Beauty And The Beast (Perusal)

Scene Seven

A Castle Corridor

The Beast tiptoes on (SL) and makes his way across stage.

Canderel and Nutella enter (SR)

Canderel

(to Beast) There you are Beasty boy!

Beast

Oh, no!

Nutella

Oh, yes! It’s time for your makeover.

Beast

Doesn’t my appearance frighten you both?

Canderel

I’ll say. I haven’t seen dress sense like that, since I bumped into Jeremy Clarkson.

Nutella

Now then, let’s have a look at you. (flicking his mane) Hair needs shortening. I’m thinking, David Beckham designer stubble. (quivers) Oooh! Thinking of Becks, always makes me quiver.

Canderel

(impatient) Can we concentrate on the job in hand, Nutty’?

Nutella

Okay, sis’. (finger to temple – thinking) I’m thinking silk boxers, open-toed sandals and a sarong. (quivers again) Ooooh!

Beast

(growls) I’m not wearing a sarong!

Nutella

Sorry, I was imagining Becks again. As for you. (walks around Beast, looking him over) Corduroy trousers, checked shirt, baggy jumper, and…a muzzle! (laughs)

Beast

Are you taking the pi…

Canderel

…Pish and nonsense, Nutella. I see him in skinny jeans, white shirt, handmade Italian leather shoes, and…a leash! (laughs)

Beast

(snaps) Enough! I could dress myself better than either of you two, morons!

Nutella

Oooh! Hark at Gok Wan. (or current TV fashion guru)

Canderel

Well at least wear this little, must-have accessory. (hands him a dog-collar)

Beast

What is it?

Canderel

It’s a flea-collar!

Canderel and Nutella fall about laughing.

Beast

(furious) Raaarrr! (throws collar away)

Nutella

(to Canderel) Oooh! He is getting worked up, isn’t he Candy?

Canderel

I don’t think he’s getting enough.

Nutella

You could be right. He obviously needs more exercise.

Canderel

That as well.

Nutella

I’ll take care of it. (produces a squeaky plastic bone and waves it in the air) Here boy…(throws it into wing SL)…fetch!

Beast

Are you mad!? I’m not playing fetch!

Canderel

Go on. You know you want to.

Beast

No I don’t!

Can & Nut

Oh yes, you do!

Beast

Oh no, I don’t!

Can & Nut

Oh yes, you do!

Beast

(looks to wing, then to audience, back to wing, then back to audience) It’s no use, I can resist it no longer. (runs off) Woof! Woof! (exits and re-enters with the toy in his mouth and drops it at Canderel’s feet)

Nutella

(pats Beast on the head) Good boy!

Beast

(to audience) It’s ridiculous I know, but I can’t resist my animal nature.

Canderel

(picks toy up) Let me do it this time.

Beast

I’m not fetching it again! I only did it the first time to humour you.

Nutella

(throws the toy into wing) Fetch!

Beast

(tries to resist again, but fails) Curse my animal nature! (runs off) Woof! Woof! (fetches the toy and drops it at Nutella’s feet)

Nutella

(to Beast) No more fetch. I’m bored with it now. (Beast looks up at her with doleful eyes) How can I resist those handdog eyes. All right, just once more. (picks up the toy and throws it into wing)

Beast 
(runs after it) Woof! Woof!

Canderel

Oh look, the postman’s coming up the path.

SFX: Beastly roar.

Nutella

No, Beastie!

Screams are heard offstage.

Canderel

(shouts) Put him down this instant, Beastie!

Beast runs on carrying a postman’s leg in his mouth.

Nutella

(to Beast) You naughty boy, Beastie! Drop that leg, right now!

Beast

(drops the leg) This is so embarrassing. I don’t know what came over me.

Canderel
No more Scooby-Snacks for you, my lad.

Beast whimpers.

Nutella

Take that leg back this instant, and apologise to the nice postman.

Beast picks up the leg and starts to trudge off (SL)

Canderel

And hurry up, before he ‘hops’ it.

Canderel and Nutella double up with laughter.

Nutella

I know somebody who’s going to be in the doghouse tonight.

Canderel

And how. Now let’s go and get his doggie-bath ready, Nutty.

Nutella

Bags I shampoo his…(whispers to Nutella)

Canderel

(laughs) Oh sis’, you are wicked!

Canderel and Nutella laugh uproariously and exit (SR)

Lights dim to blackout – cloth/tabs out – lights up.

Scene Eight

The Castle Kitchens

A table is centre stage, laid with items needing for the following baking scene. A microwave is on small table next to the wing. It has no back, to enable the bowls to be replaced by a stagehand, with other bowls filled with ‘custard pie’.

Garcon and Dolly enter (SR)

Garcon

This is the castle kitchens and everything you need is here. My master normally dines at eight, and tonight I want you to create something truly special for his dinner.

Dolly

Everything I create is, ‘truly special’. But if he’s expecting a five-course banquet, I’m going to need some more help.

Garcon

I’ll go and fetch the two new staff members. (exits SR)

Dolly

(to audience) I wonder what his master’s like. He’s probably a handsome Duke, or Earl or something.

Beast runs on (SL)

Beast

Rarrrh! I must get away from those two, horrors!

Dolly

(screams) Aaahh! Somebody’s left a cage open at the zoo! (grabs a broom and starts beating him) Get out of here you, runaway yeti you!

Beast

Stop it, you old fool! I’m the master of this castle!

Dolly

Well I’ve heard of people leaving stuff to their pets, but never a castle.

Can & Nut

(off) Beastie boy! Where are you?

Beast

(wails in despair) They’re relentless! (exits SR)

Canderel and Nutella enter (SL)

Nutella

Here boy!

Canderel

It’s bathee time!

Dolly

Canderel! Nutella! What are you both doing here?

Nutella

We could ask you the same question, Dolly.

Dolly

I’m Castle Bruschetta’s new cook.

Canderel

And we’re the castle owner’s personal stylists.

Dolly

So what does this owner look like, then?

Nutella

He’s the spitting image of Canderel’s last boyfriend.

Dolly

So that horrible yeti, really is master of this castle?

Canderel

You’ve seen him then?

Dolly

Yes, he ran through here a minute ago.

Garcon enters (SR)

Garcon

(to Can & Nut) There you both are. I want you to help Mrs Donut, with tonight’s meal.

Nutella

We’re personal stylists, not cooks!

Garcon

It’s either that, or I terminate your contracts immediately.

Canderel

On what grounds?

Garcon

On the grounds that you couldn’t dress a salad, never mind a Prince.

Nutella

How very dare you!

Garcon
I’ll pop back later to see how you’re getting on. (to Dolly) They’re all yours Mrs Donut. (exits SR)

Dolly

All right you two, let’s get cracking.

Canderel

(reluctant) What do you want us to do then?

Dolly

(to Canderel) You can make the chicken surprise.

Canderel

What’s the surprise?

Dolly

We’re using rabbit.

Nutella

And what shall I do?

Dolly

Pea soup.

Nutella

I’m not sure I can manage that.

Dolly

But first we’ll, make something nice for dessert.

Canderel

Oooh! Can we make our favourite?

Dolly

And what’s that?

Can & Nut

Custard pies!

Dolly

(wryly to audience) I had a funny feeling it might be. Right Nutella, you pour in the flour. Canderel, you pour in the milk. And then I’ll add the eggs.

Nutella

Flour! (pours flour neatly into the bowl)

Canderel

Milk! (pours milk neatly into the bowl)

Dolly

And now to add the eggs. (neatly breaks two eggs into the bowl) Now mix it all together and divide the mixture between those two bowls.

Nutella stirs the mixture and then Canderel pours it into 2 polystyrene bowls.

Dolly

Now put them in the microwave and set the timer.

Can & Nut

Right’o, Dolly! (they place the bowls in the microwave and set the timer)

Garcon enters (SR)

Garcon

How are the new helpers doing, Mrs Donut?

Dolly

Fine, but something’s not quite right.

Canderel and Nutella join Dolly and Garcon.

Nutella

(to Dolly) What do you mean, Dolly?

Dolly

I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Canderel

Maybe someone in the audience can put their finger on it for us.

Nutella

(pointing) Preferably that handsome man in the third row.

Canderel

(to man in audience) Do you think you could put your finger on it for us?

Nutella

No, don’t leave!

Dolly

Too late, he’s gone.

Garcon

I don’t blame him.

SFX: Microwave dings.

Canderel

They’re done!

Canderel and Nutella each remove a plate filled with ‘custard pie’ from the microwave, and move next to Dolly and Garcon who are still puzzling away.

Garcon

(exclaims) I’ve got it!

Dolly

(stands back) Well I hope it isn’t catching!

Garcon

Everything’s much too neat and tidy.

Nutella

In what way, ‘too neat and tidy’?

Garcon

Well this is a panto. And all the boys and girls down there, will have been expecting to see a messy slapstick baking scene. Not a Mary Berry-style, neat and tidy one.

Dolly

(to Canderel & Nutella) Well that’s easily rectified, isn’t it girls’? (winks knowingly)

Can & Nut

Definitely. (both wink knowingly)

Garcon

Is it? How?

Dolly

(to Canderel & Nutella) Why don’t you both show him girls.

Can & Nut

With pleasure! (they hold plates at the ready either side of Garcon)

Garcon

(glances to either side and suddenly realises) Oh, no!

Can & Nut

Oh, yes! (they both ‘pie’ Garcon)

Dolly

(to Garcon) We’ll leave you to clear up. (to Canderel & Nutella) Let’s go you two.

Dolly, Canderel and Nutella and Dolly exit (SR) laughing.

Garcon

(to audience) I walked right into that one, didn’t I? (audience respond) I’d better go and get cleaned up, before the master sees me. (quickly exits SR)

Lights dim to blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.

Scene Nine

Another Castle Corridor

Belle enters (SR) looking this way and that as though lost.

Belle

Oh, dear. This castle has that many corridors I’ve managed to get lost, and now I don’t know which way to go. (turns SL then SR)

Beast runs on (SL) not looking where he’s going and bumps into Belle, knocking her to the ground.

Beast

(apologetic) I’m so sorry! Here, let me help you. (goes to help her)

Belle

(refuses) I don’t need your help. (gets to her feet)

Beast

You must think I’m a terrible person.

Belle

Quite frankly, yes. You imprisoned my father for picking a single rose, and now you’re keeping me prisoner in his place.

Beast

(snaps) I didn’t force you to stay! It was your own choice!

Belle

Some choice. It was either that, or let my father die in your dungeons.

Beast

(softening) Look I know you probably judge me by how I look, but…

Belle

…I never judge anybody by their appearance. It’s what’s inside a person’s heart, that really matters.

Beast

Then please, have dinner with me tonight and let me show you what I’m really like…(hand on heart)…inside.

Belle

Well I…

Beast

(softly pleading) Please, Belle.

Belle

(walks downstage and talks to audience) I’ve always said that I’d never judge anybody, by their appearance. What do you think? Should I have dinner with him? (audience respond) You’re right. I must be true to my principals. (turns) Very well, I accept your invitation.

Beast

Thank you, Belle. (calls) Garcon!

Garcon enters (SR)

Garcon

Yes, sire?

Beast

Tell cook we’ll be dining at eight, in the grand ballroom.

Garcon

‘We’, sire?

Beast

I will be dining with Belle.

Garcon

You mean…you and Belle…together…tonight? (delighted) I’ll tell cook right away, sire! (exits SR)

Beast

(to Belle) Do you know where the ballroom is, Belle?

Belle

Yes, I was in there earlier and it’s magnificent. I would love to dance in such a room. Perhaps…no, I shouldn’t ask.

Beast

Ask what, Belle?

Belle

Well after our meal, perhaps we could…dance?

Beast

(taken aback) You want to dance?

Belle

Oh yes, I love dancing! Almost as much as I love reading books. You can dance, can’t you?

Beast

(bluffing) Oh…erm…yes, of course I can dance! I can’t get enough of it. The rumba…(waltzes)…the waltz…(does the twist)…the tango…(hand jives)

Belle

(chuckles) I’ll meet you in the ballroom at eight, then. (exits SL)

Beast

(shouts) Garcon!

Garcon rushes on (SR)

Garcon

Yes, sire?

Beast

You must teach me to dance, Garcon.

Garcon

You mean, you don’t know how?

Beast

(snaps) If I did, would I be asking you to teach me?

Garcon

Very well, sire. Given a few weeks, I’m sure I can teach you some rudimentary steps.

Beast

You have one hour.

Garcon

One hour! Sire jests…surely? (Beast shakes his head) But it can’t be done, sire!

Beast

It must, Garcon. Belle has asked me to dance with her tonight after dinner.

Garcon

(quickly grabs the Beast in a waltz position) I’ll lead. And…one two three…one two three…(they waltz and the Beast is obviously clumsy and keeps stepping on his foot)…Owah, my foot!

Beast

Forget it Garcon. I’ll just have to tell Belle the truth.

Garcon

Don’t give up yet, sire. I have an idea. (takes out a mobile and taps the keys) Hello! Anton? Crouton here. I need you to teach my master to dance in one-hour flat. You will! Oh, that’s wonderful. Come to Castle Bruschetta, immediately. (to Beast) Don’t worry sire, Anton will teach you to dance in no time at all.

Beast

Are you sure he’s up to it?

Garcon

Oh yes, sire. Anton Quebec’s the reigning, UK National Dance Champion. Now, let’s go and find you a suitable outfit.

Beast

All right, but I absolutely refuse to wear lycra.

They exit (SR)