Sinbad The Sailor (Perusal)

Scene One

The Market Place In Old Tangiers

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus mill around stalls.

Enter Ali (SR)

Ali Hiya folks! Welcome to old Tangiers! My name’s Ali and I love making new friends, so every time I come and shout hiya kids! I want you all to shout back, hiya Ali let’s get pally! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! That wasn’t very loud was it, let’s try it again. (repeats business) That was a bit better. We’ll do it once more, and this time I want you to raise the roof. (repeats) Fantastic!

Enter Dame Drachma (SL) pulling on a rope leading off into the wing.

Drachma (straining on the rope) Move your lazy carcass, you cantankerous camel!

Ali What’s up mum?

Drachma (turns) There you are, Ali! I’ve looked everywhere for you.

Ali You can’t have done, mum.

Drachma Why can’t I?

Ali Because you didn’t look where I was.

Drachma I always knew you’d be an awkward child. Even before you were born you gave me nothing but trouble. I said to the Doctor. Doctor, every morning I get up suffering from terrible morning sickness. What do you suggest I do?

Ali And what did he suggest?

Drachma He suggested I get up in the afternoon.

Ali You can’t blame me for making you sick before I was born, mum.

Drachma Maybe not. But you didn’t have to carry it on afterwards. Now, help me shift Humpy.

Ali Leave him to me, mum. (takes a sugar lump from his pocket) Here Humpy. I’ve got a nice sweet sugar lump for you.

Enter Humpy at a run (SL) causing the rope to go slack and Drachma to fall over.

Drachma (stands) You did that on a purpose you devious dromedary! Now, listen Humpy. If you don’t start pulling your weight around here soon, it’s the Kit-e-Kat factory for you.

Humpy’s legs sag.

Ali You can’t sell Humpy to the Kit-e-Kat factory, mum!

Humpy perks up.

Drachma Why not?

Ali Because I promised first refusal to the glue factory.

Humpy’s legs sag again.

Drachma I’m seriously considering getting another camel.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

Ali Humpy says, can you get a female camel?

Drachma Forget it Humpy. What you’re thinking’s impossible.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

Ali He says, why is it?

Drachma Because…(whispers)

Ali I don’t remember you taking him to the vet, mum. (Humpy crosses his back legs) I think it’s a bit too late for that, Humpy.

Humpy starts bashing into Drachma.

Drachma All right, there’s no need take the hump. (laughs to audience) Take the hump?

Ali Don’t worry Humpy, what you’ve never used you’ll never miss.

Drachma And you should know.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

Ali I don’t blame you, Humpy.

Exit Humpy (SR)

Drachma Where’s he off to now, Ali?

Ali He’s off to The Bent Turban, to drown his sorrows.

Drachma That reminds me of your late father. He spent more time in there, than his own home.

Ali I never knew dad. What was he like, mum?

Drachma He was a sailor, like your brother Sinbad. We met aboard ship. I was ship’s cook and he was an able seaman. Although not as able as I’d hoped. It was a whirlwind romance. I was in a whirl and he had wind. On our wedding night, I asked if he’d carry me over the threshold. And he replied, where am I going to get a forklift at this time of night? After you were born, he went back to sea. But then his ship sank in a terrible storm, with no survivors. Leaving me to bring up two sons, alone. Things got that bad, I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and told him I was feeling suicidal.

Ali And what did he say?

Drachma He told me to pay in advance.

Ali It’s sad to think of poor dad, lying somewhere on the seafloor.

Drachma He was used to lying on the floor. Mostly outside The Bent Turban. Still, life goes on. And it would be a whole lot easier if you got yourself a job.

Ali I have looked, mum.

Drachma Well try looking closer.

Ali How come you don’t go on at Sinbad about getting a job?

Drachma He already has a job, sailing the world seeking fame and fortune.

Ali Well, he must be looking for it in all the wrong places.

Drachma You don’t know what good hard work is.

Ali No, what good is it?

Drachma At least Sinbad brings me back some nice prezzies from his travels.

Ali So do I!

Drachma Name one.

AliI brought you back a nice present from Blackpool, remember?

Drachma I remember. It was a stick of rock with Blickpool, running all the way through it.

Ali They were selling it cheap and it’s all I could afford.

Drachma Why can’t you go to sea like Sinbad? Instead of getting under my feet all day.

Ali I can’t go to sea, mum.

Drachma Why can’t you?

Ali I suffer from terrible seasickness.

Drachma What are you talking about? You’ve never been to sea in your life.

Ali I know. But I swallowed some seawater at Blackpool, and it made me sick. (looking off SL) Look out mum, here comes our landlord.

Drachma I wonder what he wants this time?

Ali At a wild guess, I’d say he wants his rent.

Drachma Well he can want, because I’m skint.

Ali Maybe you shouldn’t have bet the last of your money on that horse, yesterday.

Drachma But the tipster said it was a dead cert.

Ali And he was right in a way, ‘cos it died at the start.

Enter Landlord (SR)

Landlord Dame Drachma. I’ve come for it and I’m not leaving until I get it.

Drachma That makes a change. I thought you might be after money.

Landlord That’s exactly what I am after!

Drachma Well, you’re out of luck. I’m that poor I can’t even afford electricity.

Ali It’s true. We have to watch our new TV by candlelight.

Landlord If you can afford a new TV, you can afford your rent.

Drachma The TV only cost a pound.

Landlord You bought a TV for one pound?

Ali That’s right. I saw an advert in Curry’s window that said, Faulty TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can’t turn that down. (to audience) Think about it.

Landlord Are you telling me, that have no money whatsoever?

Drachma I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.

Landlord Then why don’t you get a bank loan?

Ali Banks will only lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Landlord Can’t you borrow money from somebody?

Drachma There’s only one problem with borrowing money from people.

Landlord And what is that?

Drachma They usually expect to be paid back.

Landlord Always borrow money from a pessimist. They never expect to be paid back.

Drachma Our only way out of poverty is by winning the lottery.

Ali That’s a thing. How come you never see the headline, psychic winds the lottery?

Drachma I’m finding it hard to pay my bills.

Ali I’m finding it hard to pay attention.

Drachma Being poor is such a burden, you know.

Landlord Then allow me to relieve you of your burden.

Ali You’re letting us off our rent arrears?

Landlord No. I’m evicting you. But you must still pay off your arrears.

Drachma How much do I owe?

Landlord Five-hundred pounds.

Drachma I don’t have that kind of money!

Landlord Well, what kind do you have?

Drachma Hang on and I’ll see. (turns away and takes a £5 note from her bosom which is attached to her bra with a piece of elastic) Here’s five pounds on account.

Landlord On account of what?

Drachma On account of that’s all I’ve got.

Landlord A fiver won’t reduce your arrears by much, but it’s a start. (takes the note and tries putting in his pocket, but Drachma yanks it back and pops it back down her bra)

Drachma Come to mama.

Landlord I saw that! Give it back at once!

Drachma No chance.

Landlord Then I’ll just have to get it myself.

Drachma You wouldn’t dare lay a finger on me.

Landlord Where money’s involved, I’ll tackle anything. Even you. (grabs her and they tussle)

Drachma Take your filthy hands off me!

Ali That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that to a man.

Drachma He’s not a man, he’s a landlord.

Landlord Hand it over! (manhandles her)

Drachma (squirming about laughing) Ooooh! Ha-ha-ha! Stop it!

Landlord Why are you? This is very serious business.

Drachma Yes, and you’re very seriously tickling me!

Enter Police Officer (SL)

P. Officer’Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What’s going on here then?

Drachma I’m being molested by this molesterer, officer.

P. Officer (to Landlord) Is this true, sir?

Landlord Do I look like the type of person, who would go around molesting old bags like her?

P. Officer Quite frankly sir…yes. (grabs hold of him) You’re nicked!

Landlord But, but, but…

P. Officer No buts sir if you don’t mind.

Landlord (resisting) But, I do mind!

P. Officer Then you leave me with no choice, but to arrest you.

Landlord In that case, you’re going to have to let me go on a technicality.

P. Officer What technicality?

Landlord Well, technically you’ve already arrested me.

Ali He’s right you know, you nicked him a minute ago.

P. Officer So, I did. (to audience) And I can’t arrest him twice, now can I?

Landlord Which means you’ll have to let me go.

P. Officer (releases him) How am I going to explain this to the chief constable? (exits SR shaking his head) Oh dear, oh dear.

Drachma Well done, Ali. You helped Dracula here, get off.

Ali I know, mum. Which means he might be grateful and not evict us.

Landlord I want you out of your house by noon.

Drachma Grateful my foot.

Landlord And make sure you leave the place exactly as you found it.

Ali Where are we going to find five-thousand cockroaches, at such short notice?

Drachma Can’t you wait until my son Sinbad, returns from sea? He always brings me back a little something from his voyages.

Landlord When is he due back?

Drachma His ship should be docking anytime now.

Landlord Very well. You have twenty-four hours to come up with the rent or be evicted.

Drachma I’m sure I’ll have enough to cover the rent once Sinbad gets here.

Ali You’d better had, or out you go. (exits SL)

SFX: Ship’s horn.

Drachma That sounded like a ship’s horn.

Ali It’s probably Sinbad’s ship.

Drachma I only hope he’s brought back something useful. Like money for instance.

Ali Did dad ever bring anything back from his voyages, mum?

Drachma Yes, and it usually required a visit to the clinic.

Ali (looing SR) Here comes Sinbad now, mum.

Drachma Does he look loaded?

Ali Well, he’s loaded down with a big heavy-looking bag.

Drachma (excited) Ooooh! It’s probably filled with expensive duty free!

Enter Sinbad (SR) with Sailors Music cue 2: Sinbad & Sailors. After song ends…

Sinbad (to Sailors) Enjoy your shore leave, matey’s. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Exit Sailors (SL)

Drachma It’s wonderful to have you home again, Sinbad. Isn’t it, Ali?

Ali What have you brought us home this time, Sinbad?

Drachma Ali! Your brother has only just returned from months at sea, and all you can think of is pearls, jewels and gold doubloons.

Ali I never mentioned any of those.

Drachma Well, somebody did. And seeing as the subject’s been raised. Have you brought us any pearls necklaces, jewels and gold doubloons, Sinbad?

Sinbad I had a big chest full of that sort of stuff, mum. But I swapped it for something much more valuable.

Drachma Ooooh! I can’t wait to see what it is!

Sinbad I’ll show you. (takes a seashell-covered sword from his bag) Here it is. (Drachma stares open-mouthed) Well, say something mum. What’s the matter with her, Ali?

Ali I think she’s shell-shocked.

Drachma You swapped a fortune in treasure, for a sword covered in seashells!

Sinbad It’s not any old seashell-covered sword, mum. It’s a magic, seashell-covered sword.

Drachma A magic, seashell-covered sword? What kind of an idiot are you, Sinbad?

Ali I think he’s been drinking seawater and gone delirious, mum.

Sinbad This sword was sold to me by a Witch Doctor, on the island of Bamboozle.

Drachma Well, he certainly bamboozled you Sinbad.

Ali And you always said I was the daft one, mum.

Sinbad The Witch Doctor said that one day, this sword would make me my fortune.

Drachma But you already had a fortune in gold and jewels!

Sinbad (dismissive) Those were mere trifles, mum.

Drachma I like trifle!

Ali Me too. With lots of squirty cream on the top.

Drachma What use is a stupid tourist trinket, to us?

Ali I suppose we could always sell it on eBay, mum.

Drachma We wouldn’t get 50p for that thing. We might as well go home and start packing.

Sinbad Are we going on holiday then?

Ali No, we’re being evicted.

Sinbad Evicted!?

Drachma The landlord has given us twenty-four hours to pay our rent arrears or be evicted.

Ali We must also find five-thousand cockroaches.

Drachma Let’s go, Ali.

Exit Drachma and Ali (SL)

Sinbad Whatever they might think. I believe this sword is the key to making my fortune. I don’t know how yet, but I’m sure it will happen soon. Then they’ll see I was right. (exits SL)

Enter Sultan and Sultana (SR) with several Guards.

Sultan Why have you dragged me to the bazaar this early in the morning, dearest?

Sultana I wanted to buy some little knick-knacks.

Sultan I think extra-large would be more fitting.

Sultana (snaps) Cheek! I meant knick-knacks, as in trinkets!

Sultan Sorry, dear. My mistake.

Sultana And my mistake, was marrying you.

Sultan At least my people still love me. Whenever I go out, they all wave at me.

Sultana Yes, but it would be nice if they used all of their fingers.

Sultan You’re very cranky this morning. What’s the matter? Has your mirror been body-shaming you again?

Sultana No, it hasn’t! Haven’t you noticed anything different about me?

Sultan That’s the most terrifying thing, any woman could ever ask a man.

Sultana Well?

Sultan You’ve had your hair done?

Sultana No, I haven’t!

Sultan Nails?

Sultana Not for months.

Sultan Teeth?

Sultana No!

Sultan I give up.

Sultana I’m wearing the same dress as yesterday!

Sultan Then why did you ask if I’d noticed anything different about you?

Sultana To empathise the fact I can’t afford new clothes because we’re skint.

Sultan I already know that.

Sultana Which is why we must marry Yasmin off to a rich Prince, quick.

Sultan Yes, but she doesn’t seem in any hurry to get married.

Sultana I don’t blame her.

Sultan What do you mean by that?

Sultana A recent study proved that one in three men, are just as stupid as the other two

Sultan Can you imagine what the world would be like without men?

Sultana Yes. It would be colour coordinated and full of happy fat women.

Sultan There must be a rich Prince somewhere, that might interest Yasmin.

Sultana Well, they’re doing a very good job of hiding.

Sultan Let’s return to the palace and call a few royal families.

Sultana Very well. But leave all the talking to me.

Sultan I don’t usually have much choice.

Exit Sultan and Sultana (SR)

Enter Grand Vizier and Kumquat (SL)

Vizier (pushing people aside) Out of the way, peasants!

Citizen Who do you think you are?

Vizier I am the Grand Vizier. And this is Kumquat, my righthand lacky.

Kumquat No, I’m not boss.

Vizier And what makes you think that?

Kumquat Because I’m lefthanded, boss.

Vizier Then you can be my lefthanded sidekick instead.

Kumquat What exactly does a sidekick do?

Vizier They stick close to their masters in case they ever need somebody to kick.

Kumquat Can I go back to being your righthand man?

Vizier Too late, Kumquat. (kicks him)

Enter Yasmin (SR) in a palanquin carried by Guards and followed on by Rose.

Yasmin Halt! (Guards set the palanquin down CS and Yasmin steps out) Come on Rose. I fancy a stroll around the bazaar.

Rose Yes, your highness.

Vizier It’s not safe for you to stop here, Princess Yasmin.

Yasmin Why not, Vizier?

Vizier The bazaar is full of muggers, thieves and villains.

Kumquat Sounds a bit like…(local rough area)

Yasmin I shop here all the time and have always felt perfectly safe. Come along Rose, let’s see if they have a jewellery stall.

Rose All right your highness, but I can’t afford anything until payday.

Yasmin Then allow me to buy you something as a gift.

Rose Your highness is too kind. (steps back bowing and bumps into the Vizier)

Vizier (snaps) You, clumsy oaf! Why don’t you watch what you’re doing?

Yasmin Vizier! How dare you speak to Rose like that!

Vizier I will speak as I please to…(sneers)…servants.

Yasmin Rose might be a servant. But she’s also my best friend, and you’d do well to remember that in future.

Vizier (falsely) A thousand pardons, your highness.

Yasmin You may leave us, Vizier.

Vizier I cannot leave your highness here, unprotected.

Yasmin I’m not unprotected. Rose has a black belt in karate. Haven’t you Rose?

Rose Yes, and I will protect her highness with my life.

Vizier Is that so? (pulls out a dagger and raises it at Rose)

Rose Hi-ya! (blocks his arm and strikes him in the midriff)

Yasmin Vizier! Why did you just attack Rose?

Vizier (wincing in pain) I was just testing her, to see if she really could protect your highness.

Yasmin And are you satisfied?

Kumquat Satisfied? I think he’s crippled.

Vizier (to Guards) Move it you lot! That means you too, Kumquat! (kicks him)

Exit Vizier and Kumquat (SL) with Guards.

Yasmin What a horrible man, the Vizier is.

Rose He gives me the creeps.

Yasmin Me too, Rose. I wish father had never made him Vizier in the first place.

Rose He’s like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.

They move to a stall (USL)

Enter Sinbad (DSR)

Sinbad (to audience) Mum’s still mad at me. So, I’ve returned to the bazaar to buy her something nice as a peace-offering.

Yasmin (picking up a bangle) What do you think of this, Rose?

Rose It’s beautiful your highness. (takes the bangle and drops it) Whoops!

Yasmin Butterfingers, Rose! (laughs)

Yas & Rose (they bend to pick it up and bump heads) Ouch! (they stand rubbing their heads)

Sinbad moves to them and picks up the bangle.

Sinbad Allow me, ladies. (offers the bangle to the Princess)

Yasmin (taking the bangle) Thank you, kind sir.

Rose It’s nice to know that gentlemen still exist. Isn’t it your highness?

Sinbad (exclaims) Your highness!?

Rose (introducing) This is her highness, Princess Yasmin.

Yasmin And now that you know my name, perhaps you’ll tell me yours.

Sinbad It’s Sinbad, your highness. And I’m a sailor.

Rose You’re Sinbad the Sailor?

Sinbad That’s right. And I have just returned from sea this very morning.

Yasmin I’ve heard much about your adventures, Sinbad.

Sinbad Really? What have you heard, Princess?

Yasmin About how you sail the seven seas, in search of treasure?

Sinbad Indeed I do. But little did I know that the greatest treasure was right here in Tangiers.

Yasmin And what treasure might that be?

Sinbad Why your highness, of course.

Yasmin You flatter me, Sinbad.

Rose (diplomatically) I’ll…um…just go for a quick browse your highness. (moves away)

Sinbad I’ve travelled the world over and have yet to meet anyone more beautiful than you.

Yasmin And I’ve not met anybody as brave and as handsome as you, Sinbad.

Music cue 3: Sinbad and Yasmin. After song ends…

Enter Vizier and Kumquat (SL)

Rose (to audience) Oh look. It’s the return of Batman and Robin.

Vizier (indicating Sinbad) Is this person bothering your highness?

Yasmin Of course not. You’d better go, Sinbad.

Sinbad When will I see you again?

Yasmin I’ll meet you here at the same time tomorrow.

Sinbad I shall count the minutes, Yasmin.

Vizier How dare you call the Princess by her first name! On your knees, dog!

Sinbad Who are you to order me about?

Rose He’s the Grand Vizier. Be careful you don’t annoy him, Sinbad.

Kumquat Please don’t, otherwise he’ll only kick me.

Vizier Shut up, Kumquat! (kicks Kumquat) Your highness shouldn’t mix with commoners.

Yasmin Sinbad may be common, but he has an honest heart. Unlike some people I know.

The Vizier secretly signals to a Guard who removes the jewel from the top of Yasmin’s palanquin and slips it into Sinbad’s pocket.

Vizier And what makes your highness believe that Sinbad has an honest heart?

Yasmin I’m a good judge of character. Unlike father, when he appointed you as his Vizier.

Vizier Your highness does me a great disservice. I am dedicated to serving your father, the Sultan. (suddenly points at the palanquin) Your highness! The jewel from your palanquin, is missing!

Rose Somebody must have stolen it!

Yasmin I care not, Rose. I’ve always found it rather vulgar.

Vizier (to Guards) Search everyone until it’s found!

Yasmin But I’ve just said it doesn’t matter, Vizier.

Vizier It’s my duty to uphold the law your highness. The thief must be found, so that innocent people aren’t suspected.

Sinbad He’s right Yasmin. I wouldn’t like to be accused of a crime that I hadn’t committed.

Vizier I’m glad you agree. (to Guards) Search him first.

Yasmin No, Vizier! I forbid it!

Sinbad It’s all right Yasmin. I have nothing to hide. (holds up his arms) Search away.

Guards search Sinbad and the jewel is discovered.

Guard (holds up the jewel) Here it is!

Vizier Aha! So, we have the thief!

Sinbad (shocked) I don’t understand! How did that get in there?

Vizier Because you stole it?

Sinbad I’m no thief.

Vizier Then how come the jewel was found in your pocket?

Sinbad I don’t know. (accusingly) Somebody must have planted it there.

Kumquat That’s what they all say.

Sinbad Surely you believe me, Yasmin.

Yasmin I do believe you, Sinbad.

Vizier Your highness is too trusting. (to Guards) Seize him!

Guards seize Sinbad.

Sinbad Where are you taking me?

Vizier You will be brought before the Sultan, for execution.

Rose Don’t you mean, trial?

Vizier It’s an open and shut case.

Yasmin No, Vizier! I love Sinbad!

Sinbad You do!?

Yasmin From the moment that our eyes first met.

Sinbad I too feel the same way about you, Yasmin.

Vizier (sneers) How touching.

Yasmin Don’t worry Sinbad. Everything will be fine, once I’ve explained to father.

Sinbad Even if I am sentenced to death. I will die happy, knowing that you love me.

Vizier Take him away!

Exit Vizier, Kumquat and Guards with Sinbad (SL)

Yasmin Go and tell Sinbad’s mother what’s happened, while I return to the palace and speak to father. Hurry Rose, there’s not a moment to lose.

Rose Yes, your highness. (exits at a run SL)

Exit Yasmin at a run (SR)