Hansel And Gretel

SCENE ONE

THE TOWN OF BAKERSVILLE

Ma Kipling’s bakery is [USR] Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

SFX: Pyro flash.

MA KIPLING: [screams off] Aaaah!

CHORUS 1: What was all that screaming about?

CHORUS 2: It sounded like somebody being murdered!

CHORUS 3: Either that, or Ma Kipling singing again.

Enter Ma Kipling, from the shop, covered in bits of dough.

MA KIPLING: Ooooh!

CHORUS 4: What happened, Ma?

MA KIPLING: I was making a cake from Mary Berry’s new cookbook, and it exploded.

CHORUS 1: The cookbook!?

MA KIPLING: No you idiot, the cake!

CHORUS 2: What sort of cake was it, Ma?

MA KIPLING: Bombe Surprise.

CHORUS 3: No wonder it exploded!

CHORUS 4: Try using baking powder instead of gunpowder next time, Ma.

Exit Chorus laughing [SR]

MA KIPLING: Cheeky lot! [to audience] Hello, my little cupcakes! I’m Ma Kipling and this is my bakery. The Kipling family are renowned for making exceedingly good cakes. So, every time I come on and ask, how are you all? I want you to reply, exceedingly good Ma. Okay? Let’s try it then. [exits and re-enters] How are you all? Wonderful! Hands up if you like The Great British Bake Off? Then you’ll be pleased to know they’re filming a special episode right here in Bakersville, and I’m in it! How cool is that? I’ve been trying to find my shop boy to help me clean the kitchen, but he’s nowhere to be found. I suppose I’ll just have to do it myself. See you all later! [exits inside shop]

Enter Jimmy [SL] carrying a shopping bag.

JIMMY: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Jimmy Dodger. That’s Jimmy, not Jammy, and I work at Ma Kipling’s bakery. But I’m feeling a bit sad this morning. [a beat] I’m sadder than that! One thing that cheers people up when they’re feeling sad, is having lots of friends on Facebook, but I don’t have many friends. I’ve less than that! I expect you all have lots of friends, don’t you? Would you like another one? Great! And now that we’re all friends, whenever I enter, I’ll shout hiya friends! And you can all shout back, hiya Jimmy! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. Hiya friends! Brill! I overslept this morning, and Ma Kipling might be mad at me for being late for work. So, I’ve been and bought her a prezzie to soften her up a bit.

Enter Ma Kipling from bakery.

MA KIPLING: Jimmy Dodger! Where have you been all morning!?

JIMMY: I just popped out to buy you a prezzie Ma.

MA KIPLING: But it’s not even my birthday.

JIMMY: It’s not a birthday present Ma.

MA KIPLING: Then what’s it for?

JIMMY: It’s to show my appreciation to you for being such a kind employer.

MA KIPLING: Flattery will get you everywhere Jimmy. Where is it, then?

JIMMY: It’s in here. [opens bag]

MA KIPLING: [delves in and brings out two small packets of flour] Flour! I run a flaming bakery, what do I want with more flour!?

JIMMY: But you’re always saying you’d love somebody to buy you flours.

MA KIPLING: I meant from a florist, you numpty!

JIMMY: Don’t have a go at me Ma, I’m feeling really down today.

MA KIPLING: And why is that Jimmy?

JIMMY: My budgie drowned.

MA KIPLING: I told you not to keep it in a goldfish bowl, it ought to be kept in a cage.

JIMMY: I tried that, but the water kept running out.

MA KIPLING: It’s a good job I don’t run a pet shop.

JIMMY: And my girlfriend’s just fallen out with me. Look at this letter she sent me.

MA KIPLING: [turning letter over] This letter’s blank Jimmy.

JIMMY: I know, she’s not speaking to me at the moment.

MA KIPLING: Well, I am! And if you go awol again, you can start polishing up your CV.

JIMMY: I can’t do that, Ma.

MA KIPLING: Why not?

JIMMY: I don’t own a French car.

MA KIPLING: I sometimes wonder if you own a brain.

JIMMY: I’m not stupid, Ma!

MA KIPLING: Then how come yesterday you spent hours doing a jigsaw puzzle, until I pointed out it was a tin of broken biscuits?

JIMMY: I was just trying to find a whole one.

MA KIPLING: Pull the other one. By the way, did you clean out all those pans like I asked?

JIMMY: Yes Ma. I scrubbed and scrubbed until they were all shiny, without a speck of black inside them.

MA KIPLING: You idiot Jimmy! Teflon non-stick pans are supposed to be black inside!

JIMMY: Well how was I supposed to know? Anyway, if Teflon’s non-stick, then how come it sticks to the inside of the pan?

MA KIPLING: I don’t care how it sticks, I just want it to stay stuck!

Enter Charlotte at a run [SL]

CHARLOTTE: [excited] Mum! Mum!

MA KIPLING: [to audience] This is my beautiful daughter, Charlotte. Can I cook or what? What is it dear?

CHARLOTTE: I’ve just heard that Prince Persipan is coming to Bakersville for The Great British Bake Off, to present the winner’s award!

MA KIPLING: I’m more interested in meeting that sexy, Paul Hollywood. Oooh! He can knead my floury baps anytime. [hoists bosom]

CHARLOTTE: Muuum! You know I hate innuendo.

JIMMY: I hate all Italian suppositories. [to audience] It’s a slow burner that one.

CHARLOTTE: I also heard that Barry Bagel’s entering the Great British Bake Off.

MA KIPLING: He’s got no chance against me.

CHARLOTTE: Bagel’s a bad’un mum and will stop at nothing to win.

JIMMY: I hear he’s connected with…[whispers]…the Cosa Nostra.

MA KIPLING: You mean that new coffee shop on the high street?

JIMMY: The Cosa Nostra is another name for the mafia, Ma.

MA KIPLING: Well I never! Fancy naming a coffee shop after the mafia.

CHARLOTTE: What will you be making for the Bake Off, mum?

MA KIPLING: What’s the one thing that Ma Kipling’s is famous for?

JIMMY: Giving short-change?

MA KIPLING: No! My Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes!