Scene one

The Golden Nugget Saloon

Music cue 2: Dancers. After song ends…Dancers exit (SL) The Milky Bar Kid enters (SR)

M. B. K

(to audience) Hiya folks! And welcome to the little ol’ town of Silver Creek. We’ve got one shop – one saloon – and a blacksmith – who is also the vet – barber and dentist all rolled into one. Last week he got a bit confused and ended up shoeing the Mayor – worming the Vicar and fitting dental braces on a horse. Now my name is Aloysius. But everyone calls me ‘The Milky-Bar Kid’ on account of my liking for the white stuff. So every time I come on and shout ‘Hiya folks’! I want you all to shout back ‘It’s The Milky-Bar Kid’! Will you do that for me? I said, will you do that? Great. Let’s have a go then. (exits then re-enters) Hiya folks! (repeat until happy with the response – then throw out some small ‘Milky Bars’) Thanks! (goes over to bar) Set ‘em up Candy – the drinks are on me!

Candy

Sure thing kid! The usual fer you?

M. B. K

(talking tough) Yeah, and make it a double this time.

Customer

What’s the celebration, kid?

M. B. K

My rich Aunt from England is arriving on the next stagecoach and I’m expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old girl.

Candy

I always thought people from England had rich American relatives, not the other ways round.

M. B. K

Well not in my case. I never seem able to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamed of it, asked for it, gambled for it. I’ve even begged for it.

Old Timer

Have you tried working for it? (hoikes and spits in direction of wing SL)

FX:

Ding sound; of spit hitting a spittoon.

M.B.K

Ugggh! You said the W word.

Candy

How ya gonna pay for all these drinks, kid?

M. B. K

Don’t worry Candy, Aunt Calamity will pick up my tab.

Candy

Well if she don’t, you’ll be needing someone to pick you up.

M. B. K

Listen to this telegram she sent me. (takes out a telegram and reads) Dear Aloysius…

All fall about laughing.

Old Timer

Aloysius! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting-tooting-shooting cowboy? (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

FX:

Ding sound; of spit hitting a spittoon.

M.B.K

(bashful) Shucks, I ain’t no rough, tough, rooting-tooting-shooting cowboy?

Candy passes M. B. K a glass of milk.

Candy

Here’s your milk, kid.

Customer

No – you’re more of a Brokeback Mountain cowboy!

All the others fall about, laughing.

Candy

How come you don’t like booze, kid?

M. B. K

It gives me wind and the froth gets up me nose. Now if you don’t mind I’ll finish reading my telegram. (reading) Dear Al…Nephew. Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage and looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you. Your loving Aunt – Calamity Jane. What did I tell you, she’s loaded with cash and she can’t wait to offload it onto me.

The saloon doors burst open and Black Angelina and Jolie enter (SL)

Customer

Look out, folks! It’s the Pitt Gang!

Angelina

Ok, everybody reach! (customers make barfing noises) I said reach, not retch!

Jolie

(concerned) Maybe they really are sick, Angelina.

Customer

Yeah, sick of bein’ robbed.

Sheriff

(stands eye to eye with the robbers) If you ask me, you gals are headin’ fer a heap o’ trouble. So take my advice and clear out while you still can.

Angelina

(snarls) When we want your advice Sheriff, we’ll ask fer it!

Sheriff

(nervously) Ok, just let me know when you want it then. (sits)

Candy

Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?

Sheriff

That reminds me, Candy. Where’s that cheese sandwich I ordered?

Angelina

Now everyone hand over your wallets!

Old Timer

Get lost! (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

FX:

Ding sound; of spit hitting a spittoon.

Angelina

Show em we mean business, Jolie!

Jolie

(to Customers) Right, you’ve asked for this. (draws a banana out of his holster and points it at them)

Candy

(laughs) She’s totin’ a banana!

Jolie

Yeah, an I ain’t afraid to use it.

All fall about laughing and Angelina whirls round in disbelief.

Angelina

Why on earth did you bring a banana to a hold up?

Jolie

You told me to!

Angelina

No I didn’t!

Jolie

Yes you did! I distinctly heard you say ‘bring a banana’.

Angelina

I said ‘bring a bandanna’ you idiot!

Jolie

Ooops!

All laugh.

Angelina

(pulls out a gun and points it at everyone) Stop laughing and hand over your cash! We ain’t got all day!

Jolie

Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.

Customer

Don’t tell me you’re going to hold up the bank with a mango!

All laugh.

Angelina

Right, that’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so full of lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! (pulls trigger – gun clicks – tries again) What’s the matter with this thing? (Jolie whispers to her) What do you mean you took the bullets out to clean them?

Jolie

Well they were dirty.

Angelina

We’re supposed to be ruthless outlaws, not Kim & Aggie!

Jolie

But if you shot anyone, they might get a nasty infection.

Angelina

Well you needn’t worry. Because as soon as I put those nice shiny bullets back in my gun, the first person I’m gonna shoot is you!

Jolie

Owherrr!

Jolie runs off with Angelina in hot pursuit – all fall about laughing.

Calamity

(off) Ere, mind where you’re poking that banana!

Calamity Jane enters through the Saloon doors, laden with luggage. Her face is hidden behind several boxes.

Calamity

(as she enters) I don’t know – some people just weren’t born with manners!

Old Timer

You’re telling me. (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

FX:

Ding sound; of spit hitting a spittoon.

Calamity

Now where’s that Nephew of mine?

M. B. K

Aunt Calamity?

Calamity

Is that you, Aloysius?

M. B. K

Yes Auntie!

Calamity

Come here, Nephew. I have something substantial to give you.

M. B. K

Coming Auntie. (gleefully to others) I told you she was loaded!

Calamity

I certainly am. And I’m going to hand it all to you.

M. B. K holds out his arms.

M. B. K

Ready when you are Auntie.

Calamity

Here you are then. (unloads all her luggage onto him)

When the customers see Calamity they all cringe at her looks.

All

Ugggh!

Sheriff

What an ugly lookin’ critter.

Old Timer

The last time I saw a face twisted up as bad as that was on a constipated mule.

M. B. K staggers under the weight.

M. B. K

(disappointed) Is this all you have for me, Auntie?

Calamity

No, there’s my handbag as well. (puts handbag on top of the rest)

M. B. K collapses under the weight – he scrambles to his feet

Calamity

Oh what a journey it’s been. Two weeks I’ve been riding the range in that rickety stage – I’m black and blue all over. And to top it all, we were ambushed by a horde of screaming Indians!

Customer

Sioux?

Calamity

Darn right I’ll sue. I’ll take ‘em for every penny they’ve got.

M. B. K

Well at least you’re ok Auntie.

Calamity

Yes but I’m still very distraught. I mean, I’ve heard stories about how those lust crazed braves drag genteel women like myself off to their tepees, in order to satisfy their primitive urges.

M. B. K

But they didn’t touch you, Auntie!

Calamity

I know, why do you think I’m so distraught? Oh I nearly forgot, there’s something I need to discuss with you, Nephew.

M. B. K

Does it involve money?

Calamity

As a matter of fact it does.

M. B. K

(excitedly) I knew it…how much, Auntie?

Calamity

Five dollars.

M. B. K

(disappointed) Five dollars?

Calamity

Yes – only I have to pay the stagecoach driver and I’m flat bust.

Old Timer

(alluding to her large chest) Oh I wouldn’t say that.

M. B. K

You mean you want me to lend you five dollars?

Calamity

Just ‘til I get straightened out, as Quasimodo said to his physiotherapist.

M. B. K

You mean, you aren’t rich?

Calamity

Me, rich!? That’s a laugh. I had to sell everything I owned back in England in order to buy a third class passenger ticket aboard a coal carrying tramp steamer to Boston. (encourage audience to sympathise) And even then I had to stoke the boiler all the way there in order to pay for my meals (audience ‘ahhh’) Well when I say meals, it was only a bowl of watery soup with two lumps of coal thrown in for roughage (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! I’m only joking…did you really believe they gave me two lumps of coal in a bowl of watery soup to eat? Oh you are silly things, fancy believing that. No…it was only one lump.

M. B . K

But what about all your letters telling me about your stately home in the country? What was your estate called again?…Oh yes – Yorkshire.

Calamity

Well, maybe I exaggerated a little. But I had that many letters from your father telling me how many goldmines he owned that I didn’t want to seem like a poor relative.

M. B. K

But dad didn’t own any goldmines!

Calamity

He didn’t?

M. B. K

No!

Calamity

Why the two-faced, lying, low-down, no good, bragger!

Old Timer

It obviously runs in the family. (hoikes and spits in direction of wing)

FX:

Ding sound; of spit hitting a spittoon.

Calamity

So what does he do then?

M. B. K

He doesn’t do anything.

Calamity

You mean, he’s on the dole?

M. B. K

No, he’s underground.

Calamity

So he does own a goldmine after all! I knew you where only teasing me. So where is he then?

Candy

Well you could say he was underneath our very feet.

Calamity

You mean his goldmine runs right under the saloon? Oh let me see if I can hear him. (puts her ear to the floor) I can’t hear anything. I’ll try shouting him. (shouts to floor) Hello, Sidney! It’s me, Calamity Jane!

Old Timer

You’ll have to shout a bit louder than that.

Calamity

Why, is he a little deaf?

Candy

No, he’s a little dead.

Calamity

(stands in horror) Dead! What do you mean…dead?

Candy

Well you tell me your definition of dead and we’ll see if it matches mine.

Calamity

But you said he was under our feet!

Candy

He is. He spent so much time in here, he asked if his ashes could be buried under the floorboards after he died.

Calamity

(sniffs emotionally) Oh my poor one and only brother – gone.

M. B. K

But I thought you had three brothers?

Calamity

Yes, but he was the only poor one. So tell me, what did he die of?

M.B.K

Alcohol.

Calamity

You mean, he drank himself to death?

Candy

No, a brewery wagon fell on top of him.

Calamity

(sniffs) Poor Sidney. But at least I have the comfort of knowing that he died a quick death.

Candy

Not really. He was trapped by the legs and took over four hours to die.

Calamity

Four hours! So how come no one dragged him out from under the wagon?

Sheriff

‘Cos he pulled his gun and wouldn’t let anyone near him ‘til he’d lapped up all the spilt whiskey. Come to think of it, Doc Holliday said the wagon had only broke his leg. I guess it was the alcohol that killed him after all.

FX:

Gunshots and general commotion.

Calamity

What’s that?

A Cowboy/girl runs on (SR)

Cowboy/girl

Sheriff, come quick! The hole in the wall gang are shootin’ up the town! They’re molestin’n all the men and beatin’ up the women.

Calamity

Shouldn’t that be the other way round?

M. B. K

You haven’t seen the women round here.

Cowboy/girl

Do something Sheriff!

Sheriff

I’ve just remembered – I’ve got a dental appointment! See you later folks! (quickly exits SL)

Calamity

Well, isn’t anyone going to do something about those ruffians out there?

M.B.K

No point in annoying them Auntie, they might turn nasty.

Calamity

Well if you’re not going to help them, then I will (starts to exit)

Customer

Would you like to borrow ma gun, ma’am? It might be dangerous out there.

Calamity

Listen mate, I was brought up in (local rough area) It’ll take more than a bunch of outlaws waving their weapons about, to frighten me.

Calamity storms out (SR)

M. B. K

This I have to see.

Old Timer

Me too. (hoikes and spits in direction of wing SR)

Calamity

(returns – wiping her eye – to Old Timer) Do you mind! (exits again – followed by all the others)

Mexican Bandits, El Gwapo, Manuela and Dolores enter (SL) shootin’, whoopin’ and a hollerin’.

Bandits

Aribba-arriba! Undelay-undelay! Eeeha!

El Gwapo

Hang up the piñata’s, break out the tortilla chips and open a barrel of tequila! El Gwapo and hees gang are back in town and ready to party! Music cue 3: (Bandits do a short burst of inept Mexican dancing)