Scene One
The Golden Garter Saloon
Candy Barr stands behind bar. Music cue 2: Customers. After song ends…Some customers exit and others sit at tables. There are saloon doors (USR & USL) The Milky Bar Kid enters through saloon door (USR)
M.B.K (to audience) Hiya folks! Welcome to the town of Silver Creek. We’ve got one shop, one saloon and a blacksmith. Who is also the vet, barber and dentist all rolled into one. Last week he got a bit confused and ended up shoeing the Mayor, worming the Vicar and fitting dental braces on a horse. Now my name is Aloysius, but everybody calls me The Milky-Bar Kid, on account of my liking for the white stuff. So every time I come on and shout, hiya folks! I want you all to shout back, it’s The Milky-Bar Kid! Will you do that? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (repeat until happy) Here you go! (throws out small Milky Bars, and then goes up to the bar) Set ‘em up Candy, the drinks are on me!
Candy Sure thing kid. The usual fer ya?
M.B.K Yeah and make it a double this time.
Customer What’s the celebration, kid?
M.B.K My rich aunt from England is arriving on the next stagecoach, and I’m expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old gal.
Candy I always thought people from England had rich American relatives. Not the other ways round.
M.B.K Well not in my case. I never seem to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamed of it, asked for it, gambled for it. I’ve even begged for it.
Old Timer Have you ever you tried working for it? (hoikes and spits towards wing SL)
SFX: Ding sound of spit hitting a spittoon.
M.B.K Ugggh! You said the ‘W’ word.
Candy How ya gonna pay for all these drinks, kid?
M.B.K Don’t worry Candy. Aunt Calamity will pick up my tab.
Candy Well if she don’t, you’ll need somebody to pick you up.
M.B.K Listen to this telegram she sent me. (takes out a telegram) Dear Aloysius…
Customers fall about laughing.
Old Timer Aloysius! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting-tooting-shooting cowboy? (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)
SFX: Ding sound.
M.B.K (bashful) Shucks, I ain’t no rough, tough, rooting-tooting-shooting cowboy?
Candy (passing him a glass of milk) Here’s your milk, kid.
Candy How come you don’t like booze, kid?
M.B.K It gives me wind and the froth gets up my nose. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll finish reading my telegram. (reading) Dear Al…nephew. Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage–stop–looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you–stop. Your loving aunt, Calamity Jane. What did I tell you, she’s loaded with cash and can’t wait to offload it onto me.
Angelina and Jolie burst in (USL) Angelina wears a bandana over her face.
Customer It’s the Pitt Gang!
Angelina Okay, everybody reach! (customers feign barfing) I said reach, not retch!
Jolie Maybe they really are sick, Angelina.
Customer Yeah! We’re sick of bein’ robbed!
Sheriff (to robbers) If you ask me, you gals are headin’ fer a heap’a trouble. So take my advice and clear out while you still can.
Angelina When we want your advice Sheriff, we’ll ask fer it!
Sheriff (scared) Okay, just let me know when you want it. (sits)
Candy Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?
Sheriff Pass me some cheese an’ I’ll tell ya.
Angelina Everybody hand over your wallets!
Old Timer Get lost! (hoikes and spits towards wing)
SFX: Ding sound.
Angelina Show ‘em we mean business, Jolie.
Jolie Right, you’ve asked for this. (draws a banana out of her holster and points it)
Candy (laughs) She’s totin’ a banana!
Jolie Yeah an’ I ain’t afraid to use it.
Angelina (lowers her bandana) Why on earth did you bring a banana to a hold up?
Jolie You told me to.
Angelina No I didn’t!
Jolie Yes, you did. I distinctly heard you say, ‘bring a banana’.
Angelina I said bring a bandanna, you idiot!
Jolie Sorry!
All laugh.
Angelina (pulls gun) Stop laughing and hand over your cash! We ain’t got all day!
Jolie Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.
M.B.K Let me guess. You’re going to hold up the bank with a mango!
Angelina Right, that’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so full of lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! (pulls trigger – gun clicks) What’s the matter with this thing? (Jolie whispers) What do you mean you took the bullets out to clean them?
Jolie Well, they were dirty.
Angelina So!?
Jolie So if you shot anybody, they might get a nasty infection.
Angelina Well, as soon as I’ve put those nice shiny bullets back in my gun. The first person I’m gonna shoot, is you!
Jolie Owherrr! (runs off USR with Angelina in hot pursuit)
Calamity (off) ‘Ere! Mind where you’re poking that big banana of yours! (enters carrying a pile of luggage, which hides her face) Some people weren’t born with manners!
Old Timer You’re telling me. (hoikes and spits towards wing)
SFX: Ding sound.
Calamity Now, where’s that nephew of mine?
M.B.K Aunt Calamity?
Calamity Is that you Aloysius?
M.B.K Yes, auntie.
Calamity Come here nephew, I have something substantial to give you.
M.B.K (to others) I told you she was loaded, didn’t I?
Calamity I sure am. And I’m going to hand it all to you.
M.B.K (holds arms out) Ready when you are auntie.
Calamity Here you are then. (unloads all her luggage onto him)
Customers (all cringe at her looks) Ugggh!
Sheriff What an ugly lookin’ critter!
Old Timer She’s gotta’ a face like a constipated mule!
M.B.K Is this all you’ve got for me, auntie?
Calamity No there’s my handbag as well. (puts handbag on top of the pile)
M.B.K collapses under the weight and then scrambles to his feet.
Calamity What a journey it’s been. After ten miles, the stage’s suspension went. (rubbing her bottom) And ten miles later, so did mine. And to top it all, we were ambushed by a horde of screaming Indians.
Customer Sioux?
Calamity Darn right I’ll sue. I’ll take ‘em for every penny they’ve got.
M.B.K At least you’re all right, auntie.
Calamity Yes, but I’m still very distraught. I’ve heard stories about lust-filled braves, dragging genteel women like myself into their tepee’s. In order to satisfy their primitive urges.
M.B.K But they didn’t touch you, auntie.
Calamity I know! Why do you think I’m so distraught? Now there’s something I need to discuss with you, nephew.
M.B.K Does it involve money?
Calamity As a matter of fact, it does.
M.B.K I knew it! (rubbing his hands expectantly) How much, auntie?
Calamity Five dollars.
M.B.K Five dollars!?
Calamity Yes. Only I have to pay the stagecoach driver and I’m flat bust.
Old Timer (staring at her chest) Oh, I wouldn’t say that.
M.B.K You want me to lend you, five dollars?
Calamity Just until I get on my feet again.
M.B.K You mean, you aren’t rich?
Calamity Me! Rich? That’s a laugh. I had to sell everything I owned in order to buy a third-class ticket, aboard a tramp steamer to Boston. (elicit audience sympathy) And I had to stoke the boiler all the way here, in order to pay for my meals. And when I say meals. It was only a bowl of watery soup, with two lumps of coal thrown in for roughage. (laughs) I’m only joking. (to audience) Did you really believe they gave me two lumps of coal in a bowl of watery soup to eat? No…it was only one lump.
M.B.K But what about your letters telling me about your stately home in the country? What was your estate called again? Oh yes…Yorkshire!
Calamity I might’ve exaggerated a little. But your father was always bragging about how many goldmines he owned. And I didn’t want to seem like a poor relative.
M.B.K But dad didn’t own any goldmines!
Calamity He didn’t?
M.B.K No!
Calamity Why the two-faced, lying, low-down, no good, bragger!
Old Timer It obviously runs in the family. (hoikes and spits towards wing)
SFX: Ding sound.
Calamity So, what does he do then?
M.B.K He doesn’t do anything.
Calamity You mean, he’s on the dole?
M.B.K No, he’s underground.
Calamity So, he does own a goldmine after all! I knew you were only teasing me. Where is he then?
Candy He’s underneath your very feet.
Calamity You mean, his goldmine runs underneath this saloon? Let me see if I can hear him. (puts her ear to floor) I can’t hear anything. I’ll try shouting him. (shouts to floor) Hello Albert! It’s me, Calamity Jane!
Old Timer You’ll have to shout louder than that.
Calamity Why? Is he a little deaf?
Candy No, he’s a little dead.
Calamity (stands in horror) What do you mean, dead?
Candy You tell me your definition of dead, and we’ll see if it matches mine.
Calamity But you said he was underneath my very feet!
Candy He is. He spent that much time in here, he asked for his ashes to be buried under the floorboards when he died.
Calamity (emotional) My poor one and only brother – gone. Music cue 3:
M.B.K But I thought you had three brothers, auntie.
Calamity Yes, but he was the only poor one. What did he die of?
M.B.K Alcohol.
Calamity You mean, he drank himself to death?
M.B.K No, a brewery wagon fell on top of him.
Calamity Poor Albert. Still, at least I have the comfort of knowing he died a quick death.
Old Timer Actually, he got trapped by the legs and took four hours to die.
Calamity Four hours! How come nobody dragged him out from underneath the wagon?
Sheriff’ Cos he pulled his gun and wouldn’t let anyone near him, ‘til he’d lapped up all the spilt whiskey.
SFX: Gunshots and general commotion.
Cowboy runs on (SR)
Cowboy Sheriff, come quick! The Hole In The Wall gang, are shootin’ up the town!
Sheriff I think I left the jailhouse door open. I’d better go check. (exits SL)
Calamity Well? Isn’t anybody going to sort out those ruffians?
M.B.K No sense in annoying them auntie, they might cut up rough.
Calamity Well if you lot won’t, then I will. (starts to exit)
Customer Would you like to borrow ma gun, ma’am?
Calamity Listen mate. I was brought up on…(local rough area) It’ll take more than a bunch of outlaws waving their big weapons about, to frighten me. (exits SR)
M.B.K This, I must see.
Old Timer Me too.
All exit (SR) Mexican Bandits enter (USL) shooting their guns and whooping.
Bandits Aribba-arriba! Undelay-undelay! Eeeha!
El Gwapo Hang up the piñata’s, break out the tortilla chips and open a barrel of tequila! El Gwapo and hees gang are back in town and ready to party! Music cue 4: (Bandits do a short burst of inept Mexican dancing)
Dolores (looks around the empty saloon) Where is everybody?
Manuela I said we should have gone to Las Vegas, instead of this one-horse town.
Dolores This ain’t no one horse town, stoopid!
Manuela What makes you say that?
Dolores Because we’ve left three horses outside for starters.
Manuela Shut up, you silly mare.
El Gwapo Speaking of silly mares, where’s Julio?
Dolores He was still getting ready when we left the hideout.
Julio enters (USL) dressed as Jack Sparrow from ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’
Julio Sorry I’m late. I had a bit of trouble with these hair braids. (the others look gobsmacked) Why are you all staring at me like that? Has my mascara run?
El Gwapo Why are you dressed as a Pirate?
Julio How else should I dress for Pirates Of The Caribbean?
Dolores This isn’t Pirates Of The Caribbean!
Julio Isn’t it?
Al Others No!
Julio Are you sure?
All Others Yes!
Manuela This is Panto On The Prairie! Pirates Of The Caribbean is next year, you dork!
Julio But I’ve been up all night learning my lines for Pirates Of The Caribbean. I don’t know the lines for Panto On The Prairie!
Dolores Then you’ll just have to use a script. (all Bandits turn and look to SL) Excuse me, but could we have a script please?
A script is thrown onstage (SL)
Julio Cheers! (picks up script and turns the pages) What page are we on?
Manuela Page seven, halfway down.
Julio (turns pages) Okay, I’ve found it (reads) This is very funny. I wish I’d learnt it now.
El Gwapo Are you sure you’ve got the right script?
Julio So, we’re all Mexican bandits are we?
Bandits Si! Music cue 5: (Bandits do a short burst of inept Mexican dancing)
Julio And which one am I playing?
Dolores You’re playing the camp one.
Julio How come I always get to play the camp one?
Manuela Because you’re already in character.
Julio (hand on hip) I don’t know what you mean. So, what do we do then?
Dolores We’re mercenaries.
Julio And what do we fight for?
El Gwapo For El Presidente!
Dolores For country!
Manuela For liberty!
Julio What about money?
El Gwapo Five Pesos an hour.
Julio And what do we stand for?
El Gwapo We stand for Justice!
Dolores For freedom!
Manuela For old ladies on the bus!
El Gwapo We stop at nothing!
Dolores We fear nothing!
Manuela We know nothing!
El Gwapo We live by the gun!
Julio That’s good.
Manuela We die by the gun!
Julio That’s bad.
Dolores We live on our wits!
Julio That lets you out then. And who do we work for?
El Gwapo Anybody who pays us five Pesos an hour.
Julio We have no scruples then?
Manuela I don’t know about you, but I had mine out when I was a bambino.
Julio (turns another page) It says here we join forces with Geronimo and…
All Others Ssshhh!
Dolores Don’t give the plot away!
Julio Sorry. (turns another page) Have you seen what happens on page 23?
Manuela Gimme that! (snatches script and throws it offstage)
(cries off) Aaahh! My eye!
Dolores (looks to wing) I think we need a new prompt.
Julio What are we going to do now?
Manuela Well, we all know our lines.
El Gwapo (short pause – hisses to Julio) It’s your line next.
Julio Is it?
All Others Yes!
Julio Oh, right. (pirate voice) The cannibals have us surrounded Squire, what’ll we
do?
Manuela Wrong panto!
Julio You’re the one who chucked my script away!
El Gwapo Forget the script!
Dolores Everybody else will.
El Gwapo Let’s just go and see what job Geronimo wants us to do. (leads them all off USL)
Calamity and the others return.
Calamity (dusting her hands) I don’t think they’ll bother us again in a hurry.
Candy I’d never have believed it, if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes.
M.B.K The moment Aunt Calamity showed her face. They all turned tail and ran away.
Old Timer I don’t blame ‘em.
Calamity They just needed a firm hand, that’s all. Now if you’ll show me to my room, I’d like to get changed. By the way, what’s the nightlife like around here?
Old Timer Snakes and scorpions mostly.
Calamity And what about the food?
Old Timer Same. Snakes and scorpions mostly.
Calamity I can’t eat that. I prefer good old Yorkshire grub.
Candy Like what?
Calamity Tripe’n’onions, black pudding and pigs trotters.
Candy (calls) Come on in girls, and tell this limey what sorta food we got here, in the good ol’ US of A.
Girls enter dressed in fast food outfits. Candy and Calamity move behind bar and the rest move upstage. Music cue 6: Girls. After songs ends…
Calamity You can keep your fast food. Give me a good old British chippy, any day. (exits)
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