Jack And The Beanstalk Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Of Mutch Twittering

Trott’s Dairy is (USR) Chorus of Villagers perform a lively opening number with Jack. Music cue 1: Chorus and Jack. After song ends…

JACK: That was great fun, wasn’t it everybody?

CHORUS: Yes, Jack!

SFX: Lights flicker and thunder rolls.

Chorus look up in fear.

CHORUS 1: It sounds like Snot the Giant is moving his furniture about again.

CHORUS 2: I hate being reminded of him up there.

GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I’ll eat you up and fill my tum!

Exit Chorus screaming.

JACK: (to audience) One day I’ll bring Snot down to earth, you’ll see. I’d better go and check on our cow, Buttercup. The giant’s roar always makes her nervous. See you later, boys and girls. (waves and exits SR)

Music cue 2: Enter Witch Hazel (DSL) with a broomstick.

WITCH: Don’t worry about the giant, boys and girls, he loves children. His favourite food is steak and kiddie pie. (laughs) But I’m fed up with feeding him. (calls) Fleshcreep!

Enter Fleshcreep (SR)

FLESHCREEP: You called, your evilness?

WITCH: I want you to capture some humans and take them to the giant’s castle.

FLESHCREEP: But how can I get to his castle is up in the clouds, your nastiness?

WITCH: On this broomstick I pinched from Harry Potter.

FLESHCREEP: (takes it) Cor! It’s the new Nimbus XR2, and it’s in mint condition!

WITCH: And make sure you keep it that way.

FLESHCREEP: I’ll treat it like a baby, mistress.

WITCH: I hope not – you usually eat babies.

FLESHCREEP: I’ve given up eating babies, mistress.

WITCH: How come?

FLESHCREEP: I’ve moved on to toddlers, now. (laughs)

SFX: Thunder rolls.

WITCH: Snot’s tummy rumbling. Satisfy his hunger, then collect the villager’s rent.

FLESHCREEP: Yes, your dreadfulness. (exits SL)

WITCH: Now that Fleshcreep is Snot’s butler and rent collector. I can concentrate on making the villager’s lives, even more miserable than they already are. (exits SL laughing)

Enter Chorus (SR) Music cue 3: Chorus. At a point in the song – Enter Dame Dottie (USR) who walks down a corridor made by the Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SR)

DAME TROTT: Hello everybody! Did you like my big entrance? I had to fight the producer tooth and nail for it because he’s such a cheapskate. His last production was a farce. He didn’t want to spend on new props, and insisted we use ones left over from previous shows. So, we had Snow White rubbing a magic lamp, which made a beanstalk appear that she climbed to retrieve her glass slipper and become Lord Mayor of London. But enough of him, and more of me. I’m Dame Dottie Trott, of Trott’s Dairy. And I supply milk to the village of Mutch Twittering. Not me personally, my cow Buttercup. And it’s delivered by my sons, Jack and Simon. Jack’s a good lad and helps me out a lot, but Simon’s a bit dim. Mind you, he was born during a power cut. Oh, but we are poor. We’re poorer than that! I’m can’t afford to pay my rent or energy bills. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Enter Simon at a run (SL)

SIMON: (gasping) Hello mum.

DAME TROTT: Hello, Simon. Do you know where your brother Jack is? He’s supposed to be taking Buttercup to market this morning.

SIMON: You’re not selling Buttercup, are you mum?

DAME TROTT: I would never sell Buttercup! I’m entering her in The Most Beautiful Cow Competition. She’s bound to win and the prize money will pay off my debts.

SIMON: (still gasping) I haven’t seen Jack all morning, mum.

DAME TROTT: How come you’re out of breath?

SIMON: You said we had to economise. So, I ran all the way here behind a bus to save on bus fare.

DAME TROTT: How much did you save?

SIMON: 50p.

DAME TROTT: You should’ve run behind a taxi and saved a tenner.

SIMON: I’ll try and remember that next time.

DAME TROTT: Let me see those milk bottles. (examines a bottle) You idiot Simon! All that jogging has turned the milk to butter. That’s more money down the drain. It’s no wonder people call you Simple Simon. I’m off to find Jack. (exits SL with milk carrier)

SIMON: (to audience) I’m fed up with being called simple and being blamed for everything around here. I could do with a bit of cheering up. I tell you what. Every time I come on and shout hiya boys and girls! Will you all shout back, hiya Sensible Simon! Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enter) Hiya boys and girls! That was so-so. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That was a bit better, but still not loud enough. We’ll try it once more, and this time if you shout loud enough, I’ll share my sweeties with you. Hiya boys and Girls! Fantastic! Here you go. (distributes sweets)

Enter Jack (SR) with Buttercup, who has a big bow around her neck.

JACK: Hiya Simon!

SIMON: Where have you been Jack? Mum’s been looking everywhere for you.

JACK: I’ve been at the garage.

SIMON: But we don’t even own a car!

JACK: Mum asked me to wash and groom Buttercup, ready for the Most Beautiful Cow, contest. So, I took her through the car wash to save time.

Enter Chorus (SL) and fuss over Buttercup.

CHORUS: (variously) Hello Buttercup! Isn’t she sweet? Who’s a pretty cow then?

Buttercup reacts excitedly.

JACK: Come along Buttercup, it’s time to go to market.

CHORUS 1: I’m afraid the market’s shut, Jack.

SIMON: How come?

CHORUS 2: A big bull escaped and ran amok amongst the stalls.

JACK: But mum’s relying on Buttercup winning The Most Beautiful Cow contest.

CHORUS 3: Maybe she should enter the contest herself.

CHORUS 4: She’d probably get disqualified for being, udderly ugly!

Chorus laugh.

SIMON: Clear off you cheeky lot! That’s our mum you’re talking about!

Exit Chorus (SL) laughing.

JACK: It’s not like you to stick up for mum, Simon.

SIMON: Mum might have a face like a baboon’s bottom, Jack. But she’s still family.

JACK: We’d better go and tell her the market’s shut.

SIMON: How do you think she’ll take it?

JACK: The same way she takes every setback.

SIMON: She’ll have a meltdown?

JACK: Big style. Come along Buttercup.

Exit all (SR)

Enter Dottie (SL)

DAME TROTT: I can’t find Jack anywhere, so I’m off home to see if he’s there.

Enter Bean and Dunnit (SL) on push-scooters and run around stage.

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.

The screech to a halt either side of Dottie.

DUNNIT: Are you Dame Dottie Trott of Trott’s Dairy?

DAME TROTT: Who wants to know?

BEAN: We do. I’m Bean!

DUNNIT: And I’m Dunnit!

BEAN: And we’re broker’s agents.

DAME TROTT: That’s all right then, ‘cos I’m broke.

DUNNIT: We’re here about your energy payments.

BEAN: You’ve got a lot behind.

DUNNIT: (staring at her bosom) And quite a bit in front.

DAME TROTT: (hoisting her bosom) Cheek!

BEAN: You haven’t paid anything in months.

DAME TROTT: It’s been such a struggle, ever since I lost my poor husband. (dabs eyes)

DUNNIT: That was rather careless of you.

DAME TROTT: He died!

BEAN: Was that before or after you lost him?

DAME TROTT: He worked at a gunpowder factory, and believed he’d live longer by sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning. But it didn’t work, and he died suddenly. Leaving me with two sons, and a big hole in the wall of the crematorium to pay for.

BEAN: Don’t you have anything tucked away for a rainy day?

DAME TROTT: Only an umbrella. I also have hungry a cow to bring up, and it costs me ten pounds a week for beauty treatment.

DUNNIT: Looking at you, it isn’t working.

DAME TROTT: It’s for my cow, Buttercup! I’m perfect just as I am.

BEAN: (aside to audience) Perfectly ugly, that is.

DUNNIT: Let’s go, Bean.

DAME TROTT: You’re leaving?

BEAN: Yes, but if you don’t pay your bill, we’ll back to cut off your electric.

DAME TROTT: I’m shocked!

DUNNIT: And your gas.

SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.

DAME TROTT: Do excuse me. I had curried beans for supper.

BEAN: (wafting) Phwoar! Her gas certainly wants cutting off.

Exit Bean and Dunnit on their scooters (SL)

SFX: Sound of motorbike engines – screeching tyres – horn, etc.

DAME TROTT: (to audience) If you ever feeling lonely and think everybody’s forgotten about you. Just try missing a couple of payments. Luckily, I can rely on Buttercup winning that beauty contest, to save me from being cut off. I just hope she remembers to smile and flutter her eyelashes at the judges.

Enter Jack and Simon, with Buttercup (SR)

SIMON: Hiya boys and girls!

DAME TROTT: Where have you been Jack? I’ve looked everywhere for you.

JACK: You can’t have, mum.

DAME TROTT: Why can’t I?

JACK: Because you didn’t look where I was.

DAME TROTT: You’re getting as daft as Simon.

SIMON: I’m not stupid mum!

DAME TROTT: Then why did you rub ketchup in your eyes this morning?

SIMON: Because you once said that Heinz sight was a wonderful thing.

DAME TROTT: I think that proves my point. How much did Buttercup win, Jack?

JACK: Nothing, mum.

DAME TROTT: What? After all the beauty treatment and deportment lessons I paid for?

SIMON: There contest was called off.

DAME TROTT: How come?

JACK: A mad bull escaped and wrecked the place.

DAME TROTT: Then I’m afraid it’s back to the bare essentials, for us.

SIMON: I’m not stripping off for anybody!

Enter Chorus (SL) in excitement and take up positions.

Enter the Royal Chamberlain (SR)

CHAMBERS: (bangs his mace) Their royal majesties, the King and Queen! And her highness, Princess Lima!

Enter King, Queen and Princess Lima (SR)

CHORUS: Hooray!

KING: Thank you all for that wonderful greeting!

QUEEN: It’s always nice to receive a warm hand on one’s entrance.

CHAMBERS: (loudly) Princess Lima will now make her first public announcement!

CHORUS: Hooray!

PRINCESS: Thank you for that encouraging cheer. The first thing I want to say is, does anybody know what happened on…(TV prog)…last night? Only I missed it. Also, don’t let Snot bother you. The giant that is, not the other sort.

CHORUS 1: Something must be done about the giant!

KING: And it will, I assure you.

CHORUS 2: When?

QUEEN: Just as soon as we find somebody brave enough, to take him on.

KING: Whoever rids us of Snot, will win the hand of Princess Lima in marriage!

CHORUS: Hooray!

PRINCESS: (shocked) Father! I’m a person, and not a possession to be given away!

KING: Sorry dear, old habits die hard. Attention everybody! Scrub that last bit. Whoever rids us of Snot, will receive half of our kingdom!

SIMON: Just think what you could buy with half the kingdom, Jack.

JACK: I’d rather have the hand of the Princess.

DAME TROTT: You’d have a job spending that in the shops.

SIMON: Unless it was a second-hand shop. (laughs)

CHAMBERS: The royal party will now move amongst you and press the flesh!

DAME TROTT: Did you hear that boys? They’re going to press our flesh!

SIMON: And you’ve got more than most to press.

DAME TROTT: I’ll press my boot against your bottom in a minute!

Royals meet and greet.

PRINCESS: (greets Jack) Hello there. And what’s your name?

JACK: Jack Trott, your highness. And I intend to rid the kingdom of Snot the Giant.

PRINCESS: You’d like to win half the kingdom, Jack?

JACK: I’d rather take your father’s first offer.

PRINCESS: I’m afraid my hand isn’t his to give. But you could always ask for it yourself.

JACK: And if I did, what would your answer be then?

PRINCESS: Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?

CHAMBERS: (bangs mace) The royal family are departing shortly and would like to say a few words first!

KING: Thank you all for your warm hospitality.

QUEEN: We shall return tomorrow, to officially open Mutch Twittering Fair.

JACK: (to Princess) You’re leaving already?

PRINCESS: Yes, but we’ll be back tomorrow for the fair. Will you be here?

JACK: I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Princess.

PRINCESS: I’ll see you tomorrow then.

Exit Royal Party (SR)

Exit Chorus, who drift off (SL)

DAME TROTT: You’re not seriously thinking about taking on the giant, are you Jack?

JACK: Yes, mum.

SIMON: But he must be fifty-feet tall, Jack!

JACK: The bigger they are the harder they fall, Simon.

DAME TROTT: Well just make sure he doesn’t fall on our house. We’re not insured.

SIMON: I can’t wait to visit the fair tomorrow.

DAME TROTT: Forget the fair, Simon.

JACK: Aren’t we going then, mum?

DAME TROTT: We don’t have money for fairs. Now let’s get home while we still have one.

Exit Dottie, Simon and Jack (SL)

Enter Bean and Dunnit (SR)

BEAN: I wonder how people manage after we cut off their electric?

DUNNIT: I suppose they just have to watch TV in the dark.

Enter Fleshcreep (SL) with a FOR SALE board and a large mallet.

FLESHCREEP: Good afternoon. Are you perchance, Bean and Dunnit, broker’s agents?

BEAN: Yes, we are. What can we do for you?

FLESHCREEP: I’m Fleshcreep, and I’m a rent collector. But it’s a big job and I’m looking for somebody to help me. Would you be interested?

DUNNIT: What’s in it for us?

FLESHCREEP: You may keep ten percent of whatever you collect.

BEAN: We’ll do it!

FLESHCREEP: Here’s a list. (hands list over) Collect the cash and meet me at the fair tomorrow, at noon.

DUNNIT: And what about those who don’t pay up?

FLESHCREEP: Evict them and put this up. (hands them sign and mallet and exits SL)

BEAN: That was a stroke of luck wasn’t it.

DUNNIT: We’ll make a killing collecting rent.

BEAN: What’s ten percent of a killing?

DUNNIT: I don’t know, but it’s bound to be a lot. Now, let’s go.