Scene One
The Old Bazaar In Cairo
Baba’s Barber Shop is (DSR) a chair is outside, with a barber’s cape draped over the back. Music cue 1: Citizens. After song ends…Donna Baba enters (SL)
Citizen 1
Hi Donna! Is that a new dress you’re wearing?
Donna
Well it’s new to me. I got it from Oxfam. That’s because I’m so poor I can’t even afford to shop at Primark. (spots audience) Oh, hello! Are you here for the camel racing? I tried it myself once, but never again.
Citizen 2 Why, what happened?
Donna
I fell at the first fence and got trampled underfoot.
Citizen 3
That would explain the state of your face.
Citizen 4
(to others) Not to mention her body.
Chorus laugh.
Donna
Cheek! Most women would die for a body like mine. In fact, I’m such a perfect specimen of womanhood, I’m thinking of leaving my body to science.
Citizen 5
You’d be better off leaving it to science-fiction.
Chorus laugh.
Donna
Clear off the lot of you, before I kick you all up the casbah! (chases Chorus off SL and then turns to audience) And now they’ve gone, I’ll introduce myself. I’m Donna Baba, a widow of this parish. My late husband died in a freak accident, when he backed into a working lathe and gave himself a nasty turn. I sank all the insurance money into this here barber shop, and so far, it’s been a complete disaster. Actually, it’s my son Rhum who’s the disaster. He’s too lazy to even blow his own nose, never mind work. And my other son Ali, disappeared two years ago and I haven’t seen him since. (craning to see SR) Where is Rhum? He should’ve opened up an hour ago. I’d better go and find him, See you later folks. (waves and exits SR)
Rhum enters (SL) and moves (DSC) to address the audience.
Rhum
Hello boys and girls! (audience respond) Welcome to old Cairo. My name’s Rhum Baba and I’m a barber. Now you all look a cut-above, and I was wondering if you’d like to be my friends? Well would you? (audience respond) Great. Now every time I come on I’ll shout ‘Rhum-tiddly-om-pom’ and you can all shout back ‘bom-bom’! Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Rhum-tiddly-om-pom! (audience respond) We’ll do it again. And this time I want you to open your mouths so wide, I can look right past your tonsils and see what you had for tea. (repeats business and then points at people in audience) Beans and chips, burger, fish fingers…!
Customer enters (SR) wearing a black curly wig under his turban.
Rhum
A customer! (to Man) Good morning sir, and what can I do for you today?
Customer
I’d like short back and sides please.
Rhum
Certainly sir. (shows him to the chair) Please take a seat.
Customer
Shouldn’t we go inside the shop?
Rhum
No. Our electric’s been cut off, so we’re doing customers outside.
Customer
Fair enough. (sits)
Rhum
(places the cape around Man’s shoulders, then removes his turban and lots of small pieces of white paper fall out) I see you’ve got a touch of dandruff, sir.
Customer
I know. I’ve tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing works.
Rhum
Don’t worry sir, I have just the thing for clearing dandruff. (produces a bottle and shows it to him) This will get rid of it in five seconds flat.
Customer
Five seconds!
Rhum
If not sooner.
Customer
That sounds marvellous!
Rhum
Now I must warn you, it’s very strong and might sting a bit. (sprinkles the contents of the bottle onto Man’s hair and massages it in)
Customer
(jumps up sceaming) Aaahh! My head feels like it’s on fire! (dashes from one side of the stage to the other, in a blind panic)
SFX: Fire siren, which continues until a towel is wrapped around the Man’s head.
Rhum
Hang on! (runs off stage and immediately returns with a towel with ‘fire-blanket’ written large on it and chases after the Man. The Man eventually halts mid-stage and he wraps the towel around his head)
Customer
(soothed) Ooooh! That’s better. (sits again)
Rhum
I did warn you it might sting a bit.
Customer
It certainly did. Still, it’ll be worth it if it gets rid of my rotten dandruff.
Rhum
I’ll just count to five before I remove the towel, and it will all have gone. (gets audience to count along) One…two…three…four…five! (removes the towel along with Man’s wig, revealing a ‘bald head’) Woah!
Customer
Has it all gone?
Rhum
It sure has. (gives a grimace to audience)
Customer
(feeling his scalp) Aaahh! I’m completely bald!
Rhum
(aside to audience) Maybe I put too much on.
Customer
(wails) All my beautiful locks – gone!
Rhum
Yes, but look on the bright side. At least you won’t be bothered by dandruff again.
Customer
Neither will you, once I’ve removed your head! (stands and draws his sword)
Rhum
(backing away) Now, now sir. Keep your hair on. (aghast to audience) What am I saying!? I think it’s time to chuck in the towel. (throws towel containing the wig to Customer) Cheerio! (runs off SL)
Customer
Come back here! (runs off after him)
Donna enters (SR)
Donna
(to audience) I can’t find Rhum anywhere. (annoyed) Oooh! Just wait ‘til I run into him. He won’t know what’s hit him.
Rhum runs on (DSL) looking over his shoulder and crashes into Donna.
SFX: Swannee whistle followed by comical crashing sound.
Donna
Aaaah! (falls to the floor and flails her legs in the air revealing comic bloomers)
Rhum
Whoops!
Donna
(scrambling to her feet) You, clumsy great oaf!
Rhum
Sorry mum, but a deranged bald-headed customer was chasing me just now.
Donna
Why is a bald-headed customer chasing you?
Rhum
‘Cos he wasn’t bald when he came in.
Donna
(exclaims) Oh, no! What on earth did you do to him?
Rhum
I used that new anti-dandruff lotion, and it wasn’t only the dandruff that disappeared.
Donna
You, useless twit! Can’t you do anything right?
Rhum
It’s not my fault! You’re the one who bought off ebay.
Donna
That’s right, blame me for everything!
Fatima enters (SR)
Fatima
(waving in Rhum’s direction) Cooeee!
Rhum
(to audience) It’s Fatima from the pizza parlour. Everyday she comes to the bazaar dressed to the nines and hoping to attract a man, but all she attracts are funny looks.
Fatima
(sidling up to Rhum) Hello Rhum. Do you fancy taking me up the casbah tonight?
Rhum
I’d love to Fatima, but I’m afraid I can’t.
Fatima
Why not?
Rhum
‘Cos I’m just off to join the Foreign Legion. (turns to go)
Fatima
(pulling him back) You can’t join the foreign legion!
Rhum
Why not?
Fatima
Because you’re not foreign.
Rhum
Well I’m half foreign.
Donna
No you’re not.
Rhum
But you said dad was from abroad.
Donna
Yes…in Norfolk. (to Fatima) So how’s the pizza business Fatima?
Fatima
Terrible. I haven’t sold a single pizza all week.
Rhum
I’m not surprised. Your pizzas taste like dried camel pats.
Fatima
(snaps) No they don’t! The reason no one’s buying, is because they keep getting robbed by Mustafa Leak and his band of thieves.
Rhum
(pointing off SL) Look! Isn’t that Daniel Craig filming the latest James Bond movie?
Fatima
Ooooh! He can ‘bond’ with me anytime. Yoo-hoo! Danny! (rushes off SL)
Donna
That wasn’t Daniel Craig. It was just some flea-bitten old camel wandering by.
Rhum
Well now there’s another one chasing after it. (laughs)
Vizier enters (SR)
Vizier
(announcing loudly) Their royal majesties, the Sultan and Sultana!
Music cue 2: Chorus excitedly rush on (DSL) and get into position ready to greet the Royals. The Sultan and Sultana enter (SR) and all defer to them.
Sultana
(to Sultan) I wish I didn’t have a title that makes me sound like dried fruit.
Sultan
It could’ve been worse, dear.
Sultana
How?
Sultan
You could’ve married Emperor Ming, and become a ‘Minger’.
Vizier
Do your majesties wish me to clear the streets?
Sultan
I thought we had road-sweepers for that sort of thing.
Vizier
I meant, clear the streets of…(indicates Citizens)…common people.
Sultana
Certainly not! We need their votes.
Vizier
Since when do monarchs need anybody’s vote?
Sultan
Since we decided to enter ‘Egypt’s Got Talent’.
Donna
(surprised) Your majesties are entering ‘Egypt’s Got Talent?’
Sultana
Yes.
Rhum
What for? You’re already rich and famous.
Sultana
The monarchy is not very popular at the moment. So we’re entering Egypt’s most popular TV show, to try and woo the viewers. Now, can we count on your vote?
Donna
Certainly.
Sultan
Excellent!
Donna
(holding out her hand) As long as you pay for them.
Vizier
But wouldn’t that be classed as bribery?
Donna
I wouldn’t call it ‘bribery.’
Sultan
Then what would you call it?
Donna
‘Supply and demand.’ We have something you want and we’re willing to sell it to you.
Sultana
(dismissive) Forget it. Simon Cowell would take a dim view of vote-rigging.
Vizier
Why don’t your majesties do what the politicians do, whenever they want votes?
Sultan
You mean, cut everybody’s taxes before the voting starts. Then raise them again after we’ve won?
Vizier
Exactly.
Sultana
What a good idea.
Donna
But that’s bribery!
Sultan
That’s democracy for you. (to Sultan) Come dear. We’ll invite all the ‘Egypt’s Got Talent’ entrants to perform at the palace, and get a sneaky peek at the opposition.
Sultan and Sultana exit (SR) followed by the Vizier and the Chorus.
Kasim
(off) Mush! Mush!
Rhum
That sounds like Uncle Kasim.
Music cue 3: Kasim Baba enters (SL) riding on the back of a Servant
Kasim
Woah, boy! (Servant halts, Kasim dismounts and feeds him a cube of sugar) Servants aren’t what they used to be. I barely get five mpw these days.
Donna
‘Mpw’?
Kasim
‘Miles per whiplash’. (whips servant with a riding-crop)
SFX: Whiplash sound.
Rhum
(to Kasim) Why don’t you ride on a camel like everyone else?
Kasim
I can never decide whether to have one hump or two. Anyway, peace be upon you.
Donna
And peace on you too.
Kasim
May blessings pour down upon your head and light up your life.
Donna
And up yours.
Rhum
To what do we owe the pleasure, uncle?
Donna
(to Kasim) Before you answer that, you’re wasting your time.
Kasim
You don’t know why I’m here yet.
Donna
Oh yes, I do. I’m a medium and I believe in the hereafter.
Kasim
Then you’ll know what I’m here after.
Donna
Yes, and you can’t have it.
Kasim
I want my rent!
Donna
Well I haven’t got it.
Kasim
Then I shall have to repossess your home.
Donna
You’d evict your own sister?
Kasim
Yes, and you’re not my sister.
Donna
Of course I am! Although I sometimes wish I wasn’t.
Kasim
I’d always wondered why we looked so different. (posing, chin up) One of us being so good-looking, and the other being downright ugly.
Donna
Oh, I wouldn’t say you were ‘ugly’ Kasim. ‘Greedy’ – yes. Anyway, what makes you think we’re not related?
Kasim
I looked up our family tree on Ancestry.com. And I discovered that you’d been adopted by my parents, who found you abandoned outside a kebab shop.
Rhum
That would explain why they named you ‘Donna’, mum
Donna
(to Kasim) I don’t believe you.
Kasim
(producing a certificate) Then perhaps these adoption papers will convince you.
Donna
(takes it and reads) Oh no, it’s true! I’m an abandoned child!
Rhum
Gosh mum, you must be devastated.
Donna
I’ll admit it’s a bit of a shock, but at least I have the consolation of knowing that I’m no longer related to this…(indicating Kasim)…ratbag!
Kasim
Now, back to business. (to Donna) You owe me more money than anyone else. What have you to say for yourself?
Donna
(sings) #I’ve got bills they’re multiplying – and I’m losing control…#
Kasim
You’ll be losing your freedom if you don’t pay up.
Donna
But I’m too poor to pay.
Rhum
It’s true. We’re so poor, all I’ve eaten today are a few flakes
Kasim
Cornflakes?
Rhum
No. Soapflakes.
Kasim
(exclaims) Soapflakes! You must be mad!
Donna
Mad? He was foaming at the mouth!
Kasim
Pay up by tomorrow, or out you go! (exits SL riding on servant)
Donna
(to Rhum) Well, son. It looks like we’re about to be thrown out of our lovely home.
Rhum
‘Lovely home’! Earlier you called it in a ‘rat-infested hovel.’
Donna
It is. But it’s better than walking the streets. (wryly to audience) And I should know. Let’s go and check the post. Who knows, maybe I’ve won some foreign lottery I’ve never even heard of.
They exit (USR)
Kids dressed as postie’s run on both sides and perform a routine. Music cue 4: Postie’s. After song ends…All exit.
Donna and Rhum re-enter (USR)
Donna
(holding up several brown envelopes for audience to see) Look here. I’ve got more bills than a gaggle of geese.
Ali Baba enters (DSL) with Sopwith.
Rhum
(spots him) Look mum! It’s Ali! He’s come home!
Donna
(turns) Ali! Where have you been for the past two years?
Ali
I’ve been in the Foreign Legion, mum.
Rhum
How come they let you in?
Ali
(French accent) I put on ze French accent.
Donna
Well why didn’t you let me know where you where, instead of leaving me to worry about you these past two years?
Ali
But I sent you a letter as soon as I arrived in camp, mum.
SFX: A Pigeon is thrown onstage with a note attached to its leg.
Donna
I see you sent it second class, then.
Rhum
Why did you join the Foreign Legion anyway, Ali?
Ali
To forget.
Rhum
To forget what?
Ali
I’ve forgotten. Which is why I’ve returned home.
Donna
Just in time to leave it again.
Ali
What do you mean, mum?
Rhum
It appears that Uncle Kasim, isn’t our uncle after all. And he’s threatened to evict us unless we come up with the rent by tomorrow.
Ali
Don’t worry mum, I think I might have the answer.
Donna
And what’s that then?
Ali
While I was in the Legion, I heard about a lost pyramid, said to be filled with priceless treasures. All we have to do is find it and we’ll be rich.
Rhum
But how are we going to find it?
Ali
Sopwith here is an ex-sniffer camel, trained to sniff out dead bodies. And as all pyramids contain the bodies of dead mummies, I reckon he can sniff them out too.
Sopwith nods.
Donna
You mean we’ll have to rely on this old flea-bag finding a pyramid, that’s been buried under the desert sand for yonks. To save us from being evicted?
Ali
Yes, mum.
Donna
I’ll start packing. (turns to go but is held back by Ali)
Ali
No, wait mum! He really can do it.
Donna
Then prove it.
Ali
All right then, I will. (to Sopwith) Won’t you Sopwith? (Sopwith whispers in his ear) Good point, Sopwith.
Rhum
What did he say?
Ali
He said he’ll need a dead body to be buried under the sand first, in order to find it.
Donna
Will Rhum do?
Rhum
But I’m not dead.
Donna
You are from the neck up. (to Ali) Will half dead do?
Ali
I don’t think so mum.
Donna
I have an idea. Wait there. (exits SR)
Ali
What’s she up to now?
Rhum
I don’t know, but I hope she isn’t about to drag in a dead body.
Donna re-enters wearing a gas-mask and holding a long sock in a litter-grabber. The sock is full of holes and covered in nasty stains. She removes the mask briefly to speak, then replaces it afterwards.
Donna
Rhum’s socks smell like a rotting corpse. I’ll bury this one in a sand dune over there…(points SR)…and we’ll see if Sopwith can find it.
Ali
(confident) No problem.
Donna
(exits SL and re-enters minus the sock) There, it’s done.
Ali
(to Sopwith) Okay Sopwith, go find it boy. (Sopwith shakes his head) Why not? (Sopwith whispers) You’re not feeling suicidal? (Sopwith nods) You don’t have to actually dig it up. Just lead me to it and I’ll dig it up.
Sopwith nods and leads Ali off (SL)
Donna
(to Rhum) Do you think he’ll find it?
Rhum
I certainly hope so. It belongs to my best pair.
SFX: Loud thud.
Ali runs on in a panic.
Ali
Somebody call a vet! Quick!
Rhum
What’s the matter Ali?
Ali
Mum didn’t bury your sock deep enough, and Sopwith’s nose touched it! I think he’s in a coma!
Rhum
(to audience) Does anyone know how to give the kiss-of-life to a camel?
Donna
I’ll do it!
Ali
(surprised) Are you experienced at this sort of thing, mum?
Donna
Oh, yes. I had plenty of practice with your father.
Sopwith immediately comes running on.
Ali
Sopwith! You’re alive!
Rhum
He must’ve heard mum volunteering to give him the kiss of life.
Sopwith nods.
Donna
Cheek! Anyway, I don’t believe he can sniff out a real mummy.
Ali
Oh yes, he can!
Donna
Oh no, he can’t!
Ali
Then I’ll prove it by going and finding the lost pyramid, right now. (to Sopwith) Come on Sopwith. (exits SL with Sopwith)
Rhum
I’d better fetch my sock. (exits and returns sniffing the sock) There’s a strange smell on it now.
Donna
It’s called ‘fresh air’.
Music cue 5: Dusty and Sandy enter (SR) Sandy carries a bag containing a small gold pyramid.
Dusty
Evening all. I’m Inspector Dusty Corner of the Yard, and this is Constable Sandy Bottom. And we’re searching for the most ruthless villain in all Egypt.
Rhum
Who’s that then?
Sandy
(exclaims) Mustafa Leak!
Donna
The loo’s out back, dear.
Dusty
No! Mustafa Leak and his forty thieves!
Sandy
We’re trying to flush them out.
Rhum
So they’re hiding in the drains, are they?
Donna
If I were you, I’d try ‘Mr Muscle’. That always clears my blockages.
Dusty
We plan to lure them out with this. (produces a small gold pyramid)
Donna
A toy pyramid!
Rhum
I don’t think that’ll lure them out.
Dusty
It’s made of solid gold, and we’re going to leave it here…(places it in front of curtains DSL)…as bait. Once Mustafa spots it, he’s bound to try and steal it and then we’ll jump out and nab him.
Donna
But how will you know if he tries pinching it?
Dusty
I’ll ask the boys and girls to help us. (to audience) If you see anyone about to pick up this pyramid, will you shout out and warn us? (audience respond) Thanks!
Sandy
(to Dusty) What’ll we get them to shout?
Dusty
Well seeing as it’s a pyramid, and all pyramids contain mummies. Why don’t we get them to shout the name of the most famous mummy of them all.
Rhum
Joan Collins? (or current famous ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ celeb)
Dusty
No! Tutankhamen! (to audience) If you see anyone about to pick up this pyramid, will you all shout out, ‘Tutankhamen’? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (business of walking away and sneaking up on the pyramid – audience shout) Wonderful! (to Sandy) Let’s get back undercover, Constable Bottom.
Dusty and Sandy exit (SR)
Donna
Right, Rhum. I’m making a fruit cake later and I need some dates.
Rhum
17th of March…24th of June and the 10th of August.
Donna
No, you idiot! I mean dates that grow on trees.
Rhum
I know just the place, mum. Follow me.
They exit (SL)
Blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.
Scene Two
A Meeting Of Thieves
Lights dim briefly. Music cue 6: Kasim enters (SL) wearing a long black beard.
Kasim
(to audience) Greetings! I am Mustafa Leak. Notorious leader of a band of thieves, and the most wanted man in Egypt. I am also known as…(removes his beard)…Kasim Baba, rich landlord and pillar of the community. You won’t tell anyone my little secret, will you? (audience respond) You’d better keep your gobs shut, or I’ll set my forty thieves on you. I message them earlier to meet me here. (spots the gold pyramid) What’s this? (goes to picks it up and audience shout)
Music cue 7: Dusty and Sandy run on (SR)
Dusty
Aha! Mustafa Leak!
Kasim
(instantly hides the beard behind his back) Where?
Sandy
‘Ang on inspector. Mustafa Leak has a big black beard, and he doesn’t.
Kasim
That’s because I’m clean-shaven Kasim Baba. Property tycoon and pillar of the community. Your superintendent and I are intimate friends.
Sandy
Did you hear that inspector? He’s been intimate with the super!
Dusty
(to Kasim) You’re obviously not Mustafa Leak, so we’ll bid you good day sir. (to Sandy) Back undercover, Bottom.
Dusty and Sandy exit (SR)
Kasim
Those coppers must be using that gold pyramid as bait, to try and capture me. But they won’t succeed. (puts beard back on and laughs)
Hyde and Seek enter and sneak up behind Kasim.
Hyde
(loudly) Hello, boss!
Kasim
(startled) Aaahh! (hits them) Fools! Don’t ever sneak up on me like that again!
Seek
But you’re always telling us to sneak up on people.
Kasim
Only if you’re about to rob them. (counting them) Where are the rest of my gang?
Hyde
They’ve gone to rob a caravan.
Kasim
(rubbing hands together) You mean a camel caravan, full of rich merchants?
Seek
No, a static caravan at Skegness. They reckoned it was less dangerous.
Kasim
The rotten cowards! If I ever see them again, I’ll slit their throats from ear to ear!
Hyde
Can we go to Skeggy, boss?
Seek
Yeah, we haven’t had a holiday in…ever!
Kasim
Are you mad?
Hyde
No, but that’s what the producer called you when he heard you wanted forty thieves onstage.
Kasim
Oh he did, did he? (draws his sword and exits SL)
(screams off) Arrggh!
Kasim re-enters wiping his sword on his sleeve.
Kasim
That’s shown him.
Seek
(aside to audience) Talk about getting into your part!
Kasim
(to Hyde & Seek) You two will just have to steal even more stuff, to make up for the rest of them.
Hyde
Actually, we’ve been busy picking pockets on the way here boss.
Kasim
Excellent! Show me what you’ve got then.
Hyde/Seek
(showing items) Chewing gum…crisp packets…sweet wrappers…guess hankies…
Kasim
…Stop talking rubbish! (hits them) Have you forgotten everything I taught you about picking pockets?
Seek
Remind us again, boss.
Music cue 8: Kasim, Hyde and Seek. Kids dressed as Street Urchins enter and take part, with Kasim acting as Fagin, while Hyde and Seek watch. During the song a Man enters (DSR) using an iPad. He stops (CS) and continues using the iPad unaware of the Robbers. Kasim waves the Kids away and they exit.
Kasim
(to Hyde & Seek pointing to Man) Look! There’s a likely pocket. Now go and pick it.
Hyde/Seek
(daft salute) Yes, boss!
Music continues underscore, as Hyde and Seek creep either side of the Man and place their hands in his pockets. Hyde grabs hold of a gold chain and begins to slowly pulls it out, at the same time, Seek starts to bring out an identical gold chain. The gold chain in Hyde’s hand starts to disappear back inside the man’s pocket. (it’s actually one long chain) Hyde yanks the chain hard and Seek’s hand is pulled right into the man’s pocket and his face is thrust up against his leg. Music immediately stops.
Man
(to Seek) ‘Ere, what’s your game?
Seek immediately yanks his hand out still holding the gold chain and Hyde’s hand is then pulled into the Man’s other pocket and his face is thrust up against his other leg.
Man
(snaps) What do you think you’re doing?
Hyde
(frightened) Oh…er…(to Seek)…Seek?
Seek
We’re…erm…just being friendly?
Man
Morons! (bangs their heads together)
SFX: Hollow wooden clunk.
Man exits (SL)
Kasim
You, useless pair! You couldn’t steal candy from a baby!
Hyde
Oh yes, we can. (produces a lollipop) See!
Seek
And that’s not all we got. (takes out a baby’s rattle) Look!
Kasim
Imbeciles! (hits them) Let’s get to our secret hideout and check on our loot.
They start to exit (SL)
Hyde
(spots the pyramid) What’s this? (goes to pick it up and audience shout)
Music cue 9: Dusty and Sandy run on (SR) and grab hold of Kasim again.
Dusty
Aha! Got you this time, Mustafa Leak!
Kasim
It’s me again, you fools! Kasim Baba!
Sandy
You must think we’re stupid. Nobody can grow a beard that quick.
Kasim
It’s a false beard…(removes his beard)…look!
Dusty
Why are you wearing a false beard?
Kasim
I’m going to a fancy dress party.
Sandy
Who as?
Kasim
Mustafa Leak, of course! (puts beard back on) See?
Sandy
(exclaims) It’s him! (grabs hold of Kasim’s arm) Mustafa Leak, you’re under arrest!
Dusty
No you, idiot! He’s Kasim Baba!
Sandy
Oh yeah, I forgot. (sheepishly releasing Kasim) Sorry.
Dusty
(to Kasim) Please accept our apologies. (to Sandy) Back under bottom, Cover. I mean ‘back undercover, Bottom.’
Dusty and Sandy exit (SR)
Seek
(to Kasim) So where’s this fancy dress party we’re going to?
Kasim
There is no fancy dress party, you fool! Now follow me.
All exit (USL)
Kids dressed as jungle explorers enter and perform a musical routine. Music cue 10: Explorers. As song nears end…All begin to exit as music fades. Music cue 11: Professor Jones enters from the back of the hall running the audience over with a large magnifying glass. His daughter, Indiana follows on behind. They can ad-lib with the audience as they make their way to the stage.
Indiana
Do you think we’ll ever find this lost pyramid, father?
Jones
Absolutely!
Indiana
But surely we would’ve spotted something as big as a pyramid by now.
Jones
Not necessarily. It’s probably buried under tons of sand. For all we know, the tip of the pyramid might be right under our very noses.
They make their way onstage and continue the search.
Indiana
(spots the gold pyramid) What’s this? (goes to pick it up and audience shout)
Music cue 12: Dusty and Sandy run on (SR)
Dusty
Aha! (grabs hold of Jones) Mustafa Leak, you’re under arrest!
Jones
I’m not Mustafa Leak! I am Professor Jones! And this is my daughter, Indiana.
Indiana
And who are you?
Dusty
I’m Corner of the Yard.
Sandy
And I’m Bottom of the Yard
Dusty
Would you mind telling me what you’re doing in Egypt, Professor?
Jones
We’re searching for a lost pyramid.
Sandy
Where did you lose it?
Indiana
We didn’t lose it. It belongs to Pharaoh Nuff.
Dusty
Then why isn’t he looking for it himself?
Jones
Because he’s dead.
Sandy
Sounds like a case of murder, inspector.
Dusty
You’re right, constable. (places a hand on Jones shoulder) Professor Jones, I arrest you for the murder of Pharaoh Nuff!
Indiana
Don’t be ridiculous! My father is an archaeologist and the pyramid is ancient.
Jones
Look, here’s the map we’ve been following. (takes out a map and hands it to Dusty – see properties)
Dusty
(looks at the map and turns it over) But there’s nothing on it?
Indiana
That’s because it’s a map of the Sahara.
Dusty
(studying the map) Hang on, there’s some small print on the bottom. (reads) ‘Turn right at the Spitting Camel, and follow the road to the Oasis Of Paradise.’
Jones
I’ve never seen that before. (taking the map and squinting closely at it) I still can’t.
Sandy
It must mean ‘The Spitting Camel Inn’, which stands at the crossroads outside Cairo.
Jones
Come along Indy. I can’t wait to get my hands on Pharaoh Nuff’s artefacts.
Jones and Indiana exit (SL)
Dusty
(to Sandy) Back undercover, Bottom.
Sandy and Dusty exit (USR)
SFX: Loud sniffing sound.
Ali and Sopwith enter (DSR) Sopwith is sniffing around.
Ali
We’d better find that pyramid soon, Sopwith. Otherwise we’ll be evicted from our home, and I’ll have to sell you to the glue factory. And you don’t want that, do you? (Sopwith shakes head) Then you’d better hurry up and find it boy.
They exit (SR) with Sopwith once more sniffing at the ground.
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