Frankenstein ‘A Monster Panto’

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SKU: Frankenstein Category:

Description

Synopsis:

Dame Ida Locket arrives in Transylvania with her son Roger, and daughter Lucy. To take over the running of The Wooden Stake Inn. The local residents include Baron Frankenstein, who is creating a monster from spare body-parts. Count Dracula, who discovers that vampire-hunter Professor Van Helsing is in town, and moves his coffin to the cellar of The Wooden Stake Inn. Not to mention a roaming werewolf. A monstrously funny panto.

Roles:

13 principals, some of which are slightly smaller roles. One small speaking scene for 2 actors as the Ghosts. Also Frankenstein’s Monster who has a few lines near the end. Plus a chorus with some lines.

Runtime:

All of our scripts have a runtime of approx 120 minutes, assuming that you use the full number of suggested musical numbers and not including any interval. But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit.

Music:

All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

Style:

Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample

Characters

Dame Locket
Roger Locket
Lucy Locket
Boris Bogof
Mayor Klinkerhoffen
Ivan Klinkerhoffen
Baron Frankenstein
Burke
Hare
Nickem
Cuffem
Count Dracula
Doctor Van Helsing

Chorus/Minor roles

Ghost 1
Ghost 2
Frankenstein’s Monster
Werewolf
Townsfolk, Dancers, Zombies, Tourists, etc.

Prologue

V/O


Music cue 1:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. The story about to unfold, is a dark foreboding tale of vampires, werewolves, DIY monsters and watered-down beer. Anyone of a nervous disposition should consider leaving now. Whilst we transport the rest of you brave souls, to…Transylvania! (echo reverb ‘Transylvania’)

Scene One

The Town Of Thereanbach


Music cue 2: Townsfolk.
After song ends…Chorus exit (SL) Boris runs on (SR)

Boris

Hello boys and girls! (audience respond) Welcome to the town of Thereanbach, in beautiful Transylvania. My name’s Boris Bogof, and I’m Thereanbach’s tourism officer. And as such, it’s my job to promote the town at every opportunity. So every time I come on I’ll shout ‘where d’ya wanna go’? And I want you all to shout out ‘Thereanbach’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Where d’ya wanna go? I’m sure you can do much better than that. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) Brilliant! Now Transylvania was once famous for being the location for many old horror films such as ‘Frankenstein, Dracula and the Werewolf’ and people travelled from all over the world, to visit the place where they were filmed. But those days are long gone, and our fortunes have fallen faster than…(local football team)…after Christmas. And now it’s my task is to boost tourism and revive our fortunes. If only I could think of a way of doing it. (turns towards SR stands thinking and doesn’t notice Dame, Roger & Lucy entering)

Dame Ida enters (SL) followed by Roger and Lucy dragging on heavy suitcases.

Roger

Did you have to pack so much stuff, mum?

Dame

(to audience) Only a man would ask such a stupid question.

Lucy

Well we are only here on a weekend break, mum.

Dame

Actually, we’re staying a bit longer than that.

Roger

How much longer?

Dame

For good.

Roger/Lucy

(shocked) What!?

Dame

Well I’ve always fancied running a little country pub. And countries don’t come much littler then Transylvania. So I’ve sold up everything back home, and bought one here.

Lucy

And what’s the name of this pub?

Dame

It’s called ‘The Wooden Stake Inn’.

Roger

(exclaims) You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called, ‘The Wooden Stake Inn’?

Dame

That’s right.

Roger

(aside to audience) I have a very bad feeling about this.

Lucy

So what else have you been keeping from us, mum?

Dame

Apart from the name of your father – nothing.

Boris

(spot Dame) Hello! Looks like they’re filming a remake of ‘Bride of Frankenstein’.

Dame

(to Boris) Pardon me young man, but could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn?

Boris

But that place has been closed for years.


Dame

Well I’m re-opening it. I’m Dame Ida Locket, the new landlady. (introducing Lucy & Roger) This is my daughter Lucy and my son, Roger. And what’s your name?

Boris

Bogof!

Dame

How very rude!

Boris

No, Bogof’s my name. Boris Bogof.

Lucy

(smitten) Pleased to meet you, Boris.

Boris

(also smitten) Likewise Lucy.

Dame

(to Boris) So can you direct us to ‘The Wooden Stake Inn’, or not?

Boris

Yes, it’s about half a mile…(pointing SR)…that way.

SFX: Wolf howl.

Lucy

What was that?

Dame

It sounded like a wolf!

Roger

(scared) A werewolf!?

Boris

Don’t be silly. There aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.

Roger

(relieved) That’s all right then.

Boris

Dracula scared them all away, years ago.

Roger

Dracula? Werewolves? (to audience) It’s like being on the set for ‘Twilight’!

Boris

I’m only joking.

Dame

My favourite vampire’s Christopher Lee.

Lucy

Christopher who?

Dame

‘Lee’! He played Dracula in lots of old horror movies. (acting it out) He hypnotised his victims by fixing them with his bloodshot eyes, before biting their neck and bleeding them dry. A bit like Philip Hammond…(or current Chancellor)

Roger

Don’t talk about vampires, mum. It’s giving me the collywobbles.

Boris

But everybody knows that vampires don’t really exist.

Roger

Well I believe in keeping an open mind.

Dame

That would explain why your brains have fallen out.

Lucy

(to audience) Do any of you lot believe in vampires? (audience respond)

Dame

Well that was fairly inconclusive.

Boris

Leave it to me. (to audience) Listen up, folks. I’ll shout ‘vampire’ and I want everyone who believes in vampires to shout ‘stakes in’ and everyone who doesn’t believe in vampires, to shout ‘stakes out’. Ready? After three…1…2..3…vampire! (audience respond)

Lucy

Who won then? The stakes in or the stakes out?

Roger

I think it was the stakes out, but I wouldn’t ‘stake’ my life on it.

Dame

Let’s stop all this nonsense and get going.

Lucy tries lifting her heavy suitcase.

Boris

(to Lucy) Would you like me to help you carry that heavy old bag?

Roger

I doubt all three of us could even lift mum, never mind carry her.

Dame

(snaps) He meant the suitcase! (to Boris) We’ll manage just fine, thank you. (to Roger & Lucy) Come along you two.

Lucy

(as she leaves) Bye, Boris. See you later…I hope.

Dame, Roger and Lucy exit (SR)

Boris

(to audience) Gosh that Lucy’s pretty, isn’t she? In fact, I think I’ve fallen madly in love with her. (dances around singing) I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love!

Mayor Clinkerhoffen and Ivan enter (SL) and spot Boris singing and dancing.

Mayor

Boris!

Boris

(stops in his tracks) Mayor Clinkerhoffen!

Mayor

(to Boris) What do you think you’re doing dancing about in a public place?

Ivan

He’s probably drunk, uncle.

Mayor

You mustn’t call me ‘uncle’ when we’re on official duty, Ivan.

Ivan

Why not, unc?

Boris

Because then people might think, you only got the job as town clerk due to nepotism.

Ivan

Well they’d be wrong, wouldn’t they? I got it due to my uncle being the Mayor. So there! (sticks tongue out at Boris)

Mayor

(aghast) Be quiet, Ivan! I’m here to quiz Boris about the tourists. (pointedly to Boris) Or rather, the lack of them.

Boris

Actually I’ve just welcomed a whole family to Thereanbach, not five minutes ago.

Ivan

Are they staying at The Premier inn?

Boris

No, that was burned down last week by monster-chasing vigilantes.

Mayor

You didn’t tell them that did you?

Boris

Of course not. But it won’t make my job any easier, if ignorant villagers are rampaging about looking for monsters that don’t exist, will it?

Mayor

Well if you don’t feel as though you’re up to the task, I could always find a replacement.

Boris

‘Course I’m up to it! I’m bursting with ideas to attract the tourists here.

Ivan

Name one?

Boris

Well they’re only at the embryonic stage at the moment.

Mayor

Well grow one to full term by tomorrow, or you’re sacked. (to Ivan) Come along Ivan.

Mayor and Ivan turn and exit (SL)

Boris
It sounds like my job’s on the line, boys and girls. I must think of ways to draw the tourists in. (to himself) Think, Boris, think. (suddenly) I know! I’ll organise an annual Monster Ball. Whitby pulls in loads of tourists with Dracula tours, and Transylvania is world famous for being the home of hideous monsters. (to audience) And now that Dame Locket’s here, we can add one more to the total. Thank goodness her daughter doesn’t take after her. Actually, I think I’ll pay a visit to The Wooden Stake and ask her out. Lucy that is, not her mother. See you later folks! (exits SR)

Lights dim. Frankenstein’s Monster enters (SL) sees the audience and moves downstage with outstretched arms, moaning.

Baron

(shouts off) Frankie!

The Monster stops, moans loudly and exits (SR)

Baron Frankenstein enters (SL) calling.

Baron

Frankie! Where are you, Frankie? (spots audience) Oh, good evening. My name is Baron Frankenstein and I’m searching for a missing person. He’s about so tall…(holds hand up to height of person playing the Monster)…has green skin and a big metal bolt through his neck. You haven’t seen him have you? (audience respond) You have! Which way did he go? (audience respond) Thanks! (exits SR)

Music cue 3: Police officers, Nickem and Cuffem enter (SL)

Nickem

Here we are then.

Cuffem

Here we are then.

Nickem

Thereanbach town centre.

Cuffem

Thereanbach town centre.

Nickem

(looking about) I can hear an echo!

Cuffem

(looking about) I can hear an echo!

Nickem

(realises it’s Nickem) You’re repeating everything I say!

Cuffem

You’re repeating everything I say!

Nickem

No, ‘you’re’ repeating everything I say!

Cuffem

No, ‘you’re’ repeating everything I say!

Nickem

(hits him over the head with his truncheon) Stop it!

Cuffem

But sarge! When we was first partnered up, you told me to copy everything you did.

Nickem

I meant copy my policing style, not repeat everything I say!

Cuffem

Sorry, Sarge.

Nickem

Now you know why we is here, don’t you?

Cuffem

(clueless) Erm…we ‘as to escort some little kiddies across a busy road?

Nickem

No! We is h’investigating the disappearance of bodies from the local cemetery. And reports of a strange, suspicious looking person in the vicinity. So keep your eyes peeled for anyone matching that description.

Cuffem

Yes, sarge.

Dame Locket re-enters (SR) looking around the floor as if searching for something and is spotted by Cuffem.

Cuffem

Don’t look now sarge, but I think I’ve found them.

Nickem

Is they strange looking?

Cuffem

They is very strange looking, sarge.

Nickem

Is they suspicious looking?

Cuffem

They is very suspicious looking, sarge.

Nickem

And where are they?

Cuffem

They is right behind you, sarge.

Nickem

(turns and goes up to the Dame) Good ‘hevning madam.

Dame

(turns) Oh, hello!

Nickem

I’m Sergeant Nickem and this is Constable Cuffem.

Dame

(to audience) I love these panto-police names, don’t you? (preening) And what can I do for you two boys in blue?

Cuffem

(to Dame) Are you the strange and suspicious looking person we is looking for?

Dame

Do I look strange and suspicious?

Nickem

Quite frankly madam…yes.

Dame

(snaps) Cheek! If you must know, I’m the new landlady of ‘The Wooden Stake Inn’.

Nickem

Then why was you sneaking about in a very suspicious manner?

Dame

I think I lost an earring around here earlier, and I’m looking for it. Ah, here it is. (picks up an earring)

Cuffem

It seems she’s telling the truth, sarge.

Nickem

(to Dame) Please accept our apologies madam.

Dame

I should think so too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get back and water the beer…I mean…beer-gonias. Bye! (turns and exits SR)

Cuffem

I’ve just had a thought, sarge.

Nickem

Well don’t leave it in there on its own lad, it’ll get all lonely like. Spit it out!

Cuffem

My police exams are coming up soon, and I was wondering if you’d mind testing me with a few questions?

Nickem

Certainly lad. Now are you ready?

Cuffem

Yes, sarge.

Nickem

Okay then, what would you do if someone reported a lost budgie?

Cuffem

I’d send for the Flying Squad.

Nickem

And what would you do if someone left a restaurant without paying?

Cuffem

I’d send for the bill.

Nickem

And what steps would you take, if faced with a dangerous criminal?

Cuffem

Ruddy great big ones!

Nickem

I think I’ve heard enough, constable.

Cuffem

(expectant) How did I do sarge?

Nickem

About as well as I’d expected, lad.

Baron Frankenstein runs on (SR) sees Police Officers. He quickly about turns and starts to creep off (SR)

Nickem

(spots the Baron) Good ‘hevening Baron Frankenstein.

Baron

(stops and turns) Ah! Good evening officers, I didn’t notice you there.

Cuffem

Taking your daily constipation, Baron?

Baron

I think you mean, ‘constitutional’ and yes I am.

Nickem

I don’t suppose you’ve seen any suspicious persons on your travels, Baron?

Baron

(suddenly on his guard) What kind of suspicious persons?

Cuffem

Grave-robbers.

Baron

(feigns shock) Grave-robbers!?

Nickem

Yes. Someone’s been stealing bodies from the local cemetery and we’re hot on their trail.

Baron

I can honestly say, that I haven’t seen anybody. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! Any’body’.

Nickem

It’s no laughing matter Baron.

Baron

Sorry, sergeant. I’m afraid I have a rather dark sense of humour.

Nickem

Well if you do see anything suspicious, be sure and let us know.

Baron

Yes, sergeant.

Nickem

(to Cuffem) Come along constable.

Nickem and Cuffem exit (SR)

Baron

(to audience) Little do they know that it is I Baron Frankenstein, who is behind the spate of body-snatching. And I have used the dead body parts to create a living being, just like my father did. He made the mistake of using a criminal’s brain for his creation, and it caused him a bit of trouble with the locals. But I didn’t make the same mistake. Instead, I used the brain of a famous escapologist. Unfortunately, he escaped. And now I must recapture him and fit him with a different brain, before anybody discovers what I’ve been up to.

Music cue 4: Burke and Hare enter (SL)

Hare

(to Baron) You wanted to see us Baron.

Baron

Yes, gentlemen. I need another body, right away.

Hare

No worries Baron. When you hire Burke and Hare, you’ve hired the best. (to Burke) Right Burke?

Burke

Right Hare. (to Baron) We’re the Marks and Spencer’s of the body-snatching world.

Hare

(to Baron) Even though you only pay Aldi prices.

Baron
(offended) I pay minimum wage!

Hare

Well from now on we want paying the living wage.

Burke

That’s right. Or motto is ‘a living wage for a dead-end job’.

Baron

Very well. But you must be on your guard. The police are getting suspicious and might be keeping watch, in order to try and catch the body-snatchers.

Burke

Do you think they’ll manage to catch them?

Baron

Who?

Burke

These body-snatchers.

Hare

We’re the body-snatchers, you twit!

Burke

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Baron

How on earth can you forget what you do for a living?

Burke

Well I’ve not been getting much sleep at night recently.

Hare

That’s probably because we only work nights.

Burke

Oh yeah, I forgot that an’ all.

Baron

I want you to bring me the body of the renowned genius, Professor Swinestein, who was laid to rest in the cemetery this morning.

Hare

You can rely on us, Baron

Baron

I’ll leave it with you then, gentlemen. (exits SL)

Burke

What do you think the Baron’s doing with all these dead bodies?

Hare

How should I know? Maybe he’s opening a Transylvanian branch of Bodyshop.

Burke

Do you think so?

Hare

Don’t be stupid!  Now let’s go and collect the deceased.

Burke

(steps back) Uh-uh! I’m not going anywhere near a body that’s diseased!

Hare

I said ‘deceased’ not ‘diseased’! Now come along.

They exit (SR)

Van Helsing enters (SL) he carries a tool-bag and speaks in a Germanic accent.

Van Helsing

(to audience) Greetings, citizens of Thereanbach. I am Doctor Ludwig Van Helsing and I’m here to rid Transylvania of all evil monsters. I’ve got wooden stakes for Dracula, silver bullets for the Werewolf and a set of spanners for Frankenstein’s monster. But I’m a bit worried in case any of them manages to sneak up on me. Will you warn me if you spot anything nasty, trying to sneak up on me? (audience respond) Danke schoen. If you see anything horrible behind me, just shout ‘monster’ at the top of your voices, okay? (audience respond) Wunderbar! I’m just on my way to ‘The Wooden Stake Inn’ to investigate reports of a horrible-looking monster seen entering it, wearing ein big purple wig. Auf weidersehen! (exits SR)