SCENE ONE
NEVERLAND
Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Music cue 4: Enter Lost Boys [SL]
NIBS: This was great fun wasn’t it boys?
SLIGHTLY: It certainly was Nibs.
CUBBY: There’s nothing like a fight with the Nerverlandee tribe to start the day.
TOOTLES: It’s just a shame Peter doesn’t join in anymore.
NIBS: He was always first up ready to go adventuring.
SLIGHTLY: Now he sleeps in late every day.
Enter Tinkerbell [SR]
TINK: Hello Lost Boys!
LOST BOYS: Hi Tinkerbell!
TINK: Have you been on your daily adventure?
CUBBY: Yes Tink, and it was wonderful!
TINK: Where’s Peter?
TOOTLES: He’s probably still in bed.
TINK: He’s not ill is he?
NIBS: No Tink, he’s just lazy.
SLIGHTLY: He never comes on our adventures anymore.
CUBBY: He doesn’t seem the same old Peter these days.
TINK: I hope he isn’t missing that Wendy person who came here before.
TOOTLES: I don’t think so Tink, he never mentions her now.
TINK: Good! She had nothing worth missing anyway.
NURSIE: [singing off] ‘Oh what a beautiful morning…’
NIBS: That sounds like Nursie!
SLIGHTLY: She’ll probably ask us all how we are.
CUBBY: I always feel fine before seeing her and sick afterwards.
TOOTLES: Let’s scarper before she sees us.
Exit Lost Boys and Tinkerbell at a run [USR]
Enter Nursie [SL]
NURSIE: Hello boys and girls! I’m Nurse Bedpan, Neverland’s Chief Nursing Officer, and it’s my job to keep everybody in rude health. The ruder the better! [laughs] Now, everybody open your mouths and say aaah! [wafts] Phwoar! Has nobody heard of mouthwash!? Only kidding, now let’s do it properly. When I raise my hand like this…[flips hand up]…I want you to open your gobs and go aaah! And when I drop it…[hand down]…stop, okay? Here we go then. [hand up and down three times in quick succession then sings]…‘staying alive, staying alive…’ You all sound in fine fettle and I want to keep it that way, so whenever I come on and shout how are you all? If you’re fine, shout, tip-top Nursie! If not, keep quiet, nobody likes a moaner.
Enter Peter [DSR] yawning and stretching.
PETER: Morning Nursie!
NURSIE: Try lunchtime Peter.
PETER: Is it that time already?
NURSIE: Don’t tell me you’ve only just got up.
PETER: Yes Nursie. I was up all-night binge-watching…[latest series]…on Netflix.
NURSIE: You never used to watch TV, you’d always be out having real adventures.
PETER: People slow down as they get older, Nursie.
NURSIE: But you don’t get older! You’re the boy who never grows up, remember?
PETER: Then how come I feel older?
NURSIE: Maybe it’s because you sit around all day?
PETER: Does sitting around all day make you older?
NURSIE: No, it just makes you feel older and gives you a podgy belly.
PETER: You must sit around an awful lot then.
NURSIE: Cheek!
PETER: Maybe I should join a gym and get fit.
NURSIE: But you already have a free outdoor gym.
PETER: What outdoor gym?
NURSIE: Climbing rocks, swinging from trees, flying?
PETER: I haven’t flown in ages Nursie, it’s too tiring.
NURSIE: Have you never heard the saying, use it or lose it?
PETER: I don’t believe in old sayings. I haven’t had breakfast yet Nursie, would you mind making me some porridge?
NURSIE: Make your own!
PETER: But I don’t know how, and Tink says you’re the best cook ever.
NURSIE: Flattery will get you everywhere. All right I’ll make you some porridge.
PETER: Then follow me to our hideout. [turns to go]
NURSIE: Shouldn’t you say hello to all these boys and girls first?
PETER: [looking out] What are they all doing here?
NURSIE: They’re hoping to be entertained watching you having exciting adventures.
PETER: I’ll entertain them after breakfast.
NURSIE: And how exactly will you entertain them?
PETER: I’ve been learning a tap-dance routine.
NURSIE: I think they’d rather see you battling pirates than doing musical Pilates.
PETER: Ever since I defeated Hook and banished him from Neverland, there are no pirates left to fight.
NURSIE: What about Indians?
PETER: They don’t take fights seriously anymore.
NURSIE: But it’s only pretend fighting!
PETER: Yes, and they’re supposed to pretend it’s real.
NURSIE: Was it pretend fighting with Hook and the pirates too?
PETER: No Nursie, that was deadly real, and it didn’t half get my adrenalin pumping.
NURSIE: It sounds to me as though you miss fighting Hook.
PETER: The only thing I’m missing is breakfast. [impatient] Now, let’s go!
NURSIE: I might have some porridge myself. It’s ages since I had any oats.
Exit Peter and Nursie [SR]
Music cue 5: Enter Hook [SL]
HOOK: Avast bilge-rats! I’ll bet you were all wondering when the star of the show would arrive! Yes, it’s me! I don’t mean Smee, as in my useless ex-first mate. I mean, it’s me, Captain Hook! Back in the spotlight where I belong! And back in Neverland to take it over once and for all! [laughs] I promised Peter Pan I wouldn’t return, but I had my fingers crossed at the time, so it doesn’t count does it. Smee and the other pirates let me down big time, so I’ve asked my good friend Long John Silver to loan me two of his nastiest pirates to help me get rid of Pan for good, and they should be arriving at any minute. Music cue 6: That sounds like them now. Prepare to meet the meanest, rottenest, most vicious pirates ever to grace a panto stage!
Enter Skull and Bones [SL]
SKULL: Are you Cap’n Hook, the nastiest pirate that’s ever lived?
HOOK: Yes, and I’m nastier than you could ever imagine! I’m the crème de la crème of evilness! Are you the pirates sent by Long John?
SKULL & BONES: Yes, Cap’n.
HOOK: Names!
SKULL: I’m Skull!
BONES: And I’m Bones!
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