SCENE ONE
EIDER TOWN
Mother Goose’s cottage is [USR] Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
CHORUS 1: It’s lovely living here in Eider Town, isn’t it?
CHORUS 2: It would be even lovelier if it weren’t for miserable old Squire Blackheart.
CHORUS 3: Squire Blackheart’s the meanest, nastiest person I know.
Enter Squire Blackheart unseen [SL]
SQUIRE: [snaps] And I can be even meaner and nastier!
CHORUS: Squire Blackheart!
SQUIRE: I’m glad you’re all here, because it saves me having to visit your disgusting homes, to tell you your rents are going up again.
CHORUS 4: We can’t afford yet another rent rise, Squire.
SQUIRE: Oh, boo-hoo! I’ll evict anybody who doesn’t pay up, including the old biddy who lives there. [indicates mother Goose’s cottage]
CHORUS 1: You mean, Mother Goose?
CHORUS 2: The kindest, most loving person in all Eider Town.
SQUIRE: Bah! Love and kindness count for nothing in this world. Money and power are all that matters, and I want lots of both. My bailiffs will call round later with orders to evict all defaulters! [exits SL]
CHORUS 3: The Squire has just got meaner and nastier.
CHORUS 4: Even Mother Goose isn’t safe from him now.
Exit Chorus sadly [SR]
Enter Silly Billy [SL]
SILLY BILLY: Here, chick-chick! [to audience] Hello, there! I’m Billy Goose! Some people call me ‘Silly Billy’, but I’m not silly, really. Well, not all of the time. I’m searching for our goose, Priscilla. I took her for a walk earlier and managed to lose her. If Mum finds out, she’ll go mental, because Priscilla’s the love of her life. You haven’t seen the old bird, have you? Priscilla, I mean, not Mum. If you spot her, be sure to let me know, okay?
M. GOOSE: [singing off] #Oh what a beautiful morning…#
SILLY BILLY: That sounds like mum, now. I hope she doesn’t ask me about Priscilla.
Enter Mother Goose from the cottage, carrying a sweeping brush.
M. GOOSE: Hello, Billy, did Priscilla enjoy her walk this morning?
SILLY BILLY: Oh…er…yes, Mum.
M. GOOSE: Where is she then, Billy?
SILLY BILLY: Well, you see, Mum…what happened was…
M. GOOSE: Don’t tell me you’ve gone and lost her, Billy!
SILLY BILLY: All right then, I won’t.
M. GOOSE: You have, haven’t you! You’ve lost my precious Priscilla, the love of my life! How could you be so careless, Billy?
SILLY BILLY: It wasn’t my fault, Mum! I popped into a shop to get us both an ice-cream, and when I came back out, she’d gone.
M. GOOSE: Why didn’t you take her inside with you?
SILLY BILLY: The shop don’t allow giant geese inside.
M. GOOSE: Have you tried calling her?
SILLY BILLY: Yes, Mum. Haven’t I, boys and girls?
M. GOOSE: And how exactly did you call her, Billy?
SILLY BILLY: Like this. [calling] Here, chick-chick!
M. GOOSE: Fancy calling her like that! It’s no wonder everybody calls you, ‘Silly Billy’!
SILLY BILLY: What’s wrong with how I call her?
M. GOOSE: Because Priscilla’s a goose, not a chicken! [whacks his bum with broom]
SILLY BILLY: Owah! [jumps in air] I know she’s a goose!
M. GOOSE: Then try calling her by making a sound like a goose!
SILLY BILLY: But I don’t know what sound a goose makes.
M. GOOSE: Well, it’s…it sounds like…it’s sort of…
SILLY BILLY: See? Even you don’t know what sound a goose makes.
M. GOOSE: That’s because Priscilla’s always quiet and well-behaved. I can’t bear to think I might never see her again. [lifts skirt and blows her nose on it]
SILLY BILLY: Don’t worry, Mum, I’m sure I’ll find her.
M. GOOSE: I doubt you could find your own reflection in a mirror. I need some nerve tonic to calm me down; with lots of ice and lemon. [exits inside]
SILLY BILLY: It might help me find Priscilla if I knew what sound a goose makes. Do you know what sound a goose makes, boys and girls? What’s that? They honk! Of course! I’ll call her by honking! The only thing is I’ve got a terrible memory and I might forget. Will you help me out, boys and girls? If you hear me calling, ‘chick-chick’! Just shout, ‘honk-honk’, to remind me, okay? Let’s have a practice. I’ll go off then come on calling, ‘chick-chick’, and you put me right. [exits and re-enters] You can do better than that. [repeat business] That’s brill! I’ll carry on trying to find Priscilla. See you all later.
Here, chick-chick! [response] Thanks! [exits calling] Honk-honk!
Enter Mother Goose from the cottage carrying a basket of washing.
M. GOOSE: I thought I heard Priscilla, honking. Did anybody see a gorgeous goose just now? Never mind, I’ll just hang my washing out and try to take my mind off things for a bit. [puts basket down and starts pegging out washing. As she bends to pick another item from the basket. Priscilla enters [SL] waddles over and pecks her on the bum] Ooooh! Two pints, please, milkman! [turns] Priscilla! I’ve been worried sick about you. Where have you been? [Priscilla whispers] You’ve been down at the duck pond. [Priscilla nods] Why were you at the duck pond? [Priscilla whispers] You went for a gander? Naughty girl, Priscilla.
Enter Jack [SR]
JACK: Hello, Mum! [Priscilla gets animated] Priscilla’s a bit frisky this morning,
what’s she been up to?
M. GOOSE: I don’t know, Jack, but I’ll bet it happened down at the duck pond.
Enter Jill at a run [SL]
JILL: Jack! Mrs Goose!
JACK: You look all flustered, Jill, what’s the matter?
JILL: I’ve just heard some terrible news!
M. GOOSE: Don’t tell me Ant and Dec have given up TV presenting!
JILL: It’s worse than that, Mrs G.
M. GOOSE: I was being sarcastic, dear.
JILL: Squire Blackheart’s raising everybody’s rent again and his bailiffs will evict
anybody who can’t pay up.
M. GOOSE: And I’m one of them. I’m that poor, whenever I go to KFC, I have to lick
other people’s fingers.
JACK: Don’t you have anything put aside for a rainy day, Mum?
M. GOOSE: Only an umbrella, Jack. I was hoping to earn money by selling goose eggs, but Priscilla’s never laid a single one. [clutches her chest] The stress of it all is giving me palpitations. I need some more nerve tonic. There’s a bowl of corn round the back for you, Priscilla. [exits inside]
