SCENE ONE
THE BAZAAR IN OLD TANGIER
Manned stalls are upstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Ali [SR]
ALI: Hiya, boys and girls! Welcome to old Tangier! My name’s Ali, Barber. That’s ‘Barber’, not ‘Baba’. We’re a cut above the Baba’s. [laughs] Now, I love making new friends so, every time I come and shout, ‘hiya, boys and girls’! I want you all to shout back, ‘hiya, Ali, let’s get pally’, okay? Let’s give it a go. [exits and re-enters] Hiya, boys and girls! Let’s try it again, and this time I want you to raise the roof. [repeat business] That was fantastic!
Enter Drachma [SL] pulling on a rope leading off into the wing.
DRACHMA: [straining] Move your lazy carcass, you cantankerous camel!
ALI: What’s the matter, Mum?
DRACHMA: There you are, Ali. I’ve looked everywhere for you.
ALI: You can’t have done, Mum.
DRACHMA: Why can’t I?
ALI: Because you didn’t look where I was. [laughs]
DRACHMA: You’ve always been an awkward child, Ali. When I was pregnant with you, I suffered from constant morning sickness.
ALI: You can’t blame me for making you sick before I was born, Mum!
DRACHMA: No, but you didn’t have to continue afterwards. Now, help me shift Humpy.
ALI: Watch this, Mum. [shouts] Humpy, I’ve got a nice sugar lump for you!
Enter Humpy at a run [SL] rope goes slack, and Drachma falls over.
DRACHMA: You devious dromedary! I’ve a good mind to sell you to the Kit-e-Kat factory!
ALI: You can’t sell Humpy to the Kit-e-Kat factory, Mum!
DRACHMA: Why can’t I?
ALI: I promised first refusal to the glue factory.
DRACHMA: I’m seriously considering getting another camel, Ali.
ALI: [Humpy whispers] Humpy says can we get a female camel?
DRACHMA: Forget it, Humpy, what you’re thinking is impossible.
ALI: Why is it, Mum?
DRACHMA: Because Ali…[whispers]
ALI: So, that’s why you took him to the vet’s. [Humpy crosses his back legs] I think it’s a bit too late for that, Humpy.
DRACHMA: [Humpy kicks her] All right Humpy, don’t take the hump! Camel? Hump?
ALI: Never mind, Humpy, you won’t miss what you’ve never used.
DRACHMA: And Ali should know.
Humpy whispers to Ali.
ALI: I don’t blame you, Humpy.
Exit Humpy [SR]
DRACHMA: Where is he going now, Ali?
ALI: To The Bent Turban to drown his sorrows.
DRACHMA: He reminds me of your late father.
ALI: I never knew dad. What was he like, Mum?
DRACHMA: He was a sailor, like your brother Sinbad. Although not an able one. It was a whirlwind romance. I was in a whirl, and he had wind. On our wedding night, I asked him to carry me over the threshold.
ALI: And did he?
DRACHMA: No, he just said, ‘where am I going to get a forklift at this time of night’?
ALI: You never told me how he died, Mum.
DRACHMA: His ship sank in a terrible storm, with no survivors.
ALI: It’s sad to think of dad lying somewhere on the seafloor.
DRACHMA: He was used to lying on the floor, Ali. Mostly outside The Bent Turban. But life goes on, and it would be a lot easier if you got yourself a job.
ALI: I have looked, Mum.
DRACHMA: Well, look closer. You don’t know what good hard work is, Ali.
ALI: No, Mum, what good is it?
DRACHMA: Hard work’s never killed anybody.
ALI: Well, I don’t want to be its first victim.
DRACHMA: There’s not much chance of that.
ALI: [looking off SL] Watch out, Mum, here comes the Grand Vizier.
DRACHMA: I wonder what he wants this time.
ALI: At a wild guess, I’d say the rent.
DRACHMA: Well, he can want, because I haven’t got it.
Enter Vizier and Kumquat [SR]
VIZIER: I’ve come for it, Drachma and I’m not leaving until I get it.
DRACHMA: That makes a change, I thought you might be after money.
VIZIER: Of course I’m after money! I collect your rent for the Sultan, don’t I?
DRACHMA: I’m broke. Things are that bad we’ve even had our electric cut off.
ALI: It’s true. We have to watch our new smart TV by candlelight.
VIZIER: How can you afford a new TV?
DRACHMA: It only cost a pound.
KUMQUAT: You bought a smart TV for a pound?
ALI: It was on offer at Curry’s. The sign said, ‘TV for £1, volume stuck on full’. I
thought, ‘I can’t turn that down’.
