A Street In Old Peking

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…All exit (SR)

Wishey enters (SL) dragging on a laundry basket.

Wishey

Hiya everyone. My name’s Wishey Washey. And I work right here in Twankey’s family laundrette. Although I sometimes feel as though I’m the only one who does. My brother Aladdin is more interested in chasing girls than profits, and mother is more interested in looking for suitors than pressing suits. I’m sick and tired of doing all the work. So I have invented a high-tech time and motion machine that will record everyone’s movements throughout the show. Then I can play it back, and prove who does the most work around here. I’ll just go and fetch it in. (exits and returns with the machine) Here it is. Now this is a very expensive piece of kit so I don’t want anyone messing around with it. Actually, I could do with someone to keep an eye on it for me…I know. Would you keep an eye on it for me?…Great. If you see anyone going near it, just shout, ‘red-alert - red-alert!’ And see what happens.

Foo-Yung enters (SL)

Wishey

Hiya Foo-Yung!

Foo-Yung

Hiya Wishey. (looks around) Is Aladdin about?

Wishey

No, he’s probably skiving off somewhere as usual.

Aladdin rushes on (SL)

Aladdin

(panicking) Quick Wishey – hide me!

Wishey

Who’s after you this time, Aladdin – a furious father – a mortified mother or some girl you promised the earth and gave the elbow?

Aladdin

It’s the police!

Wishey

What on earth have you been up to this time?

Aladdin

I haven’t got time to explain – they’ll be here any minute!

Wishey

Quick – hide in the laundry basket!

Aladdin

Right.

Aladdin climbs into the laundry basket.

(off) Police whistle – Ping & Pong enter (SL)

Wishey

Eh-up – it’s Ping & Pong, the wrong arm of the law.

Pong

Have you seen your brother, Aladdin?

Wishey

Of course I’ve seen him. We live in the same house.

Pong

I meant, in the last five minutes.

Wishey

No. What do you want with him anyway?

Ping

He insulted a police officer.

Foo-Yung

You ought to be used to that by now.

Wishey

How exactly did he insult you?

Ping

He asked me the time, and when I suggested he buy a watch he suggested I go boil my head.

Foo-Yung

I see you took his advice.

Wishey

But I thought you could ask a policeman anything.

Pong

You can.

Foo-Yung

Then maybe you could tell me how to stop that tomcat wailing outside my window every night.

Pong

That’s easy. Just go up to it, poke it in the ribs and say ‘excuse me, but your wife is on the phone’.

Foo-Yung

Will that make it stop?

Pong

Well it certainly stopped me.

Wishey

I didn’t realise the police had a sense of humour.

Pong

Oh yes – constable Ping will back me up in that.

Ping

She was only a constable’s daughter, but she let the chief inspector. Ha-ha-ha – I’ve got a dozen of them.

Foo-Yung

Yes (aside) one for each brain cell.

Ping

Maybe Aladdin’s hiding in that laundry basket.

Pong

We’d better have a look. (goes to lift basket lid)

Wishey

(holds lid down) Oh you don’t want to look in there!

Ping

And why not?

Wishey

It’s full of smelly old laundry.

Ping

(suspicious) It sounds like you’ve got something to hide.

Wishey

Me? No, I’m as honest as the day is long.

Pong

(to Ping) Have you noticed how the nights are drawing in?

Ping

Open the laundry basket, constable Pong.

Wishey

You’ll be sorry.

Pong lifts the basket lid, then quickly slams it shut again.

Pong

Phwaooar! What a pong, Ping! I haven’t smelt anything like that since we raided a student bedsit.

Ping

Where’s this laundry from?

Foo-Yung

The local Suma-Wrestling club.

Pong

Well if he is hiding in there, he’ll be dead by now.

Ping

When you see your brother – tell him we’re on to him.

Pong

And we always get our man.

Ping

Let’s go, or we’ll be late for escorting princess Jasmine’s litter.

Pong spots the machine.

Pong

Ello-ello-ello! What’s all this then? (touches the machine)

Audience

Red-alert!

Machine

Warning – warning! Unauthorised handling! This unit will self-destruct in ten seconds! Nine…eight…seven…

Ping

Run!

Ping & Pong run off (SL)

Foo-Yung

Run Wishey!

Wishey

It’s all right, Foo-Yung. That’s just to scare people off. It’ll reset itself in a second.

Machine

Unit resetting.

Wishey

What did I tell you? (opens the basket) You can come out now.

Aladdin climbs out wearing a large clothes-peg on his nose.

Aladdin

It’s a good job I found this peg. Thanks Wishey.

Wishey

Never mind thanks Wishey! You were supposed to be helping me fetch the laundry from the Monastery. I’ve had to drag their laundry basket halfway across Peking on my own.

Aladdin

I sometimes wish mother didn’t have a contract with those monks.

Foo-Yung

Why not?

Aladdin

They have some very dirty habits.

Wishey

Well if it’s not done by the time she gets back, she’ll blow her top.

Foo-Yung

And she’s got plenty of top to blow believe you me.

Aladdin

You worry too much, Wishey.

Wishey

Well not anymore.

Aladdin

That’s the spirit!

Wishey

I’m too tired to worry.

Chorus enter (SR)

Aladdin

The girls will give you a hand to get the washing done – won’t you girls?

Chorus

Yes! Course we will! Etc…

Wishey

Thanks girls, I’ll just have a little rest first. I’m cream-crackered.

Chorus move laundry basket just as Wishey is about to sit.

Wishey

(falls over) Owah!

Aladdin

Are you all right, Wishey?

Wishey

(rubs his head) I’ve bashed me bonce.

Foo-Yung

I’d better check to make sure he hasn’t got concussion. What’s three times three, Wishey?

Wishey

Er…eleven?

Foo-Yung

He’s fine. (helps Wishey up)

Wishey

Thanks Foo-Yung.

Aladdin spots the machine.

Aladdin

What’s that?

Wishey

It’s my monitoring machine.

Aladdin

What’s it monitoring?

Wishey

You for a start. I only wish I could win the lottery, then I wouldn’t have to do this job this anymore. It’s embarrassing having to go through other people’s smalls – not to mention their not so smalls.

Foo-Yung

Things could be worse Wishey.

Wishey

How?

Foo-Yung

The washing machine could break down.

Wishey

Oh don’t jinx it, Aladdin. I don’t fancy doing people’s unmentionables by hand.

Twankey

(off) Yoo-hoo – mummy’s home!

Wishey

Speaking of unmentionables.

Twankey enters (SL) carrying boxes of soap-powder.

Twankey

Here we are again, another day up to washing in my dirty armpits…I mean up to my armpits in dirty washing. (to audience) Oh hello, I didn’t see you all there sitting on your fortune cookies. Oh what a morning it’s been, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Me Feng Shui’s all over the place and me Yin and Yang have gone to pot. I’ve had a very trying day. The butcher tried – the baker tried – the milkman tried. I sometimes feel as though I’m living in a soap opera.

Wishey

You mean you’re all washed up?

Twankey

Watch it, or I’ll give you a good lathering! All I want is a man to pick me up, whirl me round and drain me dry.

Wishey

You don’t want a man, you want a spin-drier.

Abanazer enters (SL)

Foo-Yung

Eh-up, it’s Darth Vader.

Wishey

If you’re looking for the dark side, you’re way off course.

Twankey

What can we do for you?

Abanazer

I’m looking for widow Twankey’s establishment.

Twankey

(proudly) This is Twankey’s world famous textile rejuvenating and cleansing emporium.

Abanazer

You mean it’s a laundrette?

Twankey

Yes. What can I do for you Mr…?

Abanazer

Abanazer.

Twankey

What can I do for you Mr Ebeneezer?

Abanazer

I’m looking for your son, Aladdin.

Twankey

He’s not in trouble is he? Only I warned him about climbing up the palace walls to try and cop a look at the Princess Jasmine.

Abanazer

Everyone knows it’s death for anyone to look upon the princess?

Twankey

Me and my big mouth (pleading) Oh please don’t drag him off to prison, Mr Bonanza!

Abanazer

But I’m…

Twankey

…Give him another chance – please!

Abanazer

I’m not …

Twankey

…Oh you must! He’s all I have left since my husband was dragged off by the Kurds.

Abanazer

Shut up you old fool!

Aladdin

How dare you speak to my mother like that!

Abanazer

Who are you boy?

Aladdin

My name is Aladdin. Now apologise, or I shall deal with you myself.

Abanazer

Careful boy, I have practised the black arts.

Twankey

That’s interesting – I’m a medium myself.

Abanazer

How do you know that?

Twankey

Because it says so on my knickers. I’ve even had an out of the body experience.

Abanazer

If I had a body like yours, I’d be glad to get out of it.

Aladdin

(to Abanazer) You don’t scare me.

Abanazer

Then what I’ve heard is true?

Twankey

What have you heard?

Abanazer

That Aladdin is amongst the bravest of the emperor’s subjects.

Aladdin

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Abanazer

So you don’t want the chance to make a fortune for you and your poor mother?

All

Fortune!?

Abanazer

I was about to offer Aladdin the chance to earn more riches than you could ever imagine.

Aladdin

And what do I have to do to earn all these riches?

Abanazer

Oh nothing much. Simply fetch me an old lamp.

Foo-Yung

(surprised) Is that all?

Abanazer

Yes.

Twankey

(excitedly) There’s one under the kitchen sink, Aladdin – fetch it out here quick!

Aladdin

Yes, mum. (goes to leave)