The Benbow inn

Music cue 1: Dancers. After song ends…

Dancers exit.

Mrs Hawkins enters (SR)

Mrs Hawkins

Time gentlemen please!

Customer

But it’s only eight o’clock!

Mrs Hawkins

(taps her watch) That’s the last time I buy anything from a jolly tar boat sale. (to audience) Oh we have got a full inn tonight. Have you all had a drink?…I thought you looked the worse for wear. If you’ve come for the karaoke, I’m afraid it’s been cancelled. But you can still join in our musical evening. Whenever you hear the old pirates song, ‘fifteen men on a dead man’s chest’ you all sing ‘yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Let’s have a practice shall we? Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest!

Audience

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Mrs Hawkins

Brilliant! Now there’s a little favour I’d like you to do for me. I’m trying to wean my customers off the hard stuff, like rum and brandy and such. I’ve nothing against it mind, it’s just that so much is smuggled in these days that the price has plummeted and I can’t make a decent profit anymore. So if you hear anyone say I’ll have a stiff one, you shout out. Not in here you won’t! Will you do that for me?…Great, you can all have a drink on the house later. Provided you use your own glass and don’t leave the cold tap running.

Dr Livesey enters (SL)

Mrs Hawkins

Oh, Dr Livesey! How kind of you to call at such short notice.

Dr Livesey

Well it sounded quite urgent Mrs Hawkins, now what’s wrong with you?

Jim

Have you got a couple of hours?

Mrs Hawkins

It’s a bit delicate doctor.

Livesey hands Mrs Hawkins a tube of cream.

Dr Livesey

Here, take this and rub it on the infected area.

Mrs Hawkins

No, it’s not that this time. It’s my chest, doctor.

Dr Livesey

What’s wrong with it?

Mrs Hawkins

It’s terribly rough.

Dr Livesey

Yes, but I’m afraid I don’t do plastic surgery.

Mrs Hawkins

I don’t need plastic surgery! I have a perfect figure.

Dr Livesey

(aside) For a pantomime cow.

Mrs Hawkins

Aren’t you going to take a look then?

DR Livesey

(grimaces) Must I?

Jim

Would you like a drink first doctor?

Dr Livesey

Thanks Jim, I’ll have a stiff one.

Mrs Hawkins

(leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

Dr Livesey

On second thoughts forget the drink. I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Livesey listens to Mrs Hawkins chest.

Dr Livesey

Ummh…Ohh…Ahh!

Mrs Hawkins

What is it doctor?

Dr Livesey

Pardon?

Mrs Hawkins

I said what is it?

Dr Livesey

Eh!?

Mrs Hawkins

(shouts into end of the stethoscope) What is it?

Dr Livesey

Arrrgh! (pulls stethoscope from his ears) You could’ve done me a nasty injury Mrs Hawkins!

Mrs Hawkins

There’s still time. Now what did you hear?

Dr Livesey

Well it’s a sort of regular, bom…bom…bom.

Mrs Hawkins

That’s my heart you fool!

Dr Livesey

I’ve always wondered what that was.

Mrs Hawkins

You’re just an old quack!

Dr Livesey

Close your eyes.

Mrs Hawkins closes her eyes.

Livesey holds a spotted handkerchief in front of her eyes.

Dr Livesey

What do you see?

Mrs Hawkins

Nothing.

Dr Livesey

Open them.

Mrs Hawkins opens her eyes.

Dr Livesey

Now what do you see?

Mrs Hawkins

Spots.

Livesey removes the handkerchief.

Dr Livesey

(shouts) Do you suffer from headaches!?

Mrs Hawkins

Well I do now.

Livesey spins her around.

Dr Livesey

How do you feel?

Mrs Hawkins

(holds her head) Dizzy.

Dr Livesey

Spots before the eyes, headaches and dizziness. It’s just as I thought.

Mrs Hawkins

What!?

Dr Livesey

You’re run down.

Mrs Hawkins

I knew I’d been working too hard. What do you suggest doctor?

Dr Livesey

I suggest a long sea voyage.

Mrs Hawkins

Well, I’ve always fancied a Mediterranean cruise.

JIM

But mum, you used to get seasick in the paddling pool when you were younger.

Mrs Hawkins

Oh I’ll have grown out of that by now. Isn’t that so doctor?

Dr Livesey

Oh yes, you’d never fit in that paddling pool now.

Customer rushes up to Livesey.

Customer

Doctor doctor! I’ve just swallowed my watch what shall I do?

Dr Livesey

Drink syrup of figs.

Customer

Will it stop the pain?

Dr Livesey

No, but it’ll help to pass the time.

Another customer rushes up to Livesey

Customer

Doctor doctor! I’ve got this urge to cover myself in gold paint.

Dr Livesey

You’ve obviously got a gilt complex.

(singing off) #Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest#

Audience

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Jim

What was that?

Mrs Hawkins

It sounded like someone singing.

(off) #Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest#

Audience

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Dr Livesey

Those carol singers get earlier every year.

Billy Bones enters (SL)

FX:

Howling wind.

Billy Bones

Aharr! Batten down the hatches! There’s a terrible storm a-blowing!

Mrs Hawkins

Can I help you Mr…?

Billy Bones

Who be the owner of this ere establishment.

Mrs Hawkins

(gruff voice) I be the owner (lighter voice) I mean, I’m the owner.

Billy Bones

Then I have a proposition for’ee.

Mrs Hawkins

We don’t want cheaper electricity, gas or phone calls thank you. I’m quite happy with candles and coal, and my voice carries well over long distances.