Dame Dolly’s Kitchen
Music cue 14: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus.
Enter Dolly, Goldilocks, Igor and The Three Bears (SR)
DOLLY: Welcome to my humble abode.
M. BEAR: It’s very good of you to let us stay with you, Dame Dumpling.
B. BEAR: Frogmella won’t find us here.
SFX: Door knocking.
F. BEAR: Maybe you spoke too soon Teddy.
GOLDILOCKS: Go and hide upstairs bears!
Exit Bears (SL)
GOLDILOCKS: I’ll see who it is. (exits SR and returns with Professor Stein)
IGOR: Professor Stein!
PROFESSOR: Where are the talking bears?
DOLLY: (innocently) Talking bears, Professor?
PROFESSOR: I know they are here.
GOLDILOCKS: Who told you that?
Music cue 15: Enter Fairy Good (SR)
FAIRY: I did.
DOLLY: Who are you?
FAIRY: I’m Fairy Good.
PROFESSOR: She is a charlatan! There are no such things as fairies.
FAIRY: Of course I’m a Fairy! I’ve got the outfit, the wand and the magic words!
IGOR: And what are these magic words?
FAIRY: They’re…no, don’t tell me. It’s bangers and…oh, me and my memory. It’s a good job I have my backup. What are the magic words, boys and girls? Bangers and mash, that’s it! Thank you!
DOLLY: All right, the bears are here. But nobody must know.
PROFESSOR: And why not?
GOLDILOCKS: Because an evil witch is after their magic cooking pot and will stop at nothing to get it.
PROFESSOR: There is no such thing as fairies, witches or magic pots. But I would like to meet these talking bears. Purely in the interests of science you understand.
DOLLY: (shouts) Come downstairs bears!
Enter F. Bear and M. Bear (SL)
F. BEAR: (offers a handshake) Professor Stein, I presume.
PROFESSOR: (ecstatic handshake) At last, I have found the talking bears!
M. BEAR: If you found us, then so might Frogmella.
F. BEAR: And we’ll need more than bangers and mash to beat her.
GOLDILOCKS: Why don’t we ask the villagers to help us?
IGOR: Come on everybody – let’s go and tell them what Frogmella’s up to.
M. BEAR: What about Teddy? He’s asleep upstairs.
DOLLY: I’ll mind him. Off you go and I’ll have a big pot of porridge ready for you all.
IGOR: Follow me everyone.
PROFESSOR: I mustn’t let the talking bears out of my sight!
Exit all (SR) leaving Dolly alone.
DOLLY: Just a minute – I don’t know how to make porridge.
SFX: Door knocking.
Enter Ant and Dec (SR)
DOLLY: Come in why don’t you!?
ANT: I beg your pardon Miss – but is your mother in?
DOLLY: No, she’s out. Can I be of assistance?
DEC: Yes. (produces a tub of butter and a knife and proceeds to butter her)
DOLLY: Oooh! What a liberty!
ANT: (pulling him aside) What do you think you’re doing, Dec?
DEC: Buttering her up like Frogmella said.
ANT: She meant flatter her you idiot! (to Dolly) I’m sorry about that madam – my colleague suffers from a rare affliction of the brain.
DOLLY: What’s that then?
ANT: He hasn’t got one.
DEC: Dame Dolly, you have the grace of a dancer.
ANT: (aside to audience) A clog dancer.
DEC: The body of a model.
ANT: (aside to audience) A model bus.
DEC: And the looks of a film star.
ANT: (aside to audience) Shrek.
DOLLY: (preening) That’s all very flattering, but I can’t stand here all day listening to you telling me how wonderful I am. I have a pot of porridge to make.
DEC: Oooh! We love porridge, don’t we Ant?
ANT: (nods) Yeah!
DOLLY: Really! I don’t suppose you know how to make it, do you?
DEC: We certainly do.
DOLLY: So, what do I need then?
ANT: One moment. (takes Dec aside) Do you remember how mam used to make our porridge?
DEC: Yeah – she got some stuff out of a box.
ANT: I know that, you twit! But can you remember what it said on the box?
DEC: Ready something.
ANT: Ready steady go?
DEC: No, it wasn’t that.
ANT: Ready or not here I come?
DEC: No, it wasn’t that either.
ANT: Ready-mixed concrete?
DEC: No, but it used to set like concrete.
ANT: That’s true. Even her sponge cakes were like bricks.
DEC: Bricks! That’s it! It said, Ready Brix!
ANT: (to Dolly) We need some bricks!
DOLLY: I’ll hit you with one in a minute! I don’t believe you know how to make porridge at all.
DEC: Yes, we do! But it might jog our memory if we could look at a recipe book.
DOLLY: (picks up a cookbook) Here we are! Delia Smith’s, Cooking For Dummies. Let’s see now. (flips page) Porridge – here we are! First, you go into a field and sow your oats. I’ve already done that. (reads on) Then wait five months for it to grow. I can’t wait that long! I’d better skip forward. (flips pages) Here we are. Take one box of oats and a bucket of milk. Right, you both fetch some oats and milk…(pointing SL)…from the pantry.
ANT & DEC: Okey-dokey!
Exit Ant and Dec (SL)
DOLLY: I’m looking forward to this. It’s ages since I’ve had any oats.
Enter Ant and Dec (SL)
DEC: (holds up the box) I’ve got the oats!
DOLLY: What about the milk?
ANT: There wasn’t any.
DOLLY: Never mind, we can get some from my cow, Buttercup. She’s sunbathing on the patio. Help me call her. After three – three!
ALL: (call) Buttercup!
DOLLY: It’s no use, she’s deaf as a doorpost. (to audience) Boys and girls, will you help us call Buttercup? After three – three! (shouts) Buttercup!
Enter Buttercup (SL) wearing a flowered hat, sunglasses and a large hearing-aid around her neck, which is plugged into her ears.
DEC: I’ve never seen a cow wearing an iPhone before.
DOLLY: That’s her hearing-aid. (Buttercup dances) It keeps picking up…(local radio station – hands a bucket to Ant) Right you two, get milking.
ANT: Righto. (places bucket under Buttercup’s udders and watches it)
Dec walks around Buttercup, scratching his head.
DOLLY: What are you looking for?
DEC: A handle. (grabs Buttercup’s tail) Here it is. (pumps her tail)
ANT: I think it’s run out of milk.
DOLLY: And you’ve both run out of brains. Here, let me show you how it’s done. (pushes Ant aside and gives a tug on Buttercup’s udders. A carton of milk falls into the bucket and she lifts it out) Thank you Buttercup, you can go now. (Buttercup doesn’t move) I said, you can go now! (Buttercup doesn’t move) I’ll just turn up her hearing-aid. (does so) You can go now, Buttercup!
Startled – Buttercup drops a carton of milk and exits at a run (SL)
DOLLY: Next time I need an extra pint, I’ll just turn up the volume. (to Dec) You pour the oats into that pot over there…(to Ant)…and you add the milk.
Dec pours oats into the pot and Ant puts in an unopened milk carton.
DEC: No, Ant! The instructions said two pints!
ANT: Sorry! (puts another unopened carton into the pot)
DOLLY: Give it a good stir.
DEC: Righto. (stirs pot)
DOLLY: Now, keep an eye on it while I go and check on the bear…I mean…check on my hair. (exits SL)
ANT: Come on Dec, let’s steal the pot and scarper.
They strain to lift the pot, without success.
DEC: It’s too heavy with all that porridge in it.
ANT: Then we’ll just have to get rid of it.
ANT: I’ve got an idea. (to audience) Would anybody like some lovely porridge?
DEC: You serve the ones on the left Ant, and I’ll serve the ones on the right.
They load 4 plates with porridge – pick up 2 each and go downstage.
Enter Dolly (SL)
DOLLY: ’Ere, what are you doing with that porridge?
DEC: We…er…thought we’d let the audience taste it, to see if it’s up to scratch.
DOLLY: Good idea. But you must learn how to serve it like a proper waiter. Allow me. (positions their hands) Perfect. Now, on the count of three I want you must say – your porridge, sir or madam. Are you ready?
ANT & DEC: Yes, Dolly!
ANT & DEC: Here is your porridge, sir or madam!
DOLLY: And here’s yours! (shoves their hands up splatting porridge in their faces) That’s for messing up my kitchen.
Enter B. Bear (SL)
B. BEAR: (sniffs) Mmmm! I smell Porridge! Can I have some please?
DOLLY: Of course you can…er…son.
ANT & DEC: Son!?
DOLLY: He’s adopted. (goes to the pot and starts stirring it)
ANT: We’ll never get our hands on the cooking pot now, Dec.
DEC: Then we’ll nab Baby Bear instead.
They take B. Bear by the arms and drag him towards the door.
ANT: Come with us Teddy.
B. BEAR: Let go of me!
DOLLY: (turns) Where do you think you’re going with him?
DEC: We’re taking him for a little walk, while the porridge cools.
DOLLY: Oh no, you don’t. I’m not letting him go off with total strangers.
ANT: He’ll be perfectly safe, and we’ll bring him straight back.
DEC: (to Ant) I thought we were kidnapping him and taking him to Frogmella?
ANT: (hits him) You idiot!
B. BEAR: It’s the burglars!
DOLLY: Burglars, in my house! Let me at them! (rushes at them, but Ant pulls her oversized hat down over her eyes) Help! Who turned out the lights!?
ANT: Let’s go out the back door, Dec!
Exit Ant and Dec with B. Bear (SL)
DOLLY: (removes the hat) Help! Burglars! Kidnappers!
Enter Goldilocks and Igor at a run (SR) followed by F. Bear, M. Bear, Professor Stein, Fairy Good and Chorus.
GOLDILOCKS: Whatever’s the matter, mum?
DOLLY: Some burglars have kidnapped Baby Bear!
M. BEAR: Oh, my poor baby!
F. BEAR: Frogmella must be behind this!
FAIRY: Don’t worry. I’ll use my magic to find him. (exits SR)
PROFESSOR: Forget her, magic. I will return to my laboratory and use science to find him. (exits SR)
GOLDILOCKS: Don’t worry Mr and Mrs Bear – together we’ll find your Teddy Bear!