Mother Goose

Scene One

Eiderdown Town

Chorus are onstage. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…

CHORUS 1: I love living here in the little town of Eiderdown.

CHORUS 2: Me too. Everybody is always so happy and carefree.

CHORUS 3: Apart from miserable old Squire Blackheart, that is.

CHORUS 4: He keeps raising our rents and threatens to evict anybody who can’t pay.

Enter Squire Blackheart unseen (SL)

CHORUS 5: Squire Blackheart’s the meanest, cruellest person I know.

SQUIRE: (snaps) And I can be even meaner and crueller!

CHORUS 6: Squire Blackheart!

SQUIRE: I’m glad you’re all here. Because it saves me from having to visit your filthy stinking homes, to tell you that your rents are going up again.

CHORUS 1: We can’t afford these constant rent rises, Squire.

SQUIRE: Anybody who doesn’t pay up, will be evicted. (pointing at the cottage) Including the old biddy who lives there.

CHORUS 2: You mean, Mother Goose?

CHORUS 3: The kindest, most loving person in all Eiderdown!

SQUIRE: Bah! Love and kindness count for nothing in this world. Money and power are all that matter, and I want lots of both. My bailiffs will be calling round later, with orders to evict all defaulters. (exits SL laughing)

CHORUS 4: I didn’t think the Squire could get any meaner.

CHORUS 5: He won’t be happy until he’s driven everybody out of Eiderdown.

CHORUS 6: Including poor Mother Goose.

Exit Chorus sadly (SR)

Enter Silly Billy (SL)

SILLY BILLY: Here chick-chick-chick! (spots audience) Hello there! I’m Billy Goose! People call me Silly Billy, but I’m not silly. Well, not all of the time. I’m just searching for our goose, Priscilla. I took her for a walk earlier and managed to lose her. If mum finds out, she’ll go mental. Priscilla’s the love of her life. I sometimes think she cares more for that old goose, than she does her own flesh and blood. You haven’t seen the old bird, have you? Priscilla, I mean, not mum. Well, if you do spot her be sure and let me know, okay?

M. GOOSE: (singing off) #Oh what a beautiful morning#

SILLY BILLY: That sounds like mum, now.

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage, carrying a sweeping brush.

M. GOOSE: Hello Billy. Did Priscilla enjoy her little walk this morning?

SILLY BILLY: Yes mum.

M. GOOSE: (looking past him) Where is she then?

SILLY BILLY: Well you see mum, what happened was…

M. GOOSE: Don’t tell me you’ve gone and lost her!

SILLY BILLY: All right then, I won’t.

M. GOOSE: You have! Haven’t you? You’ve lost my precious Priscilla! The love of my life! How could you be so careless, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: It wasn’t my fault, mum. I popped into a shop to get us both an ice-cream, and when I came back out, she’d gone.

M. GOOSE: Why didn’t you take her inside with you?

SILLY BILLY: They don’t allow giant geese inside the shop.

M. GOOSE: Have you tried calling her?

SILLY BILLY: Yes, mum. Haven’t I boys and girls?

M. GOOSE: And exactly how did you call her, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: Like this. (calling) Here, chick-chick-chick!

M. GOOSE: Fancy calling her like that. It’s no wonder everybody calls you, Silly Billy.

SILLY BILLY: What’s wrong with how I call her?

M. GOOSE: Because Priscilla’s a goose, not a flaming chicken! (on the words chicken and goose she hits him on the bum with the broom)

SILLY BILLY: (jumps in the air when hit) Owah! I know she’s a goose, mum!

M. GOOSE: Then try calling her by making a sound like a goose!

SILLY BILLY: But I don’t know what sound a goose makes.

M. GOOSE: Well it’s…it sounds like…it’s a sort of…

SILLY BILLY: See? Even you don’t know what sound a goose makes.

M. GOOSE: That’s because Priscilla is always quiet and well-behaved. And now I might never see her again. (lifts her skirt and blows her nose on it)

SILLY BILLY: Don’t worry mum, I’m sure I’ll find her eventually.

M. GOOSE: You couldn’t find your own reflection in a mirror! I need some nerve tonic to calm me down – with ice and lemon. (exits inside)

SILLY BILLY: How am I going to find a runaway goose? It might help if I knew what sound a goose makes. (to audience) Do any of you know what sound a goose makes? (response) A honk! Of course! I’ll call Priscilla by going, honk-honk! Mind you, I’ve got a terrible memory and might forget. Will you help me out boys and girls? If you hear me calling chick-chick-chick! Just shout, honk-honk! To remind me, okay? Let’s have a practice then. I’ll go off and come back on calling chick-chick-chick, and you put me right. (exits and re-enters) That wasn’t loud enough. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was much better. I’m off to try and find Priscilla now. Here, chick-chick-chick! (response) Thanks! (exits calling) Honk-honk!

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage carrying a basket of washing.

M. GOOSE: I thought I heard Priscilla, just then. (to audience) Did anybody see a gorgeous goose, just now? Never mind, I’ll just hang my washing out and take my mind of things for a bit. (puts basket down and starts pegging out large comedy bloomers. As she bends to pick another item from the basket. Priscilla enters SL waddles over and pecks her on the bum) Ooooh! Two pints please, milkman! (turns) Priscilla! I’ve been worried sick about you! Where have you been? (Priscilla whispers) You’ve been to the duck pond. (Priscilla nods) Why did you go to the duck pond? (Priscilla whispers) You went for a gander! Naughty girl, Priscilla. Promise you’ll never run away ever, again. (Priscilla nods) Good.

Enter Jack (SR)

JACK: Hello mum! (Priscilla gets animated) Priscilla’s a bit frisky this morning. What’s she been up to?

M. GOOSE: I don’t know, but I’ll bet it happened down at the duck pond.

Enter Jill at a run (SL)

JILL: Jack! Mrs Goose!

JACK: Hello, Jill. You look in a bit of a hurry.

JILL: I’ve just heard some terrible news!

M. GOOSE: Don’t tell me…(current cheesy pop band)…have released another record?

JILL: It’s worse than that, Mrs G. Squire Blackheart’s raising everybody’s rent again, and threatening to evict anybody who doesn’t pay up.

M. GOOSE: The rotten swine!

JILL: And he’s sending his bailiff’s round today to collect.

M. GOOSE: But I don’t have any money to pay them. I’m that poor, whenever I go to KFC, I have to lick other people’s fingers.

JILL: Don’t you have anything put aside for a rainy day?

M. GOOSE: Only an umbrella. I was hoping to earn money, by selling goose eggs. But Priscilla’s never laid a single one. (clutches her chest) The stress of it all is giving me palpitations. I’ll probably need some more nerve tonic. There’s a nice plate of corn round the back for you, Priscilla. (exits into cottage)

Exit Priscilla (USL)

JACK: Why can’t the Squire be nice like most people in Eiderdown, Jill?

JILL: Maybe he just needs some love in his life, Jack.

JACK: I can’t imagine anybody loving the Squire.

JILL: I believe there’s someone for everybody, in this world.

JACK: And I’m glad I’ve found that somebody for me, in you.

JILL: Likewise, Jack. Music cue 3: Jack and Jill. After song ends…

M. GOOSE: (singing off) ‘Little old wine drinker me…’

JACK: I’d better go and make sure mum doesn’t have too much, nerve tonic.

JILL: Tell her to watch out for the Squire, and I’ll see you later. (exits SR)

M. GOOSE: (singing off) ‘Red, red wine, stay close to me…’

JACK: Pardon me folks. (shouts) That’s enough mum! (exits inside)

Enter Biff and Bash (SL)

BIFF: Here we are Bash – Mother Goose’s place. Go and knock on her door.

BASH: Why don’t you knock on her door, Biff?

BIFF: Don’t tell me you’re scared of a feeble old woman?

BASH: You’ve never met Mother Goose, have you?

BIFF: No, but I’m sure she’s no different to any other old woman.

BASH: She’s like no other woman you’ve ever met, I can assure you.

Enter Silly Billy (SR)

SILLY BILLY: Here, chick-chick-chick! (response) Thanks! Honk-honk!

BIFF: What are you doing?

SILLY BILLY: I’m calling my goose.

BASH: You’re Billy Goose, aren’t you?

SILLY BILLY: That’s right. And who are you?

BIFF: We’re Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs.

SILLY BILLY: Bailiffs! What are you doing here?

BASH: We’re here to see your mum.

SILLY BILLY: What about?

BIFF: She’s got a little behind.

SILLY BILLY: Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

BASH: I meant, with her rent!

SILLY BILLY: And what if she can’t afford to pay up?

BIFF: Then out she goes.

SILLY BILLY: She’s not in at the moment.

BASH: I don’t believe you.

Enter Mother Goose from cottage.

M. GOOSE: I thought I heard you, Billy. You’ll be pleased to know that Priscilla managed to find her own way home after all.

SILLY BILLY: That’s good.

M. GOOSE: (spots Biff & Bash) Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: They’re not my friends, mum. They’re Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs.

M. GOOSE: (exclaims) Bailiffs!? (exits inside and slams door shut)

BIFF: I thought you said your mum was out?

SILLY BILLY: She is.

BASH: Then who was that woman just now?

SILLY BILLY: That was my…um…auntie!

BIFF: Then why did you just call her, mum?

SILLY BILLY: We’re very close.

BASH: You can’t fool us. (bends to look through the letterbox) Come out Mother Goose, or we shall be forced to act!

BIFF: I thought we already were acting.

Enter Priscilla in wing (USL) looks at Bailiffs and makes pecking movements. Bailiffs have their backs to Priscilla and don’t notice her.

SILLY BILLY: (whispers to audience) Shall I let her do it, boys and girls? Shall I? All right then, I will. (hisses to Priscilla) Go get ‘em girl!

Priscilla runs over, pecks Bash on the bottom and exits again (USL)

BASH: (jumps up) Owah!

BIFF: What’s the matter with you?

BASH: Somebody just nipped me on the bum!

BIFF: Well it wasn’t me!

BASH: (turns to Billy) Then it must’ve been you!

SILLY BILLY: It wasn’t me!

BIFF: Oh yes, it was!

SILLY BILLY: Oh no it wasn’t!

BASH: (to Biff) You shout through the letterbox Biff, while I keep an eye on him.

BIFF: Okay then.

BASH: (drags Billy downstage) Come down here, out of the way.

Enter Priscilla in wing (USL)

SILLY BILLY: (glances at Priscilla – then points out) Isn’t that Squire Blackheart?

BASH: (looking out) Where?

BIFF: (bends and shouts through letterbox) Come out, Mother Goose! (Priscilla rushes on and pecks Biff on the bottom and exits as before) Owah! (jumps up)

BASH: (turns) What’s the matter now?

BIFF: Somebody just nipped me on the bum!

SILLY BILLY: It can’t have been either of us – we were nowhere near you.

BASH: He’s right you know.

BIFF: (joins the others downstage) There’s something funny going on here.

SILLY BILLY: That’ll make a change from last year’s panto, then.

BASH: (to Billy) You’d better tell us what’s going on, or else.

SILLY BILLY: Are you threatening me?

BIFF & BASH: Yes!

SILLY BILLY: In that case, I’ll threaten you with a goose.

BIFF: So, it was you who pinched our bums!

Enter Priscilla, who moves behind them.

SILLY BILLY: No, I didn’t! Anyway, I meant Priscilla our goose, who’s right behind you.

BASH: I don’t believe you.

SILLY BILLY: Introduce yourself, Priscilla.

SFX: Loud honking.

Bailiffs turn and spot Priscilla.

BIFF: It’s a giant goose!

Priscilla attacks Bailiffs.

BASH: Run for it, Biff!

Bailiffs run off around stage chased by Priscilla.

SFX: Loud honking.

Exit Biff and Bash (SL)

SILLY BILLY: Well done, Priscilla. Those bailiffs won’t be back in a hurry.

M. GOOSE: (opens cottage door) Have those bailiffs gone yet, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: Yes mum.

Enter Mother Goose from cottage, followed by Jack.

JACK: What did they want?

SILLY BILLY: They wanted to throw mum out, for owing rent. But I sent them packing.

JACK: I didn’t know you had it in you, Billy.

SILLY BILLY: Still waters run deep, Jack.

M. GOOSE: Yes, but you’re more like a shallow puddle.

SFX: Loud honking.

Priscilla honks pecks at Silly Billy.

SILLY BILLY: Ouch! Priscilla helped me out a bit.

Enter Sally (SR)

SALLY: Hello there! I’m looking for Mother Goose. Do you know her?

JACK: Only too well.

M. GOOSE: I’m Mother Goose. ‘Ere, you’re not with Squire Blackheart’s Bailiffs, are you?

SALLY: (puzzled) What bailiffs?

SILLY BILLY: Two big tough bailiffs were here just now, trying to evict mum. But me and our goose Priscilla, chased them away.

SALLY: (looking past Billy at Priscilla) Aren’t you the big brave handsome one.

SILLY BILLY: (mistaken) Well, it’s very nice of you to say so.

SALLY: I’ve never seen a more beautiful creature.

SILLY BILLY: Stop it. You’ll make me blush.

SALLY: Come here and let me give you a big sloppy kiss.

SILLY BILLY: (all bashful – turns away) I’m too shy.

Priscilla also turns away shyly.

SALLY: You know you want to. Now turn around and let me plant one on you.

SILLY BILLY: If you insist. (turns with eyes closed and lips puckered)

Priscilla turns and Sally goes and plants a big kiss on her beak.

M. GOOSE: ’Ere, what do you think you’re doing snogging my goose?

SILLY BILLY: Eh!? (opens his eyes – to Sally) You were talking about, Priscilla?

SALLY: Yes. Who did you think I was talking about?

SILLY BILLY: (sheepish) Oh…nobody, really.

M. GOOSE: (to Sally) Who are you, dear?

SALLY: I’m Sally the Goose Girl and I’m looking for a job.

JACK: What does a goose girl do?

SALLY: They look after geese, of course.

M. GOOSE: Where are they then?

SALLY: Where are what?

M. GOOSE: All these geese you’re looking after.

SALLY: I only look after other people’s geese. I’ve never had a goose myself.

SILLY BILLY: Mum’s had lots of gooses. Haven’t you mum?

M. GOOSE: (preening) I can’t complain.

SALLY: Do you have any geese that need looking after?

JACK: We only have the one.

SALLY: I doubt you’ll need me to look after one goose.

M. GOOSE: No, but perhaps you could babysit my Priscilla.

SALLY: No offence, but aren’t you a bit too old to have a baby?

M. GOOSE: Priscilla’s my goose! And I’m not too old for anything, thank you!

Enter Orphans trudging on (SR)

SILLY BILLY: Where did all these kids come from?

JACK: Well Billy, when two people love each other very much…

SILLY BILLY: I know about all that icky stuff, Jack. I meant, where do they live?

ORPHAN 1: We’re all homeless.

SALLY: How come you’re all homeless?

ORPHAN 2: We’ve just been evicted from the orphanage, by Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs.

JACK: I didn’t think even Squire Blackheart could sink that low.

ORPHAN 3: And we’re looking for a nice kind lady to take us in.

ORPHAN 4: Will you take us in, Mother Goose?

ORPHAN 5: We’ve never had a real mummy to look after us.

M. GOOSE: You’ve never had a mummy look after you?

ORPHANS: (sadly) No.

M. GOOSE: Never had a mummy to tuck you in at night and read you a bedtime story?

ORPHAN 6: (looking up at M. Goose) What’s a bedtime story?

M. GOOSE: (to audience) It’s heart-rending stuff, isn’t it?

JACK: We can’t leave them all homeless, mum.

M. GOOSE: You’re right, Jack.

SALLY: Are you going to take them all in, Mother Goose?

M. GOOSE: Listen, dear. (pointing) That’s a cottage, not a Premier Inn. Bring them all inside and I’ll phone social services.

Exit Sally, Mother Goose and Children inside the cottage.

SILLY BILLY: Gosh that Sally’s pretty, isn’t she Jack? I wonder if she has a boyfriend.

JACK: Do you fancy her, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: Maybe…perhaps…yes!

Music cue 4: Enter Fairy (SR)

FAIRY: Mother Goose is good and kind,And poverty is her biggest bind.She struggles her own family to feed,But a goose will supply their every need. (waves her wand and exits)

SILLY BILLY: That was a fairy we saw just now wasn’t it, Jack?

JACK: I’m not sure. (to audience) Was a fairy here just now, boys and girls?

SILLY BILLY: I’m still not convinced.

JACK: I’ll ask Priscilla. Was a fairy here just now, Priscilla? (Priscilla nods)

SILLY BILLY: That settles it then. Everybody knows that geese don’t lie.

JACK: I wonder what she meant by saying, a goose will supply their every need?

SILLY BILLY: Perhaps Priscilla’s going to start laying eggs.

JACK: I’ll believe that when I see it.

SFX: Loud honking.

Priscilla squats.

SILLY BILLY: I think Priscilla’s about to lay an egg, Jack

JACK: That’ll be a first.

Priscilla gives a loud honk and drops a golden egg.

SILLY BILLY: She has laid an egg!

JACK: Well done, Priscilla! (picks up the egg) Gosh, this egg’s heavy.

SILLY BILLY: Maybe it’s a double-yolker.

JACK: No Billy, it’s solid gold!

SILLY BILLY: It can’t be.

JACK: See for yourself.

SILLY BILLY: (checks the egg) You’re right, Jack! It’s solid gold!

JACK: You know what this means, don’t you Billy?

SILLY BILLY: We’re rich?

JACK: Yes, and it also means that fairy was as good as her word.

They link arms and dance around chanting.

JACK & BILLY: We’re rich! We’re rich! We’re rich!

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage.

M. GOOSE: What’s all the kerfuffle?

SILLY BILLY: Priscilla has just laid an egg, mum!

M. GOOSE: And about time, too. Now we can have a nice omelette for tea.

JACK: I don’t think so mum.

M. GOOSE: It’s not off, is it?

SILLY BILLY: It’s off the menu that’s for sure.

M. GOOSE: What are you talking about, Billy?

JACK: This egg is solid gold, mum! Look!

M. GOOSE: (checks it) You’re right – it is! (to Priscilla) Who’s a clever girl then?

SILLY BILLY: It was a fairy wot did it, mum.

M. GOOSE: Don’t talk daft, Billy. Fairies don’t lay eggs.

SILLY BILLY: No, mum! She waved her wand and made Priscilla lay the solid gold egg!

JACK: It’s true, mum. She said it was to reward you for being good and kind.

SILLY BILLY: And you did take all those little orphans in?

M. GOOSE: Only temporarily, Billy.

JACK: That must still count, mum.

Enter Squire (SL) followed by Biff and Bash.

SQUIRE: Mother Goose! I want a word with you!

M. GOOSE: What do you want now, face ache?

SQUIRE: I want to know why your vicious goose attacked my bailiffs.

M. GOOSE: You’d do the same if you’d been disturbed right in the middle of egg laying.

SQUIRE: What are you talking about? I’ve never laid an egg in my life.

BIFF: And neither has your old goose.

Priscilla nods.

SILLY BILLY: Oh yes, she has!

BIFF & BASH: Oh no, she hasn’t!

M. GOOSE: Oh yes, she has! Hasn’t she boys and girls?

Priscilla nods.

JACK: It’s true, Squire. (shows him the egg) See?

SQUIRE: This egg is solid gold!

M. GOOSE: That’s right! Which means I’m now rich enough to buy my cottage outright.

SQUIRE: You know, Gladys. I’ve always found you a very attractive woman.

M. GOOSE: I must say you’ve hidden it well.

SQUIRE: I’ve often wanted to expose my feelings to you, but I’ve always been too shy.

M. GOOSE: Never mind, you can expose yourself after we’re married.

SQUIRE: (exclaims) Married!?

M. GOOSE: This is a marriage proposal, isn’t it?

SQUIRE: (blustering) What!? Oh…er…yes! That’s exactly what it is, Gladys.

M. GOOSE: The answer’s, yes! On one condition.

SQUIRE: Which is?

M. GOOSE: That you let all those little orphans back in the orphanage for good.

SQUIRE: Consider it done. I’ll go and get spruced up, and then we’ll go out and celebrate our engagement, my little golden girl. (to Biff & Bash) Let’s go.

Exit Squire, Biff and Bash.

JACK: You can’t marry Squire Blackheart mum! He’s just a gold digger.

M. GOOSE: And I’ll show him the best place to dig for it.

SILLY BILLY: He’s only after one thing, mum.

M. GOOSE: Aren’t all men? I’ll fetch my credit-card, then we’ll go shopping. (exits inside)

JACK: The sudden acquisition of wealth has obviously affected her mind.

SILLY BILLY: Be honest Jack, it was fairly affected beforehand.

Enter Jill (SL)

JACK: Hiya Jill.

JILL: Hi Jack. Have the Squire’s bailiffs been yet?

SILLY BILLY: Yes, and so has the Squire

JILL: He didn’t try to evict your mum, did he?

JACK: No, Jill.

JILL: That’s good.

SILLY BILLY: He asked her to marry him instead.

JILL: I don’t believe it!

JACK: He’s desperate to get his hands on something of hers.

SILLY BILLY: And it’s not what you’re thinking either, Jill.

JACK: Priscilla’s just laid her fist egg, and it’s made of solid gold. (shows egg) Look!

JILL: But how can a goose lay a solid gold egg?

SILLY BILLY: A fairy appeared and waved her wand, and made it happen

JILL: Is it true, Priscilla? Did a fairy make you lay a gold egg?

Priscilla nods.

SILLY BILLY: See? And geese never lie.

JACK: And now the greedy Squire has persuaded mum to marry him.

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage.

M. GOOSE: Okay boys, let’s go and spend, spend, spend!

SILLY BILLY: Can I get an X-Box, mum?

M. GOOSE: You can have as many boxes as you like, Billy. What about you, Jack?

JACK: I wouldn’t mind a PlayStation.

M. GOOSE: Wouldn’t you rather have a real station instead?

JILL: They’re game consuls, Gladys.

M. GOOSE: I see. Would you like to come and help me pick out some sexy lingerie, Jill?

JILL: I’d love to.

M. GOOSE: Then let’s go and melt some plastic! You too, Priscilla

Exit all (SL)

Enter Sally and Orphans from cottage.

SALLY: Come along kids. I’ll take you back to the orphanage and treat you all to a McDonald’s on the way.

ORPHANS: (cheer) Hooray!

ORPHAN 1: It’ll make a change from eating cold gruel.