Scene One
The Village Of Mutch Twittering
Full stage typical village exterior scene depicting a market place in full swing. Villagers perform a lively opening number with Jack. Music cue 4: Villagers & Jack. After number ends…
Jack
That was great fun, wasn’t it?
Villagers
(variously) Yes! It sure was!
SFX: Lights flicker and thunder rolls.
Villagers react by looking up in fear.
Villager 1
(to audience) It sounds like Snot the Giant’s moving his furniture about again.
Villager 2
I hate being always reminded of him up there.
Jack
One day I’ll bring him down to earth, just wait and see.
Villager 3
But how will you do it, Jack?
Jack
I don’t know, but I’m constantly thinking of a plan.
Villager 4
I’ve already thought of a plan.
Jack
And what plan’s that then?
Villager 1
I plan to leave and live somewhere else.
Villagers nod and agree.
Giant
Fee-fi-fo-fum!
Lighting changes to a sinister state and Villagers exit screaming.
Jack
(shaking his fist at the sky) One day Snot! One day! (to audience) I’d better go and check on our cow, Buttercup. The Giant’s roar always makes her nervous. See you later, boys and girls. (exits SR)
SFX: Pyrotechnic flash (SL)
Witch Hazel enters (DSL) astride a broomstick. Green spot on Witch.
Witch
(to audience) Did the nasty Giant frighten you boys and girls? Don’t worry about him, he loves children. Especially in steak and kiddie pie. (laughs) But recently he’s been fancying a more grown-up diet, so if any of you kiddies have a nice plump parent you’d like to get rid of. I conjured Snot up to terrify the villagers, but now I’m getting a bit fed-up running around helping him. So, I’ll get my henchman to do the job instead. (‘zaps’ with her hand to SR)
SFX: Pyrotechnic flash (SR)
Scabies appears in a blue spot (SR) and approaches her.
Scabies
You called your nastiness?
Witch
Yes, Scabies. I have a wicked task for you to perform.
Scabies
Oh, goody! I love doing wicked deeds. What do you wish me to do, your evilness?
Witch
I want you to capture some humans and take them to Snot’s castle.
Scabies
But his castle is way up in the clouds, your dreadfulness. How am I to get there?
Witch
On this broomstick, that I pinched from Harry Potter. (offers the broomstick)
Scabies
(takes the broomstick) Cor! It’s the new Nimbus XR2, and it’s in mint condition!
Witch
And make sure you keep it that way. I plan to sell it on ebay afterwards.
Scabies
I’ll treat it like a baby, mistress.
Witch
I hope not. You usually eat babies.
Scabies
Nah! I’ve given up eating babies.
Witch
(surprised) Really?
Scabies
Yeah. I’ve moved on to toddlers now.
SFX: Thunder rolls.
Witch
Snot’s tummy’s rumbling again. (to Scabies) Go and find some humans to satisfy his appetite. And while you’re at it, you can also collect the villagers rent.
Scabies
Yes, your greediness. (exits SL)
Witch
Now that Scabies is acting as the Giant’s butler and rent collector. It gives me more time to concentrate on what I like doing best. Which is thinking up ways to make the villagers lives even more miserable, than they already are. Ha-ha-ha! (exits SL)
Lights return to normal. Music cue 5: Villagers enter both sides and sing the first part of the number, then line up either side creating a grand entrance for Dame Dottie who enters (USC) and walks (DSC) joining in the second chorus. After number ends…
Dottie
(to audience) Hello boys and girls! Did you like my entrance? I had to fight the producer tooth and nail for it you know. I told him a big star like me needed a big entrance. He said ‘yes but we can’t afford to have the stage door widened’. Cheek! Oh, but he is mean you know. His last production of Snow White, was a disaster. He didn’t want to spend money on lots of new props, and insisted that we use ones left over from previous productions. So, we ended up with Snow White rubbing her magic lamp, which made a beanstalk appear. And she had to climb it to retrieve her glass slipper, in order to become Lord Mayor of London. Well enough of him and more of me. Now my name is Dame Dottie Trott of Trott’s Dairy, and I supply milk for the whole village. Well not me personally, my cow Buttercup. And it’s delivered by my two sons, Jack and Simon. Jack’s a good lad and helps me out quite a lot,
but Simon’s a bit dim. Mind you, he was born during a power-cut. Oh, but we are poor you know. (elicits sympathy) We’re poorer than that. (louder reaction) I owe three month’s rent and I can’t afford to pay a penny. (to Villagers) Have any of you seen our Jack? Only he’s supposed to be taking Buttercup to market this morning.
Villager 2
You’re selling Buttercup?
Dottie
No, I’m entering her in the Most Beautiful Cow Competition. She’s bound to win and the prize money will pay off our rent arrears.
Simon runs on (SL) carrying a handheld milk-crate containing bottles of milk.
Simon
(gasping) Hello mum.
Dottie
Oh. hello Simon. Do you know where your brother Jack is?
Simon
(still gasping) No mum, I haven’t seen him all morning.
Dottie
How come you’re all out of breath?
Simon
Well you said we had to economise. So I ran all the way here behind the bus, to save on bus-fare.
Dottie
And how much did you save?
Simon
50p.
Dottie
Only 50p? You ought to have run behind a taxi and saved a tenner. (realising) ‘Ang on. Did you say you ran all the way here?
Simon
That’s right.
Dottie
Let me see those milk bottles. (takes a bottle and shakes it) Just as I thought. All that jogging has turned the milk to butter.
Simon
Sorry, mum.
Dottie
Well that’s more money down the drain, thanks to you. I’m off to see if I can find Jack. (exits SL with the milk-crate)
Simon
(to audience) I’m fed up with being blamed for everything around here, and could do with a bit of cheering up. If every time I come on and shout ‘hiya boys and girls’ will you all shout back ‘hiya Simple Simon?’ (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and returns) Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) That was so-so. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was a bit better, but still not loud enough. We’ll try it once more, and this time if you shout loud enough I’ll share my sweeties with you. (exits and returns with a bag of sweets) Hiya boys and Girls! (audience respond) Fantastic! Here you go then. (distributes sweets)
Jack enters (SR) with Buttercup, who wears a big bow around her neck.
Jack
Hi everyone!
Villagers
Hi Jack! (fuss over Buttercup) Hello Buttercup! Isn’t she sweet? Who’s a pretty cow then?
Buttercup reacts excitedly.
Simon
Where’ve you been, Jack? Mum’s been searching everywhere for you.
Jack
I’ve been to the garage.
Simon
What for?
Jack
Mum told me to wash and groom Buttercup, ready for the beauty contest. So I took her through the car wash to save time, before taking her to market.
Villager 3
I’m afraid the market’s shut, Jack.
Jack
What? But it’s not even lunchtime!
Villager 4
A mad bull escaped from its pen and ran amok, so they closed early.
Jack
But mum was relying on Buttercup winning The Most Beautiful Cow contest, to be able pay the rent.
Villager 1
(to other Villagers) I think Dame Trott should enter the contest herself.
Villager 2
If she did, she’d probably get disqualified for being ‘udderly’ ugly!
Villagers laugh.
Simon
How dare you speak about our mum like that! Clear off, the lot of you!
Villagers exit laughing.
Jack
(to Simon) It’s not like you to stick up for mum like that, Simon.
Simon
Mum might have a face like a baboon’s bottom, Jack. But I won’t have others slagging her off. I suppose we’d better go and tell her the market’s shut.
Jack
You go ahead Simon and I’ll catch you up. Only I promised Buttercup an ice-cream on the way home.
Simon
Ok Jack, see you later then.
Jack
Come along Buttercup. (exits DSR)
Jack exits (USR)
Dottie re-enters (SL)
Dottie
(to audience) I can’t find Jack anywhere, so I’m off home to see if he’s there.
SFX: Sound of motorbike engines revving up.
Bean and Dunnit enter (SL) on push-scooters and run around the stage.
SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.
Bean and Dunnit screech to a halt either side of Dottie.
Dunnit
(to Dottie) Are you Dame Dottie Trott, of Trott’s Dairy?
Dottie
I might be.
Bean
Don’t you know?
Dottie
That all depends.
Dunnit
On what?
Dottie
On whether you’re after money or not.
Bean
That’s exactly what we’re after. (introducing himself) I’m Bean.
Dunnit
And I’m Dunnit.
Bean & Dunnit
And we’re broker’s men.
Dottie
That’s all right then, ‘cos I’m broke.
Bean
We’re here to collect your rent.
Dunnit
You’ve got a lot behind.
Bean
(staring at Dottie’s chest) And quite a bit in front.
Dottie
(hoisting her chest) Cheek! Anyway, I can’t afford to pay. Things have been a struggle, ever since I lost my poor husband. (sniffs emotionally)
Bean
You lost your husband?
Dottie
(dabbing her eyes) Yes.
Dunnit
That was rather careless of you, wasn’t it?
Dottie
I mean he ‘died’!
Bean
Was that before or after you lost him?
Dottie
He used to work at the local gunpowder factory, and believed he’d live a long life by sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning. But then he died suddenly, leaving me and my two sons and a 15ft hole in the wall of the crematorium. And now I’m just a poor lonely young widow, with no money.
Bean
You must have something tucked away for a rainy day.
Dottie
Yes, and it’s called an ‘umbrella’. I also have hungry a cow to bring up, and it costs me ten pounds a week for beauty treatment.
Dunnit
Well between you me, it isn’t working.
Dottie
It’s not for me. It’s for my cow, Buttercup. I’m perfect just as I am.
Bean
(aside to audience) Perfectly ugly, that is.
Dunnit
(to Dunnit) We’re wasting our time here, let’s go.
Dottie
You’re leaving then?
Bean
(to Dottie) Yes, but we’ll be back to cut off your electric.
Dottie
I’m shocked!
Dunnit
And your gas.
SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.
Dottie
(wafting behind her) Do excuse me. Only I had curried beans for supper.
Bean
(wafting his hand) Phoar! Her gas certainly wants cutting off.
Dunnit
You have twenty-four hours to pay up, or out you go.
Bean and Dunnit ‘rev’ up their scooters and exit (SL) on their scooters.
SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.
Dottie
(to audience) Oh, I couldn’t bear to be evicted boys and girls. It’s a good job I can rely on Buttercup, to win that beauty contest. I just hope she remembers to smile and flutter her eyelashes at the judges.
Villagers start drifting back on upstage.
Simon enters (DSR)
Simon
Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond – turns to Dottie) Mum, I’ve just found out the market’s…
Jack re-enters (USR) ‘feeding’ Buttercup an ice-cream.
Dottie
(cutting Simon short)…There you are Jack! How much money did Buttercup win?
Jack
Nothing.
Dottie
What? After all the beauty treatment and deportment lessons I paid for her to have?
Jack
There wasn’t any contest mum.
Dottie
How come?
Jack
A bull escaped from its stall and wrecked the market, so they closed early.
Simon
That’s what I was trying tell you mum.
Dottie
In that case, I’m afraid it’s back to the bare-essentials for us.
Simon
I’m not stripping off for anybody. Music cue 5:
Villagers react in excitement and Principals move (DSR) to watch.
The Royal Chamberlain enters (USL) followed by the royal family.
Chambers
(shouts) Make way for their royal majesties! (bangs his mace on the ground) Hear ye! Hear ye! His majesty the King will now speak to you about Snot! The Giant that is, not the runny kind.
Villager 3
About time, too!
Villager 4
People are disappearing every day.
Villager 1
Something must be done about it.
King
And it will, I assure you.
Villager 2
When?
King
Just as soon as I find someone daft…I mean ‘brave’ enough, to take on the Giant.
Queen
But first, please welcome Princess Crystal. Who will now make her first official public announcement.
Villagers
(cheer) Hooray!
Princess Crystal moves centre stage and addresses the assembled crowd.
Princess
Thank you all for that wonderful cheer. I am most honoured. Now the first thing I want to say is…does anybody know what happened on…(current TV soap)…last night? Only I forgot to set the DVD recorder, and…(King whispers to her) Oh, and would someone rid us of the nasty Giant please? Thank you.
Queen
(claps wildly) Here-here! Well said my dear.
King
(addressing the crowd) Whoever manages to rid us of Snot, will win the hand of the Princess Crystal in marriage!
All cheer.
Princess
(shocked) Just a minute, father! I am not a possession to be given away!
King
Sorry dear, old habits die hard. (shouts) Attention everybody! Scrub the ‘hand of the Princess’ bit. Whoever rids us of Snot, will receive half my kingdom instead’.
Simon
Cor! (to Jack) Just think what you could buy with half the kingdom, Jack
Jack
I’d rather have the hand of the Princess.
Dottie
You’d have a job spending that in the shops. Unless it was a second-hand shop. (laughs) Second-hand shop! Oh, please yourselves.
Chambers
(bangs his mace on the ground) The royal party will now move amongst you and press the flesh.
Dottie
(excited) Did you hear that boys? They’re going to press our flesh!
Simon
Well you’ve certainly got plenty to press.
The King, Queen and Princess start to mingle and greet everyone. Music cue
6: Royal Party. After song ends…
Princess
(greets Jack) Hello there. And what’s your name?
Jack
Jack Trott, your highness. And I intend to rid the kingdom of Snot the Giant.
Princess
And how do you propose doing that, Jack?
Jack
I don’t know, yet. But I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Princess
You’d like to win half of father’s kingdom, then?
Jack
I’d rather take his first offer.
Princess
I’m afraid my hand isn’t his to give. But you could always ask for it yourself.
Jack
And if I did, what would your answer be?
Princess
(mischievously) Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?
King
(calling her over) Come here, Crystal!
Princess
Coming father! (to Jack) I think we’re leaving now, but we’ll be back tomorrow when father officially opens the fair. Will you be here too?
Jack
Just let anybody try stopping me.
Princess
See you then, Jack. (goes and joins the Royal Party)
The King whispers to the Chamberlain.
Chambers
(bangs his mace on the ground) Citizens of Mutch Twittering! Before they depart, the royal family would like to say a few words.
The Royal Family address the crowd in turn.
Queen
Thank you all for your warm hospitality, which has gladdened one’s heart.
King
We shall return tomorrow to officially open Twittering Fair.
Princess
(looking towards Jack) I’m especially looking forward to it.
Villagers cheer and the royal party exit.
Simon
You’re not seriously thinking of taking on the Giant, are you Jack?
Jack
Yes, Simon.
Simon
But he must be at least fifty-foot tall!
Jack
The bigger they are the harder they fall, Simon.
Dottie
Well just make sure he doesn’t fall on our house.
Simon
(to Dottie) Can we come to the fair again tomorrow, mum?
Dottie
No, we can’t. We’ll be too busy thinking of ways to make some money. Otherwise our essentials will be cut off, and we’ll also be evicted. Now let’s get back home while we still have one.
Dottie, Simon and Jack all exit (USL)
Bean and Dunnit enter (SR) and cross to opposite side.
Scabies enters (DSL) carrying a ‘For Sale’ board, and a sponge-headed mallet. They all meet centre stage.
Scabies
Good afternoon gentlemen. Are you perchance Bean and Dunnit, Broker’s Men?
Bean & Dunnit
Who wants to know?
Scabies
I do. My name is Scabies, and I’ve been asked to collect the villagers rent. Bbut I’m too busy with other matters, so I’d like you to act as my agents and collect it for me.
Dunnit
What’s in it for us?
Scabies
You can keep 10% of everything you collect.
Bean & Dunnit
We’ll do it!
Scabies
Good. Here’s a list of names. (hands a list to Bean) Collect the cash and bring it to me tomorrow at the fair. And if anyone doesn’t pay up, evict them and put this up. (hands ‘For Sale’ sign and mallet to Dunnit) Good day gentlemen. (exits)
Bean
That was a stroke of luck, wasn’t it? We’ll make good rent-collectors, us.
Dunnit
You’re right there. Mind you, with our brains and good looks we could’ve been anything we wanted to be. Music cue 7: Bean & Dunnit. After song ends…Right, then, who’s first on the list?
Bean
(checks the list) Old Mother Hubbard.
Dunnit
I shall enjoy putting the frighteners on her.
Bean
Are we wearing scary masks, then?
Dunnit
What for?
Bean
To frighten her with.
Dunnit
You don’t need a mask.
Bean
(offended) That’s not very nice!
Dunnit
Neither is your face. Now let’s go. (shoves Bean off SR and both exit)
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