Jack And The Beanstalk Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Of Mutch Twittering

Trott’s Dairy is (USR) Villagers perform a lively opening number with Jack. Music cue 1: Villagers and Jack. After song ends…

Jack That was great fun everybody, wasn’t it?

Villagers Yes, Jack!

SFX: Lights flicker and thunder rolls.

Villagers look up in fear.

Villager 1 It sounds like Snot the Giant, is moving his furniture about again.

Villager 2 I hate being reminded of him up there.

Giant Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I’ll eat you up and fill my tum!

Exit Villagers screaming.

Jack (to audience) One day I’ll bring Snot down to earth, you’ll see. I’d better go and check on our cow, Buttercup. The Giant’s roar always makes her nervous. See you later, boys and girls. (waves and exits SR)

Music cue 2: Enter Witch Hazel (DSL) with a broomstick.

Witch Don’t worry about the Giant, boys and girls, he loves children. His favourite food is steak and kiddie pie. (laughs) But I’m fed up with feeding him. (calls) Scabies!

Enter Scabies (SR)

Scabies You called, your evilness?

Witch I want you to capture some humans and take them to the Giant’s castle.

Scabies But his castle is up in the clouds, your nastiness. How am I to get there?

Witch On this broomstick I pinched from Harry Potter.

Scabies (takes broomstick) Cor! It’s the new Nimbus XR2, and it’s in mint condition!

Witch And make sure you keep it that way.

Scabies I’ll treat it like a baby, mistress.

Witch I hope not. You usually eat babies.

Scabies I’ve given up eating babies, mistress.

Witch How come?

Scabies I’ve moved on to toddlers, now. (laughs)

SFX: Thunder rolls.

Witch Snot’s tummy’s rumbling again. Satisfy his hunger and then collect the villager’s rent.

Scabies Yes, your dreadfulness. (exits SL)

Witch Now that Scabies is Snot’s butler and also rent collector. I can concentrate on making the villager’s lives, even more miserable than they already are. (exits SL laughing)

Enter Villagers (SR) Music cue 3: Villagers. At a chosen point, Villagers line up either side creating a corridor for Dame Dottie who enters (USR) and walks down it as the song culminates. After song ends…Exit Villagers (SL)

Dottie Hello everybody! Did you like my big entrance? I had to fight the producer tooth and nail for it, because he’s such a cheapskate. His last production was a farce. He didn’t want to spend on new props, and insisted we use ones left over from previous shows. So, we had Snow White rubbing a magic lamp, which made a beanstalk appear. She then had to climb the beanstalk, to retrieve her glass slipper and become Lord Mayor of London. But enough of him, and more of me. I’m Dame Dottie Trott, of Trott’s Dairy. And I supply milk to the village of Mutch Twittering. Not me personally, my cow Buttercup. And it’s delivered by my sons, Jack and Simon. Jack’s a good lad and helps me out a lot, but Simon’s a bit dim. Mind you, he was born during a power cut. Oh, but we are poor. (elicit sympathy) We’re poorer than that! I’m deep in debt and can’t afford my rent or energy bills. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Enter Simon at a run (SL)

Simon (gasping) Hello mum.

Dottie Hello, Simon. Do you know where your brother Jack is? Only, he’s supposed to be taking Buttercup to market this morning.

Simon You’re not selling Buttercup, are you mum?

Dottie No. I’m entering her in, The Most Beautiful Cow Competition. She’s bound to win, and the prize money will pay off all my debts.

Simon (gasping) No mum. I haven’t seen him all morning.

Dottie How come you’re out of breath?

Simon You said we must economise. So, I ran all the way here behind a bus to save on fare.

Dottie How much did you save?

Simon 50p.

Dottie You should’ve run behind a taxi and saved a tenner.

Simon I’ll try and remember that next time.

Dottie Let me see those milk bottles. (examines a bottle) You idiot Simon! All that jogging has turned the milk to butter. That’s more money down the drain. It’s no wonder people call you Simple Simon. I’m off to find Jack. (exits SL with milk carrier)

Simon (to audience) I’m fed up with being blamed for everything around here. I could do with a bit of cheering up. I tell you what. Every time I come on and shout hiya boys and girls! Will you all shout back, hiya Simple Simon! But without the Simple bit. So that’s just, hiya Simon! Okay? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya boys and girls! That was so-so. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was a bit better, but still not loud enough. We’ll try it once more, and this time if you shout loud enough, I’ll share my sweeties with you. (repeats business) Hiya boys and Girls! That was fantastic! Here you go then. (distributes sweets)

Enter Jack (SR) with Buttercup, who wears a big fancy bow around her neck.

Jack Hiya Simon!

Simon Where have you been Jack? Mum’s been looking everywhere for you.

Jack I was at the garage.

Simon But we don’t even own a car.

Jack Mum asked me to wash and groom Buttercup, ready for the Most Beautiful Cow, contest. So I took her through the car wash to save time.

Enter Villagers (SL) and fuss over Buttercup.

Villagers (variously) Hello Buttercup! Isn’t she sweet? Who’s a pretty cow then?

Buttercup reacts excitedly.

Jack Come along Buttercup, it’s time to go to market.

Villager 1 I’m afraid the market’s shut, Jack.

Simon How come?

Villager 2 A big bull escaped and ran amok.

Jack But mum was relying on Buttercup winning The Most Beautiful Cow contest.

Villager 3 Maybe she should enter the contest herself.

Villager 4 She’d probably get disqualified for being, udderly ugly!

Villagers laugh.

Simon That’s our mum you’re talking about! Clear off you cheeky lot!

Exit Villagers laughing.

Jack It’s not like you to stick up for mum, Simon.

Simon Mum might have a face like a baboon’s bottom, Jack. But she’s still family.

Jack We’d better go and tell her, the market’s shut.

Simon How do you think she’ll take it, Jack?

Jack The same way she takes every setback, Simon.

Simon You mean, she’ll have a meltdown?

Jack Mega style. Come along Buttercup.

Exit all (SR)

Enter Dottie (SL)

Dottie (to audience) I can’t find Jack anywhere, so I’m off home to see if he’s there.

Enter Bean and Dunnit (SL) on push-scooters and run around the stage.

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.

Bean and Dunnit screech to a halt either side of Dottie.

Dunnit Are you Dame Dottie Trott, of Trott’s Dairy?

Dottie Who wants to know?

Bean We do. I’m Bean.

Dunnit And I’m Dunnit.

Bean And we’re broker’s agents.

Dottie That’s all right then, & ‘cos I’m broke.

Dunnit We’re here about your energy payments.

Bean You’ve got a lot behind.

Dunnit (staring at her chest) And quite a bit in front.

Dottie (hoisting her chest) Cheek!

Bean You haven’t paid a bill in months.

Dottie I know. It’s been such a struggle, ever since I lost my poor husband. (dabs eyes)

Dunnit That was rather careless of you.

Dottie I mean, he died!

Bean Was that before or after you lost him?

Dottie He worked at a gunpowder factory. And believed he’d live longer by sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning. But it didn’t work, and he died suddenly. Leaving me with two sons, and a big hole in the wall of the crematorium to pay for.

Bean Don’t you have anything tucked away for a rainy day?

Dottie Yes. An umbrella. I also have hungry a cow to bring up, and it costs me ten pounds a week for beauty treatment.

Dunnit Well, it isn’t working.

Dottie It’s for my cow, Buttercup. I’m perfect just as I am.

Bean (aside to audience) Perfectly ugly, that is.

Dunnit Let’s go, Bean.

Dottie You’re leaving?

Bean Yes, but we’ll be back to cut off your electric.

Dottie I’m shocked!

Dunnit And your gas.

SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.

Dottie Do excuse me. I had curried beans for supper.

Bean (wafting) Phwoar! Her gas certainly wants cutting off.

Exit Bean and Dunnit on their scooters (SL)

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.

Dottie (to audience) If you’re ever feeling lonely and think everybody’s forgotten about you. Just try missing a couple of payments. Luckily, I can rely on Buttercup winning that beauty contest, to save me from being cut off. I just hope she remembers to smile and flutter her eyelashes, at the judges.

Enter Jack and Simon, with Buttercup (SR)

Simon Hiya boys and girls!

Dottie Where have you been Jack? I’ve looked everywhere for you.

Jack You can’t have, mum.

Dottie Why can’t I?

Jack Because you didn’t look where I was.

Dottie You’re getting as daft as your brother, Simon.

Simon Why does it all come back on me?

Dottie How much did Buttercup win then?

Jack Nothing, mum.

Dottie What? After all the beauty treatment and deportment lessons I paid for?

Simon There was no contest mum.

Dottie How come?

Jack A bull escaped and wrecked the place.

Dottie Then I’m afraid it’s back to the bare essentials for us, boys.

Simon I’m not stripping off for anybody!

Music cue 4: Enter Villagers (SL) in excitement and take up positions.

Enter the Royal Chamberlain (SR)

Chambers (bangs his mace) Please welcome their royal majesties the King and Queen, and her highness, Princess Crystal!

Enter King, Queen and Princess Crystal (SR)

Villagers Hooray!

King Thank you all for that wonderful greeting!

Queen It’s always nice to receive a warm hand on one’s entrance.

Chambers (loudly) And now, Princess Crystal will make her first public announcement.

Villagers Hooray!

Princess Thank you for that encouraging cheer. The first thing I want to say is, does anybody know what happened on…(TV prog)…last night? Only I missed it and…(King whispers to her) His majesty will now speak to you about Snot. The giant that is, not the other sort.

Villager 1 Something must be done about him.

King And it will, I assure you.

Villager 2 When?

Queen Just as soon as we find somebody daft…I mean brave enough, to take him on.

King Whomsoever rids us of Snot, will win the hand of Princess Crystal in marriage!

Villagers Hooray!

Princess (shocked) Father! I am not a possession to be given away!

King Sorry dear, old habits die hard. (shouts) Attention everybody! Scrub that last bit. Whoever rids us of Snot, will receive half our kingdom.

Simon Just think what you could buy with half the kingdom, Jack

Jack I’d rather have the hand of the Princess.

Dottie You’d have a job spending that in the shops.

Simon Unless it was a, second-hand shop. (laughs)

Chambers (loudly) The royal party will now move amongst you and press the flesh!

Dottie (excited) Did you hear that boys? They’re going to press our flesh!

Simon You’ve certainly got plenty to press.

Dottie (raising a hand) I’ll press this bit around your earhole in a minute!

Royals mingle and greet. Music cue 4: Royals. After song ends…

Princess (greets Jack) Hello there. And what is your name?

Jack Jack Trott, your highness. And I intend ridding the kingdom of Snot.

Princess You’d like to win half the kingdom, Jack?

Jack I’d rather take your father’s first offer.

Princess I’m afraid my hand isn’t his to give.

Dottie Well said, your highness. Misogynism has no place in a modern panto.

Simon What’s misogynism?

Princess It’s when men think they’re better than women.

Dottie Which is ridiculous. Because everybody knows that women are far superior.

Jack Isn’t that just reverse misogynism, mum?

Dottie No, Jack. There could never be such a thing.

Simon Why not?

Dottie Because nobody could ever pronounce misogynism, backwards.

Princess Father can’t give my hand away, Jack. But you could always ask for it yourself.

Jack And if I did, what would your answer be?

Princess Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?

King (calling) Come along, Crystal! We’re leaving!

Princess Coming father!

Jack You’re leaving, already?

Princess Yes, but we’ll return tomorrow to officially open Twittering Fair. Will you be here?

Jack I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Princess.

Princess I’ll see you tomorrow then. (joins the Royal Party)

Chambers (bangs mace) Before they depart, the royal family would like to say a few words.

King Thank you all for your warm hospitality.

Queen We shall return tomorrow, to officially open Twittering Fair.

Exit Royal Party (SR)

Exit Villagers, who drift off (SL)

Dottie You’re not seriously thinking about taking on the Giant, are you Jack?

Jack Yes, mum.

Simon But he must be at least fifty-feet tall!

Jack The bigger they are the harder they fall, Simon.

Dottie Well just make sure he doesn’t fall on our house. We’re not insured.

Simon Can we come to the fair again tomorrow, mum?

Dottie No, Simon. We’ll be too busy trying make some money. Otherwise we could end up homeless. Now let’s get back home, while we still have one.

Exit Dottie, Simon and Jack (SL)

Enter Bean and Dunnit (SR)

Bean Do you think Dame Trott will pay up, Dunnit?

Dunnit Who cares? We’ll get paid either way.

Enter Scabies (SL) with a FOR SALE board and a large mallet.

Scabies Good afternoon. Are you perchance, Bean and Dunnit, broker’s agents?

Bean Yes, we are. Who are you?

Scabies My name’s Scabies, and I’m a rent collector. But it’s a big job and I’m looking for somebody to help me. Would you be interested?

Dunnit What’s in it for us?

Scabies You may keep half of what you collect.

Bean We’ll do it!

Scabies Here’s a list. (hands list over) Collect the cash and meet me here tomorrow, at noon.

Dunnit And what if somebody doesn’t pay up?

Scabies Then evict them and put this up. (hands them the FOR SALE sign and mallet) Cheerio. (exits SL)

Bean That was a stroke of luck. We’ll make a killing collecting rent.

Dunnit We certainly will. Music cue 5: Bean & Dunnit. After song ends…Now, let’s go and put the frighteners on people.

Bean Shall we wear scary, masks?

Dunnit What for?

Bean To frighten them.

Dunnit You don’t need a scary mask. Now, let’s go.

Exit both (SR)