Old Mother Hubbard

Scene One

Tumbledown Village

Music cue 1: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…

Enter Handy Andy (SL) carrying a tool-bag.

ANDY: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Handy Andy! I’m the local handyman for Tumbledown Village, and there’s nothing I can’t fix. So, every time I come on, I’ll shout. Can I fix it? And you all shout back. Yes, you can! Will you do that? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Can I fix it? Some of you don’t seem too sure. Let’s try it again. (repeats business) Can I fix it? That’s much better.

CHORUS 1: Where are you working today, Andy?

ANDY: Old Mother Hubbard’s orphanage. She’s having trouble with her plumbing.

CHORUS 2: What sort of trouble?

ANDY: It’s constantly leaking.

CHORUS 3: Maybe she ought to try Tena Ladies.

ANDY: I meant, her water pipes!

CHORUS 4: Same difference.

ANDY: I’m going to check the old boiler over.

CHORUS 1: Don’t let her hear you calling her that.

ANDY: I wasn’t! Even though she is.

CHORUS 2: We think she fancies you like mad.

ANDY: And I’d have to be mad to fancy her.

CHORUS 3: Well, good luck Andy.

ANDY: I think I’ll need it.

CHORUS 4: We think you’ll be lucky to get out alive.

Exit Chorus laughing.

ANDY: They could be right. The last time I went there, Mother Hubbard locked the door and wouldn’t let me go, until I’d given her a kiss. I told her to close her eyes and pucker up and used my sink plunger on her lips instead. Now she thinks I’m the best kisser in town and fancies me even more. Oh well, I suppose I’d better get to the orphanage. See you later folks. (exits SR)

Music cue 2: Enter Demon (SL)

DEMON: Fairy Good will never stop me,

So, get ready for pain and misery! (laughs)

Enter Squire Gambit (SR) wailing.

SQUIRE: Woe is me! I’ve gambled away all my money, and now I’m ruined!

DEMON: Had a bit of bad luck, friend?

SQUIRE: I never have anything else.

DEMON: Then your luck is about to change for the better.

SQUIRE: What are you talking about?

DEMON: What if I said that I could grant you three wishes?

SQUIRE: I’d say you were in the wrong panto. Genies only appear in Aladdin.

DEMON: You don’t want your three wishes, then?

SQUIRE: I didn’t say that, now did I?

DEMON: Then what would you like for your first wish?

SQUIRE: I’d like an inexhaustible supply of money, to endlessly squander.

DEMON: No problem. (hands him a small purse) Here you are.

SQUIRE: It won’t take long to spend whatever’s inside this little purse!

DEMON: That is no ordinary purse. It’s a magic purse that never empties.

SQUIRE: You’re having me on. There’s no such thing as a purse that never empties.

DEMON: Reach inside and see what’s there.

SQUIRE: (takes out a £10 note) A measly ten pounds! That won’t go far. (turns purse inside out) I thought you said it never empties.

DEMON: Look again.

SQUIRE: (takes out another £10) Another ten pounds! Maybe it is magic after all.

DEMON: I told you so. And for your second wish?

SQUIRE: I’d like to own a great big mansion.

DEMON: (clicks fingers) Done. You are now the proud owner of Buckingham Palace.

SQUIRE: But doesn’t the Queen live there?

DEMON: Not anymore. (produces title deeds) Here are the deeds to it.

SQUIRE: Fantastic!

DEMON: And for your third and final wish?

SQUIRE: Let me see now. I have an inexhaustible supply of cash, plus Buckingham Palace. All I need now, is a sexy young wife to make my life complete.

DEMON: I can’t make anybody fall in love with you, but I can help things along a bit. You will meet your heart’s desire today. The rest is up to you.

SQUIRE: I can’t wait! But why are you doing all this for me?

DEMON: Let’s just say – I like people who share my own values.

SQUIRE: And what values might they be?

DEMON: (counting them off) Greed, vanity, spite, nastiness, and cruelty.

SQUIRE: I’m normally I’m a decent sort. (rubbing hands together) But the chance of money and power, does alter one’s morality somewhat.

DEMON: You’re not a politician by any chance?

SQUIRE: No – why do you ask?

DEMON: No reason. And as an added bonus. (produces property deeds) Here are the deeds to Old Mother Hubbard’s orphanage, with your name on them.

SQUIRE: What do I want with run-down orphanage?

DEMON: It might help you persuade the object of your desire, to marry you. Goodbye. And may your new-found wealth, bring you your just desserts. (exits SL)

SQUIRE: This is better than winning the lottery! I think I’ll go and check out my new home, first. (hails a cab) Taxi!

Enter Bump and Grind in a cut-out taxi (SR) Enter a daydreaming Megan (SL) who wanders in front of them causing them to halt suddenly.

SFX: Tyres screeching.

GRIND: Mind where you’re going, Miss!

MEGAN: I’m so sorry – I must’ve been daydreaming.

SQUIRE: (smitten) I saw everything my dear, and it was their fault entirely.

BUMP & GRIND: (exiting the taxi) Oh no, it wasn’t!

SQUIRE: Oh yes, it was!

BUMP & GRIND: Oh no, it wasn’t!

SQUIRE: (to Megan) Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Squire Gambit.

MEGAN: Pleased to meet you, Squire. I’m Megan.

SQUIRE: (leering at her) Well, Megan. Can I offer you a lift somewhere – anywhere?

MEGAN: No thanks. Mother Hubbard warned me never to accept lifts from strangers.

SQUIRE: You’re one of Mother Hubbard’s orphans?

MEGAN: Yes. I lost my parents when I was only a baby.

BUMP: That’s really sad. Isn’t it Grind?

GRIND: It certainly is. I also lost my parents when I was young.

BUMP: What happened?

GRIND: They moved house and forgot to tell me.

SQUIRE: (scheming) It must cost a fortune running an orphanage.

MEGAN: It sure does. Mother Hubbard’s always complaining about a lack of money.

SQUIRE: Good. I mean – how awful. I happen to be incredibly rich. I’ll drop by later and make her an offer she can’t refuse.

MEGAN: I’m sure she’ll be grateful for any help.

BUMP: Where to Squire?

SQUIRE: Buckingham Palace, and don’t spare the horses.

GRIND: What horses? This is a taxi, not a flaming horse and cart.

SQUIRE: Never mind. Why are there two of you? Taxi’s usually have only one driver.

BUMP: We’re job-sharing.

SQUIRE: Whatever. (puts his hand on the door to open it) Drive on immediately!

BUMP: Yes, Squire!

Taxi drives off (SL) and the door handle comes off in the Squire’s hand.

SQUIRE: Come back you idiots! (they return) You were too quick off the mark!

GRIND: Sorry, Squire. I was trying to beat the rush hour traffic.

BUMP: Why they call it the rush hour when everything grinds to a halt?

SQUIRE: (climbs inside taxi) Drive on!

Exit taxi (SL) with Bump, Grind and Squire.

MEGAN: Squire Gambit must be going to offer Mother Hubbard a charitable donation. I can’t wait to tell her the good news. (waves) Bye everybody! (exits USR)

Music cue 3: Enter Fairy (DSR)

FAIRY: The Demon is nastier than ever this year,

He’ll cause more misery and won’t shed a tear.

With the Squire as his lacky, he’ll spread evil about,

But I will defeat him, of that, have no doubt. (exits)

Music cue 4: Enter Mother Hubbard and Orphans (SL) her dog, Google.

MOTHER. H: Parade…halt! Atteeen…shun! Stand aaat…ease! (to audience) Hello folks! I’m Hilda Hubbard, and I run the local orphanage. Some people call me, Old Mother Hubbard. But they usually end up requiring medical attention. And these are my orphan charges. Speaking of charges, it costs a fortune to run the orphanage. And since Brexit, it’s even harder without my Euro funding. But although we’re short of money, we’re always happy. Aren’t we children?

ORPHANS: (downbeat) Yes, Mother Hubbard.

MOTHER. H: Well, you might try sounding it. I’m having a delivery from Oxfam today, so just think of all the lovely stuff you’ll be getting.

ORPHAN 1: A load of old rubbish that nobody else wants, you mean.

MOTHER. H: It’s the thought that counts.

ORPHAN 2: You can’t think much of us then.

MOTHER. H: That’s like a dagger to my heart. I work my fingers to the bone to provide you all with a roof over your heads, clothes on your back and food in your bellies. (getting emotional) And this is the thanks I get! I think I’m going to cry!

ORPHAN 3: Please don’t cry, Mother Hubbard. Or you’ll make us cry, too.

MOTHER. H: I can’t help it! (wails into a hanky)

Orphans join in the wailing.

Enter Megan (SR)

MEGAN: What’s wrong, kids? Why are you all crying?

ORPHAN 4: (wails) It’s because of Mother Hubbard!

MEGAN: She hasn’t been beating you, has she?

MOTHER. H: (stops crying) You know I don’t believe in physical punishment, Megan! I find that mental cruelty is much more effective.

MEGAN: We need to cheer them up again, quickly.

MOTHER. H: How?

Orphans calm down but continue sniffling and looking sad.

MEGAN: (to audience) How we can cheer them up boys and girls? (response) Buy them all ice-creams? Take them on holiday? Give them a X-box?

MOTHER. H: Forget it! I’m that skint, I can’t even afford to pay attention.

MEGAN: (Google whispers) What’s that, Google? Give them all a nice big juicy bone? You might appreciate that Google, but I doubt they would.

MOTHER. H: And you can forget about bones too, Google. I checked earlier and the cupboard was bare. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that.

MEGAN: (Google whispers) Maybe somebody in the audience has a nice juicy bone?

MOTHER. H: I’ll ask them. (to audience) If anybody has a large bone on them. I’d be grateful it you’d let me have it. (Google gets excited) Calm Google, it’s not for you!

MEGAN: Then who is it for, Mother Hubbard?

MOTHER. H: I was thinking of use it to make a nice watery soup for us all.

Orphans wail loudly again.

MEGAN: That’s set them off again.

MOTHER. H: And it’s setting my tinnitus off.

MEGAN: Why don’t we all sing a happy song? That always cheers them up.

MOTHER. H: What shall we sing?

MEGAN: What about, ‘My Favourite Things’, from The Sound Of Music?

ORPHANS: (cheer) Yeah!

MOTHER. H: People often mistake me for Julie Andrews, you know.

ORPHAN 5: Is that because she’s really old?

MOTHER. H: No! It’s because I sound like her when I sing!

MEGAN: Here we go then. Music cue 5: Ensemble. After song ends…

MOTHER. H: And now you’re all happy again. You can get happily stuck into that big pile of washing when we get home. And it all needs doing by hand.

MEGAN: Has the washing machine has broken down again?

MOTHER. H: No, Megan.

ORPHAN 1: Then why do we need to do the washing by hand?

MOTHER. H: I sold the washing machine to pay for something more important.

MEGAN: Is it a new TV?

MOTHER. H: No, it’s not a new TV.

ORPHAN 2: Is it new beds?

MOTHER. H: No, it isn’t new beds.

MEGAN: Is it new shoes?

MOTHER. H: No, it’s not that either.

ORPHAN 3: Then what is it Mother Hubbard?

MOTHER. H: My makeup.

MEGAN: Makeup isn’t more important than a washing machine, Mother Hubbard!

ORPHAN 4: I don’t know. Seeing Mother Hubbard without makeup might traumatise us.

MOTHER. H: Cheek! I must keep up my appearance, Megan. If Social Services called round and saw that I’m neglecting myself, they’ll think I’m also neglecting the orphans and take them away to a different home.

ORPHANS: (cheer) Yeah!

MOTHER. H: That’s it! I want all the washing done by teatime, or it’s no supper tonight!

ORPHANS: Hooray!

MOTHER. H: Are you insinuating that my cooking’s rubbish?

ORPHAN 4: No, Mother Hubbard!

MOTHER. H: I should think not, too.

ORPHAN 5: We don’t rate it that highly.

Orphans laugh.

MOTHER. H: Why you little…! Just wait ‘til I catch you! (chases them around stage)

Exit Orphans and Mother Hubbard (SR)

MEGAN: I forget to tell Mother Hubbard about the Squire! (shouts) Mother Hubbard! Wait! (exits at a run after her)

SFX: Sound of car engine followed by a loud screech and a crashing sound.

Enter Bump and Grind (SL) with a car door and tyre around their necks.

BUMP: Ooohh! What happened?

GRIND: You crashed the taxi – dumbo!

Enter Squire (SL) with a steering-wheel sticking out the top of his pants.

BUMP: You’ve got a steering wheel sticking out the top of your pants, Squire!

SQUIRE: I know, and it’s driving me nuts.

GRIND: (jumping about) Ooooh! Aaaah! (reaches down the front of his pants and brings out a car cigarette-lighter, which has a glowing end)

BUMP: At least the lighter still works.

GRIND: Which is more than our taxi does, after you wrapped it around that big tree.

BUMP: It was the sat-nav’s fault!

GRIND: The taxi doesn’t have a sat-nav!

BUMP: Exactly! If it had, I wouldn’t have taken a wrong turn and hit that tree.

GRIND: How are we going to earn money now?

SQUIRE: (scheming) Why don’t you both work for me.

BUMP: You want to employ us, after we nearly killed you back there?

SQUIRE: I’m the forgiving sort. Now, what do you say?

BUMP & GRIND: Yes please!

SQUIRE: Good! You can start by delivering this letter to Old Mother Hubbard at the orphanage. While I go and make plans for my wedding. (hands over a letter)

GRIND: You’re getting married, Squire?

SQUIRE: If everything goes to plan, as I expect it too. I’ll see you both later. (exits SR)

BUMP: That was a stroke of luck, wasn’t it?

GRIND: It certainly was. Let’s get this letter to Old Mother Hubbard, right away.

Exit Bump and Grind (SR)

Music cue 6: Enter Demon (SL)

DEMON: Everything is going my way,

And Fairy Good is losing sway.

Evil will win the fight this year,

And she will have to disappear. (laughs)

Enter Andy (SR)

ANDY: Can I fix it? (sees Demon – to audience) He looks a bit evil, doesn’t he?

DEMON: That’s because I’m a demon, and demons are supposed to look evil.

ANDY: I don’t believe in demons.

DEMON: And do you believe in fairies?

ANDY: Of, course not. Apart from the tooth fairy, who always leaves 50p under my pillow whenever I lose a tooth.

DEMON: Then let’s hope she carries a chequebook. (casts a spell) Abracadabra!

ANDY: (pretends his teeth have disappeared) Aaaah! All me teef ‘ave gorn!

DEMON: Now do you believe in demons?

ANDY: Yeth! Now gif me back my teef!

DEMON: Only if you agree to perform a little task for me.

ANDY: Yeth! Anything!

DEMON: (casts a spell) Abracadee!

ANDY: (checks his teeth) Me gnashers are back!

DEMON: (produces a note) You will deliver this note to Fairy Good.

ANDY: What does this Fairy Good, look like?

DEMON: Like an overgrown Barbie, with wings.

ANDY: All right, I’ll do it. I don’t fancy sucking soup for the rest of my life. (takes note)

DEMON: A wise decision. Just make sure you deliver it. (exits SL)

ANDY: I’m not running errands for a demon. I’ll throw this note away. (tries but can’t let go) I can’t let go of it. I’d better find this Fairy Good, or I’ll be stuck with this thing forever. (exits USR)

Enter Prince Harry (DSR)

PRINCE: Hello everybody! I’m Prince Harry! It’s my father the King’s Silver Jubilee. And to celebrate twenty-five years on the throne, he’s sent me out to find a deserving person to reward. The winner will receive £25,000 and a title. I don’t suppose you know anybody deserving of £25,000 and a title, do you? I’m sorry, but you can’t nominate yourself. My parents are also pressing me to get married soon. They insist I must marry a Princess, but I would happily marry any girl I fell in love with. Anyway, I must continue my search. Goodbye! (waves and exits SL)

Blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.