Scene One
The Market Place In Old Tangiers
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus mill around the market stalls.
Ali enters (SR)
Ali
Hiya folks! And welcome to old Tangiers! My name’s Ali Drachma and I love making new friends, so every time I come and shout ‘hiya boys and girls’! I want you all to shout back ‘hiya Ali let’s get pally’! Will you do that for me? Let’s try it shall we. (exits and re-enters) Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) That wasn’t very loud was it, let’s try it again. (repeats business) That was a bit better. Now let’s do it again and this time I want you to raise the roof. (repeats business) That was much better.
Dame Drachma enters (SL) pulling on a rope leading off into the wing.
Drachma
(straining on the rope) Move your lazy carcass, you cantankerous camel!
Ali
What’s up mum?
Drachma
(spots Ali) There you are Ali. I’ve looked everywhere for you.
Ali
You can’t have.
Drachma
Why not?
Ali
‘Cos you didn’t look where I was.
Drachma
I always knew you’d be an awkward child. Even before you were born you gave me nothing but trouble. I went to the doctor and said, ‘Doctor, every morning I get up I suffer from terrible morning sickness’.
Ali
And what did he say?
Drachma
He told me to start getting up in the afternoon
Ali
You can’t exactly blame me for making you feel sick before I was born, mum.
Drachma
No, but you didn’t have to carry it on afterwards. Now shut up and give me a hand with Humpy. I can’t get him to shift.
Ali
I know how to make him move. (takes a sugar lump from his pocket) Come here Humpy. I’ve got a nice sweet sugar lump for you.
Humpy rushes on making the rope go slack and Drachma falls over.
Drachma
(picks herself up and rounds on Humpy) You did that on purpose, you devious dromedary! Now listen to me Humpy. If you don’t start pulling your weight around here soon, it’s the Kit-e-Kat factory for you.
Humpy’s legs sag.
Ali
You can’t sell Humpy to the Kit-e-Kat factory, mum!
Humpy perks up.
Drachma
Why not?
Ali
Because I’ve promised first refusal to the glue factory.
Humpy’s body sags again.
Drachma
(to Humpy) I’m beginning to lose patience with you Humpy.
Ali
Since when have you had any patience? You once took a jar of coffee back to the shop because it wasn’t instant enough.
Drachma
Dealing with Humpy would try the patience of a saint. He was supposed to be giving rides to tourists this morning. but I couldn’t get the lazy thing to budge. I’m seriously considering getting another camel.
Humpy nods frantically and whispers to Ali.
Ali
Humpy said ‘can we get a female camel’?
Drachma
Forget it Humpy. What you’re thinking is impossible.
Humpy whispers to Ali.
Ali
He says ‘why is it’?
Drachma
Because…(whispers to Ali)
Ali
I don’t remember you taking him to the vet’s.
Humpy puts his head between his front legs, then suddenly straightens up and crosses his back legs.
Ali
I think it’s a bit too late for that, Humpy.
Humpy starts bashing into Drachma.
Drachma
What’s the matter with him now?
Ali
I think he’s taken the hump. (laughs) Taken the ‘hump’? (to Humpy) Don’t worry Humpy, what you’ve never had you’ll never miss.
Drachma
Well you should know.
Humpy whispers to Ali and starts to exit (SL)
Drachma
Where’s he going now?
Ali
He said he’s ‘off to The Bent Turban to drown his sorrows’.
Humpy exits.
Drachma
That was your late father’s local. He spent more time in there than his own home.
Ali
I never knew dad. What was he really like, mum?
Drachma
He was a sailor like your brother, Sinbad. We met aboard ship, I was the ship’s cook and his job was to swing the lead. And he carried on swinging it for most of our married life. It was a whirlwind romance, I was in a whirl and he had wind. On our wedding day, I asked if he was going to carry me over the threshold. But he just said ‘where am I going to get a forklift at this time of night’? Then just after you were born, he went back to sea. But his ship sank in a terrible storm, with no survivors. Leaving me to bring up two sons, destitute. Things got that bad, I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and told him I was feeling suicidal.
Ali
And what did he say?
Drachma
He told me to pay in advance.
Ali
It’s sad to think of dad lying somewhere on the sea-floor.
Drachma
Your father was used to lying on the floor. Usually the one outside The Bent Turban. Still, life goes on. And it would be a whole lot easier if you got yourself a job.
Ali
I have looked, mum.
Drachma
Well try looking closer. You don’t know what good hard work is.
Ali
No, what good is it? Anyway, how come you don’t go on at Sinbad about getting a job?
Drachma
Because he already has a job, sailing round the world seeking his fame and fortune.
Ali
Well he must be looking for it in all the wrong places. Because he’s been on dozens of trips and he hasn’t found it so far.
Drachma
No, but at least he brings me back some nice prezzies from his travels.
Ali
And so do I. I brought you back that lovely present from Blackpool, remember?
Drachma
Oh yes, I remember. A big stick of rock with ‘Blickpool’ running all the way through it.
Ali
Is it my fault they employed a dyslexic letterer?
Drachma
Why can’t you be a sailor like Sinbad? At least then I wouldn’t have you getting under my feet all day.
Ali
You know I suffer from seasickness, mum.
Drachma
But you’ve never been to sea in your life?
Ali
I know, but just looking at the wobbly waves makes me queasy.
Drachma’s Landlord enters (SL)
Ali
Look out mum, here comes the landlord.
Drachma
‘Dracula’ would be a better name for him. He’s the only person who really could get blood from a stone. He’s like shiver waiting for a spine to run up.
Ali
He’s probably wants his rent.
Drachma
Well he can ‘want’ ‘cos I’m skint.
Ali
But didn’t you put money on a horse earlier, that a man at the bookies said was a dead cert?
Drachma
Yes, I did.
Landlord
And what happened?
Ali
It died.
Landlord
Dame Drachma! I’ve come for it and I’m not leaving here until I get it.
Drachma
That’s all right then. For minute there I thought you might be after money.
Landlord
I’m surprised you can still joke at a time like this.
Drachma
A time like what?
Landlord
Well you’ve no doubt heard of the financial crises.
Drachma
Heard of it? For most of my life I’ve been living it. We’re so poor we can’t even afford electricity.
Ali
It’s true. We have to watch TV by candlelight.
Drachma
But although our family doesn’t have much, we always share what we have. Don’t we Ali?
Ali
Yes. (to Landlord) Poverty mostly. We can’t even afford proper Christmas presents. One year I asked mum if I could have a dog for Christmas. And do you know what she said?
Landlord
‘No, you’ll have turkey like everybody else’. (laughs)
Drachma
Don’t be ridiculous! We could never afford turkey. We had to make do with a budgie and a bicycle-pump.
Ali
Last year, things were that bad. I just gift-wrapped mum a food package from Oxfam.
Drachma
And I gave Ali a false leg I found in a skip, as a stocking filler.
Landlord
Then you’ll know how hard it’s getting to pay the bills.
Ali
You’re not kidding. I can’t even pay attention.
Drachma
It’s such a burden being poor.
Landlord
Then allow me to ease your burden.
Ali
You’re reducing the rent?
Landlord
No. I’m evicting you. But you’ll still have to pay off your arrears.
Drachma
How much do I owe?
Landlord
Let me see now. (counting on his fingers) Three weeks rent, plus late charges at 200% compound interest. Plus vat, and wear and tear. That comes to exactly five-hundred pounds.
Drachma
I don’t have that kind of money!
Landlord
Well what kind do you have?
Drachma
Hang on and I’ll see. (turns away and takes a £5 note from her bosom which is attached to her bra with a piece of elastic) Here’s five-pounds on account. (hands money to him)
Landlord
On account of what?
Drachma
On account of that’s all I’ve got.
Landlord
A fiver won’t reduce your arrears by much, but it’s a start.
The Landlord attempts to put the five-pound note in his wallet, at which point Drachma smartly retrieves it and pops it back into her bra.
Drachma
Come to mama.
Landlord
Give that back at once!
Drachma
No chance.
Landlord
Then I’ll just have to get it myself.
Drachma
You wouldn’t dare lay a finger on me.
Landlord
When money’s involved, I’ll tackle anything. Even you.
Drachma
You’ll have to catch me first. (runs off)
Landlord
Come back here! (runs after her)
Ali
Run mum!
A chase ensues around the stage and eventually the Landlord catches her.
Landlord
(grabs Dame) Got you at last!
Drachma
(starts dancing with him) Is this a ladies’ excuse me, or are we practising for Strictly Come Dancing?
Landlord
Hand it over, or else!
Drachma
Oh, I love a forceful man. (flings arms around his neck) Take me, I’m all yours!
Landlord
I don’t want you! Just your money. (wrestles with her trying to get free)
Drachma
Kiss me!
Landlord
You must be joking! I do have scruples you know.
Drachma
That’s all right, I’ve been vaccinated.
Police officer enters (SL)
Police officer
‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What’s going on here then?
Ali
Saved by the bill.
Drachma
You’ve arrived just in the nick of time officer. I’m being molested by a malinger.
Police officer
(to Landlord) Is this true, sir?
Landlord
Do I look like the kind of person, who would go around molesting old bags like her?
Police officer
Quite frankly sir…yes. (grabs hold of him) You’re nicked.
Landlord
But, but, but …
Police officer
No buts, if you don’t mind sir.
Landlord
(resisting) But I do mind!
Police officer
Resisting an officer is a very serious offence sir. You leave me no choice but to arrest you.
Landlord
In that case you’re going to have to let me go on a technicality.
Police officer
What technicality?
Landlord
Well technically you’ve already arrested me.
Ali
He’s right you know, you nicked him a minute ago.
Police officer
So I did. (to audience) And I can’t arrest him twice can I.
Landlord
Which means you’ll have to let me go.
Police officer
(releases him) Oh dear, oh dear. How am I going to explain this to the chief constable? He told me to increase my arrests, or be demoted to Community Support Officer. (exits shaking his head muttering) Oh dear, oh dear.
Drachma
(to Ali) You great twit! You helped Dracula here…(indicates landlord)…get off.
Ali
In that case, he might be grateful and not evict us.
Landlord
(to Drachma) I want you out of your house by noon!
Drachma
Grateful my foot.
Landlord
And make sure you leave the place exactly as you found it.
Ali
Where are we going to find five-thousand cockroaches at such short notice?
Drachma
Can’t you wait until my son Sinbad returns from sea? He always brings back a little something from his voyages.
Landlord
When is he due back?
Drachma
His ship docks later today.
Landlord
Very well. I’ll give you twenty-four hours to come up with the rent or out you go.
Drachma
I’m sure I’ll have enough to cover the rent once Sinbad gets here.
Landlord
You better had. Good day. (exits SL)
Drachma
I only hope Sinbad brings back something useful from his latest voyage. Like money for instance.
Ali
Did dad ever bring back anything useful from his voyages, mum?
Drachma
The only thing he ever brought back, usually required a visit to the clinic.
SFX: Ship’s horn.
Drachma
(to audience) Oh, do excuse me. We’re so poor we’ve eaten nothing but curried sprouts for weeks.
Ali
That sounded like a ship’s horn, mum.
Sinbad
(excited) Ship’s horn! That means Sinbad’s ship must have docked!
Ali
(looks to wing) Yes and here comes now.
Drachma
Does he look loaded?
Ali
Well he’s carrying a big heavy-looking bag.
Drachma
It’s probably filled with expensive duty-free, goodies.
Sinbad enters (SR) with a crew of Sailors Music cue 2: Sinbad & Sailors. After song ends…
Sinbad
(to Sailors) Enjoy your shore-leave crew, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Crew exit (SL)
Drachma
(to Sinbad) It’s wonderful to have you home again son. (to Ali) Isn’t it Ali?
Ali
So what have you brought us this time, Sinbad?
Drachma
(reprimanding him) Ali! Your brother has only just returned from months at sea, and all you can think of is pearl necklaces, jewels and gold doubloons.
Ali
I never mentioned any of those.
Drachma
Well somebody did. And seeing as the subject’s been raised. (to Sinbad) Have you brought us any pearl necklaces, jewels and gold doubloons?
Sinbad
I did have a big chest full of gold and jewels, mum. But then mum I swapped it for something even more valuable.
Drachma
‘Even more valuable’? Oooh! I can’t wait to see what it is!
Sinbad
I’ll just get it out for you. (delves into his sailor’s bag and takes out a sword, covered in seashells) Here it is.
Drachma stares open-mouthed, at the sword.
Sinbad
Well, say something mum. (to Ali) What’s the matter with her?
Ali
I think she’s shell-shocked.
Drachma
(blurts out) You swapped a fortune in gold and jewels for a stupid sword, covered in smelly seashells!
Sinbad
It’s not just any old seashell-covered sword, mum. It’s a ‘magic’ seashell-covered sword.
Drachma
A ‘magic’ seashell-covered sword? What kind of an idiot are you?
Ali
I think he’s been drinking sea-water and gone delirious, mum.
Sinbad
No I haven’t. This sword was given to me by a witch doctor, on the island of ‘Karma Sutra’.
Drachma
He was obviously a twister. (to audience) Think about it. They say that life’s a great teacher. Unfortunately, it lies to all its students. (to Sinbad) Please tell me you’re pulling my leg, Sinbad.
Sinbad
No, mum. The witch doctor said that one day, this sword would make me my fortune.
Ali
But you already had a fortune in gold and jewels.
Sinbad
(dismissive) Mere trifles, Ali.
Drachma
I like trifles!
Ali
Me too. With lots of custard and cream on the top.
Drachma
(to Sinbad) What use is a stupid tourist trinket to us?
Ali
I suppose we could always sell it at a camel-boot sale, mum.
Drachma
Don’t be daft Ali, we wouldn’t get 50p for that thing. We might as well go home and start packing.
Sinbad
Are we going on holiday then?
Ali
No, we’re being evicted.
Sinbad
Evicted!?
Drachma
The landlord’s given us twenty-four hours to pay the rent arrears or be evicted.
Ali
We also have to find five-thousand cockroaches.
Drachma and Ali exit (SR)
Sinbad
No matter what they think. I believe that this sword, is the key to making our fortune. (to audience) You believe me, don’t you? (audience react) I’ll prove everybody wrong, you’ll see. (exits after them)
Recent Comments