SCENE FIVE
DR BEARER’S SURGERY
An eyechart is on a stand [USC] all the letters are I. Music cue 6: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Doctor Bearer [SR]
DOCTOR: Send in the first patient!
Enter Patient 1 [SL]
PATIENT 1: Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a bridge!
DOCTOR: What’s come over you?
PATIENT 1: Two buses, a lorry and three cars. What should I do?
DOCTOR: I’d charge them a toll if I were you.
PATIENT 1: Yes, Doctor. [exits SR]
DOCTOR: [shouts] Next!
Enter Patient 2 [SL]
PATIENT 2: Doctor! Doctor! I need something to stop me from sleepwalking!
DOCTOR: [produces a box of drawing pins] Here, take these.
PATIENT 2: Drawing pins! What do I do with these?
DOCTOR: Sprinkle them around your bed before going to sleep.
PATIENT 2: Yes, Doctor. [exits SR]
DOCTOR: Next!
Enter Patient 3 [SL]
PATIENT 3: Doctor! Doctor! Everybody keeps ignoring me!
DOCTOR: Next!
Exit Patient 3 [SR]
Enter Patient 4 [SL]
PATIENT 4: Doctor! Doctor! I keep seeing fuzzy spots all the time!
DOCTOR: Try wearing glasses.
PATIENT 4: Will they make the spots disappear?
DOCTOR: No, but you’ll be able to see them much clearer.
PATIENT 4: Yes, Doctor. [exits SR]
DOCTOR: [shouts] Next!
Enter Rema [SR] looking flustered.
REMA: [breathy] Oh, Doctor Bearer!
DOCTOR: Miss Globin! Whatever’s the matter?
REMA: I’m feeling rather strange, Doctor.
DOCTOR: What are your symptoms?
REMA: [sings] #I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losing control#
DOCTOR: Anything else?
REMA: [sings] #I heat up, I can’t cool down. My head is spinning, round and round#
DOCTOR: [points at eye chart] Cover one eye and read the top line on this chart.
REMA: [reads] I…I…I…I…I
DOCTOR: I think I know what it is.
REMA: What it is, Doctor?
DOCTOR: It’s my eyechart. I’ll just check your chest. [picks up a stethoscope]
REMA: [pushing chest out] I’m ready, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Your heart just skipped a beat. I think I’d better do a full examination.
REMA: Whatever you say, Doctor.
DOCTOR: [using a stethoscope] There’s nothing wrong with your beautiful eyes. Your ears, your arms, or your silky thighs. [feeling her forehead] I can’t think why you’re exuding such heat. Perhaps you ought to take a seat?
REMA: I don’t think I could swallow that, Doctor; even with a glass of water.
DOCTOR: I’ll just consult my medical book. [picks up a book] Ah, here it is. It appears you’re suffering from acidic-reflux, with aortic confabulations and fiery contractions of the ventricle chamber.
REMA: What does it all mean, Doctor?
DOCTOR: You have heartburn.
REMA: Can I have a second opinion?
DOCTOR: Certainly, come back tomorrow and I’ll give you one.
REMA: [pleased] Thank you, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Would you prefer to go private next time?
REMA: What does it involve?
DOCTOR: It involves me locking the door.
REMA: Then I’ll go private! See you tomorrow, Doctor! [exits SL]
Enter Plasma [SR]
DOCTOR: Dame Plasma – what can I do for you?
PLASMA: I banged my head, Doctor, and I think I might have cut it badly.
DOCTOR: I’m very concerned.
PLASMA: Are you really!?
DOCTOR: Yes, you might bleed all over my new carpet.
PLASMA: [wavers] Ooooh! I think I’m pegging out.
DOCTOR: Washing?
PLASMA: No, you fool, I’m a goner! I feel like I only have fifty-nine seconds to live.
DOCTOR: Hold on a minute while I find my blood-pressure monitor.
PLASMA: I’m fading fast, Doctor!
DOCTOR: I’ve noticed you’re not all there.
PLASMA: [gasping] I’m going! I’m going!
DOCTOR: Well, shut the door on your way out.
PLASMA: Do something, Doctor!
DOCTOR: Very well. [places Stethoscope on her chest] Big breaths.
PLASMA: Yes, and I’ve had them ever since I was sixteen.
DOCTOR: I’m going to have to operate.
PLASMA: Operate!?
DOCTOR: Yes, but first I must ask you some questions.
PLASMA: Well, hurry up about it!
DOCTOR: [taking notes on a clipboard] What was your father’s occupation?
PLASMA: He was a magician.
DOCTOR: What was his favourite trick?
PLASMA: Sawing people in half.
DOCTOR: Do you have any siblings?
PLASMA: One half-brother and two half-sisters.
DOCTOR: Is your father still around?
PLASMA: No, he disappeared as soon as I was born.
