Panto On The Prairie

Scene One

The Golden Garter Saloon

Candy Barr stands behind bar. Music cue 2: Customers. After song ends…Customers can leave, stand around and/or sit at tables. There are saloon doors (SR & SL) through which actors enter and exit.

Enter The Milky Bar Kid (SR)

M.B.K: Hiya folks! Welcome to the town of Silver Creek. We’ve got one store, one saloon and a blacksmith, who is also the vet and dentist rolled into one. Last week he got confused and ended up shoeing the Sheriff, worming the Mayor and fitting dental braces on a horse. My name is Aloysius, but everybody calls me The Milky Bar Kid, on account of my liking for the white stuff. So, every time I come on and shout, hiya folks! I want you all to shout back, it’s The Milky Bar Kid! Will you do that? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (repeat until happy) The Milky Bars are on me! (distributes small Milky Bars, then goes up to the bar) Set ‘em up Candy, the drinks are on me too.

CANDY: Sure thing Kid. The usual fer ya?

M.B.K: Yeah, and make it a double this time.

CANDY: What’s the celebration, Kid?

M.B.K: My rich aunt Clam from England is arriving on the next stagecoach, and I’m expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old gal.

CANDY: English folks usually have rich American relatives. Not the other way round.

M.B.K: Not in my case. I can never seem to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamt of it, gambled for it. I’ve even begged for it.

OLD TIMER: Have you tried working for it? (hoikes and spits towards wing SL)

SFX: Ding sound of spit hitting a spittoon.

M.B.K: Ugggh! You said the W word.

CANDY: How ya gonna pay for all these drinks, Kid?

M.B.K: Don’t worry Candy, my Aunt Clam will pick up the tab.

CANDY: Let’s hope so. Otherwise you’ll need somebody to pick you up.

M.B.K: Listen to this telegram she sent me. (produces telegram) Dear Aloysius…

Customers fall about laughing.

OLD TIMER: Aloysius! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy? (hoikes and spits)

SFX: Ding sound.

M.B.K: Shucks, I ain’t no rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy.

CANDY: (passing him a glass of milk) Here’s your milk, Kid.

CUSTOMER 1: You’re more like a dairy cow, boy.

CUSTOMER 2: How come you don’t like booze, Kid?

M.B.K: It gives me wind and the froth gets up me nose. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll just finish reading my telegram. (reading) Dear Al…nephew. Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage – stop. Looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you – stop. Your loving aunt, Calamity Jane. What did I tell you? She’s loaded and wants to share it with me.

Enter Angelina and Jolie (SL) Angelina wears a bandana on her face.

CUSTOMER 3: It’s the Pitt Gang!

ANGELINA: Everybody, reach! (customers feign barfing) I said reach, not retch!

JOLIE: Maybe they really are sick, Angelina.

CUSTOMER 4: Yeah! Sick of bein’ robbed!

SHERIFF: If you ask me, you gals are headin’ fer a heap’a trouble. Take my advice and clear out while you still can.

ANGELINA: (threatening) When we want your advice Sheriff, we’ll ask for it!

SHERIFF: (scared) Okay, just let me know when you want it. (sits)

CANDY: Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: Pass me some cheese an’ I’ll tell ya.

ANGELINA: All right everybody, hand over your wallets!

OLD TIMER: Get lost! (hoikes and spits)

SFX: Ding sound.

ANGELINA: Show ‘em we mean business, Jolie.

JOLIE: You’ve asked for this. (draws a banana out of her holster and points it)

CANDY: (laughs) She’s totin’ a banana!

JOLIE: Yeah an’ I ain’t afraid to use it.

ANGELINA: (lowers her bandana) Why on earth did you bring a banana to a hold up?

JOLIE: You told me to.

ANGELINA: Oh no, I didn’t!

JOLIE: Oh yes, you did. I distinctly heard you say, bring a banana.

ANGELINA: No, you idiot! I said bring a bandana, (tugs her bandana) Like this one!

JOLIE: Be fair, it does sound very similar.

All laugh.

ANGELINA: (pulls gun) Stop laughing and hand over your cash! We ain’t got all day!

JOLIE: Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.

M.B.K: Let me guess. You’re holding up the bank with a mango!

ANGELINA: That’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so fulla lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! (pulls trigger – gun clicks) What’s wrong with this thing? (checks bullet chamber) Where are the bullets?

JOLIE: I took them out to clean them.

ANGELINA: What for?

JOLIE: They were really dirty.

ANGELINA: So, what?

JOLIE: So if you shot anybody, they might get a nasty infection.

ANGELINA: Once I’ve put those nice shiny bullets back in my gun. The first person I’m gonna shoot, is you!

JOLIE: Owherrr! (runs off SR with Angelina in hot pursuit)

CALAMITY: (off) Mind where you’re poking that banana! (enters SR carrying a pile of luggage, which hides her face) Some people weren’t born with manners!

OLD TIMER: You’re telling me. (hoikes and spits)

SFX: Ding sound.

CALAMITY: Where’s that nephew of mine?

M.B.K: Aunt Calamity?

CALAMITY: Is that you Aloysius?

M.B.K: Yes, auntie.

CALAMITY: Come here nephew. I have something substantial to give you.

M.B.K: (to others) I told you she was loaded, didn’t I?

CALAMITY: I sure am. And I’m going to hand the lot over to you.

M.B.K: (holds arms out) I’m ready when you are auntie.

CALAMITY: Here you are then. (unloads all her luggage onto him)

CUSTOMERS: (all cringe at her looks) Ugggh!

SHERIFF: What an ugly lookin’ critter!

OLD TIMER: She has a face like a constipated mule!

M.B.K: Is this all you have for me, auntie?

CALAMITY: No, there’s my handbag as well. (puts handbag on top of the pile)

M.B.K: Ooooh! (collapses under the weight, before getting to his feet)

CALAMITY: What a journey it’s been. The stage’s suspension went. (rubbing her bottom) Then shortly afterwards mine went. And to top it all, we were ambushed by a horde of screaming Indians.

CUSTOMER 1: Sioux?

CALAMITY: Darn right I’ll sue. I’ll take ‘em for every penny they’ve got.

M.B.K: At least you’re okay, auntie.

CALAMITY: Yes, but I’m still very distraught. I’ve heard stories about lust-filled braves, dragging genteel women like myself, off into their tepee’s, in order to satisfy their primitive urges.

M.B.K: But they didn’t touch you, auntie.

CALAMITY: I know! Why do you think I’m so distraught? Now, there’s something I need to discuss with you nephew.

M.B.K: Does it involve money?

CALAMITY: As a matter of fact, it does.

M.B.K: I knew it! (rubbing his hands) How much, auntie?

CALAMITY: Five dollars.

M.B.K: Five dollars!?

CALAMITY: I need pay the stagecoach driver and I’m flat bust.

OLD TIMER: (ogling her chest) Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

M.B.K: You want me to lend you, five dollars?

CALAMITY: Just until I get on my feet again.

M.B.K: You mean, you aren’t rich?

CALAMITY: Don’t make me laugh. I sold everything I owned, in order to buy a third-class ticket, aboard a tramp steamer to Boston. And I had to stoke the boiler all the way there, to pay for my meals. When I say meals. It was only a bowl of watery soup, with two lumps of coal thrown in for roughage. (laughs) I’m only joking. It was only one lump.

M.B.K: But what about your letters telling me all about your stately home in the country? What was your estate called again? Oh yes…Yorkshire!

CALAMITY: I might’ve exaggerated a bit. But your father was always bragging about all the goldmines he owned, and I didn’t want to seem like a poor relative.

M.B.K: Dad didn’t own any goldmines!

CALAMITY: He didn’t?

M.B.K: No!

CALAMITY: Why the two-faced, lying, low-down, no good, liar!

OLD TIMER: It obviously runs in the family. (hoikes and spits)

SFX: Ding sound.

CALAMITY: So, what does he do then?

M.B.K: He doesn’t do anything.

CALAMITY: You mean he’s unemployed?

M.B.K: No, he’s underground.

CALAMITY: So, he does own a goldmine after all you little tease. Where is he then?

CANDY: He’s right underneath your feet.

CALAMITY: You mean, his goldmine runs right underneath this saloon? Let me see if I can hear him. (puts her ear to floor) I can’t hear anything. I’ll try shouting him. (shouts to floor) Hello Albert! It’s me, Calamity Jane!

OLD TIMER: You’ll have to shout louder than that.

CALAMITY: Is he a bit deaf?

CANDY: No, he’s bit dead.

CALAMITY: (stands in horror) Dead! What do you mean, dead?

CANDY: You tell me your definition of dead and I’ll see if it matches mine.

CALAMITY: But you said he was right underneath my feet!

CANDY: He is. He spent that much time in here, he wanted his ashes buried under the floorboards after he died.

CALAMITY: (wails) My poor one and only brother – gone! Music cue 3:

M.B.K: I thought you had three brothers, auntie.

CALAMITY: Yes, but he was the only poor one. So, what did he die of then?

OLD TIMER: He died of a Monday. Or was it a Tuesday?

CALAMITY: I meant, what killed him?

M.B.K: Alcohol.

CALAMITY: He drank himself to death?

M.B.K: No, a brewery wagon fell on top of him.

CALAMITY: At least I have the comfort of knowing he died a quick death.

OLD TIMER: Not really. He was trapped by the legs and took hours to die.

CALAMITY: How come nobody dragged him out from underneath the wagon?

SHERIFF: He pulled his gun and wouldn’t let anybody near him, until he’d lapped up all the spilt booze.

SFX: Gunshots and general commotion.

Enter Cowboy at a run (SR)

COWBOY: Sheriff! Come quick! The Hole In The Wall gang, are shootin’ up the town!

SHERIFF: I think I left the jail door open. I’d better go back and check. (exits SL)

CALAMITY: Well, isn’t anybody going to sort out those ruffians?

M.B.K: No point in annoying them auntie, they might cut up rough.

CALAMITY: Then I’ll do it myself.

CUSTOMER 2: Would you like to borrow ma gun, ma’am?

CALAMITY: Listen mate. I was brought up on…(local rough area) It’ll take more than a bunch of outlaws waving their big weapons about, to frighten me. (exits USR)

M.B.K: This, I gotta see.

OLD TIMER: Me too.

Exit all (SR)

Enter Mexican Bandits (SL) shooting their guns and whooping.

BANDITS: Aribba-arriba! Undelay-undelay! Eeeha!

EL GUAPO: Hang up the piñata’s, break out the tortilla chips and open a barrel of tequila! El Guapo and hees gang are back in town and ready to paaarty!

Music cue 4: (Bandits do a short burst of Mexican dancing)

DOLORES: (looks around the empty saloon) Where is everybody?

MANUELA: I said we should have gone to Las Vegas, instead of this one-horse town.

DOLORES: This ain’t no one horse town, stoopid!

MANUELA: What makes you say that?

DOLORES: Well, we’ve left three horses outside for a start.

MANUELA: Shut up, you silly mare.

EL GUAPO: Speaking of silly mares, where is Julio? (pronounced Hulio)

DOLORES: He was still getting ready when we left the hideout.

Enter Julio (SL) dressed as Jack Sparrow of Pirates Of The Caribbean.

JULIO: Sorry I’m late. I had a bit of trouble with these hair braids. Why are you all staring at me like that? Has my mascara run?

EL GUAPO: Why are you dressed as a Pirate?

JULIO: How else should I dress for Pirates Of The Caribbean?

DOLORES: This isn’t Pirates Of The Caribbean!

JULIO: Isn’t it?

OTHERS: No!

JULIO: Are you sure?

OTHERS: Yes!

MANUELA: This is Panto On The Prairie, you idiot! Pirates Of The Caribbean is next year!

JULIO: But I’ve been up all night learning my lines for Pirates Of The Caribbean. I don’t know any lines for Panto On The Prairie.

DOLORES: Then you’ll have to use a script. (shouts SL) Could we have a script please?

A script is thrown on (SR)

JULIO: Cheers! (picks up script) What page are we on?

MANUELA: Page seven, halfway down.

JULIO: Okay, I’ve found it (laughs) This is really funny, I wish I’d learnt it now.

EL GUAPO: I think you’ve been given the wrong script.

JULIO: We’re all Mexican bandits, are we?

BANDITS: Si! Music cue 5: (Bandits do a short burst of Mexican dancing)

JULIO: Which one am I playing?

DOLORES: You’re playing the camp one.

JULIO: Why do I always get to play the camp one?

MANUELA: Because you’re always in character.

JULIO: (hand on hip) I don’t know what you mean. So, what do we do then?

DOLORES: We’re mercenaries.

JULIO: And what do we fight for?

EL GUAPO: For El Presidente!

DOLORES: For country!

MANUELA: For liberty!

JULIO: What about money?

EL GUAPO: Five Pesos an hour.

JULIO: And what do we stand for?

EL GUAPO: We stand for Justice!

DOLORES: For freedom!

MANUELA: For old ladies on the bus!

EL GUAPO: We stop at nothing!

DOLORES: We fear nothing!

MANUELA: We know nothing!

EL GUAPO: We live by the gun!

JULIO: That’s good.

MANUELA: We die by the gun!

JULIO: That’s bad.

DOLORES: We live on our wits!

JULIO: That lets you out then. And who do we work for?

EL GUAPO: Anybody who pays us five Pesos an hour.

JULIO: We have no scruples then?

MANUELA: I don’t know about the others, but I had mine out when I was a bambino.

JULIO: It says here we join forces with Geronimo and…

OTHERS: Ssshh!

DOLORES: Don’t give away the plot!

JULIO: Sorry. (turns page) Have you seen what happens on page twenty-three!?

MANUELA: Give me that! (snatches script and throws it offstage)

DOLORES: (a beat) It’s your line next, Julio.

JULIO: Is it?

OTHERS: Yes!

JULIO: (pirate voice) The cannibals have us surrounded Squire, what’ll we do?

MANUELA: Wrong panto!

JULIO: Well, you’re the one who chucked my script away!

EL GUAPO: Forget the script!

DOLORES: Everybody else will.

EL GUAPO: Let’s go and see what job Geronimo wants doing.

Exit Mexican Bandits (SL)

Enter Calamity and the others (SR)

CALAMITY: (dusting her hands) They won’t bother us again in a hurry.

CANDY: I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes.

M.B.K: Once Aunt Calamity showed her face, they all turned tail and ran off.

OLD TIMER: I don’t blame ‘em.

CALAMITY: They just needed a firm hand. I’m off to hit the town. What’s the nightlife like around here?

OLD TIMER: Snakes and scorpions mostly.

CALAMITY: And what about the food?

OLD TIMER: Snakes and scorpions mostly.

CALAMITY: I couldn’t eat that. I prefer good old Yorkshire grub.

CANDY: Like what fer instance?

CALAMITY: Tripe’n’onions, black pudding and pigs trotters.

CANDY: (shouts) Come on in girls, and show this Limey what sorta food we have in the good ol’ US of A.

Enter Saloon Girls in fast food outfits. Candy and Calamity go behind the bar and the rest move (US) Music cue 6: Saloon Girls. After song ends…

CALAMITY: Keep your fast food. Give me a good old British chippy, any day. (exits SL)

All laugh as lights dim to blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.