Robinson Crusoe And The Pirates Version 2

Scene One

Bristol Docks

Music cue 1: Sailors. After song ends…Sailors exit (USL)

Billy enters (DSL)

Billy
Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Billy Crusoe, brother of the famous Robinson Crusoe. Although I don’t think he’s as famous as he believes. Mum’s probably more famous for her Bristol’s…pies that is. You see, she’s cook for the Scuppered Bosun public house, and invented the famous ‘Bristol Belly-buster’ meat and potato pie. The reason I’m at the docks today, is because mum’s sailing off to France to do a bit of duty-free shopping and she wants me to accompany her. Now I need to nip off and get some snacks for the trip, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I was wondering if you’d help me out. Will you? (audience respond) Smashing. Now before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, ‘all aboard’ So if you hear anybody shout ‘all aboard’ I want you all to shout ‘wait for us – wait for us’ as loud as you can and I’ll come running, okay? (audience respond) Now don’t forget. (exits SL)

Music cue 2: Celia Crusoe enters (SR) wheeling on a suitcase and singing.

Celia
#All the nice girls love a sailor…# (spots audience and puts her suitcase down) Oh, hello! Are you all waiting to embark? Me too. I’m just looking for a nice young sailor to take me up the gangplank. I’ve never done it before you see. Sailing that is. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Celia Crusoe, mother of the world-famous explorer Robinson Crusoe. This is my maiden voyage and I’m ever so nervous. Well the sea’s a very dangerous place, isn’t it? Last week a P&O liner was overrun by hordes of hunky pirates, who tossed all the men overboard and ravished all the women. And to think I nearly booked a cruise on it. (sighs) Oh well, maybe I’ll have better luck this time. Mind you, my poor husband hasn’t had much luck ever since he spliced fell off the rigging and spliced his mainbrace. Now he’s bedridden and spends all his time watching telly. He loves ‘In The Night Garden’, especially Upsy Daisy.

SFX: Loud knocking

Celia
(shouts) Calm down! (to audience) It’s because he heard me mention his favourite programme. He’s laid up there now waiting for it to start. (cocks an ear) Oh, he’s gone very quiet. I wonder if he’s all right? (shouts) Upsy Daisy! (knocking) He’s fine. Would you mind helping me look after him? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff. Just a bit of long-distance babysitting. Every time I say ‘I wonder if he’s all right’? I want you all to shout ‘Upsy Daisy’ and if he knocks then I’ll know he’s okay. Let’s have a go then. I wonder if he’s all right? (audience respond)

SFX: Loud knocking.

Celia
(to audience) Well done.

Captain Codpiece enters (USL) behind her.

Captain
(bellows) Ahoy in front and avaaast behind!

Celia
(grabs her bum) How dare you! (turns) Oh hello, Admiral. I didn’t notice you hoving into view.

Captain
I’m ‘Captain Codpiece’.

Celia
I thought I could smell something fishy. But I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform. And may I say what a smart uniform you’re wearing, Commander.

Captain
I’m a ‘Captain’!

Celia
For now. (sidles up to him) But there’s no telling how far you’d go, with the right woman behind you.

Captain
If you were the woman right behind me, I’d go a long way. (aside to audience) In the opposite direction. (to Celia) And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew, if you don’t mind.

Celia
What do you take me for? (Captain whispers and she is outraged) What!? You sailors are all alike. Just because you see a slim attractive young woman, walking up and down the docks. You immediately jump to conclusions.

Captain
Then what are you doing here?

Celia
I’m waiting for my ship to come in.

Captain
(aside) You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.

Celia
I’m off to do a spot of shopping in France.

Captain
What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?

Celia
‘The Rubber Duck’.

Captain
That’s my vessel and I’m bound for the Caribbean, not France.

Celia
But The Rubber Duck always goes to France. Its crew have been clients of mine for years.

Captain
So you’re the source of my crew’s ailment!

Celia
I don’t know what you’re on about. If you must know, I’m landlady of the ‘Scuppered Boson’ public house, which is frequently frequented by sailors.

Captain
It’s just a sea-faring joke, there’s no need get all crabby. Hah! ‘Sea’…’crabby’. Get it?

Celia
If that’s a sample of seafaring humour, this show’s going to sink like a stone.

Captain
Like my last ship. And the one before that, and the one before that, and the one…

Celia
…Hang on! How many ships have you had sink under you?

Captain
Five so far.

Celia
What happened to them?

Captain
They all hit the harbour wall and sank.

Celia
You mean to say, you’ve never even made it out of harbour yet?

Captain
No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.

Celia
And what makes you think this time will be any different?

Captain
‘Cos I’ve hit the wall that many times, there’s nothing left of it.

Celia
So how come The Rubber Duck doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore?

Captain
Brexit happened. So now we do Caribbean Cruises, instead.

Celia
Just my luck. (rethinks) Mind you, I suppose I could stock up on duty-free rum.

Captain
I’ll see you aboard then. (exits SR)

Paperboy enters (SL)

Paperboy
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! ‘Blackbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard’!

Celia
Give me one of those papers. (takes paper and reads) Oh dear, how awful!

Paperboy
(holding hand out) That’s sixpence for the newspaper, Mrs.

Celia
In that case, you can have it back.

Paperboy
But you’ve read it now.

Celia
So?

Paperboy
So you still have to pay for it.

Celia
Listen here, sonny Jim.

Paperboy
(cocky) My name’s not Jim, it’s Jack!

Celia
All right then, sonny ‘Jack’. That paper’s already been read hasn’t it?

Paperboy
Yes…by you!

Celia
That’s irrelevant. I’m not buying second-hand newspapers. Now sling your hook.

Paperboy exits (SR) muttering.

Celia
(to audience) I’d better go and buy some water-wings, just in case. But I don’t want to miss the boat, so I wonder if you’d help me out. Will you? (audience respond) Thanks. Now apparently before a ship sails, somebody always shouts ‘all aboard’! So whenever you hear anybody shout ‘all aboard’ I want you all to shout ‘wait for us’ as loud as you can and I’ll come running, okay? (audience respond) Thanks. See you later then. (exits SL)

Music cue 3: Robinson strolls on (SR)

Robinson
Hiya kids! I’m Robinson Crusoe the world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) I’m just off to the explore the Caribbean, and I’m hoping to catch mum before she sets sail for France. I want to make sure she gets her luggage all aboard. (audience respond)

Celia runs on (USL) and Billy runs on (DSL) they contrive to crash into each other and fall on the floor.

Celia
(getting to her feet) You great twit, Billy! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?

Billy
(getting to his feet) It was you who got in my way!

Celia
I should’ve given you up at birth!

Billy
(shocked and upset) You don’t really mean that, do you mum?

Celia
No, of course not son. (aside to audience) I did try, but nobody would have him.

Robinson
What’s up mum? You haven’t missed the boat, have you?

Billy
I think she missed it years ago.

Celia
Cheek! (to Robinson) No, but I’m having second thoughts about going. I’m scared we might get hijacked by pirates.

Robinson
(to Celia) But I thought you had a soft spot for pirates, mum.

Celia
Only if the look like Johnny Depp. Anyway, if the government didn’t tax life’s little luxuries so much. I wouldn’t have to go abroad to get me ciggies and booze

Billy
With what you’re planning on bringing back, you’ll be able to open an off licence.

Celia
What a good idea, Billy!

Robinson
So that’s your game is it?

Celia
A girl has to make a living somehow. Anyway, I’m not going to France. The ferry’s been sold to an ex-JCB driver, who’s sailing it to the Caribbean.

Billy
You’ll be for it if the excise men nab you, mum. You’re not allowed to resell duty-free.

Celia
I’m not re-selling it duty-free. I’m charging full price.

Dr Defoe enters (SR) and goes up to them.

Dr Defoe
Pardon me. Could you tell me where I can find a ship named ‘The Rubber Duck’?

Robinson
That’s the ship we’re sailing on!

Billy
You can stick with us if you like.

Dr Defoe
That’s very kind of you.

Robinson
(to Dr Defoe) Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world-famous explorer. (slaps his thigh) You’ve no doubt heard of me.

Dr Defoe
No, I don’t think so.

Robinson
(surprised) Oh!

Celia
And I’m his mother, Mrs Celia Crusoe.

Dr Defoe
You’re Celia Crusoe! Inventor of the famous ‘Bristol Belly-buster?

Celia
(proudly) The very same.

Robinson
(butting in – to Dr Defoe) Would you like to hear all about my latest exciting adventure, Mr…?

Dr Defoe
(uninterested)…Not really. (to Celia) I’m a big fan of your Bristol’s, Mrs Crusoe.

Celia
Come to my cabin later tonight and I’ll let you have a little nibble. I have a couple in my suitcase.

Dr Defoe
I look forward to it.

Billy
(aside to audience) I think he might be biting off more than he can chew.

Robinson
Are you sure you haven’t heard of me, Mr…?

Dr Defoe
Defoe. Dr Daniel Defoe.

Billy
Are you the ship’s Doctor?

Dr Defoe
No, I’m a botanist.

Celia
Well, live and let live I always say.

Dr Defoe
I’m going to the Caribbean in search of the legendary, man-eating Giant Stinkwort.

Robinson
Do you believe it really exists, Doctor Defoe?

Dr Defoe
That’s what I intend to find out.

Billy
How come anything that eats people, is always called a ‘man-eater’? And never a ‘woman-eater’?

Celia
Maybe it’s because women have more sense, than to go near anything that looks even remotely dangerous.

Billy
Let’s get aboard ship, mum.

Celia
I’m not sure I want to go now.

Billy
But you’ve always fancied a Caribbean cruise.

Robinson
And this is your chance for an all-expenses-paid trip.

Celia
(eyes light up) All-expenses-paid?

Robinson
Yes, mum. My trip’s being sponsored by Booking.com.

Celia
But I’m a bit worried about the competence of our Captain.

Robinson
I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, mum.

Captain Codpiece enters (SR)

Captain
All aboard! (audience respond) We’ll never fit all you lot aboard!

De Defoe
I don’t think they’re coming with us, Captain.

Celia
No, they’re far too sensible. (to audience) Aren’t you? (audience respond)

Robinson
(to Captain) I’m looking forward to sailing with you, Captain Codpiece.

Captain
Are you the ship’s new lookout?

Robinson
No, I’m Robinson Crusoe the world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) You’re sure to have heard of me, you being a sea-faring man.

Captain
Nope. Can’t say that I have.

Robinson
I’m very famous abroad!

Captain
That would explain why I’ve never heard of you, then.

Robinson
What do you mean?

Captain
I’ve never been abroad before.

Billy
But you’re a ship’s Captain! How come you’ve never been abroad before?

Celia
(dryly) The harbour wall kept on getting in the way.

A one-legged Sailor enters (SR) on a crutch.

Dr Defoe
What happened to your leg, sailor?

Sailor
I’d set my heart on playing Long John Silver in a Treasure Island panto. So, I had it off to give myself a better chance of landing the part.

Dr Defoe
And did you?

Sailor
No, they changed their minds and did Cinderella instead. (exits SL)

A one-armed Sailor enters (SR)

Captain
Did you lose your arm in a sailing accident, sailor?

Sailor
No Cap’n, I cut it off.

Billy
Why on earth did you cut off your own arm?

Sailor
I’ve always wanted to sail round the world single-handed. (exits SL)