Panto On The Prairie (Perusal)

Scene One

The Golden Garter Saloon

Candy Barr stands behind bar watching customers sing and dance. Music cue 2: Customers. After song ends…Some customers can exit and others can sit at tables.

The Milky Bar Kid enters through saloon door (USR)

M.B.K
(to audience) Hiya folks! Welcome to the town of Silver Creek. We’ve got one shop, one saloon and a blacksmith, who is also the vet, barber and dentist all rolled into one. Last week he got a bit confused and ended up shoeing the Mayor, worming the Vicar and fitting dental braces on a horse. Now my name is Aloysius, but everybody calls me ‘The Milky-Bar Kid’ on account of my liking for the white stuff. So every time I come on and shout ‘Hiya folks’! I want you all to shout back ‘It’s The Milky-Bar Kid’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Great. Let’s have a practice then. (exits then re-enters) Hiya folks! (repeat until happy with the response – then throw out some small chocolate Milky Bars) Thanks! (goes over to bar) Set ‘em up Candy, the drinks are on me!

Candy
Sure thing kid. The usual fer ya?

M.B.K
(talking tough) Yeah and make it a double this time.

Customer
What’s the celebration, kid?

M.B.K
My rich aunt from England is arriving on the next stagecoach, and I’m expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old gal.

Candy
I always thought people from England had rich American relatives, not the other ways round.

M.B.K
Well not in my case. I never seem to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamed of it, asked for it, gambled for it. I’ve even begged for it.

Old Timer
Have you ever you tried working for it? (hoikes and spits in direction of wing SL)

SFX: Ding sound of spit hitting a spittoon.

M.B.K
Ugggh! You said the ‘W’ word.

Candy
How ya gonna pay for all these drinks, kid?

M.B.K
Don’t worry Candy, Aunt Calamity will pick up my tab.

Candy
(warning him) Well if she don’t, you’ll need somebody to pick you up.

M.B.K
Listen to this telegram she sent me. (takes out a telegram and reads) Dear Aloysius…

All fall about laughing.

Old Timer
‘Aloysius’! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting-tooting-shooting cowboy? (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

SFX: Ding sound.

M.B.K
(bashful) Shucks, I ain’t no rough, tough, rooting-tooting-shooting cowboy?

Candy
(passes him a glass of milk) Here’s your milk, kid.

Customer
No, you’re more of a ‘dairy-cow’ boy!

All fall about, laughing.

Candy
How come you don’t like booze, kid?

M.B.K
It gives me wind and the froth gets up me nose. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll finish reading my telegram. (reading) Dear Al…nephew. Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage–stop–looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you–stop–your loving aunt, Calamity Jane. What did I tell you, she’s loaded with cash and can’t wait to offload it to me.

Angelina and Jolie burst through the saloon doors (SL) Angelina wears a bandana over her face.

Customer
(exclaims in fright) It’s the Pitt Gang!

Angelina
Okay, everybody reach! (customers feign barfing) I said ‘reach’, not retch!

Jolie
(concerned) Maybe they really are sick, Angelina.

Customer
Yeah, sick of bein’ robbed!

Sheriff
(stands up to the robbers) If you ask me, you gals are headin’ fer a heap’a trouble. So take my advice and clear out while you still can.

Angelina
(snaps) When we want your advice Sheriff, we’ll ask fer it!

Sheriff
(scared) Okay, just let me know when you want it. (moves back or sits)

Candy
Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?

Sheriff
That reminds me Candy, where’s that cheese sandwich I ordered?

Angelina
Everybody hand over your wallets!

Old Timer
Get lost! (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

SFX: Ding sound.

Angelina
Show ‘em we mean business, Jolie.

Jolie
(to Customers) Right, you’ve asked for this. (draws a banana out of her holster and points it at them)

Candy
(laughs) She’s totin’ a banana!

Jolie
Yeah an’ I ain’t afraid to use it.

Angelina
(lowers her bandana) Why on earth did you bring a banana to a hold up?

Jolie
You told me to.

Angelina
No I didn’t!

Jolie
Yes, you did. I distinctly heard you say, ‘bring a banana’.

Angelina
I said bring a ‘bandanna’ you idiot!

Jolie
(realising) Ooops!

All laugh.

Angelina
(pulls out her gun and points it around) Stop laughing and hand over your cash! We ain’t got all day!

Jolie
Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.

M.B.K
Let me guess. You’re going to hold up the bank with a mango.

All laugh.

Angelina
Right, that’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so full of lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! (pulls trigger – gun clicks – tries again) What’s the matter with this thing? (Jolie whispers to her) What do you mean you took the bullets out to clean them?

Jolie
Well they were dirty.

Angelina
So!?

Jolie
So if you shot anybody, they might get a nasty infection.

Angelina
Well as soon as I’ve put those nice shiny bullets back in my gun. The first person I’m gonna shoot, is you!

Jolie
(scared) Owherrr!

Jolie runs off with Angelina in hot pursuit and all fall about laughing.

Calamity
(off) ‘Ere! Mind where you’re poking that big banana! (bursts through the Saloon door carrying a pile of luggage, which hides her face) Some people weren’t born with manners!

Old Timer
You’re telling me. (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

SFX: Ding sound.

Calamity
Now, where’s that nephew of mine?

M.B.K
Aunt Calamity?

Calamity
Is that you Aloysius?

M.B.K
Yes, auntie.

Calamity
Come here nephew, I have something substantial to give you.

M.B.K
(to others) I told you she was loaded, didn’t I? (to Calamity) Coming auntie!

Calamity
I sure am. And I’m going to hand it all to you.

M.B.K
(holds out his arms) Ready when you are auntie.

Calamity
Here you are then. (unloads all her luggage onto him)

When the customers see Calamity they all cringe at her looks.

Customers
Ugggh!

Sheriff
What an ugly lookin’ critter!

Old Timer
The last time I saw a face twisted up as bad as that, was on a constipated mule.

M.B.K’s leg start to buckle under the weight.

M.B.K
(confused) Is this all you have for me, auntie?

Calamity
No there’s my handbag as well. (puts handbag on top of the pile)

M.B.K’s legs slowly start to give way.

SFX: Creaking sound.

M.B.K collapses under the weight and then scrambles to his feet.

Calamity
What a journey it’s been. After ten miles he stage’s suspension went after. (rubbing her bottom) And twenty miles later, mine went. And to top it all, we were ambushed by hordes of screaming Indians.

Customer
Sioux?

Calamity
Darn right I’ll sue. I’ll take ‘em for every penny they’ve got.

M.B.K
At least you’re okay, auntie.

Calamity
Yes, but I’m still very distraught. I’ve heard stories of how those lust-crazed braves, drag genteel women like myself off to their tepee’s, to satisfy their primitive urges.

M.B.K
But they didn’t touch you, auntie.

Calamity
I know! Why do you think I’m so distraught? Now there’s something I need to discuss with you, nephew.

M.B.K
Does it involve money?

Calamity
As a matter of fact, it does.

M.B.K
I knew it! (rubs his hands expectantly) How much, auntie?

Calamity
Five dollars.

M.B.K
(disappointed) Five dollars?

Calamity
Yes, only I have to pay the stagecoach driver and I’m flat bust.

Old Timer
(staring at her large chest) Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

M.B.K
You want ‘me’ to lend ‘you’ five dollars?

Calamity
Just until I get on my feet again.

M.B.K
You mean, you aren’t rich?

Calamity
Me! Rich? That’s a laugh. I had to sell everything I owned in order to buy a third-class ticket, aboard a tramp steamer to Boston. (elicit audience sympathy) And I had to stoke the boiler all the way here, in order to pay for my meals. (elicit audience sympathy) And when I say ‘meals’ it was only a bowl of watery soup, with two lumps of coal thrown in for roughage. (laughs) I’m only joking. (to audience) Do you really believe they gave me two lumps of coal in a bowl of watery soup to eat? No…it was only one lump.

M.B.K
But what about your letters telling me about your stately home in the country? What was your estate called again? Oh yes…‘Yorkshire’.

Calamity
Well I might’ve exaggerated a little. But your father was always bragging about how many goldmines he owned. And I didn’t want to seem like a poor relative.

M.B.K
Dad didn’t own any goldmines!

Calamity
He didn’t?

M.B.K
No!

Calamity
Why the two-faced, lying, low-down, no good, bragger!

Old Timer
It obviously runs in the family. (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

SFX: Ding sound.

Calamity
So, what does he do then?

M.B.K
He doesn’t do anything.

Calamity
You mean he’s on the dole?

M.B.K
No, he’s underground.

Calamity
So, he does own a goldmine after all! I knew you were only teasing me. Where is he then?

Candy
He’s underneath your very feet.

Calamity
You mean, his goldmine runs right underneath the saloon? Oh, let me see if I can hear him. (puts her ear to the floor) I can’t hear a thing. I’ll try shouting him. (shouts to floor) Hello Albert! It’s me, Calamity Jane!

Old Timer
You’ll have to shout louder than that.

Calamity
Why, is he a little deaf?

Candy
No, he’s a little dead.

Calamity
(stands in horror) What do you mean, ‘dead’?

Candy
You tell me your definition of dead, and we’ll see if it matches mine.

Calamity
But you said he was ‘underneath my very feet’!

Candy
He is. He spent that much time in here, he asked for his ashes to be buried under the floorboards when he died.

Calamity
(sniffs emotionally) Oh, my poor one and only brother – gone. Music cue 3:

M.B.K
But I thought you had three brothers, auntie.

Calamity
Yes, but he was the only ‘poor’ one. What did he die of?

M.B.K
Alcohol.

Calamity
You mean he drank himself to death?

M.B.K
No, a brewery wagon fell on top of him.

Calamity
Poor Albert. Still, at least I have the comfort of knowing he died a quick death.

Old Timer
He didn’t. He was trapped by the legs and took hours to die.

Calamity
Hours! How come no one dragged him out from underneath the wagon?

Sheriff
‘Cos he pulled his gun and wouldn’t let anyone near him, ‘til he’d lapped up all the spilt whiskey.

SFX: Gunshots and general commotion.

A Cowboy/Girl runs on (SR)

Cowboy/Girl
Sheriff, come quick! The ‘Hole In The Wall’ gang are shootin’ up the town!

Sheriff
Actually, I think I left the jailhouse door open. I’d better go check. (exits SL)

Calamity
Well? Isn’t anybody going to sort out those ruffians?

M.B.K
No point in annoying them auntie, they might take offence.

Calamity
Well if you lot won’t, then I will. (starts to exit)

Customer
Would you like to borrow ma gun, ma’am?

Calamity
(turns) Listen mate, I was brought up on…(local rough area) It’ll take more than a bunch of outlaws waving their weapons about, to frighten me. (exits SR)

M.B.K
This, I must see.

Old Timer
Me too.

All exit (SR)

Mexican Bandits, El Gwapo, Manuela and Dolores enter through a saloon door (USL) shooting their guns, whooping and hollering.

Bandits
Aribba-arriba! Undelay-undelay! Eeeha!

El Gwapo
Hang up the piñata’s, break out the tortilla chips and open a barrel of tequila! El Gwapo and hees gang are back in town and ready to party! Music cue 4: (Bandits do a short burst of inept Mexican dancing)

Dolores
(looks around the empty saloon) Where is everybody?

Manuela
I said we should have gone to Las Vegas instead of this one-horse town.

Dolores
This ain’t no one horse town, stoopid!

Manuela
What makes you say that?

Dolores
Well, we’ve left all our horses outside for a start.

Manuela
Shut up, you silly mare.

El Gwapo
Speaking of silly mares, where’s Julio?

Dolores
He was still getting changed when we left the hideout.

Julio enters (USL) dressed as Jack Sparrow from ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’

Julio
(sweetly) Sorry I’m late, only I’ve had a bit of trouble with these hair braids. (the others stare at him gobsmacked) Why are you all staring at me like that? Has my guy-liner run?

El Gwapo
Why are you dressed as a Pirate?

Julio
How else should I dress for ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’?

Dolores
This isn’t Pirates Of The Caribbean!

Julio
Isn’t it?

Al Others
No!

Julio
Are you sure?

All Others
Yes!

Manuela
This is ‘Panto On The Prairie’! Pirates Of The Caribbean is next year, you dork!

Julio
But I’ve been up all night learning my lines for Pirates Of The Caribbean. I don’t know the lines for ‘Panto On The Prairie’!

Dolores
You’ll just have to use a script. (all Bandits turn and look to SL) Excuse me, but could we have a script please?

A script is thrown onstage (SL)

Julio
Cheers! (picks up script and turns the pages) Which page are we on?

Manuela
Page seven, halfway down.

Julio
(turns several pages) Okay, I’ve found it (reads script and laughs) This is very funny.

El Gwapo
Are you sure you’ve got the right script?

Julio
Yes and I wish I’d learnt it now. So, we’re all Mexican bandits?

Bandits
Si! Music cue 5: (Bandits do a short burst of inept Mexican dancing)

Julio
And which one am I playing?

Dolores
You’re playing the camp one.

Julio
(complains) How come I always get to play the camp one?

Manuela
Because you’re already in character.

Julio
(stands with hand on hip) I don’t know what you mean. So, what do we do then?

Dolores
We’re mercenaries.

Julio
And what do we fight for?

El Gwapo
For El Presidente!

Dolores
For country!

Manuela
For liberty!

Julio
What about money?

El Gwapo
Five Pesos an hour.

Julio
And what do we stand for?

El Gwapo
We stand for Justice!

Dolores
For freedom!

Manuela
For old ladies on the bus!

El Gwapo
We stop at nothing!

Dolores
We fear nothing!

Manuela
We know nothing!

El Gwapo
We live by the gun!

Julio
That’s good.

Manuela
We die by the gun!

Julio
That’s bad.

Dolores
We live on our wits!

Julio
That lets you out then. And who do we work for?

El Gwapo
Anybody who pays us five Pesos an hour.

Julio
We have no scruples then?

Manuela
I don’t know about you, but I had mine out when I was a bambino.

Julio
(turns another page) It says here we join forces with Geronimo and…

All Others
Ssshhh!

Dolores
Don’t give the plot away!

Julio
Sorry. (turns another page) ‘Ere, have you seen what happens on page 23?

Manuela
Gimme that! (snatches script and throws it offstage)

(cries off) Aaahh! My eye!

Dolores
(looks to wing) I think we need a new prompt.

Julio
What are we going to do now?

Manuela
Well we all know our lines.

There is a short pause.

El Gwapo
(hisses to Julio) It’s your line next.

Julio
Is it?

All Others
Yes!

Julio
Oh, right. (pirate voice) The cannibals have us surrounded Squire, what’ll we do?

Manuela
Wrong panto!

Julio
You’re the one who chucked the script away!

El Gwapo
Forget the script!

Dolores
(dryly) Everyody else will.

El Gwapo
(exasperated) Let’s just go and see what job Geronimo wants us to do. (leads them all off USL)

Calamity and the others return through saloon door (USR)

Calamity
(dusting her hands) I don’t think they’ll bother us again in a hurry.

Candy
I’d never have believed, it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes.

M.B.K
As soon as Aunt Calamity showed her face. They all turned tail and ran away.

Old Timer
I don’t blame ‘em.

Calamity
All bully’s just need a firm hand. Now if you’ll show me to my room, I’d like to get changed. By the way, what’s the nightlife like around here?

Old Timer
Snakes and scorpions mostly.

Calamity
What about the food?

Old Timer
Same. Snakes and scorpions mostly.

Calamity
I can’t eat that. I prefer good old Yorkshire grub.

Candy
Like what?

Calamity
Tripe’n’onions, black pudding and pigs trotters.

All make barfing sounds and hold their mouths.

Candy
(calls to Wing) Come on in girls, and tell this limey what sorta food we have in the good ol’ US of A.

Young Girls enter dressed in fast food restaurant-style outfits.

Candy and Calamity move behind bar and the others move upstage or to wings and watch the routine. Music cue 6: Young Girls. After songs ends…

Calamity
You can keep all your fast food. Give me a chippy any day. (exits)

All laugh.