Cinderella Version 4

SCENE ONE

HARDUP HALL

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Buttons [SL] minus his hat. [see note in properties]

BUTTONS: Hiya boys and girls, my name’s Buttons!

CHORUS 1: Where’s your hat, Buttons?

BUTTONS: [feeling for it] Oh, no! [exits and returns wearing it] That was a close call. The Baroness said she’d sack me if she ever saw me without my hat on. But I’m that forgetful, it’s bound to happen again. Boys and girls, will you all do me a big favour? If you see me without my hat, will you shout where’s your hat, Buttons? Thanks. And now that you all know my name, I’d better find out yours. [shaking hands with front row] Hello, what’s your name? Hello, what’s your name…?

CHORUS 2: That’ll take forever, Buttons!

BUTTONS: You’re right. [returns to stage] Whenever I come on and shout, hiya boys and girls, you all shout back, hiya Buttons, okay? Mind you if I’ve forgotten my hat it might get a bit confusing. I know. If I’m wearing my hat, shout hiya Buttons. And if I’m not, shout, where’s your hat, Buttons? Okay? Let’s have a trial run. I’ll go off and come back on and shout, hiya boys and girls, and you respond accordingly. [exits and returns wearing hat] Hiya boys and girls! Not bad, let’s have another go. [exits and returns minus hat] Hiya boys and girls! I’m sure you’ll improve with practice. Have some Chocolate Buttons. [distributes them] I used to enjoy working at Hardup Hall, but the new Baroness is making my life a misery.

CHORUS 3: Then why do you carry on working here?

CHORUS 4: It’s because he fancies the Baroness’s orphaned stepdaughter, Cinderella.

BUTTONS: Is it that obvious?

CHORUS: Yes, Buttons! [giggle]

BUTTONS: It’s true, I think she’s wonderful. [sighs]

CHORUS 1: Then why don’t you ask her out?

BUTTONS: I’m too shy.

CHORUS 2: Faint heart never won fair maiden, Buttons.

BUTTONS: You’re right. The next time I see Cinders, I’ll tell her how I feel about her.

CHORUS 3: [looking SR] Now’s your chance Buttons, here she comes.

BUTTONS: Oh gosh, my legs are turning to jelly.

CHORUS 4: It’s time to man up, Buttons.

Exit Maids [SL]

BUTTONS: [psyching himself] Come on Buttons, you can do it.

Enter Cinderella [SR]

CINDERELLA: Hello Buttons!

BUTTONS: Listen Cinders, I’ve got something to tell you.

CINDERELLA: What is it, Buttons?

BUTTONS: [hand on heart] I’ve fallen madly in love, cinders.

CINDERELLA: Oh Buttons, I’m so happy!

BUTTONS: You are!?

CINDERELLA: Yes, now tell me all about her. What’s she like? Do I know her?

BUTTONS: Actually Cinders, it’s…

SFX: Tyre screech and loud crash.

Enter Dolce and Gabbana via side door in hall.

GABBANA: How come the taxi-driver didn’t see that lamppost, Dolce?

DOLCE: You grabbing his gearstick probably distracted him, Gabbana.

GABBANA: I only leaned over to check his meter.

DOLCE: Luckily, we had twin airbags to cushion the impact.

Uglies hoist their bosoms.

GABBANA: What do you think of my new dress, Dolce?

DOLCE: Call that a dress? I thought the circus must be in town.

GABBANA: Are you saying my dress looks like a big-top?

DOLCE: Yes, but at least it matches your big bottom.

GABBANA: Cheek! This is a Toofer from Primark.

DOLCE: What’s a Toofer?

GABBANA: Two for a fiver. It’s extravagant I know, but you must dress to impress if you want to get a man.

DOLCE: I think I’ve already got one. [sits on a man’s knee] Hello handsome.

GABBANA: Is he any good?

DOLCE: He’s got a pulse, that’s always a good start.

GABBANA: I’ve found myself a hunk. [sits on a man’s knee] Hello big boy.

DOLCE: He looks stunned.

GABBANA: It’s the effect my ravishing beauty has on men. How’s yours doing?

DOLCE: He’s going a bit blue around the edges.

GABBANA: I’m not surprised with you sitting on him.

DOLCE: I might have to do mouth to mouth regurgitation.

GABBANA: That should finish him off.

DOLCE: [squirms and giggles] Ooooh!

GABBANA: What the matter Gabby?

DOLCE: I think his mobile’s vibrating!

GABBANA: Let’s forget these two, sis’. Mother says we must set our sights higher when it comes to men.

DOLCE: She can talk, she married a old duffer with one foot in the grave.

CINDERELLA: That’s my late father you’re talking about!

GABBANA: Who rattled your cage?

Uglies make their way onstage.

DOLCE: [shoves Cinders aside] Move aside loser, the real talent has arrived!

GABBANA: We’ve both been on X-factor.

BUTTONS: They put them in the weirdo’s and misfits section.

DOLCE: Everybody’s jealous of us Gabby.

GABBANA: That’s the price one pays for being talented and gorgeous.

DOLCE: I smell chocolate.

GABBANA: Have you been at my secret stash, Cinderella?

CINDERELLA: I don’t even know where it is.

DOLCE: It’s in her bottom drawer.

GABBANA: Big gob! Now everybody will be rummaging in my drawers, trying to get their hands on it.

DOLCE: I doubt there’ll be a rush.

BUTTONS: The chocolate was mine and I shared it with all the boys and girls.

GABBANA: He’s lying for that little tramp.

DOLCE: Let’s search her, Gabby.

Uglies grab Cinderella and start bodily searching her.

CINDERELLA: Get off me!

BUTTONS: Leave Cinders alone!

Enter Baroness [SL]

BARONESS: What’s all the kerfuffle?

GABBANA: It’s Cinderella, mumsy!

DOLCE: She’s being really mean to us!

CINDERELLA: No, I wasn’t!

BUTTONS: It was the other way round actually.

BARONESS: My poor, darlings! You wicked girl, Cinderella!

GABBANA: And she’s invited all her chav friends round. [indicating audience] Look!

DOLCE: And Buttons gave them chocolate from my drawers.

BUTTONS: I wouldn’t go anywhere near your drawers!

BARONESS: Zip it Buttons!

GABBANA: Did you get much from Cash Converters for all that old jewellery, mumsy?

BARONESS: No, they said it was cheap rubbish and only gave me a fiver.

CINDERELLA: Are things that bad you’ve had to sell your jewellery?

BARONESS: No, it was all the jewellery you kept in a box under your bed.

CINDERELLA: But that was my poor mother’s jewellery!

BUTTONS: That was a rotten thing to do, baroness.

BARONESS: Button it, Buttons! [to Uglies] Come along girls. I’ll take you for some retail therapy to get over this nasty incident with Cinderella.

UGLIES: Thank you, mumsy!

BARONESS: [handing her a list] Here’s a list of chores, Cinderella. And it had better all be done by the time I get back!

Exit Baroness and Uglies [SL]

CINDERELLA: How could they sell my poor mother’s jewellery, Buttons? [cries]

BUTTONS: Because they’re heartless Cinders, that’s why.

CINDERELLA: [unrolls list to the floor] This lot will take me forever!