Sinbad The Sailor

SCENE ONE

THE BAZAAR IN OLD TANGIERS

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Ali [SR]

ALI: Hiya boys and girls! Welcome to the bazaar in old Tangiers! My name’s Ali and I love making new friends, so every time I come and shout hiya boys and girls! I want you all to shout back, hiya Ali let’s get pally, okay? Let’s try it then. [exits and re-enters] Hiya boys and girls! That wasn’t loud enough. Let’s do it again and this time raise the roof. [repeats business] Fantastic!

Enter Dame Drachma [SL] pulling on a rope leading off into wing.

DRACHMA: [straining] Move your lazy carcass, you cantankerous camel!

ALI: What’s the matter mum?

DRACHMA: Ali! I’ve looked everywhere for you.

ALI: You can’t have done, mum.

DRACHMA: Why can’t I?

ALI: Because you didn’t look where I was.

DRACHMA: I always knew you’d be an awkward child. Before you were born you gave me nothing but trouble. I said Doctor, every morning I get up suffering from morning sickness, what do you suggest I do?

ALI: And what did he suggest?

DRACHMA: He suggested I get up in the afternoon.

ALI: You can’t blame me for making you sick before I was born, mum.

DRACHMA: No, but you didn’t have to carry it on afterwards. Now, help me shift Humpy.

ALI: Leave him to me, mum. Here Humpy, I’ve got a nice sugar lump for you.

Enter Humpy at a run [SL] the rope goes slack, and Drachma falls over.

DRACHMA: You did that on a purpose you devious dromedary! I’ve a good mind to sell the Kit-e-Kat factory.

ALI: You can’t sell Humpy to the Kit-e-Kat factory, mum!

DRACHMA: Why can’t I?

ALI: I’ve promised first refusal to the glue factory.

DRACHMA: I’m seriously considering getting another camel, Ali.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

ALI: Humpy says, can you get a female one?

DRACHMA: Forget it Humpy, what you’re thinking’s impossible.

ALI: Why is it, mum?

DRACHMA: Because Ali…[whispers]

ALI: I don’t remember you taking him to the vet’s. [Humpy crosses his back legs] I think it’s a bit too late for that, Humpy.

DRACHMA: [Humpy bashes her] All right Humpy, don’t take the hump.

ALI: Never mind Humpy, you won’t miss what you’ve never used.

DRACHMA: And you should know.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

ALI: I don’t blame you, Humpy.

Exit Humpy [SR]

DRACHMA: Where’s he going now, Ali?

ALI: He’s off to The Bent Turban to drown his sorrows.

DRACHMA: Your late father used to spend more time in there than his own home.

ALI: I never knew dad, what was he like, mum?

DRACHMA: He was a seaman, just like your brother Sinbad. Although not an able one. It was a whirlwind romance. I was in a whirl, and he had wind. On our wedding night I asked him to carry me over the threshold.

ALI: And did he?

DRACHMA: No, he just said, where am I going to get a forklift at this time of night?

ALI: How did he die again, mum?

DRACHMA: After you were born he went back to sea and his ship sank in a terrible storm with no survivors.

ALI: That must’ve been a terrible shock for you?

DRACHMA: It was. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and told him I was feeling suicidal.

ALI: And what did he say?

DRACHMA: He said I had to pay in advance.

ALI: It’s strange thinking of dad lying somewhere on the seafloor mum.

DRACHMA: He was used to lying on the floor, Ali. Mostly outside The Bent Turban. Still, life goes on, and it would be a whole lot easier if you got yourself a job.

ALI: I have looked, mum.

DRACHMA: Well look closer. You don’t know what good hard work is.

ALI: No mum, what good is it?

DRACHMA: Hard work never killed anybody Ali.

ALI: Well, I don’t want to be its first victim.

DRACHMA: There’s not much chance of that.

ALI: How come you don’t go on at Sinbad about getting a job?

DRACHMA: Because he already has a job, sailing the world seeking his fortune.

ALI: Well, he must be looking for it in all the wrong places.

DRACHMA: Why can’t you go to sea like Sinbad, instead of getting under my feet all day?

ALI: But you know I suffer from seasickness mum.

DRACHMA: What are you talking about Ali? You’ve never been to sea in your life!

ALI: I know, but I tried a waterbed once and that was bad enough. [looking off SL] Look out mum, here comes the Vizier.

DRACHMA: I wonder what he wants this time?

ALI: At a wild guess, I’d say the royal rent.

DRACHMA: Well he can want because I’m skint.

Enter Vizier and Kumquat [SR]

VIZIER: Dame Drachma, I’ve come for it and I’m not leaving until I get it.

DRACHMA: That makes a change, I thought you might be after money.