Ali Baba And The Raiders Of The Lost Pyramid

SCENE ONE

THE OLD BAZAAR IN CAIRO

Baba’s Barber Shop is [DSR] a chair is outside, with a barber’s cape draped over the back. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Donna Baba [SL]

CHORUS 1: Hello Donna! Is that a new dress you’re wearing?

DONNA: No, it’s from Oxfam. I’m that poor I can’t even afford to shop at Primark.

CHORUS 2: Isn’t your barber shop a roaring success then?

DONNA: It might be if it was staffed. But Rhum’s never around when he’s needed.

CHORUS 3: You mean he’s hair today and gone tomorrow? [laughs]

DONNA: Very funny.

CHORUS 4: He’s probably gone camel racing Donna.

DONNA: I tried that once, but never again.

CHORUS 1: Why, what happened?

DONNA: I fell off at the start and got trampled underfoot.

CHORUS 2: That would explain the state of your face.

CHORUS 3: Not to mention your body.

DONNA: Cheek! Most women would die for a body like mine. In fact, it’s such a perfect specimen I’m even considering leaving it to medical science.

CHORUS 4: You ought to leave it to science fiction.

Exit Chorus [SL] laughing.

DONNA: Cheek! Hello boys and girls! I’m Donna Baba, a poor young widow. My late husband died after he backed into a lathe and gave himself a nasty turn. I sank the insurance money into a barber’s shop, and it’s been a disaster due to my two sons, Rhum and Ali. Rhum doesn’t know the difference between a crew cut and a full perm. And Ali disappeared two years ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t even know if he’s alive or dead. If he ever turns up again, I’ll kill him! Rhum should’ve opened the shop hours ago, I’d better find him. Bye for now! [exits SR]

Enter Rhum [SL]

RHUM: Hello everybody! Welcome to old Cairo! I’m Rhum Baba and I’m a barber. Now, you all look a cut above, and I’m wondering if you’d like to be my friends? Well, would you? Now, what friendly greeting shall we have? I know! Whenever I come on and shout Rhum-tiddly-om-pom, and you all reply, pom-pom! Let’s try it then. [exits and re-enters] Rhum-tiddly-om-pom! Let’s do it again, and this time I want you to open your mouths that wide, I can look past your tonsils and see what you had for breakfast. [repeats business and points at audience] Cornflakes, scrambled egg, chicken Vindaloo!?

Enter Customer [SR] wearing a curly black wig underneath a turban.

RHUM: A customer! Good morning sir, and what can I do for you today?

MAN: I’d like a short back and sides please.

RHUM: Certainly, sir. [shows him to chair] Please take a seat.

MAN: Shouldn’t we go inside the shop first?

RHUM: I’m afraid our electric’s been cut off, so we’re doing customers outside instead.

MAN: Then it’s a good job it’s nice and sunny, isn’t it? [sits]

RHUM: [places cape around Man] I notice you have a touch of dandruff, sir.

MAN: Yes, I’ve tried everything to clear it but nothing seems to work.

RHUM: Then today is your lucky day. [produces a small bottle] This will get rid of your dandruff, in five seconds flat.

MAN: That sounds marvellous! I’ll have some.

RHUM: Now I must warn you, it’s very strong and might sting a bit.

MAN: I think I can cope with a little bit of stinging. Let me have it. [Rhum sprinkles contents on man’s head and rubs it in] Aaaah! [jumps up] My head’s on fire! [dashes about stage in panic]

RHUM: Hold on! [wraps a towel around Man’s head]

MAN: [soothed] Ooooh! That’s better. [sits again]

RHUM: I did warn you it might sting a bit.

MAN: It certainly did. But it’ll be worth it if it gets rid of my dandruff.

RHUM: I’ll just count to five before I remove the towel, and it will all have gone. [gets audience to count along] One…two…three…four…five! [removes towel along with Man’s wig, revealing a bald head] Woah!

MAN: Has it all gone?

RHUM: It sure has.

MAN: [feeling his scalp] Aaaah! [jumps up] I’m completely bald!

RHUM: Maybe I put a bit too much on.

MAN: All my beautiful locks have gone!

RHUM: Yes, but look on the bright side. At least you won’t be bothered by dandruff ever again.

MAN: [draws a dagger] And neither will you once I’ve removed your head!

RHUM: Now, now, sir! Keep your hair on! What am I saying!? It’s time to throw the towel in! [throws towel holding wig at Man] Bye! [exits at a run SL]

MAN: Come back here, you shyster! [exits after him]

Enter Donna [SL]

DONNA: I can’t find Rhum anywhere. But when I do, he won’t know what’s hit him.

Enter Rhum at a run [SL] looking behind him and crashes into Donna.

RHUM: Whoops!

DONNA: [falls on floor revealing comedy bloomers] You clumsy great oaf, Rhum!

RHUM: Sorry mum, but a mad, bald-headed customer is chasing me.

DONNA: Why is a bald-headed customer chasing you?

RHUM: Because he wasn’t bald when he came in.

DONNA: What on earth did you do to him!?

RHUM: I used that new anti-dandruff lotion on him, and it wasn’t only the dandruff that disappeared.

DONNA: You useless great twit! Can’t you do anything right?

RHUM: It’s not my fault, you’re the one who bought it off eBay!

DONNA: That’s right, blame me for everything.

Enter Fatima [SR]

FATIMA: Cooeee, Rhum!

DONNA: It’s Fatima from Fatima’s Pizza Parlour.

RHUM: Every day she visits the bazaar hoping to attract a man, but all she attracts are funny looks.

FATIMA: Do you fancy taking me up the casbah tonight Rhum?

RHUM: I’d love to Fatima, but I’m afraid I can’t.

FATIMA: Why not?

RHUM: I’m just off to join the Foreign Legion. [turns to go]

DONNA: [pulls him back] You can’t join the foreign legion, Rhum!

RHUM: Why can’t I?

DONNA: Because you’re not foreign!

RHUM: I’m half foreign.

DONNA: No, you’re not.

RHUM: But you told me that dad was from abroad.

DONNA: Yes – in Norfolk!