Goldilocks And The Three Bears (Perusal)

Scene Five

Dame Dumpling’s Kitchen

Music cue 15: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus.

Enter Dame Dolly, Goldilocks, Igor and The Three Bears (SR)

Dolly Welcome to my humble abode.

M. Bear It’s very good of you to let us stay, Dame Dumpling.

B. Bear Frogmella will never find us here.

SFX: Door knocking.

B. Bear Maybe I spoke too soon.

Goldilocks Quick, you bears! Go and hide upstairs!

Exit Bears (SL)

Igor I’ll see who it is. (exits SR and returns with Professor Stein)

Dolly Professor Stein!

Professor Where are the talking bears?

Goldilocks (innocently) Talking bears, Professor?

Professor I know they are here.

Igor Who told you that?

Music cue 16: Enter Fairy Good (SR)

Fairy I did.

Dolly Who are you?

Fairy I’m Fairy Good.

Professor She is a charlatan! There are no such things as fairies.

Fairy Of course, I’m a Fairy. Look, I’ve got the outfit…the wand…the magic words…

Dolly…And what are these magic words?

Fairy They’re…(thinks)…no, don’t tell me…it’s bangers and…oh, me and my memory. It’s a good job I have my backup. What are the magic words, boys and girls? (response) Bangers and mash, that’s it! Thanks!

Igor All right, the bears are here. But nobody must know.

Professor And why not?

Goldilocks Because an evil witch is after their magic cooking pot and will stop at nothing to get it.

Professor There is no such thing as magic, fairies, witches or magic pots. But I would like to meet these talking bears. Purely in the interests of science you understand.

Dolly (calls) You can come down now, bears!

Enter M. Bear and F. Bear (SL)

F. Bear (offers a handshake) Professor Stein, I presume.

Professor (ecstatic handshake) At last, I have found the talking bears!

M. Bear If you found us, then so might Frogmella.

F. Bear And we’ll need more than bangers and mash to beat her.

Goldilocks Why don’t we ask the villagers to help us?

Igor Good idea Goldie. Come on everybody, let’s go and tell them what Frogmella’s up to.

M. Bear What about Teddy? He’s asleep upstairs.

Dolly I’ll watch him. Now off you go, and I’ll have a big pot of porridge ready for your return.

Igor Follow me everyone.

Professor I mustn’t let the talking bears out of my sight!

All exit (SR) leaving Dame Dolly alone onstage.

Dolly Hang on. I don’t know how to make porridge.

SFX: Door knocking.

Enter Ant and Dec (SR)

Dolly (snaps) Come in, why don’t you?

Ant I beg your pardon, Miss. But is your mother in?

Dolly No, she’s out. Can I be of assistance?

Dec Yes. (produces a tub of butter and a knife and proceeds to butter her)

Dolly Oooh! What a liberty!

Ant (pulling him aside) What do you think you’re doing, Dec?

Dec Buttering her up like Frogmella said.

Ant She meant flatter her, you idiot! (to Dame) I’m sorry about that madam. My colleague suffers from a rare affliction of the brain.

Dolly What’s that, then?

Ant He hasn’t got one.

Dec Dame Dumpling, you have the grace of a dancer.

Ant (aside to audience) A clog dancer.

Dec The body of a model.

Ant (aside to audience) A model bus.

Dec And the looks of a film star.

Ant (aside to audience) Shrek.

Dolly (preening) That’s all very flattering, but I can’t stand here all day listening to you telling me how wonderful I am. I have a pot of porridge to make.

Dec Oooh! We love porridge, don’t we Ant?

Ant (nods) Yeah!

Dolly Really! I don’t suppose you know how to make it, do you?

Dec We certainly do.

Dolly So, what do I need then?

Ant One moment. (takes Dec aside) Do you remember how mam used to make porridge?

Dec Yeah, she got some stuff out of a box.

Ant I know that, you twit! But can you remember what it said on the box?

Dec Ready, something.

Ant Ready steady go?

Dec No, it wasn’t that.

Ant Ready or not here I come?

Dec No, it wasn’t that either.

Ant Ready-mixed concrete?

Dec No, but it used to set like concrete.

Ant That’s true. Even her sponge cakes were like bricks.

Dec Bricks! That’s it! It said, Ready Brix!

Dolly Well?

Ant (to Dame) We need some bricks!

Dolly I’ll hit you with one in a minute! I don’t believe you know how to make porridge at all.

Dec Yes, we do! But it might jog our memory if we could look at a recipe book.

Dolly (picks up a cookbook) Here we are. Delia Smith’s, Cooking For Dummies. (opens book) Let’s see now. Porridge…porridge…here we are. (reads) First, you need to go into a field and sow your oats. Well, I’ve already done that. Then wait five months for it to grow. I can’t wait that long! I’d better skip forward a few pages. (flips pages) Here we are. Take one box of oats and a bucket of milk. Right, you two fetch some oats and milk…(pointing SL)…from the pantry over there.

Ant & Dec Okey-dokey!

Exit Ant and Dec (SL)

Dolly I’m looking forward to this. It’s ages since I’ve had any oats.

Enter Ant and Dec (SL)

Dec (holds up the box) I’ve got the oats!

Dolly What about the milk?

Ant I couldn’t find any milk.

Dolly Never mind, we can get some from my cow Buttercup. She’s just sunbathing on the patio. Now, help me call her. After three…three!

All (call) Buttercup!

Dolly It’s no use, she’s deaf as a doorpost. (to audience) Will you boys and girls help us call Buttercup? After three…three! (leads) Buttercup!

Enter Buttercup (SL) wearing a flowery hat, sunglasses and a large hearing-aid around her neck, which is plugged into her ears.

Dec I’ve never seen a cow wearing an iPhone before.

Dolly That’s her hearing-aid. (Buttercup dances) It keeps picking up…(name of local radio station – hands a bucket to Ant) Right you two, get milking.

Ant Righto. (places bucket under Buttercup’s udders and watches it)

Dec walks around Buttercup, scratching his head.

Dolly What are you looking for?

Dec A handle. (grabs Buttercup’s tail) Here it is. (pumps her tail up and down)

Ant I think it’s run out of milk.

Dolly And you’ve both run out of brains. Here, let me show you how it’s done. (pushes Ant aside and gives a tug on Buttercup’s udders. A carton of milk falls into the bucket and she lifts it out) Thank you Buttercup, you can go now. (Buttercup doesn’t move) I said, you can go now! (Buttercup doesn’t move) I’ll just turn up her hearing-aid. (does so) You can go now, Buttercup!

Buttercup straightens up, drops another carton of milk and exits at a run (SL)

Dolly Blimey! Next time I need an extra pinta, I’ll just turn up the volume. (to Dec) You pour the oats into that pot over there…(to Ant)…and you, add the milk.

Dec pours oats into the pot and Ant throws in an unopened milk carton.

Dec No, Ant! The instructions said two pints!

Ant Okay, then. (throws other unopened carton into the pot)

Dolly And give it a good stir.

Dec Righto. (stirs the pot)
Dolly Now keep an eye on it, while I go and check on the bear…I mean…go and check my hair. (exits SL)

Ant Right, Dec. Let’s steal the pot and scarper.

They strain to lift the pot, without success.

Dec It’s too heavy with all that porridge in it.

Ant Then we’ll just have to get rid of it.

Dec How?

Ant I’ve got an idea. (to audience) Would anybody like some lovely porridge?

Dec Okay, Ant. You serve the ones on the left and I’ll serve the ones on the right.

They load four plates with porridge, pick up two each and head downstage.

Enter Dame Dolly (SL)

Dolly ‘Ere, what are you doing with that porridge?

Dec Oh…er…we thought we’d let the audience taste it first, to see if it’s up to scratch.

Dolly What a good idea. But you must learn how to serve it like a proper waiter, like this. (positions their hands) Perfect. Now, on the count of three I want you to say, here is your porridge, sir or madam. (get audience to count) One…two…three!

Ant & Dec Here is your porridge, sir or madam.

Dolly And here’s yours! (shoves their hands up splatting porridge in their faces) That’s for messing up my kitchen.

Enter B. Bear (SL)

B. Bear (sniffs) Mmmm! I smell Porridge! Can I have some?

Dolly Of course you can…er…son.

Ant & Dec Son!?

Dolly He’s adopted. (goes to the pot and starts stirring the porridge)

Ant We’ll never get our hands on the cooking pot now, Dec. Let’s nab Baby Bear instead.

Dec Okay, Ant.

They take B. Bear by the arms and drag him towards the door.

Ant Come with us Teddy.

B. Bear Let go of me!

Dolly (turns) Where do you think you’re going with Teddy?

Dec We’re just taking him for a little walk, while the porridge cools.

Dolly Oh no, you don’t. I’m not letting him go off with total strangers.

Ant He’ll be perfectly safe, and we’ll bring him straight back.

Dec (to Ant) But I thought we were kidnapping him and taking him to Frogmella?

Ant (hits him) You idiot, Dec!

B. Bear It’s the burglars!

Dolly Burglars, in my house! Let me at them! (rushes at them, but Ant pulls her oversized hat down over her eyes) Help! Who turned the lights out?

Ant (to Dec) Let’s go out the back door!

Exit Ant and Dec with B. Bear (SL)

Dolly (removes the hat) Help! Burglars! Kidnappers!

Enter Goldilocks and Igor at a run (SR) followed by F. Bear, M. Bear, Professor Stein, Fairy Good and some Villagers.

Goldilocks Whatever’s the matter, mum?

Dolly Some burglars have kidnapped Baby Bear!

M. Bear Oh, my poor baby!

F. Bear Frogmella must be behind this!

Fairy Don’t worry. I’ll use my magic to find him. (exits SR)

Professor Forget her, magic. I will return to my laboratory and use science to find him. (exits SR)

Goldilocks Don’t worry Mr and Mrs Bear. I’m sure that together, we’ll find Baby Bear.