SCENE ONE
TOAD HALL
Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Dan [SR]
DAN: Hiya, boys and girls! Welcome to Toad Hall. I’m Dan Cann. That’s C-A-N-N. I’m Toad Hall’s handyman, and whenever I come on and shout, ‘who can fix it’? You all reply, ‘Dan Cann can’! Okay? Let’s have a go. [exits and returns] Who can fix it? Brill! I’m currently renovating Toad Hall. First floor looks good, but the second floor’s another story. [laughs] Another story? The only downside of working here is I think Sally the cook fancies me. She
fancies any man, to be honest. I wouldn’t say she was old, but she once walked into an antique shop, and they tried to stop her leaving. I don’t fancy her, but I do fancy Mr Toad’s lovely chambermaid, Chloe. I’m trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out and keep dropping hints, hoping she’ll pick up on them, but I’m not sure it’s working. Yesterday I mentioned I had a thing for chambermaid’s uniforms, and she offered me her spare one.
Music cue 3: Enter Sally [SL]
SALLY: Stand by your beds, everybody, the star of the show has arrived!
DAN: [looking past her] Where are they, Sally?
SALLY: It’s me, Chef Sally, the girl who put the hot in hotpot! [hoists bosom]
DAN: And the ella in salmonella.
SALLY: How dare you! Everything in my kitchen is spotless!
DAN: What about your spotted dick?
SALLY: That’s spotless an’ all, Mr Toad hates raisins.
DAN: Maybe you should substitute them for flies. All toads love flies, don’t they?
SALLY: Hop aside, while I introduce myself. Hello, boys and girls! I’m Sally Soufflé! Say, ‘hi Sal’! Thanks. And this being a panto, you won’t be surprised to learn that I’m a poor lonely widow. I said, ‘I’m a poor lonely widow’! Thank you for that spontaneous sympathy. I’m not saying it was rough where I grew up, but the first prize in the local pub raffle was an alibi. I’ve been married three times, and all three husbands died in freak accidents.
DAN: What happened to them, Sally?
SALLY: The first one died from eating poisoned mushrooms. As did the second one,
coincidently. The third one died of a fractured skull—he hated mushrooms.
DAN: How did you cope after losing three husbands?
SALLY: I found it helped to collect the life insurance and just move on.
DAN: Well, don’t try moving on to me.
SALLY: But I’m a woman, and I have a woman’s needs.
DAN: And a good job too, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to bend your legs.
SALLY: I said, ‘needs’, not knees! And I’m after finding another husband, quick.
DAN: Have you tried speed dating?
SALLY: Yes, and it was hopeless.
DAN: How come?
SALLY: It’s not easy making small talk whilst sprinting round a running track.
DAN: What about online dating?
SALLY: Which dating site do you think would suit my age group?
DAN: CarbonDating.com
SALLY: I’ll look it up. Do you like my new frock, Dan?
DAN: I didn’t realise IKEA had started selling clothes.
SALLY: What are you talking about now?
DAN: One nudge and everything wobbles. [laughs]
SALLY: Cheek! It’s by Coco Chanel. [does a twirl]
DAN: Coco the Clown, more like. [sniffs] What’s that funny smell?
SALLY: It’s probably my new perfume. Chanel no 1.
DAN: It smells more like number 2 to me. [wafting] Phwoar!
SALLY: It’s a bit potent, isn’t it?
DAN: Like chloroform.
SALLY: I don’t need chloroform to make men fall at my feet; just my knockout looks.
DAN: I have a question for you, Sally.
SALLY: The answer’s, yes!
DAN: That wasn’t the question.
SALLY: Then what is it?
DAN: Where did you train to be a chef?
SALLY: I studied under the world’s greatest chef.
DAN: Ronald McDonald?
SALLY: No, Gordon Ramsey!
DAN: Did he swear a lot like he does on the telly?
SALLY: That’s just for TV ratings. I only heard him swear the once.
DAN: What made him swear?
SALLY: He asked me to make a naked salad, and I misunderstood the instruction.
Enter Chloe [SR]
CHLOE: There you are, Dan, I’ve looked everywhere for you.
DAN: You can’t have done, Chloe.
CHLOE: Why can’t I have?
DAN: Because you didn’t look where I was. [laughs]
SALLY: How on earth did you land the comic lead?
DAN: Because I’m funny?
SALLY: You’re about as funny as toothache.
DAN: What do you call a lizard who tells jokes? A stand-up chameleon! [laughs]
SALLY: I think I’ve proved my point.
CHLOE: Dan always makes me laugh, Sally.
SALLY: Then maybe you should sit in the audience and show them how it’s done.
DAN: Did you want to see me about something, Chloe?
CHLOE: Do you know anything about computers, Dan?
DAN: A little bit; why?
CHLOE: Websites keep asking if I’ll accept cookies, what should I do?
DAN: Just click, I accept.
SALLY: How often must you click, I accept, before they actually send you some?
DAN: They’re not actual cookies to eat, Sally.
SALLY: You mean they’re virtual cookies?
CHLOE: Kind of, Sally. They track your online activity.
SALLY: I’m more into gym activity, as you can probably tell by my fabulous figure. I
spend an hour on the treadmill every morning.
DAN: Maybe you should try turning it on. [laughs]
