Scene One

The Mill On The Hill

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…The Villagers all line up outside the mill. Music cue 2: Major Domo enters (SR) and bangs his mace.

Major Domo

(loudly) Their royal Majesties, King Rumbletum and Queen Incognita – and her highness, Princess Pearl!

The Royal Party enter (SR) and stand in front of the mill door.

King

Greetings, loyal objects!

The Villagers remain obviously unimpressed.

Queen

(aside to Major Domo) The villagers don’t seem very pleased to see us, Major Domo.

Major Domo

I’m afraid the royal family aren’t as popular as they used to be, your Majesty. Now if one of you were to enter the ‘Big Brother’ House.

King

Oh I don’t think we need to stoop that low, Major Domo. I’m sure we can win them over with a spot of royal hand waving.

The King & Queen wave their hands about in the royal fashion.

Villager

(to King) Would you mind moving back a bit? Only we’re waiting for the mill to open so we can buy our daily flour!

Major Domo

How dare you! That's his majesty, King Desmond!

Villager

(dismissive) We’re not interested in royalty.

Princess

Oh do hurry up Father, I’m getting bored!

King

Pearl, please! Not in front of the common people!

Villager

Ere, mush! Who do’ya fink you’re callin’ common? (wipes his nose nosily on his sleeve)

Queen

Uggh!

King

Major Domo – if you please.

Major Domo

(bangs his mace) Their Majesties are holding a garden party at the palace tomorrow evening, and invite all citizens of Ikea to attend.

Villagers chatter excitedly and begin to exit (SL) talking animatedly as they go.

Villagers

I must buy a new dress! I need a new hat! Etc…

Queen

That seems to have sparked their interest.

Major Domo

The villager’s are a fickle lot, your Majesty. If they begin to lose interest in the Monarchy – you only have to throw a garden party or announce a royal wedding and their interest is re-kindled once more.

Princess

(bored sigh) Can we go now? I’m bored!

Major Domo

Bored your Highness?

Princess

Yes bored, Major Domo! If I were a Prince I’d be off having adventures – slaying dragons – rescuing damsels in distress – ski-ing at Cloisters. But all Princesses are expected to do is to wear fine clothes and marry the first eligible Prince that comes their way. Being a girl’s dead boring. (stamps her feet) Boring, boring, boring!

Queen

Oh no it isn’t!

Princess

Oh yes it is!

King

Oh no it isn’t!

Major Domo

Pardon me your Majesties – but why don’t I ask all the girls in the audience if they think its boring being a girl?

Princess

Go ahead – they’re bound to agree with me.

King

Well if they don’t – I want you to agree to pick a husband and get married within the week.

Princess

You can’t be serious, Father!

King

Deadly serious. It’s time you got married and supplied me with an heir. Now is it Deal or no deal?

FX:

Loud ‘heartbeat’ sound.

Princess

(after several seconds) Deal!

Major Domo

(to audience) Now then all you girls old and young. If you think its boring being a girl, I want you to sit quietly and fold your arms. And if you think its great being a girl I want you to stand up – raise your arms in the air and shout ‘girl power!’ After three…one…two…three! (audience react) The King wins, hands down.

King

That’s settled then! (to Princess) You must marry either a Prince or a rich nobleman, within the week.

Princess

But…

Queen

A Marquis at the very least!

Princess

You’re not really going to hold me to that silly deal, are you?

Queen

Oh course!

King

A deal’s a deal!

Princess

But how will I know when I’ve meet Mr Right?

Queen

You’ll soon know when you’ve fallen in love.

Princess

Oh, stuff and nonsense, Mother. I’m never going to fall in love. Music cue 3: Princess. After song ends…

Queen

(to Princess) Don’t be silly dear – now come along.

The Royal Party exit (SL) Dame Dumpling’s daughters enter (DSR) and go up to the mill door.

Hyacinth

(sees the ‘Closed’ sign) The mill’s closed!

Petunia

The lazy millers must be still in bed.

Rose

I’ll soon get them up! (pulls the bell cord) Music cue 4:

FX:

Sails on windmill turn round.

Hyacinth

It’s no good, they must be fast asleep.

Petunia

Why don’t we ask this lot (audience) to help us wake them up?

Rose

Good idea. (to audience) Will you help us to wake the millers? (audience react) Great. We’ll count to three, and then you all shout ‘Wakey-wakey! Ok, after three…One…two…three! Wakey-wakey! (audience shout) Louder. Wakey-wakey!

Harry

(opens the door – scratching and yawning) Yes, what can I do for you?

Hyacinth

We’ve come to buy some flour.

Harry

Sorry, we’re all out of flour.

Petunia

How come?

Harry

Voltaire Mills have just opened a huge out of town hyper-mill – forcing all us small millers out of business.

FX:

Donkey brays.

Dick enters (USR) carrying a ‘For Sale’ sign over his shoulder – followed slowly by Neddy

Dick

(glumly) Hiya girls. I suppose you’ve come to buy flour for your Mum.

Rose

Yes, but Harry here says you haven’t got any!

Dick

That’s right. We haven’t seen any corn for weeks.

Hyacinth

What about oats?

Dick

We haven’t had any oats for months, have we Harry?

Harry

(dryly) No comment.

Dick lifts the ‘For Sale’ sign off his shoulder and stands it up.

Petunia

Don’t tell me you’re selling the mill as well!

Harry

Yep! Lock stock and two empty barrels!

Doris

(off) Push Oddjob!

Rose

It’s Mum!

Neddy

Eeeyore! (runs off SL)

Harry

(to Dick) I don’t think Neddy fancies facing Dame Dumpling this early in the morning.

Dick

Me neither. That woman has a face like someone who’s just been licking nettles coated in vinegar.

Harry

And she won’t be happy when she finds out we haven’t any flour.

Doris

(off) Push, harder!

Dick

Let’s get outta here! (he dashes inside the mill and slams the door shut just as Harry reaches it – Harry hammers on the door) Who is it?

Harry

Harry!

Dick

Harry who?

Harry

Harry up and open this door!

The door opens and Harry runs indoors – the door slams shut again – Oddjob enters (DSR) struggling to push a two dimensional cut-out yellow taxi containing Dame Dumpling.

Doris

Put your back into it, Oddjob!

Oddjob

I’ll put my back out in a minute. (gives the Taxi one last push and lets go – the taxi careers across stage and disappears off SL)

Doris

(off) Help!!!!

Oddjob

Oooops! (goes over and looks into the wing) That hill looks rather steep. I wonder if she’ll remember to apply the brake.

Doris

(off) Arrrgggh!!!!

FX:

Loud crashing sound.

Oddjob

Nope.

Girls

Mum! (all run off after the taxi)

Oddjob

Bang goes my no-claims bonus. (sees audience) Oh hello! I didn’t notice you there. Have you all come for the royal garden party? (audience react) I’ll be there. (downbeat) Working as usual. Let me introduce myself. My name’s Oscar, but I have so many part-time jobs that everyone calls me ‘Oddjob.’ I’m also a part-time resident of the village of Ikea –which is Swedish for ‘crowded on Saturdays’. I can’t afford to live here full-time because of the extortionate house prices…I tell you what, it might make me feel more at home if you lot were all to shout ‘hiya Oddjob’ every time I come on. Would you do that for me? (audience respond) Great, let’s have a practice run. I’ll go off and come back on and say ‘hiya kids’ and you all shout back ‘hiya Oddjob’ (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! (audience shout) Well that wasn’t very good, was it? I don’t feel anymore at home than I did earlier. Let’s have another go. (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! (audience shout) Great, I feel really at home now.

Doris

(off) Oddjob!

Oddjob

Oh crumbs!

Doris enters (DSL) with a steering wheel around her neck and carrying a car battery in her hand – supported on either side by her girls.

Doris

Call yourself a driver! I’ve a good mind to sue you for whiplash!

Oddjob

You should have applied your foot to the brake!

Doris

I’ll apply my foot to your backside in a minute!

Hyacinth

Why have you come all the way up here anyway, Mum?

Doris

I came to see why it was taking you so long to fetch a bit of flour – that’s what! You did get some didn’t you?

Petunia

No, Mum.

Doris

Don’t tell me they’ve stopped my tab!

Rose

No – they’ve closed the mill.

Doris

What? But it’s not even a bank holiday!

Hyacinth

No Mum, they’ve closed it for good!

Petunia

And it’s up for sale. (pointing to ‘For Sale’ sign) Look!

Doris

But if they close the mill, where are we going to get our flour?

Rose

Tesco?

Doris

Give over – they’ll never allow me a tab.

Hyacinth

Then what are you going to do?

Dame

I’ll appeal to the public at large!

Oddjob

(dryly) I think you’ll find you don’t, you know.

Dame

(goes downstage) Hello, public at large – not to mention the extra large.

Petunia

Extra large?

Doris

I told you not to mention them. (to audience) Who would like to sign a petition to keep our mill open? (audience react) Oh that’s very kind of you. (goes down and hands a small piece of paper to audience member in front row) Right, you start it at this end and pass it along…What? You haven’t got anything to write with? Hang on a mo. (rummages in her bloomers pocket) I’ve got a little one in here somewhere. (produces a tiny pencil, which she hands over) Here you are.

Rose

They’ll never get all their names on that little piece of paper, Mum!

Dame

Well if he/she’s (indicates audience member) anything to go by, they’re probably all illiterate anyway. (to audience member) Just get everyone to put their X on it love and I’ll pick it up after the show. (goes back onstage) While I was down there I noticed we have some VIP’s sitting on the front row. Very irritable pensioners. We also have a group in from the British Haemorrhoid Society. That’s them all stood up at the back.

Oddjob

(to Doris) What about my taxi fare?

Doris

I’m not paying for that so-called taxi trip. I’ve had smoother rides on a three-legged donkey with a limp.

Oddjob

But I’ve got overheads!

Doris

Well here’s some more. (hits him on the head with the steering wheel)

Oddjob

I’ll have you up for assault.

Doris

Then you might as well add battery to the charge. (bashes him with the ‘car battery’ then shows it to audience) Battery…Get it?…Oh, please yourselves. (to Oddjob) Anyway, it’s me that should be taking you to court for demanding money with menaces from a poor widow woman. (encourages audience to sympathise)

Audience

Ahhh!

Doris

It’s sadder than that!

Audience

Ahhh!

Doris

(to audience) I’ve been on my own for the past ten years you know. My late husband never left me much after he died…Although he left me plenty of times while he was alive. And I’ve had to bring up all (number of Girls) girls on my own. I had hoped they’d all be married off by now, but for some reason no one seems to want to marry them. I don’t know why. I mean – what’s wrong with my girls?

Oddjob

Nothing – it’s the mother-in-law they don’t fancy.

Doris

Cheek!

Hyacinth

Maybe one of the miller boys would like to marry us, Mum.

Petunia

Oh yes, I’ve always liked Harry.

Rose

I fancy Tom.

Hyacinth

And I love…

Doris

…Steady on! You can’t marry any Tom, Dick or Harry!

Petunia

Why not?

Dame

Well if their mill’s gone bust, then they’re just as poor as we are.

Petunia

But that’s not fair!

Doris

Sorry girls. No dough, no go. I’m not having you all living in poverty for the rest of your lives.

Hyacinth

Why not? We’ve managed it so far.

Doris

(hurt) That’s right, throw it all back in my face. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone to keep this family together. I started out with nothing…

Rose

(to audience)…And still has most of it.

Doris

But I’ve always remembered the words your Grandmother spoke to me on her deathbed. ‘Doris’ she said – she always called me Doris you know.

Oddjob

(puzzled) But that’s your name!

Doris

I know! Why do you think she always called me Doris? ‘Doris’ she said – ‘whenever things gets you down and you’ve reached the end of your tether – tie a big knot in it and hang on for dear life.’