SCENE ONE
SHERWOOD VILLAGE
Chorus are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Chester [SR]
CHESTER: Come along, you lot, clear off before Prince John arrives! You know how he hates to see the place being cluttered up with poor people!
CHORUS 1: We wouldn’t be poor if he didn’t keep taxing us so much.
CHORUS 2: I dread to think what would happen if he ever became King.
CHORUS 3: And the Sheriff is just as bad.
CHESTER: The Sheriff is only carrying out orders. Deep down, he loves poor people.
CHORUS 4: Yes, Chester, he loves jailing them!
CHORUS 5: Torturing them!
CHORUS 1: Stealing their money!
CHORUS 2: And burning down their homes!
CHORUS 3: He’s just a nasty big bully!
CHESTER: Nonsense! He’s just misunderstood, that’s all.
CHORUS 4: And you’re just as bad, for working for him, Chester!
CHORUS 5: Let’s go, everybody.
Exit Chorus [SR]
CHESTER: [to audience] I hate working for the Sheriff, really, but I can’t let on or I might end up…[finger across neck]…keek! But being forced to work for him stresses me out, and I constantly need cheering up. So, whenever I shout, ‘Chester’s stressed’, I want you all to shout, ‘cheer up, Chester’! Okay? Let’s have a practice. [exits and re-enters] Chester’s stressed! I’m more stressed than that! Let’s do it again. [repeats] That was much better!
Music cue 2: Enter Sheriff [SL]
CHESTER: Sheriff!
SHERIFF: Who were you talking to just now, Chester?
CHESTER: I was just telling everybody what a wonderful person you are, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: It’s true, I am. Have you composed my love poem for Lady Marion yet?
CHESTER: I’m still working on it, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: Well, hurry up about it! And don’t forget to mention my huge…attributes.
CHESTER: But, Sheriff, Lady Marion is just an innocent young girl.
SHERIFF: [winking and nudging] Yes, but not for long, eh?
CHESTER: Is there something in your eye, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: No, there isn’t! You must compare me to a famous film star.
CHESTER: [aside] Frankenstein.
SHERIFF: With the grace of a dancer.
CHESTER: [aside] A dancing elephant.
SHERIFF: And the strength of a huge stag.
CHESTER: [aside] The strength of a used teabag.
SHERIFF: Marion’s loaded, and once we’re wed, I’ll get my hands on her assets.
CHESTER: I think that goes without saying. [nudging and winking] Eh, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: I meant her money! The other stuff’s a bonus.
CHESTER: And nobody deserves it more than you, Sire.
SHERIFF: Yes, I know. The poem must express my undying lust…I mean…love.
CHESTER: Understood, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: My guards will be here shortly to collect taxes from those lazy, good-for-nothing peasants. They’re on the, pay or you burn scheme.
CHESTER: Don’t you mean, pay as you earn, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: No, pay or you burn. If they don’t pay up, I burn down their homes.
CHESTER: Isn’t that a bit nasty, even for you, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Nothing’s too nasty for me! My only problem is that thieving outlaw, Robin Hood. The peasants treat him like some kind of hero; but I’ll soon rid myself of him. Now, go and woo Lady Marion for me!
CHESTER: Consider her well and truly wooed, Sheriff. [exits SR]
SHERIFF: And if that doesn’t work, I might be forced to use witchcraft. [evil laugh] You can’t beat a bit of good old-fashioned evil. [to audience] Boo all you want, because I’ve just introduced a new booing tax, which is payable in full at the end of this show. [exits SR]
Enter Marion and Molly [SL]
MOLLY: Is something wrong, Lady Marion? You’re not your usual jolly self today.
MARION: I have a horrible feeling the Sheriff fancies me, Molly.
MOLLY: That decrepit old fossil?
MARION: Yes, and with my guardian King Richard away abroad, who will protect me from his unwelcome advances?
MOLLY: I will protect you with my life, my lady. [swishes her sword]
MARION: Thanks, Molly, but not even somebody with your sword skills can take on the Sheriff and all his guards. If only my dear mother were still alive.
MOLLY: [elicits audience sympathy] Aaaah!
MARION: I miss the way she used to cuddle me tight and whisper sweet words in my ear. [sighs] I can still hear her voice now.
NURSIE: [off] Move yourself, you lazy pile of old bones!
MOLLY: That sounds nothing like your mum!
Enter Nursie [SR] walking backwards and pulling on a rope.
NURSIE: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Nurse bedpan and whenever I say, ‘hello, boys and girls’, just reply ‘hello, Nursie’, and we’ll get along fine. This is your last warning, Neddy! Now, move! [pulls rope, it breaks and she falls over]
MARION: [helping Nursie up] Are you all right?
NURSIE: Yes, but I think I’ve bent my stethoscope. I’m Nurse bedpan, who are you?
MOLLY: I’m Molly, and this is Lady Marion.
NURSIE: A lady! [curtsying] One is pleased to meet one, your poshship!
MARION: How do you do, Nurse Bedpan?
NURSIE: Call me, Nursie, everybody does, apart from certain gentlemen friends.
MOLLY: And what do they call you?
NURSIE: After eight, but that’s another story and not one for a family audience.
