SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF MUTCH TWITTERING
Trott’s Dairy is [USR] Chorus and Jack are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus and Jack. After song ends…
JACK: That was a blast, wasn’t it?
CHORUS 1: It sure was, Jack!
SFX: Lights flicker and thunder rolls.
Chorus look up in fear.
CHORUS 2: It sounds like Snot the Giant’s moving his furniture about again.
CHORUS 3: I hate being reminded of him up there.
GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!
I hate human scum!
Exit Chorus screaming.
JACK: One day I’ll bring Snot down to earth, or my name isn’t Jack Trott. I’d better check on our cow, Buttercup. The giant’s roar always makes her nervous. See you later, boys and girls. [waves and exits SR]
Music cue 2: Enter Witch Hazel [DSL] carrying a broomstick.
WITCH: Don’t worry about the giant, boys and girls, he loves children. Especially in steak and kiddie pie. [laughs]
GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!
Hurry up and feed me, Mum!
WITCH: I’m not really Snot’s mum. I only magicked him up to terrify the villagers, but I’m fed up with running about after him now. I’ll get my slave to do it for me instead. [shouts] Fleshcreep!
Enter Fleshcreep at a run [SR]
FLESHCREEP: You called, your evilness?
WITCH: Snot’s hungry again.
FLESHCREEP: Snot’s always hungry.
WITCH: That’s because he has a giant belly to fill.
FLESHCREEP: How can I help, mistress?
WITCH: You can capture some humans and take them to his castle for his tea.
FLESHCREEP: But how can I get up to his castle in the clouds, your nastiness?
WITCH: On this broomstick I recently pinched from Harry Potter.
FLESHCREEP: Cor! It’s the Nimbus XR2, and it’s in mint condition!
WITCH: And I want you to keep it that way.
FLESHCREEP: I’ll treat it like a baby, Mistress.
WITCH: I hope not, you usually eat babies.
FLESHCREEP: I’ve given up eating babies, Mistress.
WITCH: How come?
FLESHCREEP: I’ve moved on to toddlers now. [laughs]
SFX: Thunder rolls.
WITCH: Snot’s tummy’s rumbling. Feed him and then collect the villager’s rent.
FLESHCREEP: Yes, your dreadfulness. [exits SL]
WITCH: And now I can concentrate on making the stupid villager’s lives even
more miserable than they already are. [exits SL laughing]
Enter Chorus [SR] Music cue 3: Chorus. At some point, Dame Dottie enters [USR] and walks down a corridor made by the Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
DAME TROTT: Hello, boys and girls, mums and dads! I’m Dame Dottie Trott of Trott’s Dairy, and I supply milk to the village of Mutch Twittering. Not me personally…[hoists bosom]…my cow Buttercup, and it’s delivered by my sons, Jack and Simon. Jack’s a clever lad, but Simon’s a bit dim. Mind you he was born during a power cut. [twirls] Do you like the outfit? Some people call me a diva, but I believe if you’ve got it, flaunt it. Mind you, with the cost-of-living crisis, I can’t afford dresses like this anymore. I also can’t afford my energy bills, and I’m in danger of being cut off.
Enter Simon at a run [SL]
SIMON: [gasping] Hello, Mum!
DAME TROTT: How come you’re all out of breath, Simon?
SIMON: You said we had to economise, so I ran all the way here behind a bus to save on the fare.
DAME TROTT: How much did you save?
SIMON: 50p.
DAME TROTT: You should’ve run behind a taxi and saved a tenner.
SIMON: I’ll try to remember that the next time.
DAME TROTT: You haven’t seen your brother Jack anywhere, have you?
SIMON: Why do you ask, Mum?
DAME TROTT: He’s supposed to be taking Buttercup to market this morning.
SIMON: You’re not selling her, are you, Mum?
DAME TROTT: No, I’m entering her in The Most Beautiful Cow Contest. She’s bound to win, and the prize money will pay off all my debts.
SIMON: I haven’t seen Jack all morning.
DAME TROTT: Let me see those milk bottles. [checks] All that jogging’s turned the milk to butter. It’s no wonder everybody calls you ‘Simple Simon’.
SIMON: I’m not stupid, Mum!
DAME TROTT: Well, you give a very good impression.
SIMON: If I’m stupid, then it’s your genes to blame.
DAME TROTT: Any stupid genes come from your father’s side of the gene pool.
SIMON: What makes you say that?
DAME TROTT: He was from the shallow end.
SIMON: How come you’ve never told me what happened to dad?
DAME TROTT: I’m waiting until you’ve grown up before I tell you the grisly details
SIMON: I’m grown up now, Mum.
DAME TROTT: Only from the neck down, son. If you must know, he believed he’d live longer by sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning. But he died suddenly, leaving me with two sons to bring up, and a big hole in the crematorium wall to pay for. Mind you, he always said he wanted to go out with a bang.
SIMON: It sounds like he did that all right.
DAME TROTT: I’d better try to find Jack, or Buttercup might miss the beauty contest. Bye Simon! [exits SL]
SIMON: It gets me down when people call me ‘Simple Simon’; but maybe you can all help cheer me up. Whenever I come on and shout ‘hiya, boys and girls’, will you all shout back, ‘hiya, Simon’? And help to cheer me up. Okay, let’s have a practice. [exits and re-enters] Hiya, boys and girls! Let’s try it again, and if you shout loud enough, I’ll share my sweeties with you. [repeat business] Fantastic! Here you go. [distributes sweets]
Enter Jack [SR] with Buttercup, who wears a big bow on her head.
JACK: Hiya, Simon!
SIMON: Where have you been, Jack? Mum’s been looking everywhere for you.
JACK: I’ve been at the garage.
SIMON: But you don’t own a car, Jack. No pun intended.
JACK: Mum asked me to wash and groom Buttercup ready for the cow beauty contest, and I thought I’d save time by taking her through the car wash.
SIMON: Don’t you mean the cow wash? [laughs]
