Robinson Crusoe And The Pirates Version 2

Scene One

Bristol Docks

Music cue 1: Sailors. After song ends…Exit Sailors (USL)

Enter Billy (DSL)

Billy Hiya boys and girls! I’m Billy Crusoe, younger brother of the famous Robinson Crusoe. Although I’m not sure he’s as famous as he believes. Mum’s probably more famous for her Bristol’s…pies that is. She’s the head cook for the Scuppered Bosun public house, and invented the famous Bristol Belly Buster, meat and potato pie. I’m come to the docks, because mum’s sailing to France for some duty-free shopping, and she wants me to accompany her. I need to buy some snacks for the trip, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I was wondering if you’d all help me out. Will you? (response) Smashing. Now, before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, all aboard! So, if you hear anybody shout all aboard! I want you all to shout out, wait for us! As loud as you can and I’ll come running, okay? Now, don’t forget. (exits SL)

Music cue 2: Enter Celia Crusoe (SR) wheeling on a suitcase and singing.

Celia #All the nice girls love a sailor…# Oh, hello! Are you all waiting to embark? Me too. I’m just looking for a nice young sailor to take me up the gangplank. I’ve never done it before you see. Sailing that is. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Celia Crusoe, mother of Robinson Crusoe and a widow of this parish. My late husband was an able seaman. Although he wasn’t able at much else. But ten years ago he was tragically lost at sea. I’m not surprised he got lost though, ‘cos he was a hopeless navigator. When we were courting, it took him a month to navigate his hand to my knee. But I’m having to leave my old gran home alone because she’s bedridden. Yes, I’m still young enough to have a gran that’s alive. She spends all her time watching TV and loves In The Night Garden. They say we all revert to children again when we get to a certain age, don’t they? Anyway, her favourite character is Upsy Daisy.

SFX: Loud knocking.

Celia Calm down! It’s because she’s heard me mention Upsy Daisy. (cocks an ear) It’s suddenly gone very quiet. I wonder if she’s all right? (shouts) Upsy Daisy! She’s fine. Would you mind helping me look after her? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff. Just a bit of long-distance babysitting. Every time I say, I wonder if she’s all right? I want you all to shout, Upsy Daisy! If she knocks, then I’ll know she’s okay. Let’s have a go then. I wonder if she’s all right? (response)

SFX:Loud knocking.

Celia Well done everybody.

Enter Captain Codpiece (USL) behind her.

Captain Avaaast behind!

Celia (grabs her bum) It’s no bigger than anybody else’s! (turns) Oh hello, Admiral. I didn’t notice you hoving to behind me.

Captain I’m, Captain Codpiece.

Celia I thought I could smell something fishy. But I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform. And may I say what a smart uniform you’re wearing, Commander.

Captain I’m a Captain!

Celia Yes. (coyly) But there’s no telling how far you’d go, with the right woman behind you.

Captain If you were the woman right behind me, I’d go a long way. In the opposite direction. And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew, if you don’t mind.

Celia What do you take me for? (Captain whispers) How dare you! You sailors are all alike. Just because you see a slim attractive young woman, walking up and down the docks. You immediately jump to conclusions.

Captain Then what are you doing here?

Celia I’m waiting for my ship to come in.

Captain You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.

Celia I’m off to do a spot of duty-free shopping in Calais.

Captain What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?

Celia The Slack Girl.

Captain That’s my vessel. And I’m bound for the Caribbean, not Calais.

Celia But The Slack Girl always goes to Calais. Its crew have been clients of mine for years.

Captain So, you’re the source of my crew’s ailment.

Celia (snaps) I don’t know what you’re on about! If you must know, I’m landlady of The Boson’s Arms, which is frequently frequented by sailors.

Captain All right, there’s no need get crabby. (laughs) Sea…crabby? Get it?

Celia If that’s a sample of seafaring humour, then this show will sink like a stone.

Captain Just like my last ship. And the one before that, and the one before that, and…

Celia… How many ships have you had sink under you?

Captain Seven.

Celia Seven!? What happened to them?

Captain They all hit the harbour wall and sank.

Celia You mean, you’ve never made it out of harbour yet?

Captain No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.

Celia And what makes you think this time will be any different?

Captain I’ve hit the wall that many times, there’s nothing left of it.

Celia How come The Slack Girl doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore?

Captain They opened the channel tunnel.

Celia Never mind. I’ll just stock up on duty-free Caribbean rum instead.

Captain I’ll see you aboard then. (exits SR)

Enter Paperboy (SL)

Paperboy Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Blackbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard!

Celia Give me one of those papers. (takes paper and reads) How dreadful!

Paperboy That’s sixpence for the newspaper, Mrs.

Celia Sixpence! In that case, you can have it back.

Paperboy But you’ve read it now.

Celia So?

Paperboy So, you must still pay for it.

Celia Listen, sonny Jim.

Paperboy My name’s, not Jim. It’s Jack.

Celia All right then, sonny Jack. That paper’s already been read hasn’t it?

Paperboy Only by you.

Celia That’s irrelevant. I’m not buying second-hand newspapers. Now, sling your hook.

Paperboy (exiting) Extra! Read all about it! Paperboy mugged by old-age pensioner! (exits SR)

Celia Cheek! I must buy some sunscreen from Boots, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I wonder if you’d all help me out. Now, before a ship sails, somebody always shouts all aboard! So whenever you hear anybody shout, all aboard! I want you all to shout, wait for us! As loud as you can, and I’ll come running. Will you do that? Thanks. See you later then. (exits SL)

Music cue 3: Enter Robinson striding on (SR)

Robinson Hiya folks! I’m Robinson Crusoe the world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) No doubt you’ve all heard of me. I’m just off to explore the Caribbean, and I’m hoping to catch mum before she sets sail for France. To make sure she gets her luggage, all aboard.

Enter Celia at a run (USL) and Billy at a run (DSL) they clash into each other’s side and fall down, before getting to their feet.

Celia You clumsy oaf, Billy! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?

Billy It was you who got in my way, mum!

Celia I should have given you up at birth!

Billy (shocked) You don’t really mean that, do you mum?

Celia Of course not, son. (aside to audience) I did try, but nobody would have him.

Robinson You haven’t missed the boat, have you mum?

Celia (wryly) I think I missed it years ago. I’m having second thoughts about going, Robinson. I’m frightened in case we get hijacked by pirates.

Billy I always thought you had a soft spot for pirates, mum.

Celia Only if they look like Johnny Depp. Anyway, if the government didn’t tax life’s little luxuries so much. I wouldn’t have to go abroad to get me booze.

Billy With what you’re planning on bringing back from Calais, you could open an off licence.

Celia What a good idea, Billy.

Robinson So, that’s your little game is it?

Celia A girl must make a living somehow.

Billy But you’re not allowed to resell duty-free.

Celia I’m not reselling it duty-free. I’m charging full price. Anyway, I’m not going to Calais. The ferry’s been sold to a demolition expert, who’s sailing it to the Caribbean.

Robinson What’s the name of your ship, mum?

Celia The Slack Girl.

Robinson But that’s the ship I’m sailing on.

Billy It’ll be like a nice family holiday, then.

Enter Dr Defoe (SR)

Dr Defoe Pardon me, folks. But, do you know where I can find a ship called, The Slack Girl?

Billy That’s the ship we’re all sailing on.

Dr Defoe What a happy coincidence.

Celia Just stick with us, Sinbad.

Dr Defoe Thank you, but my name’s not Sinbad. It’s Defoe. Dr Daniel Defoe.

Robinson Are you the ship’s Doctor?

Dr Defoe No, I’m a botanist.

Celia Well, live and let live I always say.

Billy A Doctor botanist! Does that mean you look after sick plants?

Dr Defoe If need be.

Celia And why are you going to the Caribbean, Doctor?

Dr Defoe I’m going to in search of the legendary, man-eating Giant Stinkwort.

Billy Why are things that eat people, always called man-eaters and not woman-eaters?

Celia Maybe it’s because women have more sense, than to go near anything that looks even remotely dangerous.

Robinson (to Dr Defoe) I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world-famous explorer. (slaps his thigh) You’ve heard of me no doubt.

Dr Defoe No, I don’t think so.

Robinson Are you sure you haven’t heard of me? I’m a famous, celebrity explorer.

Dr Defoe I’m not really into celebrities, I’m afraid.

Celia And I’m his mother, Mrs Celia Crusoe.

Dr Defoe (gushing) Not, Celia Crusoe! the Inventor of the famous Bristol Belly Buster?

Celia The very same.

Robinson Would you like to hear all about my latest exciting adventure, Mr…?

Dr Defoe…No thanks. (to Celia) I’m a big fan of your Bristol’s, Mrs Crusoe.

Celia Come to my cabin later and I’ll let you have a little nibble. I’ve packed a couple of pies in my suitcase.

Dr Defoe I look forward to it.

Billy You might be biting off more than you can chew, Doctor Defoe.

Robinson I think it’s time we all got aboard ship.

Celia I’m not sure I want to go now.

Billy But you’ve always fancied a Caribbean cruise, mum.

Celia I know. But isn’t the Caribbean overrun with pirates?

Robinson Only in the movies, mum.

Celia All right then, I’ll go.

Enter Captain (SR)

Captain All aboard! (response) We’ll never fit all you lot aboard!

Billy (to audience) You’ll just have to catch the next ship.

Robinson I’m looking forward to sailing with you, Captain Codpiece.

Captain Are you the ship’s new lookout?

Robinson No. I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) Surely, you’ve heard of me. You being a seafaring man.

Captain No. I can’t say that I have.

Robinson But I’m famous the world over!

Captain That would explain why I’ve never heard of you.

Robinson What do you mean, Captain?

Captain I’ve never been abroad before.

Billy How can a ship’s Captain never have been abroad?

Celia The harbour wall kept on getting in the way.

Enter Sailor 1 (SR) he has one-leg and uses a crutch.

Captain What happened to your leg, sailor?

Sailor 1 I had it cut off, Captain.

Captain What on earth for?

Sailor 1 To give myself a better chance of playing Long John Silver in a Treasure Island panto.

Dr Defoe And did you get the part?

Sailor No, they changed their minds and did Cinderella instead. (exits SL)

Enter Sailor 2 (SR) he only has one arm.

Captain How did you lose your arm, sailor?

Sailor 2 I cut it off, Captain.

Billy Why did you cut off your own arm?

Sailor 2 I’ve always fancied sailing around the world, single-handed. (exits SL)

Robinson I must say you have a very dedicated crew, Captain.

Celia Dedicated!? If you ask me, they ought to be medicated.

Enter Swash and Buckle (SR) carrying a large cardboard box between them.

Captain (to Swash & Buckle) What’s in that box, sailors?

They set the box down.

Swash Bra’s, Cap’n

All (exclaim) Bra’s!

Buckle Amongst other stuff.

Captain Why are you taking bra’s aboard ship?

Swash You told us to Cap’n.

Captain Oh no, I didn’t!

Buckle I distinctly remember you asking us to fetch 42D cups, Cap’n.

Captain I asked you to fetch forty-two teacups!

Swash (brings out a huge bra) Sorry Cap’n, but these were the biggest we could find. Captain And what about the large sides of beef?

Buckle (brings out a pair of large underpants) I thought you said large-sized briefs.

Captain I don’t think I want to see the next item.

Dr Defoe What’s that then, Captain?

Captain A bag of shot.

Swash (to Buckle) I told you he said shot!

Captain Never mind. Just show these passengers to their cabins.

Buckle Which ones?

Captain (indicating Celia & Co) These ones.

Buckle No. I meant which cabins, Captain?

Captain The ones under the foredeck.

Billy It must be a big ship if it has four decks, mum.

Captain Perhaps you’d all like to sit at my table for supper, later.

Celia Well, I’m sure as heck not standing.

Captain I’ll see you all later then. (exits SL)

Swash (to Celia and Co) Follow us to your quarters.

Swash and Buckle pick up the box.

Robinson Coming mum?

Celia You two boys run along. I just want to take a lingering look at Bristol, before setting off.

Billy Okay mum.

Buckle This way.

Exit Swash and Buckle (SL) and Robinson and Billy follow.

Celia I shall miss dear old Bristol. (coughs roughly and wipes away a tear)

Dr Defoe Do I detect a tear in your eye, Mrs Crusoe?

Celia How very perceptive of you, Doctor.

Dr Defoe Is it because you’re getting all emotional?

Celia No, it’s because my gusset digs in something chronic whenever I cough.

Enter Paperboy (SR)

Paperboy Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Ship overrun at sea! Blackbeard strikes again! Fifty sailors go to the bottom! Extra! Extra! (to audience) I’m only an extra! (exits SL)

Celia I can’t go, now. The thought of being pillaged by pirates is setting me shingles off.

Dr Defoe I can guarantee your safety Mrs Crusoe. Providing that you do a little something for me in return. (winking, touching nose, etc)

Celia Have you some sort of tropical ailment, Doctor?

Dr Defoe No! But rest assured, everything will be all right. (winking, touching nose, etc)

Celia Is there something you want to tell me, Doctor?

Dr Defoe Yes, but only if you’re completely circumspect.

Celia Well I was, the last time I looked.

Dr Defoe You mustn’t breathe a word of it to anyone.

Celia I’ll be like a Trappist Monk with laryngitis. Now, whisper it in my ear. (he does and she repeats it loudly) You’re a secret agent on a mission to capture Blackbeard! You’re hoping to trap him when he attacks the ship! Attacks the ship! (laughs hysterically)

Dr Defoe Why are you laughing? This is a very serious matter!

Celia (waggles finger in her ear) Sorry, you were tickling my ear.

Dr Defoe If my mission is to succeed, I will need your help. Now, listen closely.

Celia (he whispers and she repeats it loudly) Everything must look normal! The pirates mustn’t suspect a thing! One of them may already be aboard ship and you want me to become a spy! A snoop on the poop?

Dr Defoe Yes. Now, will you do it?

Celia Are you kidding? Snooping’s my favourite hobby.

Dr Defoe Excellent.

Celia So, what’s my secret agent number then?

Dr Defoe Number?

Celia Yes, you know. Like James Bond.

Dr Defoe Oh, you mean 007?

Celia Yes, only I’d like something a bit more appropriate. (pushes her chest out)

Dr Defoe (looks at her chest) How about 0048C?

Celia Perfect!

Dr Defoe I’m off to have a word with the Captain. Now remember, you must remain circumspect.

Celia Well I don’t think it’s reversible, really.

Dr Defoe I’ll see you later then, agent 0048C. (exits SL)

Celia (to audience) Oh, isn’t it exciting? Me, a secret agent! But the pirate spies mustn’t suspect a thing. So, if you hear anybody mention the word spies. I want you all to go, ssshh! Will you do that? Thanks.

Enter Robinson (SL)

Robinson Hurry up mum, the ship’s about to sail!

Celia Well, I hope it’s been fitted with bumpers.

Enter Dr Defoe (SL)

Dr Defoe Just one more thing Mrs Crusoe. (whispers in her ear)

Celia You don’t say…you don’t say…you don’t say!

Enter Dr Defoe (SL)

Robinson What was that all about, mum?

Celia I don’t know, he didn’t say. I’m off aboard to slip into something nautical. (exits SL)

Robinson Knowing mum, whatever she wears will be overboard.

Enter Daisy at a run (SR) carrying a small wooden sample-box.

Daisy I haven’t missed it, have I?

Robinson That all depends on what it is, Miss?

Daisy I’m trying to find father’s ship before it sails. Only he forgot to take his flora sample box, with him.

Robinson Your father’s a margarine salesman?

Daisy No, a botanist.

Robinson Are you Dr Defoe’s daughter, by any chance?

Daisy Yes. Do you know him?

Robinson Yes. He’s sailing with us to the Caribbean.

Daisy I haven’t missed him, then?

Robinson No, you’ve made it just in time.

Daisy Oh, good. I’m Daisy, by the way.

Robinson (smitten) Pleased to meet you, Daisy. I’m Robinson Crusoe. The world-famous explorer. (slaps thigh) I guess you’ve heard of me?

Daisy No, sorry. (smitten) But you may enlighten me if you like.

Robinson You’re really interested?

Daisy Oh, yes! It must be very exciting, being a world-famous explorer.

Robinson It certainly is. I don’t suppose you’d care to come to the Caribbean with us?

Daisy I’d love to go anywhere with you.

Robinson Gosh! This could be my most exciting adventure, yet. This way Daisy. (takes her by the arm and they exit SL)