Outside Sushi’s Fishmongers shop. Music cue 1: Hazel and Chorus. After song ends…
HAZEL: That was great fun, wasn’t it everybody?
CHORUS 1: It sure was Hazel.
SYBIL: (shouts off) Winkle!
HAZEL: That sounds like my employer, Mrs Sushi!
CHORUS 2: What’s it like working for her, Hazel?
HAZEL: It’s all right, I suppose. Although she can be a bit crabby at times. (laughs)
SYBIL: (shouts off) Hazel!
HAZEL: Beat it guys, or she’ll think I’ve been slacking again.
CHORUS 3: And she’d be right too! (laughs)
HAZEL: Hurry up and go!
CHORUS: Bye Hazel! (exit SR)
Music cue 2: Enter Sybil Sushi (SL) carrying a large basket of fish.
SYBIL: This basket of fish weighs a ton! If only I had a big strapping son to help me.
HAZEL: I thought you did have a big strapping son, Mrs Sushi.
SYBIL: More like, I have a slacking son and I’m always strapped. Life’s been so hard ever since my poor husband passed away.
HAZEL: What happened to him, Sybil?
SYBIL: He tried cutting our power bills by using electric eels to power our home. Unfortunately, he didn’t know his positive from his negative. He was positive he knew which was negative, and which was positive. But he got confused, and instead of being positive that positive was positive, and negative was negative. He was positive, that negative was positive, and positive that positive was negative. Then he tied the eels ends together and electrocuted himself.
HAZEL: How dreadful.
SYBIL: He wasn’t the brightest spark. Although he did see plenty when it happened.
HAZEL: I heard you had a bit of a kerfuffle, with the window cleaner yesterday.
SYBIL: It’s true. I was in my bathroom in the altogether. (pointing at audience) I can see all the men getting a clear picture of that in their heads. Hold on to it boys, you never know when you might need it. Anyway, I was just seeing to all my nooks and crannies. When there was loud crash, and a handsome young window cleaner suddenly fell at my feet. I think something must’ve distracted him, and he didn’t realise the window was open when he went to slap his shammy on it. He asked me to ring accident and emergency. Which I did…first thing this morning. I don’t suppose you’ve seen my Winkle, have you?
HAZEL: Would you like to rephrase that, Sybil?
SYBIL: My lazy son, Winkle!
HAZEL: No, I haven’t met him yet. Even though I’ve worked here for a month now.
SYBIL: That doesn’t surprise me. It’s my own fault for putting him on a zero-hours contract. He took it literally and has worked zero hours ever since.
HAZEL: Doesn’t he like working in the fish business?
SYBIL: He doesn’t like working, full stop. And talk about stupid! He once spent three hours trying to find a fish’s fingers. I really should pack it all in, you know. The fish business is like a pair of old pants.
HAZEL: What do you mean, Sybil?
SYBIL: The bottom’s dropped out of it. I once tried supplementing my income by doing some nude modelling, but I barely made a living. (to audience) Do keep up!
HAZEL: We should always count our blessings, Sybil.
SYBIL: These days I can count mine on one finger.
HAZEL: Have you ever considered getting married again?
SYBIL: I think about it constantly. Remarrying has also crossed my mind. After all, I’m still in the prime of my life.
HAZEL: How old are you then?
SYBIL: As old as my tongue and younger than my teeth.
HAZEL: You can’t be younger than your teeth.
SYBIL: Why not?
HAZEL: Because you only bought them last week.
SYBIL: How would you like to be unemployed?
HAZEL: (wafting) I think we’d better get that fish inside, Sybil. It’s beginning to pong.
SYBIL: Sorry, that’s me. I had curried crab for lunch. Let’s go.
Exit Sybil and Hazel into shop.
Enter Winkle (SR)
WINKLE: (to audience) Hiya kids! My name’s Winkle! Do you wanna be in my gang? I said, do you wanna be in my gang? That’s better. Now, every time I come on and shout Hiya gang! I want you all to shout back, hiya Winkle! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. Hiya gang! Not bad. Now let’s try it again, with all the grumpy kids joining in this time. Hiya kids!
Enter Hazel from shop as audience shout.
HAZEL: Hello! You’re Winkle, aren’t you?
WINKLE: (sarcastic) How ever did you guess?
HAZEL: They do say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
WINKLE: Any form of wit might improve this show. And who are you then?
HAZEL: I’m your co-worker, Hazel.
WINKLE: How does it feel to be named after a nut?
HAZEL: Fine. How does it feel to be named after a…
Enter Sybil from shop.
SYBIL: …Winkle!? I’ve been looking for you!
WINKLE: What do you want mum?
SYBIL: You were supposed to help me fetch a load of fish from the docks, this morning.
WINKLE: Sorry mum, I was having this lovely dream and wanted to see how it ended.
HAZEL: What were you dreaming about?
WINKLE: I dreamt I was eating the biggest marshmallow in the world. Then I woke up and found I’d eaten my pillow.
SYBIL: You don’t know what good hard work is.
WINKLE: No – what good is it?
SYBIL: Listen Winkle – hard work never killed anybody.
WINKLE: Well, I don’t want to be its first victim mum.
SYBIL: There’s no chance of that.
WINKLE: Anyway, you know I don’t like getting up while it’s still dark.
HAZEL: How come?
WINKLE: I suffered from PTSD as a child.
HAZEL: What happened to cause it?
SYBIL: It was after he watched Monster’s Inc.
WINKLE: Every night afterwards I’d check under my bed, for any monsters hiding there. Then one night for a joke, mum hid under my bed wearing a scary monster mask.
SYBIL: Up until then, I never realised how expensive child therapy was.
HAZEL: Now I understand.
SYBIL: And now you’re here Winkle, you can help us fillet a load of fish.
WINKLE: But I haven’t had breakfast yet.
SYBIL: You can’t still be hungry, surely.
WINKLE: How do you mean?
SYBIL: Well, you ate a whole pillow earlier remember?
WINKLE: I’m seriously thinking about getting a second job, mum.
SYBIL: Second job? You don’t even do your first job!
HAZEL: What job are you after, Winkle?
SYBIL: I thought you were allergic to water.
WINKLE: Only if there’s soap in it. I can just picture myself, running along the beach in slow motion like they do on Baywatch.
SYBIL: You already do everything in slow motion.
WINKLE: I’d make a great lifeguard.
SYBIL: What makes you think that?
WINKLE: Because yesterday I managed to drag a lovely young female from the sea.
HAZEL: Was she in trouble?
WINKLE: Not yet! (nudging Hazel and laughs)
SYBIL: Our business will be in trouble if we don’t start earning more money.
WINKLE: If we had a ship, we could catch our own fish and cut out the middleman.
SYBIL: What a good idea!
HAZEL: Can you afford to buy your own ship, Sybil?
SYBIL: No, but I know somebody who might loan me one.
WINKLE: Who, mum?
SYBIL: Captain Codpiece. An old flame I almost married.
HAZEL: How come you didn’t?
SYBIL: His flame went out.
WINKLE: Do you think he’ll lend us his ship for free, mum?
SYBIL: I’m almost certain he will.
HAZEL: What makes you think that?
SYBIL: (takes her aside) Because it’s cheaper than twenty-years…(or relevant age)…of child-support back-payments.
HAZEL: You mean, Winkle’s…?
WINKLE: What are you both whispering about?
SYBIL: Women’s stuff! Now, let’s go and get ready for a fishing-trip.
Exit Sybil, Winkle and Hazel into shop.
SFX: Car horn toots.
Enter Harpo and Coco in a cut-out taxi (SL) Harpo drives.
SFX: Screeching tyres.
They come to a sudden halt (CS)
HARPO: Why did you suddenly shout stop, Coco!?
COCO: I want to swap places Harpo.
HARPO: What for?
COCO: I fancy driving for a change.
HARPO: We can’t swap places.
COCO: Why not?
HARPO: You don’t hold a driver’s licence.
COCO: You don’t need a licence to drive a cut-out taxi.
HARPO: What makes you think that?
COCO: Well, it doesn’t have an engine for a start.
HARPO: You must also have the knowledge.
COCO: I think I know how to drive a taxi, thank you.
HARPO: Not that knowledge!
COCO: Then what knowledge are you talking about?
HARPO: It’s a test you have to pass before you can drive a taxi in a big city.
COCO: What does it involve?
HARPO: You must know where every single street in Copenhagen is.
COCO: I know where every single street in Copenhagen, is.
HARPO: Do you!?
COCO: Yes – they’re in Copenhagen, stupid!
HARPO: And do you know how to get to them all?
COCO: Of course, I do!
COCO: By taxi! Now hurry up and swap places.
HARPO: Okay, I’ll just let our passenger know we’re changing drivers. (gets out and checks in the back) She’s gone!
COCO: What do you mean, she’s gone?
HARPO: I mean she’s disappeared! Vanished! Not there!
COCO: (looks inside) Oh no, the floor’s dropped out!
HARPO: I said we should have that fixed.
COCO: We couldn’t afford the garage fees.
HARPO: She must’ve fallen out along the way. But where?
COCO: It was probably on Main Street.
HARPO: What makes you say that?
COCO: Because that’s when I remember the taxi suddenly getting lighter.
HARPO: Then why didn’t you say something at the time?
COCO: We were going downhill at the time and it always feels lighter then.
HARPO: You know what this means, don’t you?
COCO: We won’t get a tip?
HARPO: No, and we’ll also lose our taxi licence. We’d better find her, quick.
COCO: But, how?
HARPO: By retracing our route.
COCO: That might prove difficult.
HARPO: How come?
COCO: We don’t have any tracing paper.
Music cue 3: Enter Octavia looking bedraggled (SL)
HARPO: Never mind Coco, she’s just found us.
OCTAVIA: You idiots left me lying in the middle of Main Street, in rush hour traffic!
HARPO: Sorry madam, we didn’t realise you’d fallen out.
OCTAVIA: You’ll both suffer a great penalty for this!
COCO: That doesn’t worry us, love. Us English are used to suffering at penalties.
HARPO: At least you weren’t run over.
OCTAVIA: I was run over! Look! (turns and shows a tyre imprint running up her back)
COCO: I thought you looked a little tyred. (laughs) Get it? Tyred?
OCTAVIA: You think it’s funny, do you?
HARPO: Certainly not! And to make amends, we’ll take you to the docks free of charge.
OCTAVIA: Free of charge?
COCO: Yes, and it won’t cost you a penny either.
OCTAVIA: Very well. And don’t expect a tip.
COCO: Hop in and straddle the gap.
Octavia enters taxi and Harpo takes up driver’s position.
HARPO: Hold tight now, here we go.
COCO: (stops him) Hold on! I’m supposed to be driving this time!
HARPO: Oh yeah, I forgot. (swaps places with Coco)
OCTAVIA: Hurry up and get a move on!
COCO: Patience madam. We must do all the safety checks first. Is your seatbelt on?
OCTAVIA: There isn’t one!
COCO: No smoking inside.
OCTAVIA: I don’t smoke!
HARPO: (to Coco) Just get going, you idiot!
COCO: Check wind speed. (licks a finger and holds it up) Chocks away. Huston Control, we have lift off!
Exit taxi (SR)
OCTAVIA: (shouts off) Look out!
SFX: Screech of tyres followed by a loud crash.
Enter Coco and Harpo staggering on (SR)
HARPO: How did you manage to crash into a lamppost?
COCO: I was distracted by a chicken crossing the road.
HARPO: Are you joking, or what?
COCO: No – I don’t know any chicken crossing the road jokes.
Enter Octavia (SR)
OCTAVIA: I’m going to make you both suffer horribly!
HARPO: You’re not going to sing to us, are you?
OCTAVIA: No! I’m going to break your stupid necks!
COCO: Run, Harpo!
Exit Harpo and Coco at a run (SL)
OCTAVIA: You can’t escape from me! (exits at a run after them)
Enter Prince Valiant and his Valet (SR)
VALET: Are you sure you’ve thought this through, your highness?
PRINCE: Yes, Justin. I feel stifled at the palace and yearn for adventure on the high seas. And who knows I might even find romance out there on the waves.
VALET: You’ve been watching old re-runs of The Love Boat again, haven’t you?
PRINCE: So, what if I have?
VALET: I don’t get it. You live a luxury lifestyle at the palace, and yet you want to leave it all behind!
PRINCE: I care nothing for life’s luxuries. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, Justin.
VALET: So they say. But I’d like to find out for myself.
PRINCE: Love is more important than anything – even money.
VALET: Have you ever tried paying your gas bill with a hug?
PRINCE: True happiness, is finding that one special person with whom to share the rest of your life.
VALET: Yes, and you have a much wider choice if you’re stinking rich.
PRINCE: I have a strange feeling that out there…(pointing over audience)…that one special person is waiting for me.
VALET: In the audience!?
PRINCE: No Justin! Out at sea!
VALET: Oh, I see.
PRINCE: Now, let’s hurry to Copenhagen docks and find our ship.
VALET: I’m not going with you, sire.
PRINCE: I beg your pardon?
VALET: Watch my lips. (slowly) I-am-not-going-with-you.
PRINCE: But I was hoping that we would share great adventures together.
VALET: Sorry, sire. But I enjoy my luxurious life at the palace too much. Besides, I suffer from terrible seasickness. Goodbye your highness. I hope you find what you’re searching for. (exits SR)
PRINCE: (stunned) Well, that was unexpected! Still, it’s probably for the best. Captain Codpiece wouldn’t appreciate him barfing all over the ship. Farewell pampered boring life, and hello exciting adventure and romance! (exits SL)