Jack And The Beanstalk Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Of Mutch Twittering

Full stage typical village exterior scene depicting a market place in full swing. Villagers perform a lively opening number with Jack. Music cue 4: Villagers & Jack. After number ends…

Jack

That was great fun, wasn’t it?

Villagers

(variously) Yes! It sure was!

SFX: Lights flicker and thunder rolls.

Villagers react by looking up in fear.

Villager 1

(to audience) It sounds like Snot the Giant’s moving his furniture about again.

Villager 2

I hate being always reminded of him up there.

Jack

One day I’ll bring him down to earth, just wait and see.

Villager 3

But how will you do it, Jack?

Jack

I don’t know, but I’m constantly thinking of a plan.

Villager 4

I’ve already thought of a plan.

Jack

And what plan’s that then?

Villager 1

I plan to leave and live somewhere else.

Villagers nod and agree.

Giant

Fee-fi-fo-fum!

Lighting changes to a sinister state and Villagers exit screaming.

Jack

(shaking his fist at the sky) One day Snot! One day! (to audience) I’d better go and check on our cow, Buttercup. The Giant’s roar always makes her nervous. See you later, boys and girls. (exits SR)

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash (SL)

Witch Hazel enters (DSL) astride a broomstick. Green spot on Witch.

Witch

(to audience) Did the nasty Giant frighten you boys and girls? Don’t worry about him, he loves children. Especially in steak and kiddie pie. (laughs) But recently he’s been fancying a more grown-up diet, so if any of you kiddies have a nice plump parent you’d like to get rid of. I conjured Snot up to terrify the villagers, but now I’m getting a bit fed-up running around helping him. So, I’ll get my henchman to do the job instead. (‘zaps’ with her hand to SR)

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash (SR)

Scabies appears in a blue spot (SR) and approaches her.

Scabies

You called your nastiness?

Witch  
Yes, Scabies. I have a wicked task for you to perform.

Scabies

Oh, goody! I love doing wicked deeds. What do you wish me to do, your evilness?

Witch
I want you to capture some humans and take them to Snot’s castle.

Scabies

But his castle is way up in the clouds, your dreadfulness. How am I to get there?

Witch

On this broomstick, that I pinched from Harry Potter. (offers the broomstick)

Scabies

(takes the broomstick) Cor! It’s the new Nimbus XR2, and it’s in mint condition!

Witch  
And make sure you keep it that way. I plan to sell it on ebay afterwards.

Scabies

I’ll treat it like a baby, mistress.

Witch

I hope not. You usually eat babies.

Scabies

Nah! I’ve given up eating babies.

Witch

(surprised) Really?

Scabies

Yeah. I’ve moved on to toddlers now.

SFX: Thunder rolls.

Witch

Snot’s tummy’s rumbling again. (to Scabies) Go and find some humans to satisfy his appetite. And while you’re at it, you can also collect the villagers rent.

Scabies

Yes, your greediness. (exits SL)

Witch

Now that Scabies is acting as the Giant’s butler and rent collector. It gives me more time to concentrate on what I like doing best. Which is thinking up ways to make the villagers lives even more miserable, than they already are. Ha-ha-ha! (exits SL)

Lights return to normal. Music cue 5: Villagers enter both sides and sing the first part of the number, then line up either side creating a grand entrance for Dame Dottie who enters (USC) and walks (DSC) joining in the second chorus. After number ends…

Dottie

(to audience) Hello boys and girls! Did you like my entrance? I had to fight the producer tooth and nail for it you know. I told him a big star like me needed a big entrance. He said ‘yes but we can’t afford to have the stage door widened’. Cheek! Oh, but he is mean you know. His last production of Snow White, was a disaster. He didn’t want to spend money on lots of new props, and insisted that we use ones left over from previous productions. So, we ended up with Snow White rubbing her magic lamp, which made a beanstalk appear. And she had to climb it to retrieve her glass slipper, in order to become Lord Mayor of London. Well enough of him and more of me. Now my name is Dame Dottie Trott of Trott’s Dairy, and I supply milk for the whole village. Well not me personally, my cow Buttercup. And it’s delivered by my two sons, Jack and Simon. Jack’s a good lad and helps me out quite a lot,
but Simon’s a bit dim. Mind you, he was born during a power-cut. Oh, but we are poor you know. (elicits sympathy) We’re poorer than that. (louder reaction) I owe three month’s rent and I can’t afford to pay a penny. (to Villagers) Have any of you seen our Jack? Only he’s supposed to be taking Buttercup to market this morning.

Villager 2

You’re selling Buttercup?

Dottie

No, I’m entering her in the Most Beautiful Cow Competition. She’s bound to win and the prize money will pay off our rent arrears.

Simon runs on (SL) carrying a handheld milk-crate containing bottles of milk.

Simon

(gasping) Hello mum.

Dottie

Oh. hello Simon. Do you know where your brother Jack is?

Simon

(still gasping) No mum, I haven’t seen him all morning.

Dottie

How come you’re all out of breath?

Simon

Well you said we had to economise. So I ran all the way here behind the bus, to save on bus-fare.

Dottie

And how much did you save?

Simon

50p.

Dottie

Only 50p? You ought to have run behind a taxi and saved a tenner. (realising) ‘Ang on. Did you say you ran all the way here?

Simon

That’s right.

Dottie

Let me see those milk bottles. (takes a bottle and shakes it) Just as I thought. All that jogging has turned the milk to butter.

Simon

Sorry, mum.

Dottie

Well that’s more money down the drain, thanks to you. I’m off to see if I can find Jack. (exits SL with the milk-crate)

Simon

(to audience) I’m fed up with being blamed for everything around here, and could do with a bit of cheering up. If every time I come on and shout ‘hiya boys and girls’ will you all shout back ‘hiya Simple Simon?’ (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and returns) Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) That was so-so. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was a bit better, but still not loud enough. We’ll try it once more, and this time if you shout loud enough I’ll share my sweeties with you. (exits and returns with a bag of sweets) Hiya boys and Girls! (audience respond) Fantastic! Here you go then. (distributes sweets)

Jack enters (SR) with Buttercup, who wears a big bow around her neck.

Jack

Hi everyone!

Villagers

Hi Jack! (fuss over Buttercup) Hello Buttercup! Isn’t she sweet? Who’s a pretty cow then?

Buttercup reacts excitedly.

Simon

Where’ve you been, Jack? Mum’s been searching everywhere for you.

Jack

I’ve been to the garage.

Simon

What for?

Jack

Mum told me to wash and groom Buttercup, ready for the beauty contest. So I took her through the car wash to save time, before taking her to market.

Villager 3

I’m afraid the market’s shut, Jack.

Jack

What? But it’s not even lunchtime!

Villager 4

A mad bull escaped from its pen and ran amok, so they closed early.

Jack

But mum was relying on Buttercup winning The Most Beautiful Cow contest, to be able pay the rent.

Villager 1
(to other Villagers) I think Dame Trott should enter the contest herself.

Villager 2

If she did, she’d probably get disqualified for being ‘udderly’ ugly!

Villagers laugh.

Simon

How dare you speak about our mum like that! Clear off, the lot of you!

Villagers exit laughing.

Jack

(to Simon) It’s not like you to stick up for mum like that, Simon.

Simon

Mum might have a face like a baboon’s bottom, Jack. But I won’t have others slagging her off. I suppose we’d better go and tell her the market’s shut.

Jack

You go ahead Simon and I’ll catch you up. Only I promised Buttercup an ice-cream on the way home.

Simon

Ok Jack, see you later then.

Jack

Come along Buttercup. (exits DSR)

Jack exits (USR)

Dottie re-enters (SL)

Dottie

(to audience) I can’t find Jack anywhere, so I’m off home to see if he’s there.

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines revving up.

Bean and Dunnit enter (SL) on push-scooters and run around the stage.

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.

Bean and Dunnit screech to a halt either side of Dottie.

Dunnit

(to Dottie) Are you Dame Dottie Trott, of Trott’s Dairy?

Dottie

I might be.

Bean

Don’t you know?

Dottie

That all depends.

Dunnit

On what?

Dottie

On whether you’re after money or not.

Bean

That’s exactly what we’re after. (introducing himself) I’m Bean.

Dunnit

And I’m Dunnit.

Bean & Dunnit 
And we’re broker’s men.

Dottie

That’s all right then, ‘cos I’m broke.

Bean
We’re here to collect your rent.

Dunnit

You’ve got a lot behind.

Bean

(staring at Dottie’s chest) And quite a bit in front.

Dottie

(hoisting her chest) Cheek! Anyway, I can’t afford to pay. Things have been a struggle, ever since I lost my poor husband. (sniffs emotionally)

Bean
You lost your husband?

Dottie

(dabbing her eyes) Yes.

Dunnit

That was rather careless of you, wasn’t it?

Dottie

I mean he ‘died’!

Bean

Was that before or after you lost him?

Dottie

He used to work at the local gunpowder factory, and believed he’d live a long life by sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning. But then he died suddenly, leaving me and my two sons and a 15ft hole in the wall of the crematorium. And now I’m just a poor lonely young widow, with no money.

Bean

You must have something tucked away for a rainy day.

Dottie

Yes, and it’s called an ‘umbrella’. I also have hungry a cow to bring up, and it costs me ten pounds a week for beauty treatment.

Dunnit

Well between you me, it isn’t working.

Dottie

It’s not for me. It’s for my cow, Buttercup. I’m perfect just as I am.

Bean

(aside to audience) Perfectly ugly, that is.

Dunnit

(to Dunnit) We’re wasting our time here, let’s go.

Dottie

You’re leaving then?

Bean

(to Dottie) Yes, but we’ll be back to cut off your electric.

Dottie  
I’m shocked!

Dunnit

And your gas.

SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.

Dottie

(wafting behind her) Do excuse me. Only I had curried beans for supper.

Bean

(wafting his hand) Phoar! Her gas certainly wants cutting off.

Dunnit

You have twenty-four hours to pay up, or out you go.

Bean and Dunnit ‘rev’ up their scooters and exit (SL) on their scooters.

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.

Dottie  
(to audience) Oh, I couldn’t bear to be evicted boys and girls. It’s a good job I can rely on Buttercup, to win that beauty contest. I just hope she remembers to smile and flutter her eyelashes at the judges.

Villagers start drifting back on upstage.

Simon enters (DSR)

Simon    
Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond – turns to Dottie) Mum, I’ve just found out the market’s…

Jack re-enters (USR) ‘feeding’ Buttercup an ice-cream.

Dottie

(cutting Simon short)…There you are Jack! How much money did Buttercup win?

Jack

Nothing.

Dottie

What? After all the beauty treatment and deportment lessons I paid for her to have?

Jack

There wasn’t any contest mum.

Dottie

How come?

Jack

A bull escaped from its stall and wrecked the market, so they closed early.

Simon

That’s what I was trying tell you mum.

Dottie

In that case, I’m afraid it’s back to the bare-essentials for us.

Simon

I’m not stripping off for anybody. Music  cue 5:

Villagers react in excitement and Principals move (DSR) to watch.

The Royal Chamberlain enters (USL) followed by the royal family.

Chambers

(shouts) Make way for their royal majesties! (bangs his mace on the ground) Hear ye! Hear ye! His majesty the King will now speak to you about Snot! The Giant that is, not the runny kind.

Villager 3

About time, too!

Villager 4

People are disappearing every day.

Villager 1

Something must be done about it.

King

And it will, I assure you.

Villager 2

When?

King

Just as soon as I find someone daft…I mean ‘brave’ enough, to take on the Giant.

Queen

But first, please welcome Princess Crystal. Who will now make her first official public announcement.

Villagers

(cheer) Hooray!

Princess Crystal moves centre stage and addresses the assembled crowd.

Princess

Thank you all for that wonderful cheer. I am most honoured. Now the first thing I want to say is…does anybody know what happened on…(current TV soap)…last night? Only I forgot to set the DVD recorder, and…(King whispers to her) Oh, and would someone rid us of the nasty Giant please? Thank you.

Queen

(claps wildly) Here-here! Well said my dear.

King

(addressing the crowd) Whoever manages to rid us of Snot, will win the hand of the Princess Crystal in marriage!

All cheer.

Princess

(shocked) Just a minute, father! I am not a possession to be given away!

King

Sorry dear, old habits die hard. (shouts) Attention everybody! Scrub the ‘hand of the Princess’ bit. Whoever rids us of Snot, will receive half my kingdom instead’.

Simon

Cor! (to Jack) Just think what you could buy with half the kingdom, Jack

Jack

I’d rather have the hand of the Princess.

Dottie

You’d have a job spending that in the shops. Unless it was a second-hand shop. (laughs) Second-hand shop! Oh, please yourselves.

Chambers

(bangs his mace on the ground) The royal party will now move amongst you and press the flesh.

Dottie

(excited) Did you hear that boys? They’re going to press our flesh!

Simon

Well you’ve certainly got plenty to press.

The King, Queen and Princess start to mingle and greet everyone. Music cue
6: Royal Party. After song ends…

Princess

(greets Jack) Hello there. And what’s your name?

Jack  
Jack Trott, your highness. And I intend to rid the kingdom of Snot the Giant.

Princess

And how do you propose doing that, Jack?

Jack

I don’t know, yet. But I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Princess

You’d like to win half of father’s kingdom, then?

Jack

I’d rather take his first offer.

Princess

I’m afraid my hand isn’t his to give. But you could always ask for it yourself.

Jack

And if I did, what would your answer be?

Princess

(mischievously) Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?

King

(calling her over) Come here, Crystal!

Princess

Coming father! (to Jack) I think we’re leaving now, but we’ll be back tomorrow when father officially opens the fair. Will you be here too?

Jack

Just let anybody try stopping me.

Princess

See you then, Jack. (goes and joins the Royal Party)

The King whispers to the Chamberlain.

Chambers

(bangs his mace on the ground) Citizens of Mutch Twittering! Before they depart, the royal family would like to say a few words.

The Royal Family address the crowd in turn.

Queen

Thank you all for your warm hospitality, which has gladdened one’s heart.

King

We shall return tomorrow to officially open Twittering Fair.

Princess

(looking towards Jack) I’m especially looking forward to it.

Villagers cheer and the royal party exit.

Simon

You’re not seriously thinking of taking on the Giant, are you Jack?

Jack

Yes, Simon.

Simon

But he must be at least fifty-foot tall!

Jack

The bigger they are the harder they fall, Simon.

Dottie
Well just make sure he doesn’t fall on our house.

Simon

(to Dottie) Can we come to the fair again tomorrow, mum?

Dottie
No, we can’t. We’ll be too busy thinking of ways to make some money. Otherwise our essentials will be cut off, and we’ll also be evicted. Now let’s get back home while we still have one.

Dottie, Simon and Jack all exit (USL)

Bean and Dunnit enter (SR) and cross to opposite side.

Scabies enters (DSL) carrying a ‘For Sale’ board, and a sponge-headed mallet. They all meet centre stage.

Scabies

Good afternoon gentlemen. Are you perchance Bean and Dunnit, Broker’s Men?

Bean & Dunnit 
Who wants to know?

Scabies

I do. My name is Scabies, and I’ve been asked to collect the villagers rent. Bbut I’m too busy with other matters, so I’d like you to act as my agents and collect it for me.

Dunnit

What’s in it for us?

Scabies

You can keep 10% of everything you collect.

Bean & Dunnit 
We’ll do it!

Scabies

Good.  Here’s a list of names. (hands a list to Bean) Collect the cash and bring it to me tomorrow at the fair. And if anyone doesn’t pay up, evict them and put this up. (hands ‘For Sale’ sign and mallet to Dunnit) Good day gentlemen. (exits)

Bean

That was a stroke of luck, wasn’t it? We’ll make good rent-collectors, us.

Dunnit

You’re right there. Mind you, with our brains and good looks we could’ve been anything we wanted to be. Music cue 7: Bean & Dunnit. After song ends…Right, then, who’s first on the list?

Bean

(checks the list) Old Mother Hubbard.

Dunnit

I shall enjoy putting the frighteners on her.

Bean

Are we wearing scary masks, then?

Dunnit

What for?

Bean

To frighten her with.

Dunnit

You don’t need a mask.

Bean

(offended) That’s not very nice!

Dunnit

Neither is your face. Now let’s go. (shoves Bean off SR and both exit)