The Snow Queen

SCENE ONE

THE TOWN OF IKEA

Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…

Music cue 4: Enter Olaf [SR]

OLAF: [shouts] I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-cream! Rah-rah-rah! Hiya boys and girls, I’m Olaf and whenever I shout, ‘I scream you scream’ you all reply ‘rah-rah-rah!’ Okay? [to Chorus] What can I get you folks?

CHORUS 1: I’d like a cone of soft whippy ice-cream please.

OLAF: Righto. [holds a cone under dispenser, pulls a lever and milk runs out]

CHORUS 1: I said whippy, Olaf, not runny.

OLAF: I must’ve caught the defrost switch when I tried swatting a wasp earlier. I could do with an insect repellent.

CHORUS 2: Stick a photo of your mum on the cart, if her face doesn’t repel the beasties then nothing will.

Chorus laugh.

OLAF: Clear off you cheeky lot!

Exit Chorus [SR]

OLAF: Mum might have a face like a depressed bloodhound but I’m not having people mocking her. That’s my job.

Music cue 5: Enter Nelly [SL]

NELLY: There you are Olaf.

OLAF: Mum! How come you’re not in the shop serving customers?

NELLY: I’ve been invited to a housewarming.

OLAF: I’m surprised anybody can afford to warm their homes these days.

NELLY: Tell me about it. I look forward to having a hot flush just to feel warm. By the way, why is there a picture of an ugly woman hanging in the bathroom?

OLAF: I think you’ll find that’s the mirror. Is the plant a housewarming gift?

NELLY: Yes, and you’ll never guess who I bumped into at the garden centre.

OLAF: Who?

NELLY: Marty McFly.

OLAF: How do you know it was him?

NELLY: Because he had his back to the fuchsias. [laughs] Back to the fuchsias!

OLAF: Very funny mum.

NELLY: How many sales have you made today?

OLAF: None.

NELLY: How come!?

OLAF: I had a little accident.

NELLY: Join the club.

OLAF: What little accident did you have mum?

NELLY: Never mind son, it was a long time ago and I was young and foolish.

OLAF: And now you’re old and totally stupid.

NELLY: Shut up and tell me what accident you had.

OLAF: I tried swatting a wasp earlier and accidently caught the defrost switch, and all the ice-cream turned to mush.

NELLY: Like your brain. Why didn’t you switch it back on and re-freeze it?

OLAF: It’s not safe to do that mum.

NELLY: Rubbish! Mother nature freezes, defrosts and re-freezes the village pond every year, and it’s never killed a single fish.

OLAF: No, but the pond isn’t made of dairy ice-cream mum. Mind you, if global warming takes off, frozen ponds will become a thing of the past.

NELLY: [rubbing her hands] And our ice-cream business will make a fortune!

OLAF: You can’t put profit above the planet, mum.

NELLY: We won’t be able to put profit above starving if you keep ruining our stock.

OLAF: I’ve just had an idea mum.

NELLY: Is it any good?

OLAF: It’s brilliant!

NELLY: That’s what you said about your plan to sell ice-cream to Eskimos.

OLAF: You’re always telling me to think outside the box.

NELLY: Your thinking will have us living inside a box – a cardboard one

OLAF: Do you want to hear my brilliant idea or not?

NELLY: Okay, I could do with a laugh. So could the audience by the looks of them.

OLAF: We repaint the ice-cream cart in big black and yellow stripes.

NELLY: How will that help our business?

OLAF: Because the wasps will think it’s a monster wasp and keep away.

NELLY: I have a better idea son.

OLAF: What’s that then?

NELLY: I sack you and hire somebody with a brain instead.

OLAF: I’m not stupid mum!

NELLY: Then how come you were bottom of the class at school?

OLAF: I was home-schooled and there was only me in the class! So, technically I was top of the class because there was nobody above me.

NELLY: I was above you.

OLAF: You were my teacher, so it doesn’t count.

NELLY: Don’t argue with me or I’ll give you detention.

OLAF: You can’t give me detention.

NELLY: Why can’t I?

OLAF: Because I’m not at school anymore.

NELLY: Then I’ll ground you instead.

OLAF: Now you’re just acting silly.

NELLY: Well, this is a panto. Take the cart back to the shop and I’ll see you later.

OLAF: Yes, mum. [exits SL]

Enter Boris [SR]

MAYOR: Nelly Knickerbocker, I want a word with you.

NELLY: [vamping] Hello Boris, and how are you today?

MAYOR: I’m the Mayor of Ikea, Nelly, and you will address me as such.

NELLY: You want me to call you Such instead of Boris?

MAYOR: No!

NELLY: Make your mind up then.

MAYOR: I’ve had complaints about your Olaf knocking over people’s bins with his ice-cream cart.

NELLY: That’s rubbish talk. [to audience] Rubbish? Bins? Never mind.

MAYOR: Tell him to be more careful in future.

NELLY: It’s our future I’m more interested Boris.

MAYOR: What are you talking about now?

NELLY: I want to know when we’re getting married.

MAYOR: We’re not getting married!

NELLY: We are according to my horoscope.

MAYOR: Marrying you would be a horror story.

NELLY: Our love is written in the stars.

MAYOR: I don’t care if it’s written in the Sunday Sport, it’s not happening Nelly.

NELLY: Fate dictates that one day we’ll be man and wife.

MAYOR: That sounds like a fate worse than death to me.

NELLY: It’s lucky I know you’re only joking.

MAYOR: Who’s joking? And when are you going to pay your council tax?

NELLY: Just as soon as my assets are unfrozen.

MAYOR: Don’t tell me you locked yourself inside the walk-in freezer again.

NELLY: Not those assets! My bank account’s been frozen.

MAYOR: How come?

NELLY: The bank said they’d detected unusual activity.

MAYOR: You must’ve finally paid somebody’s bill.