Robinson Crusoe And The Pirates Version 2

Scene One

Bristol Docks

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (USL)

Enter Billy (DSL)

BILLY: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Billy Crusoe, brother of the famous Robinson Crusoe. Although I’m not sure he’s as famous as he believes. Our mum’s probably more famous for her Bristol’s – pies that is. She’s cook, at The Boson’s Arms and invented the famous Bristol Belly Buster, meat and potato pie. She’s sailing to France for some duty-free shopping today and wants me to accompany her. I need to buy some sunscreen for the trip, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I was wondering if you’d do me a favour. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, all aboard! So, if you hear anybody shout all aboard! I want you to shout, wait for us! And I’ll come running, okay? Now, don’t forget. (exits SL)

Enter Celia Crusoe (SR) wheeling on a suitcase and singing.

CELIA: ‘All the nice girls love a sailor…’ Oh, hello! Are you all waiting to embark? Me too. I’m just looking for a nice young sailor to take me up the gangplank. I’ve never done it before you see. Sailing that is. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Celia Crusoe, mother of Robinson Crusoe and a widow of this parish. My late husband was an able seaman but wasn’t able at much else. Ten years ago he was lost at sea. I’m not surprised he got lost, because he was a hopeless navigator. When we were courting, it took him a month to navigate his hand to my knee. My old gran is staying home alone, because she’s bedridden and spends all her time watching TV. She loves In The Night Garden. They say we all revert to children again once we reach a certain age, don’t they? Anyway, her favourite character is Upsy Daisy.

SFX: Loud knocking.

Calm down! It’s because she’s heard me mention it. (cocks an ear) She’s gone very quiet. Oh, I wonder if she’s all right? (shouts) Upsy Daisy!

SFX: Loud knocking.

She’s fine. Would you mind helping me look after her? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff. Just a bit of long-distance babysitting. Every time I say, I wonder if she’s all right? I want you all to shout, Upsy Daisy! If she knocks, then I’ll know she’s okay. Let’s have a go then. Oh, I wonder if she’s all right?

SFX: Loud knocking.

Well done everybody.

Music cue 2: Enter Captain Codpiece (USL)

CAPTAIN: Avaaast behind!

CELIA: (grabs her bum) It’s no bigger than anybody else’s! (turns) Oh hello, Admiral. I didn’t notice you hoving up behind me.

CAPTAIN: I’m Captain Codpiece.

CELIA: I thought I smelt something fishy. But I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform. And may I say what a smart uniform you’re wearing, Commander.

CAPTAIN: I’m a Captain!

CELIA: Yes, but there’s no telling how far you’d go with the right woman behind you.

CAPTAIN: If you were behind me, I’d go a long way. In the opposite direction. And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew if you don’t mind.

CELIA: What do you take me for? (Captain whispers) How dare you! You sailors are all alike. Just because you see a slim attractive young woman, walking up and down the docks. You immediately jump to conclusions.

CAPTAIN: Then what are you doing here?

CELIA: I’m waiting for my ship to come in.

CAPTAIN: You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.

CELIA: I’m just off to do a spot of duty-free shopping in Calais.

CAPTAIN: What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?

CELIA: The Slack Girl.

CAPTAIN: But that’s my vessel. And I’m bound for the Caribbean, not Calais.

CELIA: That’s a bitter blow. The Slack Girl’s crew have been clients of mine for years.

CAPTAIN: So, you’re the source of my crew’s ailment.

CELIA: (snaps) I don’t know what you’re talking about! If you must know, I’m cook at The Boson’s Arms, which is frequently frequented by sailors.

CAPTAIN: All right, there’s no need get crabby. (laughs) Sea? Crabby? Get it?

CELIA: If that’s a sample of seafaring humour, then this show will sink like a stone.

CAPTAIN: Just like my last ship. And the one before that, and the one before that, and…

CELIA: How many ships have you had sink under you?

CAPTAIN: Let me see now –seven so far.

CELIA: Seven!? What happened to them all?

CAPTAIN: They all hit the harbour wall and sank.

CELIA: You mean, you’ve never even made it out of harbour yet?

CAPTAIN: No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.

CELIA: And what makes you think this time will be any different?

CAPTAIN: Because I’ve hit the wall that many times, there’s nothing left of it.

CELIA: So, how come The Slack Girl doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore?

CAPTAIN: They opened the channel tunnel.

CELIA: Never mind. I’ll just stock up on duty-free Caribbean rum instead.

CAPTAIN: I’ll see you aboard then. (exits SR)

Enter Paperboy (SL)

BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Redbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard!

CELIA: Give me one of those papers. (takes paper and reads) How dreadful!

BOY: That’s sixpence for the newspaper, Mrs.

CELIA: Sixpence! In that case, you can have it back.

BOY: But you’ve read it now, so you must still pay for it.

CELIA: Listen, sonny Jim.

BOY: My name’s Jack, not Jim.

CELIA: All right then, sonny Jack. That paper’s already been read hasn’t it?

BOY: Only by you.

CELIA: That’s irrelevant. I’m not buying second-hand newspapers. Sling your hook.

BOY: Extra! Read all about it! Paperboy mugged by old-age pensioner! (exits SR)

CELIA: Cheek! I need to buy some ladies’ stuff from Boots, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I wonder if you’d all help me out. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts all aboard! So if you hear anybody shout, all aboard! I want you to shout, wait for us! And I’ll come running. Okay? Now don’t forget. (exits SL)

Music cue 3: Enter Robinson striding on (SR)

ROBINSON: Hiya folks! I’m Robinson Crusoe the world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) No doubt you’ve all heard of me. I’m about to sail to the Caribbean, and I want to catch mum before she sets off for France, and help get her luggage, all aboard.

Enter Celia at a run (SR) and Billy at a run (SL) crash together and fall.

CELIA: (getting up) You clumsy oaf, Billy! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?

BILLY: (getting up) It was you who got in my way, mum!

CELIA: I should’ve given you up at birth!

BILLY: (shocked) You don’t really mean that, do you mum?

CELIA: Of course not, son. (aside to audience) I did try, but nobody would have him.

ROBINSON: You haven’t missed the boat, have you mum?

CELIA: (wryly) I think I missed it long ago. I’m having second thoughts about going, Robinson. I’m frightened in case we get hijacked by pirates.

BILLY: But I always thought you had a soft spot for pirates, mum.

CELIA: Only if they look like Johnny Depp. Anyway, if the government didn’t tax life’s little luxuries so much. I wouldn’t have to go abroad to get me baccy and booze.

BILLY: With what you’re planning on bringing back, you could open an off licence.

CELIA: What a good idea, Billy.

ROBINSON: So, that’s your little game is it?

CELIA: A girl must make a living somehow.

BILLY: But you’re not allowed to resell duty-free.

CELIA: I’m not! I’m charging full price. Anyway, I’m not going to Calais. The ferry’s been sold to a demolition expert, who’s sailing it to the Caribbean.

ROBINSON: What’s the name of your ship, mum?

CELIA: The Slack Girl.

ROBINSON: But that’s the ship I’m sailing on!

BILLY: That’s handy. It’ll be like a nice little family holiday.

Enter Dr Defoe (SR)

DR DEFOE: Pardon me. But do you know where I can find a ship called, The Slack Girl?

BILLY: That’s the ship we’re all sailing on.

DR DEFOE: What a happy coincidence.

CELIA: Just stick with us, Sinbad.

DR DEFOE: Thank you, but my name’s not Sinbad. It’s Defoe. Dr Daniel Defoe.

ROBINSON: Are you the ship’s doctor?

DR DEFOE: No, I’m a botanist.

CELIA: Well, live and let live I always say.

BILLY: A botanist doctor? Does that mean you look after sick plants?

DR DEFOE: If needs be.

CELIA: Why are you going to the Caribbean, Doctor?

DR DEFOE: I’m going in search of the legendary, man-eating Giant Stinkwort.

BILLY: Why are things that eat people, called man-eaters and not woman-eaters?

CELIA: Maybe it’s because women have more sense, than to go near anything that looks even remotely dangerous.

ROBINSON: (to Dr Defoe) I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world-famous explorer. (slaps his thigh) You’ve no doubt heard of me.

DR DEFOE: No, I don’t think so.

ROBINSON: Are you sure you haven’t heard of me? I’m a famous celebrity explorer.

DR DEFOE: I’m not really into celebrities, I’m afraid.

CELIA: And I’m his mother, Mrs Celia Crusoe.

DR DEFOE: (gushing) Not, Celia Crusoe! the inventor of the famous Bristol Belly Buster?

CELIA: The very same.

ROBINSON: Would you like to hear all about my latest exciting adventure, Doctor Defoe?

DR DEFOE: No thanks. I’m a big fan of your Bristol’s, Mrs Crusoe.

CELIA: Come to my cabin later and I’ll let you have a little nibble. I’ve packed a couple of pies in my suitcase.

DR DEFOE: I’m looking forward to it.

BILLY: You might be biting off more than you can chew, Doctor.

ROBINSON: I think it’s time we all got aboard ship.

CELIA: I’m not sure I want to go now.

BILLY: But you’ve always fancied a Caribbean cruise, mum.

CELIA: I know, but isn’t the Caribbean overrun with pirates?

ROBINSON: Only in the movies, mum.

CELIA: Oh, all right then I’ll go.

Music cue 4: Enter Captain (SR)

CAPTAIN: All aboard! (response) We’ll never fit all you lot aboard! You’ll just have to catch the next ship.

ROBINSON: I’m looking forward to sailing with you, Captain Codpiece.

CAPTAIN: Are you the ship’s new lookout?

ROBINSON: No, Captain. I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) Surely, you’ve heard of me. You being a seafaring man.

CAPTAIN: No, I can’t say that I have.

ROBINSON: But I’m famous the world over!

CAPTAIN: That would explain why I’ve never heard of you.

ROBINSON: What do you mean, Captain?

CAPTAIN: I’ve never been abroad before.

BILLY: How can a ship’s Captain never have been abroad?

CELIA: The harbour wall kept on getting in the way.

Enter Sailor 1 (SR) he has one-leg and uses a crutch.

CAPTAIN: What happened to your leg, sailor?

SAILOR 1: I had it cut off, Captain.

CAPTAIN: What on earth for?

SAILOR 1: To have a better chance of playing Long John Silver in a Treasure Island panto.

DR DEFOE: And did you get the part?

SAILOR 1: No, they changed their minds and did Cinderella instead. (exits SL)

Enter Sailor 2 (SR) he only has one arm.

CAPTAIN: How did you lose your arm, sailor?

SAILOR 2: I cut it off, Captain.

BILLY: Why did you cut off your own arm?

SAILOR 2: I’ve always fancied sailing round the world single-handed. (exits SL)

ROBINSON: I must say you have a very dedicated crew, Captain.

CELIA: Dedicated!? If you ask me, they ought to be medicated.

Enter Swash and Buckle (SR) with a big cardboard box –they set it down.

CAPTAIN: What’s in that box, sailors?

SWASH: Bra’s and stuff, Cap’n

CAPTAIN: Why are you taking bra’s aboard ship!?

BUCKLE: You asked us to Cap’n.

CAPTAIN: Oh no, I didn’t!

SWASH: Oh yes, you did Captain.

BUCKLE: I distinctly remember you asking us to fetch 42D cups, Captain.

CAPTAIN: I asked you to fetch forty-two teacups!

SWASH: (takes out a huge bra) Sorry Captain, but these are the biggest we could find.

CAPTAIN: And what about the large sides of beef?

BUCKLE: (takes out a large pair of underpants) I thought you said large-sized briefs.

CAPTAIN: I don’t think I want to see the next item.

DR DEFOE: And what’s that, Captain?

CAPTAIN: A bag of shot.

SWASH: (to Buckle) I told you he said shot, didn’t I?

CAPTAIN: Idiots! Take it away and show these passengers to their cabins!

BUCKLE: Which ones?

CAPTAIN: (indicating Celia & Co) These ones here.

BUCKLE: I meant which cabins, Captain?

CAPTAIN: The ones under the foredeck.

BILLY: It must be a big ship if it has four decks, mum.

CAPTAIN: Perhaps you’d all like to sit at my table for supper, later.

CELIA: Well, I’m sure as heck not standing.

CAPTAIN: I’ll see you all later then. (exits SL)

SWASH: (to Celia and Co) Follow us to your quarters.

Swash and Buckle pick up the box.

ROBINSON: Coming mum?

CELIA: You boys run along. I just want to take a last look at Bristol, before setting off.

BILLY: Okay mum.

BUCKLE: Follow us everybody.

Exit Swash and Buckle (SL) followed by Robinson and Billy.

Celia coughs roughly and wipes away a tear.

DR DEFOE: Do I detect a tear in your eye, Mrs Crusoe?

CELIA: How very perceptive of you, Doctor Defoe.

DR DEFOE: Is it because you’re getting all emotional about leaving dear old England?

CELIA: No, it’s because my gusset digs in something chronic whenever I cough.

Enter Paperboy (SR)

PAPERBOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Ship overrun at sea! Redbeard strikes again! Fifty sailors go to the bottom! Extra! Extra! (exits SL)

CELIA: I can’t go. The thought of being pillaged by pirates is setting me shingles off.

DR DEFOE: I can guarantee your safety Mrs Crusoe. Providing that you do a little something for me in return. (winking & tapping nose, etc)

CELIA: Have you got some strange tropical ailment, Doctor Defoe?

DR DEFOE: No! But rest assured, everything will be fine. (winking & tapping nose, etc)

CELIA: Is there something you want to tell me, Doctor?

DR DEFOE: Yes, but only if you’re completely circumspect.

CELIA: I was, the last time I looked.

DR DEFOE: You mustn’t breathe a word of it to anyone.

CELIA: You can rely on me. Just whisper it in my ear. (he does and she repeats it loudly) You’re a secret agent on a mission to capture Redbeard! You’re hoping to trap him when he attacks the ship! Attacks the ship! (laughs hysterically)

DR DEFOE: Why are you laughing? This is a very serious matter!

CELIA: (waggles finger in her ear) Sorry, you were tickling my ear.

DR DEFOE: If my mission is to succeed, I will need your help. Now, listen closely.

CELIA: (he whispers and she repeats it loudly) Everything must look normal! The pirates mustn’t suspect a thing! One of them may already be aboard ship and you want me to become a spy! A snoop on the poop?

DR DEFOE: Yes. Now, will you do it?

CELIA: Are you kidding? Snooping’s my second favourite hobby.

DR DEFOE: And what’s your favourite hobby?

CELIA: Don’t ask, it’s a family show. So, what’s my secret agent number?

DR DEFOE: Number?

CELIA: You know –like James Bond.

DR DEFOE: Oh, you mean 007?

CELIA: Yes, only I’d like something more appropriate. (pushes her chest out)

DR DEFOE: (looks at her chest) How about 0048C?

CELIA: That sounds perfect!

DR DEFOE: I’m off to have a word with the Captain. Now remember, you must remain circumspect.

CELIA: Well, I don’t think it’s reversible really.

DR DEFOE: I’ll see you later then, agent 0048C. (exits SL)

CELIA: (to audience) Isn’t it exciting? Me, a secret agent! But the pirate spies mustn’t suspect anything. So, if you hear anybody mention the word spies. I want you all to go, ssshh! Will you do that? Thanks.

Enter Robinson (SL)

ROBINSON: Hurry up mum, the ship’s about to set sail!

CELIA: Well, I hope it’s been fitted all round with bumpers.

Enter Dr Defoe (SL)

DR DEFOE: Just one more thing Mrs Crusoe. (whispers in her ear)

CELIA: You don’t say…you don’t say…you don’t say!

Enter Dr Defoe (SL)

ROBINSON: What was that all about, mum?

CELIA: I don’t know he didn’t say. I’m off to slip into something nautical son. (exits SL)

ROBINSON: I hope she doesn’t go overboard.

Enter Daisy at a run (SR) carrying a small wooden sample-box.

DAISY: I haven’t missed it, have I?

ROBINSON: That all depends on what it is, Miss?

DAISY: I’m trying to find father’s ship before it sails. Only he forgot to take his flora sample box, with him.

ROBINSON: Your father’s a margarine salesman?

DAISY: No, a botanist.

ROBINSON: Are you Dr Defoe’s daughter, by any chance?

DAISY: Yes. Have you seen him anywhere?

ROBINSON: He’s sailing with us to the Caribbean.

DAISY: I haven’t missed him, then?

ROBINSON: No, you’ve made it just in time.

DAISY: Thank goodness. I’m Daisy, by the way.

ROBINSON: (smitten) Pleased to meet you, Daisy. I’m Robinson Crusoe. The world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) I guess you’ve heard of me?

DAISY: No, sorry. (smitten) But you may enlighten me if you like.

ROBINSON: You’re really interested?

DAISY: Oh, yes! It must be very exciting, being a world-famous explorer.

ROBINSON: It certainly is. I don’t suppose you’d care to come to the Caribbean with us?

DAISY: I’d love to go anywhere with you.

ROBINSON: This could be my most exciting adventure, yet. This way Daisy. (offers an arm)

Exit Robinson and Daisy (SL)