SCENE ONE
OLD BRISTOL TOWN
A chip shop front is [SR] Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Music cue 2: Enter Sissy [SL] carrying a big box of porridge oats.
SISSY: Hello, everybody! Okay, let’s see who’s letting the side down. Hello, to all the girls! Hello, to all the boys! It’s the men as usual. They’re always a let-down, eh, girls? I’m Sissy Smee, a ship cleaner. I said, ‘ship’ cleaner, cloth ears! I live above that chip shop with my son, Billy, who’s a chip off the old block. His lazy father’s, that is. Sadly, his father is no longer with us. No, he’s not dead; he just left. He was a sailor who dropped anchor for a bit, and once he got it, he upped anchor and sailed away, leaving Billy in the cargo hold. Now, I want to make sure you’re all having a good time, so whenever I ask, ‘how are you all’? If you’re happy, shout, ‘smashing Sissy’! If not, tough luck, we don’t do refunds. Do you like the frock? It’s an Armani original. Salvation Armani! [laughs] Only joking. It cost me a fortune, really. I bought it on buy now pay later. It’s amazing how quick later comes around, isn’t it?
Enter Squire [USR] he moves behind Sissy.
SQUIRE: Good morning, Sissy!
SISSY: [jumps] Squire Pocket, you surprised me from behind, you naughty man!
SQUIRE: In your dreams, dear.
SISSY: Speaking of dreams. Last night I dreamt I was eating the world’s largest marshmallow.
SQUIRE: Let me guess; you woke up to find your pillow was gone. [laughs]
SISSY: Don’t talk daft, only half of it was gone, I couldn’t manage the whole
marshmallow.
SQUIRE: [pointing at box] Porridge for breakfast, is it, Sissy?
SISSY: Yes, I was going to have cornflakes, but I fancied something hot inside me
this morning, and its ages since I’ve had any oats.
SQUIRE: I’m not surprised.
SISSY: What do you mean?
SQUIRE: Well, they take ages to cook, don’t they?
SISSY: Does your wife make you porridge?
SQUIRE: I’m a widower.
SISSY: How did your poor wife die?
SQUIRE: She was killed by a bear.
SISSY: Grizzly?
SQUIRE: Well, it wasn’t a pretty sight.
SISSY: When did you last have any oats, Squire?
SQUIRE: Not since my wife died.
SISSY: Why don’t you come inside and I’ll let you have some. [hoists bosom]
SQUIRE: No thanks, I’ve already eaten.
SISSY: Who mentioned food?
SQUIRE: Well, I really must be going, Sissy.
SISSY: Where are you off to?
SQUIRE: To Bristol Docks to get my ship ready to sail.
SISSY: Going anywhere nice?
SQUIRE: I’m off to the Caribbean to pick up a cargo of Jamaican Rum.
SQUIRE: I’ve often dreamed about going to the Caribbean.
SQUIRE: You’re a ship cleaner, aren’t you, Sissy?
SISSY: You got it right this time. Yes, Squire, but I’ve never touched your poop-deck.
SQUIRE: That might all be about to change.
SISSY: Oh, Squire, I didn’t know you cared! Where and when?
SQUIRE: Bristol Docks, lunchtime.
SISSY: Why go all the way to Bristol Docks for it? [hoists bosom]
SQUIRE: Because that’s where my ship is?
SISSY: On land or at sea, you’ll find I’ll rock your boat.
SQUIRE: I don’t want it rocking, I want it cleaning!
SISSY: You want me to clean your ship!?
SQUIRE: Yes, my usual cleaner has let me down. Do you think you could fit me in?
SISSY: I think I could manage that. What’s the name of your ship?
SQUIRE: The Saucy Sue.
SISSY: I’ll just get my cleaning gear and come with you.
SQUIRE: What about your oats?
SISSY: I’ll have them later. [aside] With any luck.
SQUIRE: Never work on an empty stomach, Sissy. I’ll see you at the docks. [exits SL]
SISSY: I’m looking forward to buffing the Squire’s bulwarks.
Enter Billy [SR] yawning and stretching.
BILLY: Morning, Mum.
SISSY: Don’t tell me you’ve only just got up, Billy.
BILLY: Yes, Mum. I was trapped in this terrible nightmare, where the grim reaper
was coming for me, and I was beating him off with a vacuum cleaner.
SISSY: Talk about Dyson with death! [laughs to audience] Dyson with death? I can see it’s going to be a long night.
BILLY: Only if we have more rubbish jokes like that.
SISSY: We do, Billy, believe me. You’re turning out lazier than your useless father.
BILLY: I’m not lazy, Mum, I’m just on eco-mode, that’s all.
SISSY: What are you talking about now?
BILLY: Environmentalists say we must all cut down on our energy use, so I’m just doing my bit. I’m also trying to reduce my carbon footprint by recycling.
SISSY: Recycling what?
BILLY: Old panto jokes mostly.
SISSY: Why you can’t find yourself a nice job, Billy?
BILLY: The job centre never seem to have what I’m after, Mum.
SISSY: And what’s that, exactly?
BILLY: Gaslamp lighter.
SISSY: Gas lamps went out in Victorian times, Billy!
BILLY: Is that why they called it the dark ages?
SISSY: [to audience] His lights are on, but there’s nobody at home.
BILLY: Are you making porridge, Mum?
SISSY: Yes, Billy.
BILLY: Would you mind making me some?
SISSY: What did your last slave die of?
BILLY: Don’t I get any oats then?
SISSY: No, and I doubt you ever will. [exits SR]
BILLY: That’s not very nice, is it, boys and girls? Are any of your mums mean like her? I think some of you are in big trouble later. I’ve always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot—too cold—and just right, all at the same time? And then I remembered Pop Tarts. [holds his tummy] I’m starving! I wonder how I can persuade Mum to make me some porridge. I know I’ll put on my sad puppy eyes. Nobody can resist sad puppy eyes now, can they? I’ll see you all later. [exits SR]
