Mother Goose (Perusal)

Scene One

Eider Village

Chorus are onstage. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…

Chorus 1 I love living here in Eiderdown Village. Everybody is always so happy and carefree.

Chorus 2 Apart from Squire Blackheart, that is.

Chorus 3 He’s always miserable.

Chorus 4 He keeps raising our rents and threatens to evict anybody who can’t pay.

Enter Squire Blackheart unseen (SL)

Chorus 5 Squire Blackheart’s the meanest, cruellest person I know.

Squire (snaps) And I can be even meaner and crueller!

Chorus 6 Squire Blackheart! We didn’t notice you there.

Squire Obviously not! I’m glad you’re all here. Because it saves me from having to visit your stinking homes, to tell you that your rents are going up again.

Chorus 1 We can’t afford these constant rent rises, Squire.

Squire Anybody who doesn’t pay up, will be evicted. Including the old biddy who lives there.

Chorus 2 But that’s where Mother Goose lives.

Chorus 3 And she’s the kindest, most decent woman in all of Eiderdown Village.

Squire Bah! Kindness and decency count for nothing in this world. Money and power are all that matters, and I want lots of both. My bailiffs will be calling round later, with orders to evict anybody who doesn’t pay up. (exits SL laughing)

Chorus 4 I didn’t think the Squire could get any meaner.

Chorus 5 He won’t be happy until he’s driven everybody out of Eiderdown.

Chorus 6 Including poor Mother Goose.

Exit Chorus sadly (SR)

Enter Silly Billy (SL)

S. Billy Here chick-chick-chick! (spots audience) Hello there! I’m Billy Goose, and I’m looking for our pet goose, Priscilla. I took her for a walk earlier and somehow managed to lose her. Priscilla’s the love of mum’s life, and if she finds out I’ve lost her, she’ll go mental. She thinks more of that old goose, than she does her own flesh and blood. I’ve searched high and low, and I can’t find her anywhere. You haven’t seen her, have you? (response) Well if you do spot her, be sure and let me know, okay?

M. Goose (singing off) #Oh what a beautiful morning#

S. Billy That sounds like mum, now.

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage, carrying a sweeping brush.

M. Goose Hello Billy. Did Priscilla enjoy her little walk, this morning?

S. Billy Yes mum.

M. Goose (looking past him)…Where is she then?

S. Billy Well you see mum, what happened was…

M. Goose…Don’t tell me you’ve gone and lost her, Billy!

S. Billy All right then, I won’t.

M. Goose You have! Haven’t you? You’ve lost my precious Priscilla! The love of my life! How could you be so careless, Billy?

S. Billy It wasn’t my fault, mum. I popped into a shop to get us both an ice-cream. And when I came back out, she’d gone.

M. Goose Why didn’t you take her inside with you?

S. Billy The shop doesn’t allow giant geese inside.

M. Goose Have you tried calling her?

S. Billy Yes, mum. Haven’t I boys and girls?

M. Goose And exactly how did you call her, Billy?

S. Billy Like this. (calls) Here, chick-chick-chick!

M. Goose Fancy calling her like that. It’s no wonder everybody calls you, Silly Billy.

S. Billy What’s wrong with how I call her?

M. Goose Because Priscilla’s a goose, not a flaming chicken! (on the words chicken and goose she hits him on the bum with the broom)

S. Billy (jumps in the air when hit) Owah! I know she’s a goose, mum!

M. Goose Then try calling her by making a sound like a goose.

S. Billy But I don’t know what sound a goose makes.

M. Goose Well it’s…it sounds like…it’s a sort of…

S. Billy See? Even you don’t know what sound a goose makes.

M. Goose That’s because Priscilla is always quiet and well-behaved. And now I might never see her again. (lifts her skirt and blows her nose on it)

S. Billy Don’t worry, mum. I’m sure I’ll find her eventually.

M. Goose You couldn’t find your own reflection in a mirror! I’m going inside for some nerve tonic to calm me down. (exits inside)

S. Billy How am I going to find a runaway goose? It might help if I knew what sound a goose makes. (to audience) Do any of you know what sound a goose makes? (response) A honk! Of course! I’ll call Priscilla by shouting, honk-honk! Mind you, I’ve got a terrible memory and might forget. Will you help me out boys and girls? If you hear me calling chick-chick-chick! Just shout, honk-honk! To remind me, okay? Let’s have a practice then. I’ll go off and come back on calling chick-chick-chick, and you put me right. (exits and re-enters) That wasn’t loud enough. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was much better. I’m off to try and find Priscilla now. Here, chick-chick-chick! (response) Thanks! (shouts) Honk-honk! (exits calling) Honk-honk!

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage carrying a basket of washing.

M. Goose I thought I heard Priscilla, just then. (to audience) Did anybody see a gorgeous goose, just now? Oh, well. I’ll just hang my washing out and take my mind of things for a bit. (puts basket down and starts pegging out large comedy bloomers. As she bends to pick another item from the basket. Priscilla enters SL waddles over and pecks her on the bum) Ooooh! Another special delivery, postie? (turns) Priscilla! I’ve been worried sick about you! Where have you been? (Priscilla whispers) You’ve been to the village duck pond. (Priscilla nods) Why did you go to the duck pond? (Priscilla whispers) You went for a gander! Naughty girl, Priscilla. Promise me you’ll never ever run away, again. (Priscilla nods) Good.

Enter Jack (SR)

Jack Hello mum! (Priscilla gets animated) Priscilla’s a bit frisky this morning, mum. What’s she been up to?

M. Goose I don’t know, but I’ll bet it happened down at the duck pond.

Enter Jill at a run (SL)

Jill Jack! Mrs Goose!

Jack Hello, Jill. You look in a bit of a hurry.

Jill I’ve just heard some terrible news!

M. Goose Don’t tell me…(current cheesy pop band)…have released another record?

Jill It’s worse than that, Mrs G. Squire Blackheart is raising everybody’s rent again, and threatening to evict anybody who doesn’t pay up.

M. Goose The rotten swine!

Jill And he’s sending his bailiff’s round today to collect.

M. Goose But I don’t have any money to pay them. I’m that poor, whenever I go to KFC I have to lick other people’s fingers.

Jill Don’t you have anything put aside for a rainy day?

M. Goose Only an umbrella. I was hoping to earn some money, by selling goose eggs. But Priscilla has never laid a single one. (clutches her chest) The stress of it all, is giving me palpitations. I need some more nerve tonic, with ice and lemon. There’s a nice plate of corn around the back for you, Priscilla. (exits into cottage)

Exit Priscilla (USL)

Jack Why can’t the Squire be nice, like most people in Eiderdown, Jill?

Jill Maybe he just needs some love in his life, Jack.

Jack I can’t imagine anybody loving the Squire.

Jill I believe that there’s someone for everybody, in this world, Jack.

Jack And I’m glad I’ve found the somebody for me in you, Jill.

Jill Likewise, Jack. Music cue 3: Jack and Jill. After song ends…

M. Goose (singing off) #Little old wine drinker me#

Jack I think I’d better go and make sure mum doesn’t have too much nerve tonic, Jill.

Jill Okay, Jack. Tell her to watch out for the Squire, and I’ll see you later. (exits SR)

M. Goose (singing off) #Drink! Drink! Let the toast start#

Jack That’s enough mum! (exits inside quickly)

Enter Biff and Bash (SL)

Biff Here we are Bash. Mother Goose’s cottage. Now, you go and knock on her door.

Bash Why don’t you knock on her door, Biff?

Biff Don’t tell me you’re scared of a feeble old woman?

Bash You’ve never met Mother Goose, have you?

Biff No, but I’m sure she’s no different to any other old woman.

Bash Well I have. And I can assure you, she’s like no other woman you’ve ever met.

Enter Silly Billy (SR)

S. Billy Here, chick-chick-chick! (response) Thanks! Honk-honk!

Biff What are you doing?

S. Billy I’m calling my goose.

Bash You’re Billy Goose, aren’t you?

S. Billy That’s right. Who are you?

Biff We’re Squire Blackheart bailiffs.

S. Billy Bailiffs! What are you doing here?

Bash We’re here to see your mum.

S. Billy What about?

Biff She’s got a little behind.

S. Billy Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

Bash I meant, with her rent!

S. Billy And what if she can’t afford to pay up?

Biff Then out she goes.

S. Billy She’s not in at the moment.

Bash I don’t believe you.

Enter Mother Goose from cottage.

M. Goose I thought I heard you, Billy. You’ll be pleased to know that Priscilla managed to find her own way home.

S. Billy That’s good.

M. Goose (indicating Biff & Bash) Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends, Billy?

S. Billy They’re not my friends, mum. They’re Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs.

M. Goose (exclaims) Bailiffs!? Excuse me! (exits into cottage and slams door shut)

Biff I thought you said your mum was out?

S. Billy She is.

Bash Then who was that woman just now?

S. Billy That was my…um…auntie!

Biff Then why did you just call her, mum?

S. Billy We’re very close. She’s like a second mum to me.

Bash You can’t fool us. (bend to look through the letterbox) Come out Mother Goose, or we shall be forced to act!

Biff I thought we already were acting.

Enter Priscilla in the wing (USL) looks at Bailiffs and makes pecking movements. The Bailiffs have their backs to the wing where Priscilla is and don’t notice her.

S. Billy (whispers to audience) Shall I let her do it, boys and girls? Shall I? (response) All right then, I will. (whispers to Priscilla) Go get ‘em girl!

Priscilla rushes over and pecks Bash on the bottom, then exits again (USL)

Bash (jumps up) Owah!

Biff What’s the matter with you?

Bash Somebody just nipped me on the bum!

Biff Well it wasn’t me!

Bash (turns to S. Billy) Then it must’ve been you!

S. Billy It wasn’t me!

Biff Oh yes, it was!

S. Billy Oh no it wasn’t!

Bash (to Biff) You shout through the letterbox this time, while I keep an eye on him.

Biff All right then.

Bash (dragging S. Billy downstage) You come down here with me, out of the way.

Enter Priscilla in the wing (USL)

S. Billy (glances at Priscilla – then points over the audience) Isn’t that Squire Blackheart just coming in?

Bash (looking out) Where?

Biff (bends and shouts through letterbox) Come out, Mother Goose! (Priscilla rushes on and pecks Biff on the bottom and exits as before) Owah! (jumps up)

Bash (turns) What’s the matter, now?

Biff Somebody just nipped me on the bum!

S. Billy Well, it can’t have been either of us. We were nowhere near you.

Bash He’s right, you know.

Biff (joins the others downstage) There’s something funny going on here.

S. Billy That’ll make a change from last year’s panto, then.

Bash (to S. Billy) You’d better tell us what’s going on, or else.

S. Billy Are you threatening me?

Biff & Bash Yes!

S. Billy In that case, I’ll threaten you with a goose.

Biff So, it was you who pinched our bottoms!

Enter Priscilla, who moves behind them.

S. Billy No! I meant our goose, Priscilla. And she’s right behind you.

Bash I don’t believe you.

S. Billy Introduce yourself, Priscilla.

SFX: Loud honking.

Bailiffs turn and spot Priscilla.

Biff It’s a giant goose!

Priscilla attacks Bailiffs.

Bash Run for it, Biff!

Bailiffs run off around stage chased by Priscilla.

SFX: Loud honking.

Exit Biff and Bash (SL)

S. Billy Well done Priscilla. Those bailiffs won’t be back again in a hurry.

M. Goose (opens cottage door) Have those bailiffs gone yet, Billy?

S. Billy Yes mum.

Enter Mother Goose from cottage, followed by Jack.

Jack What did they want?

S. Billy They wanted to mum throw out, for non-payment of rent. But, I sent them packing.

Jack I didn’t know you had it in you, Billy.

S. Billy Still waters run deep, Jack.

M. Goose Yes, but you’re more of a shallow puddle.

SFX: Loud honking.

Priscilla honks at Silly Billy and kicks him.

S. Billy Ouch! Priscilla helped me out a bit.

Enter Sally (SR)

Sally Hello there! I’m looking for Mother Goose. Do you know her?

Jack Only too well.

M. Goose I’m Mother Goose. You’re not with Squire Blackheart’s Bailiffs, are you?

Sally (puzzled) What bailiffs?

S. Billy Two big tough bailiffs were here just now, trying to evict mum. But me and our goose Priscilla, chased them away.

Sally (looking past S. Billy at Priscilla) Well, aren’t you the big brave, handsome one.

S. Billy (mistaken) Well, it’s very nice of you to say so.

Sally I’ve never seen a more beautiful creature.

S. Billy Stop it. You’ll make me blush.

Sally Come here and let me give you a big sloppy kiss.

S. Billy (all bashful – turns away) I’m too shy.

Priscilla also turns away shyly.

Sally Don’t be shy, you know you want to. Now turn around and let me plant one on you.

S. Billy If you insist. (turns with eyes closed and lips puckered)

Priscilla turns and Sally goes and plants a big kiss on her beak.

M. Goose ‘Ere, what do you think you’re doing snogging my goose?

S. Billy Eh!? (opens his eyes – to Sally) You were talking about, Priscilla?

Sally Yes. Who did you think I was talking about?

S. Billy (sheepish) Oh…nobody, really.

M. Goose (to Sally) Who are you, dear?

Sally I’m Sally the Goose Girl. And I’m looking for a job.

Jack What does a goose girl do then?

Sally They look after geese, of course.

M. Goose Where are they then?

Sally Where are what?

M. Goose All these geese you’re looking after.

Sally I only look after other people’s geese. I’ve never had any of my own.

S. Billy Mum’s had lots of gooses. Haven’t you mum?

M. Goose I’ve had my fair share.

Sally Do you have any geese that need looking after?

Jack We only have the one.

Sally Then I doubt you’ll need me to look after one goose.

M. Goose No, but you could probably do a bit of babysitting for me.

Sally You have a baby!?

M. Goose Yes, and her name’s Priscilla.

Sally No offence, but aren’t you a bit too old to have a baby?

M. Goose Priscilla’s my goose! And I’m not too old for anything, thank you!

Enter Orphans trudging on (SR)

S. Billy Where did all these kids come from?

Jack Listen, Billy. When two people love each other very much…

S. Billy…I know about that all stuff, Jack. I meant, where do they live?

Orphan 1 We’re all homeless.

Sally How come you’re all homeless?

Orphan 2 We’ve just been evicted from the orphanage, by Squire Blackheart’s bailiffs.

Jack I didn’t think even Squire Blackheart would sink that low.

Orphan 3 And we’re looking for a nice kind person to take us in.

Orphan 4 Will you take us in, Mother Goose?

Orphan 5 We’ve never had a real mummy to look after us.

M. Goose You’ve never had a mummy look after you?

Children (sadly) No.

M. Goose Never had a mummy to tuck you in at night and read you a bedtime story?

Orphan 6 (looking up at M. Goose) What’s a bedtime story?

M. Goose (to audience) It’s heart-rending stuff, isn’t it?

Jack We can’t leave them all homeless, mum.

M. Goose You’re right, Jack.

Sally Are you going to take them all in, Mother Goose?

M. Goose Listen, dear. (pointing) That’s a cottage, not a Premier Inn. Now, bring them inside while I phone the social services.

Exit Sally, Mother Goose and Children inside the cottage.

S. Billy Gosh that Sally’s pretty, isn’t she Jack? I wonder if she has a boyfriend.

Jack Do you fancy her, Billy?

S. Billy Whatever gave you that idea?

Music cue 4: Enter Fairy (SR)

Fairy Day Mother Goose is good and kind,

But poverty is her biggest bind.

She struggles her own family to feed,

Now a goose will supply, their every need. (waves her wand)

The spell has been cast, and now I must fly,

But we’ll all meet again, by and by. (exits)

S. Billy That was a fairy we saw just now wasn’t it, Jack?

Jack I’m not sure. (to audience) Was a fairy here just now, boys and girls? (response)

S. Billy I’m still not convinced.

Jack I’ll ask Priscilla. Was a fairy here just now, Priscilla? (Priscilla nods)

S. Billy That settles it then, the fairy was real. Everybody knows that geese never lie.

Jack I wonder what she meant by saying, a goose will supply their every need?

S. Billy I don’t know. Maybe Priscilla is going to start laying eggs.

Jack I’ll believe that when I see it.

SFX:Loud honking.

Priscilla squats.

S. Billy I think Priscilla’s about to lay an egg, Jack

Jack That’ll be a first, then.

Priscilla gives a loud honk and drops a golden egg.

S. Billy She has laid an egg!

Jack Well done Priscilla! (picks up the egg) Gosh, this egg is heavy.

S. Billy Maybe it’s a double-yolker.

Jack No, Billy. It’s solid gold!

S. Billy It can’t be.

Jack See for yourself.

S. Billy (checks the egg) You’re right, Jack! It’s even got an assay stamp on it.

Jack You know what this means, don’t you Billy?

S. Billy At a wild guess. I think it means, we’re rich.

Jack Yes, Billy. It also means that fairy was as good as her word.

They both link arms and dance around chanting.

Jack & Billy We’re rich! We’re rich! We’re rich!

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage.

M. Goose What’s all the kerfuffle?

S. Billy Priscilla has just laid an egg, mum!

M. Goose And about time, too. Now we can have a nice omelette for tea.

Jack I don’t think so mum.

M. Goose It’s not off, is it?

S. Billy Well, it’s off the menu that’s for sure.

M. Goose What are you talking about, Billy?

Jack The egg is solid gold, mum! Look!

M. Goose (checks it) Well I never! It is solid gold! (to Priscilla) Who’s a clever girl then?

S. Billy It’s was a fairy wot did it, mum.

M. Goose Don’t talk daft Billy. Fairies don’t lay eggs.

S. Billy I mean, she made Priscilla lay a gold egg.

Jack It’s true, mum. She said she was going to reward you for being good and kind.

S. Billy And you did take all those little orphans in, mum?

Jack Only temporarily, Billy.

M. Goose It’s the thought that counts, Jack. And now we’ll never be poor or hungry, ever again.

Enter Squire (SL) followed by Biff and Bash.

Squire Mother Goose! I want a word with you!

M. Goose What do you want face ache?

Squire I want to know why your vicious goose, attacked my bailiffs.

M. Goose You’d do the same, if you’d been disturbed right in the middle of your egg laying.

Squire What are you talking about? I’ve never laid an egg in my life.

Biff And neither has your old goose.

Priscilla nods.

S. Billy Oh yes, she has!

Biff & Bash Oh no, she hasn’t!

M. Goose Oh yes, she has! Hasn’t she boys and girls?

Priscilla nods.

Jack It’s true, Squire. (shows him the egg) See?

Squire This egg is solid gold!

M. Goose Yes. Which means I’m now rich enough to buy my cottage outright.

Squire You know, Gladys. I’ve always considered you a very attractive woman.

M. Goose I must say, you’ve hidden it well.

Squire I’ve often wanted to expose my feelings to you, but I’ve always been too shy.

M. Goose Never mind, you can expose yourself after we’re married.

Squire (exclaims) Married!?

M. Goose This is a marriage proposal, isn’t it?

Squire (blustering) No…I mean…yes! That’s exactly what it is, Gladys.

M. Goose Then the answer’s, yes! On one condition.

Squire Just name it.

M. Goose You let all those little orphans back into their orphanage for good.

Squire Consider it done. I’ll go and get spruced up, and then we’ll go out and celebrate our engagement. See you later my golden girl. (to Biff & Bash) Let’s go.

Exit Squire, Biff and Bash.

Jack You can’t marry Squire Blackheart mum! He’s just a gold digger.

M. Goose And I’ll show him the best place to dig for it.

S. Billy He’s only after one thing, mum.

M. Goose Aren’t most men? Now if you’ll excuse me. I have a shopping trip to plan. (exits inside)

Jack The sudden acquisition of wealth has obviously affected her mind.

S. Billy Be honest, Jack. It was pretty affected beforehand.

Enter Jill (SL)

Jack Hiya Jill.

Jill Hi Jack. Have the Squire’s bailiffs been yet?

S. Billy Yes, and so has the Squire

Jill He didn’t try to evict your mum, did he?

Jack No, Jill.

Jill That’s good.

S. Billy He asked her to marry him instead.

Jill I don’t believe it.

Jack He’s desperate to get hold of something of mum’s.

S. Billy And it’s not what you’re thinking either, Jill.

Jack Priscilla has just laid her fist egg, and it’s made of solid gold. (shows egg) Look!

Jill But how can a goose lay a solid gold egg?

S. Billy A fairy appeared and waved her wand and made it happen

Jill I don’t believe in fairies, Billy.

Jack Then how else can you explain Priscilla laying a solid gold egg?

Jill Is it true, Priscilla? Was it a fairy who made you lay a gold egg?

Priscilla nods.

S. Billy See? And everybody knows that geese don’t lie.

Jack And now the greedy Squire has persuaded mum to marry him.

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage.

M. Goose Okay boys let’s go shopping! Would you like to come too, Jill? You could help me in the lingerie department.

Jill I’d love to.

M. Goose Then let’s go and melt some plastic. You too, Priscilla

Exit all (SL)

Enter Sally and Orphans from cottage.

Sally Mother Goose has given me some money to take you all to McDonald’s, kids. Before taking you back to the orphanage.

Orphan 1 It’ll certainly make a change from eating gruel. Music cue 5: Sally and Orphans. As song nears the end, Sally leads them off (SL)