Space Wars

SCENE ONE

SPACEPORT

Music cue 3. Space Cadets. After song ends…Exit Space Cadets [SL]

Enter Buzz [SR]

BUZZ: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Buzz Leapyear, and this is the International Spaceport where spaceship’s drop off crews for shore leave on Earth. I once applied to train as an astronaut at the George Lucas Astronaut Academy, and they said I had all the attributes they were looking for…in a janitor. Being rejected left me feeling down, and I was wondering if you’d help to cheer me up. Whenever I come on and shout, to infinity! Will you all shout back, and beyond!? Let’s give it a try then. [exits and re-enters] To infinity! Cosmic! I might never get to be an astronaut, but at least working at the academy I get to see the beautiful Princess Lilo, and I’m hoping that one day she might actually notice me.

Enter stella [SL]

STELLA: There you are Buzz.

BUZZ: [to audience] This is my mum Stella, a ship cleaner.

STELLA: Careful how you say that son.

BUZZ: Maybe I should say starship cleaner instead?

STELLA: That would be less dangerous. Who were you talking to just now?

BUZZ: That lot down there. [indicates audience]

STELLA:[looking out] We have got a lot of new cadets in this year, haven’t we? And quite a few mature ones at that. I bet you all can’t wait to pass out.

BUZZ: I wish I was, mum.

STELLA: You’ve passed out more times than I’ve had hot dinners. [to audience] In the end I had to stop him watching Doctor Who.

BUZZ: I was only a child then mum, but I’m older and braver now.

STELLA: Older and dafter more like, just like your father.

BUZZ: I’d love to be an astronaut, like dad.

STELLA: Your father was more of an astro-nut.

BUZZ: What do you mean mum?

STELLA: Because only an idiot would volunteer to go to The Planet Of No Return.

BUZZ: Do you think he’ll ever return one day?

STELLA: No, Buzz.

BUZZ: What makes you say that?

STELLA: It’s not called The Planet Of No Return for nothing.

BUZZ: I’d love to fly around the galaxy in a big spaceship.

STELLA: The only galaxy I’m interested in, is the chocolate variety.

BUZZ: Did you know that you become weightless in space?

STELLA: That’s one way of making slimmer of the week.

BUZZ: And that space is a vacuum.

STELLA: If space is a vacuum, then why is the moon all dusty?

BUZZ: I wish I had a big telescope to look at the cosmos.

STELLA: I did consider getting you one, but the cost was astronomical.

BUZZ: Can I have a space-themed party for my next birthday, mum?

STELLA: Only if you can find somebody to planet. [laughs] Planet!? Never mind.

BUZZ: Ere mum. What do you call Santa in a spaceship?

STELLA: I don’t know Buzz. What do you call Santa in a spaceship?

BUZZ: A UF-Ho-ho-ho! [laughs] Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

STELLA: I don’t know. Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

BUZZ: To find Pluto. [laughs]

STELLA: [to audience] It Disney get any better folks.

BUZZ: I’d better be going mum, I have a big blockage to shift.

STELLA: Have you tried syrup of figs?

BUZZ: I think I’ll stick with me plunger. Bye mum! [exits SL]

STELLA: That’ll make his eyes water. I’d better be off too. I have to clean the Starship Economise before it leaves spaceport. This ship’s captained by the lovely, Captain Berk and I wouldn’t mind having a close encounter with him, I can tell you. He’s out of this world. He’s out of the galaxy most of the time, but I like a man who doesn’t get under my feet all day. Bye for now! [exits SR]

SFX: Heavy breathing sound, ala Darth Vader.

Enter Barf Raider [SL]

RAIDER: I really must quit smoking. Greetings, space trash! I’m Barf Raider, an interstellar villain. Yesterday I was captured by Flash Jordan after he beamed aboard my ship and caught me with my pants down…literally. I was on the toilet at the time. But no prison can hold me, and now I plan to gain control of the Starship Economise and use its power to destroy the Earth and take over the galaxy. I’ve ordered two evil droids off the Dark web to help me in my task, and then you can kiss your pathetic planet goodbye! [exits SR laughing]

Enter princess Lilo [SR]

LILO: Hello everybody! I’m Princess Lilo and I’m very excited today because my boyfriend Flash Jordan is returning to Earth after capturing the evil villain, Barf Raider. We’ve been dating almost five years, but we’ve been apart most of that time because he’s been tracking Raider across the galaxy. And now that he’s been captured, I’m hoping that we can settle down together.

Music cue 4: Enter Flash [SR]

FLASH: It’s me, Flash! Hurrah! [slaps thigh]

LILO: Flash!

FLASH: Princess Lilo! How’s my favourite girl?

LILO: Favourite girl? I should hope I’m your only girl Flash.

FLASH: Despite having more oomph than a super-nova, and an adoring female fan club on every planet throughout the known universe, I’m still a one woman man Lilo.

LILO: And now Barf Raider’s been captured, you can stay with me for a bit.

FLASH: That’s just what I had in mind Lilo. [pelvic thrust] Woof!

LILO: Behave Flash, this is a family show.

FLASH: I don’t do PC nonsense, Lilo. I’m Flash, nice but naughty Jordan.

LILO: You don’t need to act the macho man with me Flash.

FLASH: But isn’t that what attracted you to me in the first place?

LILO: No!

FLASH: Then what did? And keep it clean.

LILO: It’s because I know that underneath that macho image, is a man who yearns to get in touch with his feminine side.

FLASH: The only feminine side I’m interested in touching, is yours Lilo. Woof!

LILO: You’re incorrigible Flash, but I still love you.

FLASH: And so do I…love you I mean. Music cue 5: Flash and Lilo. After song ends…

Enter Commander Clanger [SL]

CLANGER: Flash!

FLASH: Commander Clanger. I expect you’re happy now that Raider’s been captured.

CLANGER: I’ll be even happier when he’s been recaptured.

LILO: Don’t say he’s escaped already!

CLANGER: I’m afraid so Princess Lilo.

FLASH: How did he manage to escape commander?

CLANGER: He was smuggled out inside a laundry basket and got clean away.

LILO: That sounds like something from another panto.