Mother Goose (Perusal)

Scene One

Eider Town

The stage is set with stalls and bunting as for a fair, Jill and Villagers are onstage. Music cue 2: Jill & Chorus. After song ends…

Jill

I love the annual Goose Fair. Everybody is always so happy and carefree.

Villager 1

Everybody except for Squire Blackheart. He’s always miserable.

Villagers nod in agreement.

Villager 2

He keeps on raising our rents and evicts anyone who can’t pay.

Villager 3

(to Jill) Can’t you have a word with him, Jill?

Jill

And what makes you think he’ll listen to me?

Villager 1

Well you are his niece.

Jill

That’s true. Although I sometimes wish we weren’t related.

Villager 2

You know what they say. ‘You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family’.

Jill

I still believe that somewhere underneath all that nastiness, is the kind loveable uncle I once knew

Squire Blackheart enters unseen.

Villager 3

Squire Blackheart’s about as loveable as a bad-tempered skunk.

Squire

(furious) Is that so?

Villager 3

(startled) Squire Blackheart! I didn’t notice you there.

Squire

(snaps) Obviously! (to Villagers) I’m glad you’re all here.  It saves me visiting your stinking homes, to tell you that your rents are going up again.

Jill

The villagers can’t afford any more rent increases, uncle. And that includes my boyfriend’s family.

Squire

Don’t tell me you’re still going out with that loser, Jack Goose?

Jill

Jack’s not a loser! He’s brave and handsome, and kind, and…

Squire

…And will be evicted today, if his mother doesn’t pay her rent arrears in full.

Jill

(pleading) Surely not, uncle. Mother Goose is the sweetest, kindest, most honest woman I know.

Squire

Bah! Kindness and honesty count for nothing in this world. Money and power are all that matter and I want lots of both. (to Villagers) And you lot will be next, if you don’t keep up your payments. (exits SL)

Villager 4

Why is your uncle so mean and cruel, Jill?

Jill

I don’t know. But he’s certainly not the uncle I remember.

Villager 5

I’m off home before the bailiffs arrive.

Villagers

(variously) Me too. And me.

Villagers quickly exit (SR)

Jill

(to audience) I’d better go and warn Mother Goose. See you all later! (exits SR)

Silly Billy enters up (SL) shaking a bowl filled with corn.

S. Billy

Here chick-chick-chick! (spots audience) Hello there! I’m Billy Goose, and I’m looking for our pet goose, Priscilla. You see, I took her for a walk earlier and somehow managed to lose her. I was hoping she’d have made her own way home, to our cottage…(points to cottage)…there, but she hasn’t. Priscilla’s the love of mum’s life, and if she finds out I’ve lost her, she’ll go mental. She thinks more of that old goose, than she does her own flesh and blood. She even changed our surname to ‘Goose’ just to make Priscilla feel more at home. I’ve searched high and low and I can’t find Priscilla anywhere. You haven’t seen her, have you? (audience respond) Well if you spot her, be sure and let me know, okay?

 M. Goose

(singing off) #Oh what a beautiful morning#

S. Billy

That sounds like mum now. Not a word about Priscilla being lost, now.

Mother Goose enters from the cottage, carrying a sweeping-broom.

M. Goose

There you are you Billy. Did Priscilla enjoy her little walk, then?

S. Billy

Yes mum, but…

M. Goose

(looking past him)…Where is she, then?

S. Billy

Well you see mum, what happened was…

M. Goose

…Don’t say you’ve lost her.

S. Billy

All right then, I won’t.

M. Goose

(wails) You have! You’ve lost my precious Priscilla! The love of my life! How could you be so careless, Billy?

S. Billy

I didn’t lose her, mum. She ran away.

M. Goose

I don’t believe you. (sniffs him) You left her outside the pub again, didn’t you?

S. Billy

I only popped in for a half a shandy mum, honest!

M. Goose

Then why didn’t you take her inside with you?

S. Billy

They don’t allow geese in…(name of local pub) I told her to stay put until I came back out. And when I came out three hours later, she’d gone.

M. Goose

It took you three hours to drink half a shandy!

S. Billy

I’m a slow drinker.

M. Goose

You’re slow at everything. And did you tried calling her?

S. Billy

Yes, mum. (to audience) Didn’t I boys and girls?

M. Goose

And exactly how did you call her?

S. Billy

Like this. (calls) Here, chick-chick-chick!

M. Goose

You great twit! It’s no wonder everybody calls you ‘Silly Billy’, calling her like that.

S. Billy

What’s wrong with how I call her?

M. Goose

Priscilla’s a goose, not a flaming chicken! (on the word ‘Chicken’ and ‘goose’ she hits him on the bum with the broom)

SFX: Whack sound.

S. Billy

(jumps in the air) Owah! I know she’s a goose!

M. Goose

Then try calling her by making a sound like a goose.

S. Billy

But I don’t know what sound a goose makes. Priscilla’s always quiet and well behaved. Do you know what sound a goose makes?

M. Goose

Well it’s…it sounds like…it’s sort of…

S. Billy

See? Even you don’t know what sound a goose makes.

M. Goose

It’s because I’m too distraught, at the thought of never seeing my baby again. (cries and hoists her skirt and blows her nose on the hem)

S. Billy

I’m sorry, mum. Why don’t we both look for her together?

M. Goose

No, I’m too upset Billy. I’m going inside to have some nerve tonic. You go and look for her, son.

S. Billy

Okay, mum.

M. Goose

(turns to exit, then turns back and speaks softly) Oh, and Billy?

S. Billy

Yes mum?

M. Goose

(snaps) Don’t bother coming home without her!  (whacks him with the broom again and exits into cottage)

S. Billy

(to audience) How am I going to find a runaway goose? It might help if I knew what sound a goose makes. (to audience) Do any of you know what sound a goose makes? (audience respond)

SFX: Loud goose honking!

S. Billy

That’s it! Thanks! I’ll call Priscilla by making a honking sound and she’s bound to come home. (honks loudly) She’s obviously too far away to hear me. I’d better go and look for her. The only trouble is, I’ve got a terrible memory and might forget what I’m supposed to call. Will you help me out boys and girls? (audience respond) Great. If you hear me calling ‘chick-chick-chick’ just make a loud honking sound to remind me, okay? (audience respond) Thanks. Let’s have a little practice then. I’ll go off and come back on calling ‘chick-chick-chick’ and you all put me right. (exits and re-enters) That wasn’t very loud, was it? Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was much better. I’m off to find Priscilla now. (begins to exit calling) Here, chick-chick-chick! (audience respond) Thanks kids! (exits honking)

Mother Goose enters from the cottage carrying a basket of washing.

M. Goose

I thought I heard Priscilla! (looking around – to audience) Did anybody see a gorgeous goose, just now? (audience respond) Oh well, I’ll just my washing out and take my mind of things for a bit. (puts basket down and starts pegging out large bloomers with her back to SL as she bends to pick another item from the basket. Priscilla enters SL waddles over and pecks her on the bum) Ooohh!  Another special delivery, postie? (turns and sees Priscilla) Priscilla! (they hug) I’ve been worried sick about you! Where have you been? (Priscilla whispers) You’ve been to the village duck pond. (Priscilla nods) Why did you go to the duck pond? (Priscilla whispers) You went for a gander! Naughty girl, Priscilla.  Promise me you’ll never ever run off, again. (Priscilla nods) Good. Now have you seen Billy anywhere? Only he’s out searching for you. (Priscilla whispers) Billy couldn’t find his own reflection in a mirror? (Priscilla shakes head) That’s true.

Jack enters (SR)

Jack

Hello mum! (to Priscilla) Hello Priscilla. Did you enjoy your morning walk, earlier?

M. Goose

No, she didn’t. Billy lost her, but she managed to find her own way home again. (tickling her under the chin) Didn’t you, my clever girl?

Priscilla gets animated.

Jack

Priscilla’s a bit frisky this morning, mum. What’s she been up to?

M. Goose

I don’t know, but I’ll bet it happened down at the duck pond.

Priscilla nods and does a little dance.

Jill enters (SL)

Jill

(urgently) Jack! Mrs Goose!

Jack

(concerned) Whatever’s the matter Jill?

Jill

I have some bad news for you.

M. Goose

Don’t tell me the council’s cut the bin collections, to once a month now?

Jill

It’s worse than that, Mrs G.

Jack

What is it, Jill?

Jill

My rotten uncle Squire Blackheart, is raising everybody’s rent and threatening to evict anyone who doesn’t pay up.

M. Goose

The swine! He can’t throw me out of my lovely home!

Jill

I’m afraid he can. And he’s sending his bailiff’s around today to collect.

M. Goose

But I don’t have the money to pay them. I’m that poor, whenever I go to KFC I have to lick other people’s fingers.

Jill

Don’t you have anything put aside for a rainy day?

M. Goose

Only an umbrella. I was hoping to earn money selling goose eggs, but Priscilla’s never laid a one. (clutches chest) Oooh! The stress of it all is giving me palpitations. I’d better have another tot of Jack Daniels…I mean, nerve tonic. (to Priscilla) There’s a plate of corn around the back for you Priscilla. (exits into cottage)

Priscilla exits to one side of cottage.

Jack

(to Jill) Why can’t your uncle be as nice as you, Jill?

Jill

Perhaps if he had somebody to love, like I have Jack.

Jack

You mean, a boyfriend!?

Jill

No! I meant somebody to love, like I have you.

Jack

Oh, I see! (takes her hands in his) We’re so lucky to have each other Jill.

Music cue 3: Jack & Jill. After song ends…

Jill

I’m going to try and persuade uncle not to raise the villager’s rents. Coming Jack?

Jack

No I think I’d better stay here, in case the bailiffs show up.

Jill

Okay Jack, see you later then. Bye! (exits SR)

Jack

I’d better go and see that mum doesn’t drink too much, ‘nerve tonic’. See you later boys and girls.  (waves and exits into cottage)

Biff and Bash enter (SL)

Biff

Here we are Bash. Mother Goose’s cottage. Now go and knock on her door.

Bash
(uneasy) Why don’t you knock on her door, Biff?

Biff

Don’t tell me you’re scared of a feeble old woman?

Bash

You’ve never met Mother Goose, have you?

Biff

No, but I’m sure she’s no different to any other old woman.

Bash

Just wait ‘til you’ve met her.

Silly Billy enters (SR) walking backwards and making clucking noises.

S. Billy

Here, chick-chick-chick! (audience respond)

S. Billy
Thanks kids! (spots Biff & Bash) Hello there! Can I help you?

Bash

(to S. Billy) Who are you?

S. Billy

I’m Billy Goose and I live in that…(pointing to cottage)…cottage with my mum, my brother Jack and our goose Priscilla.

Biff

It’s your mum we’re here to see.

S. Billy

Are you the new window cleaners? Because if you are, allow me to apologise for what you saw through the bathroom window yesterday. You see mum used to play a little game of window cleaner’s knock, with her previous window cleaner.

Bash

What’s window cleaner’s knock?

S. Billy

It’s the same as postman’s knock, only you see a lot more.

Biff

We’re not window cleaners.

S. Billy

Well if you’re milkmen. I must apologise for that note mum left this morning. ‘It should’ve read ‘2 extra pints please’ not ‘please come upstairs for something extra.’

Bash

We’re not milkmen either.

S. Billy

I hope you’re not the breadmen. Because nothing I can say, will make up for what she called your crusty cobs.

Biff

We’re not window cleaners, milkmen or breadmen.

S. Billy

Then who are you?

Bash

We’re bailiffs.

S. Billy

(startled) Bailiffs!

Biff

Your mum’s behind with her rent again.

Bash

And if she doesn’t pay up, out she goes.

Biff

Now go and fetch the old bird out there.

S. Billy

I’m afraid Priscilla’s not in. I’ve been searching for her all day.

Biff

I meant, your mum.

S. Billy

(trying to put them off) She’s not in either.

Bash

I don’t believe you.

Mother Goose enters from cottage.

M. Goose

(to Billy) Oh, you’re back Billy. (indicating Biff & Bash) Who’s your friends?

S. Billy

They’re not my friends, mum. They’re Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs.

M. Goose

(exclaims) Bailiffs!? (about turns, runs into cottage and slams the door shut)

Biff

Who was that?

S. Billy

(thinking quickly) Oh…that was my…erm…my auntie!

Biff

But you just called her ‘mum’.

S. Billy

We’re very close.

Bash

You can’t fool us. (knocks on the door, then bends down to shout through the letterbox) Come out Mother Goose, or we’ll be forced to act!

Biff

(to Bash) I thought we already were.

Priscilla appears in wing and jerks her head at Bailiffs to indicate that she’s seen them. Bailiffs have their backs to the wing where Priscilla is.

S. Billy

(whispers to audience) Shall I let her do it, Kids? Shall I? (audience respond – he hisses to Priscilla and points to Bailiffs) Kill girl!

Priscilla rushes on and pecks Bash on the bottom, then exits.

Bash
(jumps up) Owah!

Biff

What’s the matter?

Bash

Somebody just kicked me on the bum!

Biff

Well don’t look at me!

Bash

(unconvinced) You shout through the letterbox, this time.

Biff

Okay. (bends and shouts through the letterbox) Come out, Mother Goose!

Priscilla rushes on and pecks Biff on the bottom, then exits.

Biff

(jumps up) Owah!

Bash

What’s the matter?

Biff

Somebody kicked me on the bum, that time!

Bash

(pointing at S. Billy) It must’ve been him!

Bailiffs turn and move downstage to S. Billy. At the same time, Priscilla enters and follows behind them.

Biff

(threatening S. Billy) Listen here, you! Stop kicking us in the pants, or else!

S. Billy

I didn’t. Anyway, it was a peck not a kick.

Bash

You pecked us on the bum!?

S. Billy

Not me, our goose Priscilla.

Biff

You’re having us on.

S. Billy

No, I’m not. She’s right behind you.

Bash

I don’t believe you.

S. Billy

Introduce yourself, Priscilla.

SFX:
Loud honking.

Priscilla pecks Bailiffs on the bum.

Bailiffs

Owah! (turn and spot Priscilla)

Biff

It’s a giant goose!

Bash

(to Biff) Run for it!

SFX: Loud honking.

Bailiffs run off around stage chased by Priscilla, who constantly pecks at them before they eventually run offstage.

S. Billy

Well done Priscilla. Those bailiffs won’t be back in a hurry.

M. Goose

(peeks around the cottage door) Have those bailiffs gone Billy?

S. Billy

Yes, mum.

Mother Goose enters from cottage, followed by Jack.

Jack

What did they want?

S. Billy

They we’re threatening to mum throw out, for non-payment of rent. (acting tough) But I sent them packing.

Jack

That was unusually brave of you Billy.

S. Billy

Still waters run deep, Jack.

Jack

Yes, but I’ve always thought of you as more of a small puddle.

M. Goose

‘Big drip’, more like

Priscilla honks angrily at Silly Billy, and shoves/kicks him.

SFX: Loud honking.

S. Billy
(reluctantly) Oh, and Priscilla helped a bit.

Sally enters (SR)

Sally

(to the others) Hello! I wonder if you could help me out?

S. Billy

Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Sally

I’m looking for Mother Goose. Do you know her?

Jack

(wryly) Only too well.

M. Goose

I’m Mother Goose. ‘Ere, you’re not with the Bailiffs, are you?

Sally

(puzzled) Bailiffs?

Jack

They were here just now, trying to evict us.

M. Goose

But my son Billy…(indicates S. Billy)…and our goose Priscilla, chased them off.

Sally

(to S. Billy) You must be very brave to fight off two big tough bailiffs, Billy.

S. Billy

(swaggers) It was nothing really.

Sally

(spots Priscilla and looks past S. Billy at her) Well aren’t you the handsome one!

S. Billy

(thinks she’s talking to him) Well I have washed and combed my hair this morning.

Sally

I’ve never seen a more gorgeous creature.

S. Billy

Well it’s very nice of you to say so.

Sally

Come here and let me give you a big sloppy kiss.

S. Billy

(all bashful – turns away) Oh, gosh!

Priscilla also turns away shyly,

Sally

Don’t be shy, you know you want to. Now turn around and let me plant one on you.

S. Billy

If you insist. (turns with eyes closed and lips puckered for a kiss)

Priscilla turns and goes to Sally, who plants a big kiss on her beak.

M. Goose

(to Sally) ‘Ere, what do you think you’re doing snogging my goose?

S. Billy
Eh!? (opens his eyes and realises his mistake – to Sally) You were talking about Priscilla?

Sally

Yes. Why? Who did you think I was talking about?

S. Billy

(all innocent) Erm…nobody, really.

Sally realises and giggles.

M. Goose

(to Sally) Who are you anyway?

Sally

I’m Sally, the Goose Girl. I’ve come here to look for a job and a place to live.

Jack

What does a goose girl do then?

Sally

They look after geese, of course. Although I’ve never had any of my own.

Jack

Mum’s had more gooses than anybody we know. (to M. Goose) Haven’t you mum?

M. Goose

(preening) Well, I can’t complain. (to Sally) I can’t afford to employ you, I’m afraid. But you’re welcome to stay with us, until you’ve found yourself a job.

Sally

That’s very kind of you. (calls off SR) It’s all right kids! Mother Goose said we can stay with her!

Children run on excitedly (SR) and gather around Mother Goose.

S. Billy

Where did all these kids come from?

Jack

(to M. Goose) I think it’s time you told Billy all about the birds and the bees, mum.

S. Billy

I meant, where do they live?

Sally

Nowhere. I was passing by the orphanage earlier and found them all sitting on the pavement, crying. It seems they’d just been evicted by Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs. I couldn’t leave them there like that, so I told them to come with me and I’d try and find a lady kind enough to take them in.

Child 1

We’ve never had a real mummy to look after us.

M. Goose

(getting tearful) You’ve never had a mummy look after you?

Children

(sadly) Never.

M. Goose

(crying) Never had a mummy to tuck you in at night and read you a bedtime story?

Child 2

(looking up at M. Goose) What’s a bedtime story?

M. Goose

(bawls) That’s so sad! (to Children) Don’t worry kids, you can all stay with me for as long as you want.

Children

Thank you, Mother Goose!

M. Goose

(to Children) Are you hungry kids?

Child 3

We’re always hungry!

M. Goose

(to Children) Then come inside and I’ll see what I can scrape up for you.

Mother Goose leads the Children inside, followed by Sally.

Jack

Am I right in thinking you fancy Sally, Billy?

S. Billy

Nah! I’ve gone right off girls.

Music cue 4: Fairy Day enters (SR)

Fairy Day

Mother Goose is poor, but has a heart of gold,
So, I’m going to bring to her riches untold,
No more will she struggle her family to feed,
For the goose, will supply her every need. (waves her wand)

S. Billy

(rushes to protect Priscilla) We’ll never eat Pricilla!

Fairy Day

The spell’s been cast, now off I fly,
But we’ll meet again, bye and bye. (exits)

Jack

(to Jack – disbelieving) That was a fairy we saw just now, wasn’t it?

S. Billy

I’m not sure. I’ll ask the boys and girls. (to audience) Was a fairy here just now? (audience respond)

Jack

I’m still not convinced. I’ll ask Priscilla. (to Priscilla) Priscilla, was a fairy here just now? (Priscilla nods)

S. Billy

That settles it, the fairy was real. Everybody knows that geese don’t lie.

SFX: Loud honking.

Priscilla squats.

Jack

What’s Priscilla doing?

S. Billy

I think she’s laying an egg.

Jack

That’ll be a first, then.

Priscilla gives a loud honk and drops a golden egg.

S. Billy

Priscilla’s a mummy!

Jack

(picks up the egg and realises it’s solid gold) Cor! This egg’s made of solid gold!

S. Billy

(checks the egg) Solid g…g…g…gold!

Jack

You know what this means, don’t you Billy?

S. Billy

Yes, my stammer’s come back.

Jack

No, it means we’re rich!

They both link arms and dance around chanting.

Jack/Billy

We’re rich! We’re rich! We rich!

Mother Goose runs in from the cottage, followed by Sally.

M. Goose

What’s all the kerfuffle?

S. Billy

Priscilla’s just laid an egg, mum!

M. Goose

About time, too! Now I can make a nice omelette for supper.

Jack

I don’t think so mum.

M. Goose

It’s not off, is it?

S. Billy

Well it’s off the menu, that’s for sure.

M. Goose

What are you talking about, Billy?

Jack

Look mum! (hands her the egg) It’s solid gold!

M. Goose

(checks it) It’s true! It’s 24 carat gold!

Sally

But how can a goose lay solid gold eggs?

M. Goose
Priscilla’s a very clever goose.

Sally

Miraculous, more like.

S. Billy

It’s was a fairy wot did it.

M. Goose

Don’t be daft Billy, fairies don’t exist.

Jack

It’s true, mum. She said she was rewarding you for being so good and kind.

Sally

Well you did take in all those little orphans, Mother Goose.

M. Goose

I did, didn’t I?  (fussing Priscilla) Who’s a clever little, goose then?

S. Billy

The fairy waved her and made it happen, mum.

M. Goose

Yes, but Priscilla did most of the hard work.

Jack

And now we’ll never be poor or hungry again.