Dame Dumpling’s Kitchen
Music cue 14: Children/Chorus. After song ends…All exit. Dame, Goldilocks, Igor and the Three Bears enter (SR)
Dame Dolly (to Igor and Bears) Welcome to my humble abode.
M. Bear It’s very good of you to let us stay, Dame Dumpling.
B. Bear Frogmella will never find us here.
SFX: Door knocking.
The Bears look startled.
B. Bear Maybe I spoke too soon.
Goldilocks Quick you, bears! Go and hide upstairs!
The Bears exit (SL)
Igor I’ll see who it is.
Igor opens the door and Professor Stein enters.
Dame Dolly Professor Stein!
Professor Where are the talking bears?
Goldilocks (innocently) Talking bears, Professor?
Professor I know they are here.
Igor Who told you that?
Music cue 15: Fairy Good enters.
Fairy Good I did.
Dame Dolly Who are you?
Fairy Good I’m Fairy Good.
Dame Dolly Fair enough.
Professor She is a charlatan! There are no such things as fairies.
Fairy Good Of course I’m a Fairy. Look, I’ve got the outfit…the wand…the magic words…
Dame Dolly …And what are these magic words?
Fairy Good They’re…(thinks)…no, don’t tell me…it’s ‘bangers’ and something. Oh, me and my memory. It’s a good job I have my backup. (to audience) What are the magic words, boys and girls? (response) Bangers and mash, that’s it! Thanks!
Igor All right, the bears are here. But no one must know.
Professor Why not?
Goldilocks Because a nasty witch is after their magic cooking pot, and will stop at nothing to get hold of it.
Professor There is no such thing as magic, fairies or witches. But I would like to meet these talking bears. Purely in the interests of science you understand.
Dame Dolly (calls) You can come down now!
M. Bear and F. Bear enter (SL)
F. Bear (offers a handshake) Professor Stein, I presume.
Professor (ecstatic) At last, I have found the talking bears!
M. Bear But if you found us, then so might Frogmella.
F. Bear And we’ll need more than bangers and mash to beat her.
Goldilocks Why don’t we ask the villagers to help us?
Igor Good idea Goldie. Come on everybody, let’s go and tell them what Frogmella’s up to.
M. Bear What about Teddy? He’s asleep upstairs.
Dame Dolly I’ll look after him. Now off you go, and I’ll have a nice big pot of porridge waiting for when you return.
Igor Follow me everyone.
The others follow Igor off through the front door.
Professor I mustn’t let the talking bears out of my sight! (exits after them)
Dame Dolly Just a minute. I don’t know how to make porridge.
SFX: Door knocking.
Dame Dolly Come in!
Ant and Dec enter through door.
Ant (to Dame) Hello Miss. Is your mum in?
Dame Dolly No, she’s out hang-gliding. Can I be of assistance?
Dec Yes. (takes out a tub of butter and a knife and proceeds to ‘butter’ her)
Dame Dolly Ooooh! What a liberty!
Ant (pulling him away) What do you think you’re doing?
Dec Buttering her up, like Frogmella said.
Ant She meant flatter her, you idiot! (to Dame) Sorry about that madam. My colleague suffers from a rare affliction of the brain.
Dame Dolly What’s that, then?
Ant He hasn’t got one.
Dec Dame Dumpling, you have the grace of a dancer.
Ant (aside to audience) A clog dancer.
Dec The body of a model.
Ant (aside to audience) A model bus.
Dec And the looks of a film star.
Ant (aside to audience) Shrek.
Dame Dolly (preening) That’s all very flattering, but I can’t stand here all day listening to you telling me how wonderful I am. I have a pot of porridge to make.
Dec We love porridge, don’t we Ant?
Ant (nods) Yeah!
Dame Dolly Really! I don’t suppose you know how to make it, do you?
Dec We certainly do.
Dame Dolly So, what do I need then?
Ant Excuse us again. (takes Dec aside) Do you remember how mam used to make porridge?
Dec Yeah, she got some stuff out of a box.
Ant I know that, you twit! But can you remember what it said on the box?
Dec Ready, something.
Ant Ready steady go?
Dec No it wasn’t that.
Ant Ready or not here I come?
Dec No, it wasn’t that either.
Ant Ready-mixed concrete?
Dec No, but it used to set like concrete.
Ant That’s true. Even her fairy cakes were like bricks.
Dec Bricks! That’s it! It said, Ready Brix!
Dame Dolly Well?
Ant (to Dame) We need some bricks!
Dame Dolly I’ll hit you with one in a minute! I don’t believe you know how to make porridge at all.
Dec Yes, we do! But it might jog our memory if we could look at a recipe book.
Dame Dolly (picks up a cookbook) Here we are. Delia Smith’s ‘Cooking For Dummies’. (opens the book) Let’s see now. Porridge…porridge…here we are. (reads) First, you need to go into a field and sow your oats. Well I’ve already done that. Then wait five months for it to grow. I can’t wait that long! I’d better skip forward a few pages. (turns several pages) Here we are. Take one box of oats and a bucket of milk. (to Dec) Right, you fetch the oats…(to Ant)…and you fetch the milk.
Ant & Dec Okey-dokey!
Ant and Dec exit (SR)
Dame Dolly I’m looking forward to this. It’s ages since I had any oats.
Dec enters with a box of oats.
Dec (holds up the box) Here’s the oats!
Dame Dolly Good. Now we just need some milk.
Ant enters with an empty bucket.
Ant (shows the empty bucket) I couldn’t find any milk.
Dame Dolly Never mind, we can get some from my cow Buttercup. She’s just sunbathing on the patio, so you’d better help me call her. After three…three!
All (call) Buttercup!
Dame Dolly It’s no use, she’s deaf as a doorpost. (to audience) Will you boys and girls help us call Buttercup? (response) After three…three! (leads audience) Buttercup!
Buttercup enters (SL) wearing a flowery hat, sunglasses and a large hearing-aid around her neck, which is plugged into her ears.
Dec I’ve never seen a cow wearing an iPod before.
Dame Dolly That’s her hearing-aid. (Buttercup dances) It keeps picking up… (name of local radio station – turns to Ant) Right you, get milking.
Ant places the bucket under Buttercup’s udders and walks around Buttercup scratching his head.
Dame Dolly What are you looking for?
Ant A handle. (grabs Buttercup’s tail) Here it is. (pumps her tail up and down)
SFX: Squeaking handle noise.
Dec (looking at the bucket) I think it’s run out of milk.
Dame Dolly And you’ve both run out of brains. Here, let me show you how it’s done. (pushes Ant out of the way, kneels by Buttercup and gives a few hefty tugs at her udders. A carton of milk falls into the bucket and she lifts it out) Thank you Buttercup, you can go now. (Buttercup doesn’t move) I said, you can go now! (Buttercup doesn’t move) I’ll just turn her hearing-aid up. (does so and shouts) You can go now!
Buttercup straightens up and drops another carton of milk, then runs off (SL)
Dame Dolly Blimey! Next time I need an extra pinta, I’ll just turn up the volume. (to Dec) Now, you pour the oats into that pot over there…(to Ant)…and you add the milk.
Ant pours oats into the pot and Dec throws in an unopened milk carton.
Dec No, you idiot! The instructions said two pints! (throws the other unopened carton into the pot)
Dame Dolly Give it a good stir.
Ant & Dec Righto. (they stir the pot)
Dame Dolly Now keep an eye on it, whilst I go and check on the bear…I mean…go and check on my hair. (exits SL)
Ant Quick! Let’s steal the pot and scarper.
They strain to lift the pot, without success.
Dec It’s too heavy with all that porridge in it.
Ant Then we’ll just have to get rid of it.
Ant I’ve got an idea. (to audience) Would anybody like some lovely porridge? (response) Right Dec, you serve the ones on the left and I’ll serve the ones on the right.
They load the plates with porridge (stage foam/custard pie) before heading into the audience. They pick out members of the audience ‘pie’ them before returning to the stage. (see properties for alternative action)
Dec They seemed to enjoy that porridge, Ant.
Ant They sure did. Let’s fill up some more plates.
They chuck the dirty plates upstage and load two more plates with porridge.
Dame Dolly enters.
Dame Dolly ’Ere, what are you doing with that porridge?
Dec Oh…er…we thought we’d let the audience taste it first, to see if it’s up to scratch.
Dame Dolly What a good idea. But you must learn how to serve it like a proper waiter. Allow me to demonstrate. (stands between them and positions their hands like a waiter holding the plates of ‘porridge’ with her own hands underneath the plates) Perfect. Now, on the count of three I want you to say ‘here is your porridge, sir’. (get audience to count) One…two…three!
Ant & Dec Here is your porridge, sir.
Dame Dolly And here’s yours! (brings her hands up and shoves the plates into their faces) That’s for messing up my kitchen.
Baby Bear enters (SR) and Ant and Dec point at him, knowingly.
B. Bear (sniffs) Mmmm! Porridge! Can I have some?
Dame Dolly ’Course you can, er…son.
Ant & Dec Son!?
Dame Dolly He’s adopted. (to Baby Bear) I’ll just fetch you some. (goes to the pot turning her back on them and starts loading a plate)
Ant (takes Dec aside) We’ll never get our hands on the cooking pot now. Let’s nab Baby Bear instead.
They take Baby Bear by the arms and drag him towards the door.
Ant Come along Teddy.
B. Bear Let go of me!
Dame Dolly (turns and spots them) Where do you think you’re going with him?DecWe’re just taking him for a little walk, while the porridge cools down.
Dame Dolly Oh no, you don’t. I’m not letting him go off with total strangers.
Ant He’ll be perfectly safe and we’ll bring him straight back.
Dec (to Ant) I thought we were kidnapping him and taking him to Frogmella?
Ant (hits him) You idiot!
B. Bear It’s the burglars!
Dame Dolly Burglars, in my house! Let me at them! (rushes at them, but Dec pulls her oversized hat down over her eyes) Help! Who turned the lights out?
Ant (to Dec) Let’s go!
Ant and Dec drag Baby Bear off, leaving Dame struggling with the hat.
Dame Dolly Help! Burglars! Kidnappers!
Goldilocks and Igor rush on (SR) followed by F. Bear, M. Bear, Professor Stein and Fairy Good, also some Villagers.
Goldilocks What’s the matter, mum?
Dame Dolly (finally manages to get the hat off) They’ve kidnapped Baby Bear!
M. Bear My poor baby!
F. Bear Frogmella must be behind this!
Fairy Good Fear not. I’ll use my magic to find him. (exits)
Professor Forget magic. I will return to my laboratory, and use science to find him. (exits)
Goldilocks Don’t worry Mr and Mrs Bear. Together, we’ll find Baby Bear.