THE GOLDEN GARTER SALOON
Candy Barr stands behind bar. Music cue 2: Customers. After song ends…Customers can leave, stand around and/or sit at tables. There are saloon doors [SR & SL] through which actors enter and exit.
Enter The Milky Bar Kid [SR]
M.B.K: Hiya folks! Welcome to the town of Silver Creek. We’ve got one store, one saloon and a blacksmith, who is also the vet and dentist all rolled into one. Last week he got confused and ended up shoeing the Sheriff, worming the Mayor, and fitting dental braces on a horse. My name is Aloysius, but everybody calls me The Milky Bar Kid, on account of my liking for the white stuff. So, every time I come on and shout, hiya folks! I want you all to shout back, it’s The Milky Bar Kid! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. [exits and re-enters] Hiya folks! The Milky Bars are on me! [distributes Milky Bars, then goes to bar] Set ‘em up Candy, the drinks are on me.
CANDY: Sure thing Kid. The usual for you?
M.B.K: Yeah, and make it a double this time.
CANDY: What’s the celebration, Kid?
M.B.K: My rich Aunt Calamity Jane from England is arriving on the next stagecoach, and I’m expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old gal.
CANDY: English folks usually have rich American relatives. Not the other ways round.
M.B.K: Well, not in my case Candy. I can never seem to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamt of it, gambled for it. I’ve even begged for it.
OLD TIMER: Have you ever tried working for it? [turns hocks, and spits SL]
SFX: Ding sound.
M.B.K: Ugggh! You said the W word.
CANDY: How ya gonna pay for all these drinks, Kid?
M.B.K: Don’t worry Candy, my Aunt Clam will pick up the tab.
CANDY: You’d better hope so Kid, or you’ll need picking up off the floor.
M.B.K: Listen to this telegram she sent me. [produces telegram] Dear Aloysius…
OLD TIMER: [laughs] Aloysius! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy? [hocks and spits]
SFX: Ding sound.
M.B.K: Shucks, I ain’t no rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy.
CANDY: [passing him a glass of milk] Here’s your milk, Kid.
CUSTOMER 1: No, you’re more of a dairy cowboy. [laughs]
CUSTOMER 2: How come you don’t like booze, Kid?
M.B.K: It gives me wind and the froth gets up me nose. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll just finish reading my telegram. Dear Al…nephew. Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage…stop. Looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you…stop. Your loving aunt, Calamity Jane. What did I tell you? She’s loaded and wants to share it all with me.
Enter Angelina and Jolie [SL] Angelina wears a bandana on her face.
CUSTOMER 3: It’s the Pitt Gang!
ANGELINA: Everybody, reach! [customers feign barfing] I said reach, not retch!
JOLIE: Maybe they really are sick, Angelina.
CUSTOMER 4: Yeah! Sick of bein’ robbed!
SHERIFF: If you ask me, you gals are headin’ fer a heap’a trouble. Take my advice and clear out while you still can.
ANGELINA: [threatening] When we want your advice Sheriff, we’ll ask for it!
SHERIFF: [scared] Okay then, just let me know when you want it. [sits]
CANDY: Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Pass me some cheese an’ I’ll tell ya.
ANGELINA: Everybody, hand over your wallets!
OLD TIMER: Get lost! [hocks and spits]
SFX: Ding sound.
ANGELINA: Show ‘em that we mean business, Jolie.
JOLIE: All right, you’ve asked for this. [draws a banana and points it]
CANDY: [laughs] She’s totin’ a banana!
JOLIE: Yeah an’ I ain’t afraid to use it.
ANGELINA: [lowers her bandana] Why on earth did you bring a banana to a hold up?
JOLIE: You told me to.
ANGELINA: Oh no, I didn’t!
JOLIE: Oh yes, you did. I distinctly heard you say, bring a banana.
ANGELINA: No, you idiot! I said bring a bandana!
JOLIE: What’s a bandana?
ANGELINA: [shows her bandana] This is a bandana!
JOLIE: Well, it sounded like banana to me.
gun] Stop laughing and hand over your cash! We ain’t got all day!
JOLIE: Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.
M.B.K: Let me guess. You’re gonna hold up the bank with a mango!
ANGELINA: That’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so fulla lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! [pulls trigger – gun clicks] What’s wrong with this thing? [checks bullet chamber] Where are the bullets?
JOLIE: I took them out to clean them.
ANGELINA: What for?
JOLIE: They were real dirty.
ANGELINA: So, what?
JOLIE: So, if you shot anybody they might get a nasty infection.
ANGELINA: Well, once I’ve put those nice shiny bullets back in my gun. The first person I’m gonna shoot, is you!
JOLIE: Owherrr! [exits at a run SR]
ANGELINA: Come back here you idiot! [exits after Jolie]
CALAMITY: [off] Mind where you’re poking that banana! [enters SR carrying a pile of luggage, which hides her face] Some people weren’t born with manners!