SCENE ONE
THE KINGDOM OF RURITANIA
Music cue 4: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Buttons at a run [SR] carrying a gift-wrapped box.
BUTTONS: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Buttons, and I work at Hardup Hall. And now you know my name, perhaps you’ll tell me yours. I’ll say, ‘hello, everybody, my name’s Buttons. What’s yours’? And you all shout out your names, okay? Hello, everybody, my name’s Buttons. What’s yours? Who said, ‘mine’s a pint’? Seeing as we’re now on first-name terms, I’ll let you into a secret. I’ve fallen in love with someone. No, dear, it’s not you; sit down. I’m in love with Baron Hardup’s daughter, Cinderella. It’s her birthday today, and I’ve bought her a present, and I’m just looking for somewhere to leave it to stop her ugly stepsisters getting their paws on it. [puts box DSR] I know, I’ll leave it here and if anybody goes near it, just shout, ‘Buttons up’, and I’ll come running, okay. Let’s have a practice. I’ll leave and then return, pretending to be someone about to nick it. [conducts the business] Fantastic! Keep watching it, and I’ll see you all later. Bye! [exits SR]
Enter Chorus [SL] chatting.
Enter Cinderella [SR] in a cheery mood.
CINDERELLA: Good morning, everyone!
CHORUS: Good morning, Cinders!
CINDERELLA: Has anybody seen my father this morning?
CHORUS 1: We saw him leaving the bank earlier, Cinders.
CINDERELLA: Did he look happy?
CHORUS 2: No, he was sobbing uncontrollably.
CINDERELLA: Oh, dear, I wonder what’s wrong this time.
CHORUS 3: At a guess, I’d say it probably concerns money.
CHORUS 4: Or more likely, the lack of it.
CINDERELLA: Tell me about it.
CHORUS: Bye, Cinders!
Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Baron Hardup [SL] looking through papers and sobbing.
CINDERELLA: Whatever’s the matter, Father?
BARON: I’ve just been checking my bank statement, Cinders, and if your stepsisters carry on spending like they are, I’ll soon be bankrupt.
CINDERELLA: Don’t despair, Father, I’m sure I can make some more savings.
BARON: You’ve made enough sacrifices already, Cinders. It breaks my heart to see you dressed in rags.
CINDERELLA: I don’t mind mending and making do, Father.
BARON: [spots present] Hello! It looks like somebody’s lost an expensive present.
CINDERELLA: I’ll see if there’s an address on it. [goes to pick it up]
Enter Buttons at a run [SR]
BUTTONS: Leave that alone! [realises] Cinders! Baron!
CINDERELLA: Is this yours, Buttons?
BUTTONS: Yes, Cinders.
BARON: What is it?
BUTTONS: It’s a present for someone, and they’re…[audience]…minding it for me.
CINDERELLA: Is it for someone special, Buttons?
BUTTONS: Yes, Cinders, someone very special.
BARON: I’m off back to the bank, Cinders.
CINDERELLA: Are you going to ask them to extend your overdraft, Father?
BARON: No, I’m going to do what any desperate person in my position would do.
BUTTONS: You’re going to rob the bank!
BARON: No, Buttons, I’m going to grovel at the bank manager’s feet. [exits SL]
BUTTONS: Your father seems troubled, Cinders; is anything the matter?
CINDERELLA: He’s worried my stepsisters spending will soon bankrupt him, Buttons.
BUTTONS: Would it help if I took a pay cut?
CINDERELLA: That’s very kind of you, Buttons, but I know you haven’t been paid in ages.
BUTTONS: It’s true, Cinders; even my overdraft has an overdraft.
Music cue 5: Enter Uglies [SL] with bags from Matalan and Primark.
SCIATICA: What a pathetic shopping experience that was, Dyspepsia.
DYSPEPSIA: Some days are just a total waste of makeup, Sciatica.
SCIATICA: Ruritania doesn’t have the designer shops to cater for us super-models.
CINDERELLA: Have you both been spending again?
DYSPEPSIA: Of course we have!
SCIATICA: There’s nothing else to do in this dump!
CINDERELLA: Ruritania isn’t a dump; it’s a lovely place!
BUTTONS: Well, it was until they showed up.
CINDERELLA: What have you bought this time?
SCIATICA: We’ve bought a new spring wardrobe.
DYSPEPSIA: Summer wardrobe.
SCIATICA: Autumn wardrobe.
DYSPEPSIA: And winter wardrobe.
SCIATICA: And now we’ve got all these wardrobes, we need more clothes to fill them.
DYSPEPSIA: So, we’re off shopping again tomorrow.
CINDERELLA: If you carry on spending like this, Father will be ruined!
SCIATICA: It’s not our fault he hasn’t got two ha’pennies to rub together.
DYSPEPSIA: We warned mother against marrying him, didn’t we, Pepsi?
SCIATICA: Yes, but she was a naïve flibbertigibbet who’d fallen for his wicked wiles.
DYSPEPSIA: An innocent young girl, easily mizzled by the ways of nasty men.
BUTTONS: Mizzled?
DYSPEPSIA: Yes, mizzled!
BUTTONS: Hold on a sec. [exits and re-enters with a script, tapping it with his finger] It’s misled, you numpty! [chucks script offstage]
DYSPEPSIA: Whatever, he still conned her into thinking he was filthy rich.
SCIATICA: And now the baron’s had his wicked way with Mummy, he wants to stop our only pleasures in life.
DYSPEPSIA: Shopping and eating.
SCIATICA: Speaking of food, I’m famished!
DYSPEPSIA: Me too.
BUTTONS: You both look the opposite of famished.
