Sinbad The Sailor

Scene One

The Market Place In Old Tangiers

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus mill around stalls.

Enter Ali (SR)

ALI: Hello folks, and welcome to old Tangiers! My name’s Ali – no, not Ali Baba, that’s a completely different panto – and I love making new friends, so every time I come and shout hiya kids! I want you all to shout back, hiya Ali let’s get pally! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! That wasn’t very loud was it? Let’s try it again and this time I want you to raise the roof. (repeats business) That was fantastic!

Enter Dame Drachma (SL) pulling on a rope leading off into the wing.

DRACHMA: (straining on the rope) Move your lazy carcass, you cantankerous camel!

ALI: What’s up mum?

DRACHMA: (turns) There you are, Ali! I’ve looked everywhere for you.

ALI: You can’t have done, mum.

DRACHMA: Why can’t I?

ALI: Because you didn’t look where I was.

DRACHMA: I always knew you’d be an awkward child. Even before you were born you gave me nothing but trouble. I said to the Doctor. Doctor, every morning I get up suffering from terrible morning sickness. What do you suggest I do?

ALI: And what did he suggest?

DRACHMA: He suggested I get up in the afternoon.

ALI: You can’t blame me for making you sick before I was born, mum.

DRACHMA: No, but you didn’t have to carry it on afterwards. Now, help me shift Humpy.

ALI: Leave him to me, mum. Here Humpy I’ve got a nice sugar lump for you.

Enter Humpy at a run (SL) the rope goes slack and Drachma to falls over.

DRACHMA: (stands) You did that on a purpose you devious dromedary! If you don’t start pulling your weight around here soon, it’s the Kit-e-Kat factory for you.

ALI: You can’t sell Humpy to the Kit-e-Kat factory, mum!

DRACHMA: Why can’t I?

ALI: Because I promised first refusal to the glue factory.

DRACHMA: I’m seriously considering getting another camel, Ali.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

ALI: Humpy says, can you get a female camel?

DRACHMA: Forget it Humpy. What you’re thinking is impossible.

ALI: Why is it, mum?

DRACHMA: Because Ali…(whispers)

ALI: I don’t remember you taking him to the vet’s. (Humpy crosses his back legs) I think it’s a bit too late for that, Humpy.

DRACHMA: (Humpy bashes her) All right, there’s no need take the hump. (laughs) Take the hump?

ALI: Don’t worry Humpy, what you’ve never used you’ll never miss.

DRACHMA: And you should know. Anyway, I’m thinking of replacing Humpy, not bringing in a second camel.

Humpy whispers to Ali.

ALI: I don’t blame you, Humpy.

Exit Humpy (SR)

DRACHMA: Where’s he going now, Ali?

ALI: He’s off to The Bent Turban, to drown his sorrows.

DRACHMA: He reminds me of your father. He spent more time in there than his own home.

ALI: I never knew dad. What was he like, mum?

DRACHMA: He was an able seaman, like your brother Sinbad. Although not as able as I’d hoped. It was a whirlwind romance. I was in a whirl, and he had wind. On our wedding night, I asked if he’d carry me over the threshold. And he replied, where am I going to get a forklift at this time of night? After you were born, he went back to sea. But then his ship sank in a terrible storm, with no survivors. Leaving me to bring up two sons, alone. And it hasn’t been easy. Things got that bad I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and told him I was feeling suicidal.

ALI: And what did he say?

DRACHMA: He told me to pay in advance.

ALI: It’s sad to think of poor dad, lying somewhere on the seafloor.

DRACHMA: He was used to lying on the floor. Mostly outside The Bent Turban. Still, life goes on. And it would be a whole lot easier if you got yourself a job.

ALI: I have looked, mum.

DRACHMA: Well try looking a bit harder.

ALI: How come you don’t go on at Sinbad about getting a job?

DRACHMA: He already has a job, sailing the world seeking fame and fortune.

ALI: Well, he must be looking for it in all the wrong places.

DRACHMA: At least Sinbad brings me back some nice prezzies from his travels.

ALI: So do I!

DRACHMA: Name one thing you’ve brought me back, Ali.

ALI: I brought you back that nice present from Blackpool, remember?

DRACHMA: I remember. It was a stick of rock with Blickpool, running all the way through it.

ALI: It’s hardly my fault they had a dyslexic letterer.

DRACHMA: You don’t know what good hard work is.

ALI: No – what good is it?

DRACHMA: Listen – hard work never killed anybody.

ALI: Well, I don’t want to risk being its first victim.

DRACHMA: There’s not much chance of that. The last job you had, was milk monitor.

ALI: I loved that job, and then you made me give it up.

DRACHMA: There was a good reason for that, Ali.

ALI: What good reason was that then?

DRACHMA: You were twenty-two and could barely fit in your school shorts!

ALI: I could’ve bought bigger shorts.

DRACHMA: Why can’t you go to sea like Sinbad, instead of getting under my feet all day?

ALI: You know I suffer from seasickness, mum.

DRACHMA: What are you talking about? You’ve never been to sea in your life.

ALI: I know, but just thinking about it makes me sick. (looking off SL) Look out mum, here comes our landlord.

DRACHMA: I wonder what he wants this time?

ALI: At a wild guess, I’d say he wants his rent.

DRACHMA: He can want all he likes, because I’m skint.

Enter Landlord (SR)

LANDLORD: Dame Drachma. I’ve come for it and I’m not leaving until I get it.

DRACHMA: That makes a change. I thought you might be after money.

LANDLORD: That’s exactly what I’m after!

DRACHMA: You’re out of luck. I’m that poor I can’t even afford electricity.

ALI: It’s true. We have to watch our new TV by candlelight.

LANDLORD: How can you afford a new TV?

DRACHMA: It only cost a pound.

LANDLORD: You bought a TV for a pound?

ALI: That’s right. I saw an advert in Curry’s window that said, TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can’t turn that down. (to audience) Think about it.

LANDLORD: How much money do you have?

DRACHMA: Enough to last me the rest of my life – unless I buy something.

LANDLORD: Then why don’t you get a bank loan an pay your rent?

ALI: Banks will only lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

LANDLORD: Can’t you borrow money from somebody?

DRACHMA: There’s only one problem with borrowing money from people.

LANDLORD: And what’s that?

DRACHMA: They usually want it paying back.

ALI: Our only way out of poverty is winning the lottery.

DRACHMA: Being poor is such a burden.

LANDLORD: Then allow me to relieve you of your burden.

ALI: You’re letting us off our rent arrears?

LANDLORD: No, I’m evicting you. But you must still pay off your arrears.

DRACHMA: How much do I owe?

LANDLORD: Five-hundred pounds.

DRACHMA: I don’t have that kind of money!

LANDLORD: What kind do you have?

DRACHMA: Hang on and I’ll see. (takes a £5 note from her bosom which is attached to her bra by a piece of elastic) Here’s a fiver on account.

LANDLORD: On account of what?

DRACHMA: On account of that’s all I’ve got.

LANDLORD: A fiver won’t reduce your arrears by much, but it’s a start. (takes note and puts it in his pocket – Drachma yanks it back and pops it down her bra)

DRACHMA: Come to mama.

LANDLORD: I saw that! Give it back at once!

DRACHMA: No chance.

LANDLORD: Then I’ll just have to get it myself.

DRACHMA: You wouldn’t dare lay a finger on me.

LANDLORD: Where money’s involved, I’ll tackle anything. Even you. (grabs her)

DRACHMA: Take your hands off me!

LANDLORD: Hand it over! (manhandles her)

DRACHMA: (squirming about laughing) Ooooh! Ha-ha-ha!

LANDLORD: Why are you laughing? This is serious business!

DRACHMA: You’re tickling me!

Enter Police Officer (SL)

OFFICER: ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What’s going on here then?

DRACHMA: I’m being molested by this molesterer, officer.

OFFICER: (to Landlord) Is this true, sir?

LANDLORD: Do I look the type of person, who would go around molesting old bags like her?

OFFICER: Quite frankly sir…yes. (grabs hold of him) You’re nicked!

LANDLORD: But, but, but…

OFFICER: No buts sir if you don’t mind.

LANDLORD: (resisting) But I do mind!

OFFICER: Then you leave me with no choice, but to arrest you.

LANDLORD: In that case, you’re going to have to let me go on a technicality.

OFFICER: What technicality?

LANDLORD: Well, technically you’ve already arrested me.

ALI: He’s right you know, you nicked him a minute ago.

OFFICER: So, I did. (to audience) And I can’t arrest him twice, now can I?

LANDLORD: Which means you’ll have to let me go.

OFFICER: (releases him) How am I going to explain this to the chief constable? (exits SR shaking his head) Oh dear, oh dear.

DRACHMA: Well done, Ali. You helped Dracula here, get off.

ALI: I know, mum. Which means he might be grateful and not evict us.

LANDLORD: I want you out of your house by noon!

DRACHMA: Grateful my foot.

LANDLORD: And make sure you leave it in the same state as when you moved in.

ALI: Where are we going to find five-thousand cockroaches, at such short notice?

DRACHMA: Can’t you wait until my son Sinbad, returns from sea? He always brings me back a little something from his voyages.

LANDLORD: When is he due back?

DRACHMA: His ship should be docking anytime now.

LANDLORD: Very well. You have twenty-four hours to come up with the rent or be evicted.

DRACHMA: I’m sure I’ll be able to pay my rent once Sinbad gets here.

LANDLORD: You’d better had, or out you go. (exits SL)

SFX: Ship’s horn.

DRACHMA: That sounded like a ship’s horn.

ALI: It’s probably Sinbad’s ship.

DRACHMA: I only hope he’s brought back something useful. Like money for instance.

ALI: Did dad ever bring anything back from his voyages, mum?

DRACHMA: Yes, and it usually required a visit to the clinic.

ALI: (looking SR) Here comes Sinbad now, mum.

DRACHMA: Does he look loaded?

ALI: Well, he’s carrying a big heavy-looking bag.

DRACHMA: (excited) Ooooh! It’s probably filled with expensive duty free!

Enter Sinbad (SR)

SINBAD: Hello mum! Hello Ali! It’s great to be back home again.

DRACHMA: It’s wonderful to have you home again, Sinbad. Isn’t it, Ali?

ALI: What have you brought us home this time, Sinbad?

DRACHMA: Ali! Your brother has only just returned from months at sea, and all you can think of is pearls, jewels, and gold coins.

ALI: I never mentioned any of those.

DRACHMA: Well, somebody did. And seeing as the subject’s been raised. Have you brought us any pearls, jewels and gold coins, Sinbad?

SINBAD: I had a big chest full of that sort of stuff, mum. But I swapped it for something even more valuable.

DRACHMA: Ooooh! I can’t wait to see what it is!

SINBAD: I’ll show you. (takes a seashell-covered sword from his bag) Here it is. (Drachma stares open-mouthed) Well, say something mum. What’s the matter with her, Ali?

ALI: I think she’s shell-shocked.

DRACHMA: You swapped a fortune in treasure, for a sword covered in seashells!

SINBAD: It’s not any old seashell-covered sword, mum. It’s a magic, seashell-covered sword.

DRACHMA: A magic, seashell-covered sword? What kind of an idiot are you, Sinbad?

ALI: I think he’s been drinking seawater and gone delirious, mum.

SINBAD: This sword was obtained from a Witch Doctor, on the island of Bamboozle.

DRACHMA: He certainly bamboozled you Sinbad.

ALI: And you thought I was the daft one, mum.

SINBAD: They said that this sword would make me my fortune.

DRACHMA: But you already had a fortune in gold and jewels!

SINBAD: (dismissive) Those were mere trifles, mum.

DRACHMA: I like trifle!

ALI: Me too. With lots of squirty cream on top.

DRACHMA: What use is a stupid tourist trinket to us?

ALI: I suppose we could always sell it on eBay, mum.

DRACHMA: We wouldn’t get 50p for that thing. We might as well go home and start packing.

SINBAD: Are we going on holiday then?

ALI: No, we’re being evicted.

SINBAD: Evicted!?

DRACHMA: The landlord’s given us twenty-four hours to pay our rent arrears or be evicted.

ALI: We must also find five-thousand cockroaches.

DRACHMA: Let’s go, Ali.

Exit Drachma and Ali (SL)

SINBAD: I believe this sword is the key to making my fortune. I don’t know how yet, but I’m sure it will happen soon. Then they’ll eat their words. (exits SL)

Enter Sultan and Sultana (SR) with Guards.

SULTAN: Why have you dragged me to the bazaar this early in the morning?

SULTANA: I wanted to buy some little knick-knacks.

SULTAN: I think extra-large would be more fitting.

SULTANA: (snaps) Cheek! I meant knick-knacks, as in trinkets!

SULTAN: Sorry dear, my mistake.

SULTANA: And my mistake, was marrying you.

SULTAN: At least my people still love me. Whenever I go out, they all wave at me.

SULTANA: Yes, but it would be nice if they used all of their fingers.

SULTAN: You’re very cranky this morning. Has your mirror body-shamed you again?

SULTANA: No, it hasn’t! Haven’t you noticed anything different about me?

SULTAN: That’s the most terrifying thing a woman could ever ask a man.

SULTANA: Well?

SULTAN: You’ve had your hair done?

SULTANA: No!

SULTAN: Nails?

SULTANA: No!

SULTAN: Teeth?

SULTANA: No!

SULTAN: I give up.

SULTANA: Men! What is the actual point of them?

SULTAN: Imagine what the world would be like without men.

SULTANA: It would be colour coordinated and full of happy fat women.

SULTAN: So, what is different about you?

SULTANA: For the first time in my life, I’m wearing the same dress as yesterday!

SULTAN: Then why did you ask if I’d noticed anything different about you?

SULTANA: To emphasise the fact that I can’t afford new clothes.

SULTAN: That’s because we’re skint.

SULTANA: Which is why we must marry Yasmin off to a rich Prince, quick.

SULTAN: She doesn’t seem interested in getting married.

SULTANA: There must be a rich Prince somewhere, who might interest her.

SULTAN: Then let’s return to the palace and make some calls.

SULTANA: Very well. But leave all the talking to me.

SULTAN: I don’t usually have much choice.

Exit Sultan and Sultana (SR)

Enter Grand Vizier and Kumquat (SL)

VIZIER: Greetings, you miserable peasants!

CHORUS: Yeah – greetings you invisible pheasants.

VIZIER: I am the Grand Vizier. And this is Kumquat, my righthand lacky.

KUMQUAT: But I’m lefthanded, boss.

VIZIER: Then you can be my lefthand sidekick instead.

KUMQUAT: What exactly does a sidekick do then?

VIZIER: They stick close to their masters in case they ever need somebody to kick.

KUMQUAT: Can I go back to being your righthand lacky instead?

VIZIER: Too late, Kumquat. (kicks Kumquat)

Enter Yasmin (SR) in a palanquin carried by Guards, followed by Rose.

YASMIN: Halt! (Guards set the palanquin down CS and Yasmin steps out) Come on Rose. I fancy a stroll around the bazaar.

ROSE: Yes, your highness.

VIZIER: Princess Yasmin! It’s not safe for your highness to stop here.

YASMIN: Why not, Vizier?

VIZIER: The bazaar is full of muggers, thieves and villains.

YASMIN: Nonsense – I shop here all the time. Let’s find a jewellery stall Rose.

ROSE: Okay your highness, but I can’t afford anything until payday.

YASMIN: Then allow me to buy you something as a gift.

ROSE: Your highness is too kind. (steps back bowing and bumps into the Vizier)

VIZIER: (snaps) You, clumsy oaf! Why don’t you watch what you’re doing?

YASMIN: Vizier! How dare you speak to Rose, thus!

VIZIER: I will speak as I please to servants.

YASMIN: Rose might be a servant. But she’s also my best friend, and you’d do well to remember that in future.

VIZIER: A thousand pardons, your highness.

YASMIN: You may leave us, Vizier.

VIZIER: I can’t leave your highness here, unprotected.

YASMIN: I’m not unprotected. Rose has a black belt in karate. Haven’t you Rose?

ROSE: Yes, and I will protect your highness with my life.

VIZIER: Is that so? (pulls out a dagger and raises it at Rose)

ROSE: Hi-ya! (blocks his arm and strikes him in the midriff)

YASMIN: Vizier! Why did you just attack Rose?

VIZIER: (wincing) I was just testing her, to see if she really could protect your highness.

YASMIN: And are you satisfied?

KUMQUAT: Satisfied? I think he’s crippled.

VIZIER: Move it Kumquat! (kicks Kumquat)

Exit Vizier and Kumquat (SL) followed by Guards.

YASMIN: What a horrible man, the Vizier is.

ROSE: He gives me the creeps. He’s like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.

YASMIN: I wish father had never made him Vizier in the first place.

They move to a stall (USL)

Enter Sinbad (DSR)

SINBAD: (to audience) Mum’s still mad at me. So, I’ve returned to the bazaar to buy her something nice as a peace-offering.

YASMIN: (picking up a bangle) What do you think of this, Rose?

ROSE: It’s beautiful your highness.

YASMIN: (drops bangle) Whoops! Butterfingers!

ROSE: I’ll get it!

YAS & ROSE: (they both go to pick it up and bump heads) Ouch!

SINBAD: Allow me, ladies. (picks up the bangle)

YASMIN: (taking the bangle) Thank you, kind sir.

ROSE: It’s nice to know that gentlemen still exist. Isn’t it your highness?

SINBAD: (exclaims) Your highness!?

ROSE: This is her highness, Princess Yasmin.

YASMIN: And now that you know my name, perhaps you’ll tell me yours.

SINBAD: It’s Sinbad, your highness. And I’m a sailor.

YASMIN: I’ve heard much about your adventures, Sinbad.

SINBAD: Really? And what have you heard, Princess?

YASMIN: That you sail the seven seas, in search of treasure?

SINBAD: I do. But little did I know that the greatest treasure was right here in Tangiers.

YASMIN: And what treasure might that be?

SINBAD: Why your highness, of course.

YASMIN: You flatter me Sinbad.

SINBAD: It’s true. I’ve sailed the world over and have yet to meet anyone more beautiful.

YASMIN: And I’ve not met anybody as brave and as handsome as you, Sinbad. Music cue 2: Yasmin and Sinbad. After song ends…

Enter Vizier and Kumquat (SL)

ROSE: (to audience) Oh look. It’s the return of Batman and Robin.

VIZIER: (indicating Sinbad) Is this person bothering your highness?

YASMIN: Of course not. (to Sinbad) I think it best if you left now, Sinbad.

SINBAD: When will I see you again?

YASMIN: I’ll meet you here at the same time tomorrow.

SINBAD: I shall count the minutes, Yasmin.

VIZIER: How dare you call the Princess by her first name! On your knees, dog!

SINBAD: Who are you to order me about?

ROSE: He’s the Grand Vizier. Be careful you don’t annoy him, Sinbad.

KUMQUAT: I second that – otherwise he’ll only kick me.

VIZIER: Correct! (kicks Kumquat) Your highness shouldn’t mix with commoners.

YASMIN: Sinbad may be common, but he has an honest heart. Unlike someone I know.

The Vizier secretly signals to a Guard who removes the jewel from the top of Yasmin’s palanquin and slips it into Sinbad’s pocket.

VIZIER: And what makes your highness believe that Sinbad has an honest heart?

YASMIN: I’m a good judge of character. Unlike father when he appointed you, Vizier.

VIZIER: Your highness does me a great disservice. I am dedicated to serving your father, the Sultan. (pointing) Your highness! The jewel from your palanquin, is missing!

ROSE: Somebody must have stolen it!

YASMIN: I don’t care, Rose. I always found it rather vulgar.

VIZIER: (to Guards) Search everyone until it’s found!

YASMIN: But I’ve just said it doesn’t matter, Vizier.

VIZIER: It’s my duty to uphold the law your highness. The thief must be found, so that innocent people aren’t suspected.

SINBAD: He’s right Yasmin. I wouldn’t like to be accused of a crime I hadn’t committed.

VIZIER: I’m glad you agree. (to Guards) Search him first.

YASMIN: No, Vizier! I forbid it!

SINBAD: It’s all right Yasmin. I have nothing to hide. (holds up his arms) Search away.

Guards search Sinbad and the jewel is discovered.

GUARD: (holds up the jewel) Here it is!

VIZIER: Aha! So, we have the thief!

SINBAD: (shocked) I don’t understand! How did that get in there?

VIZIER: Because you stole it?

SINBAD: I’m no thief.

VIZIER: Then how come the jewel was found in your pocket?

SINBAD: I don’t know. (accusingly) Somebody must have planted it there.

KUMQUAT: That’s what they all say.

SINBAD: Surely you believe me, Yasmin.

YASMIN: I do believe you, Sinbad.

VIZIER: Your highness is too trusting. (to Guards) Seize him!

Guards seize Sinbad.

SINBAD: Where are you taking me?

VIZIER: You will be brought before the Sultan, for execution.

ROSE: Don’t you mean, trial?

VIZIER: It’s an open and shut case.

YASMIN: No, Vizier! I love Sinbad!

SINBAD: You do!?

YASMIN: From the moment our eyes first met.

SINBAD: I also feel the same way about you, Yasmin.

VIZIER: (sneers) How touching.

YASMIN: Don’t worry Sinbad. Everything will be fine once I’ve explained to father.

SINBAD: Even if I’m sentenced to death. I will die happy knowing that you love me.

VIZIER: Take him away!

Exit Vizier, Kumquat and Guards with Sinbad (SL)

YASMIN: Go and tell Sinbad’s mother what’s happened, while I return to the palace and speak to father. Hurry Rose, there’s not a moment to lose.

ROSE: Yes, your highness. (exits at a run SL)

Exit Yasmin at a run (SR)